This was REALLY good:) Well done. I LOVE the macabre, especially a new type or twist:) Delightful!!! The author kept us guessing even at the end. The only thing is I would have liked to see, feel and smell a little more of the setting...just a tiny tad bit more. One or two more lines would probably do it:).
Very nice, albeit very sad:*( I loved your word choices, such as "figmental strings" and the alliteration. I'm an alliteration junkie:)
The only thing I would change is "due to". I know it fits into the cadence and the alliteration, but could you find a different phrase or word(s) which might carry more punch, but still say what you mean--evoke the same feeling?
Or maybe just have it as "Adrift...depthless things.
Don't worry about it, if you can't find other words or word for that, for it works just the way it is, anyway. I'm no poet expert. Ask others---someone (maybe even a teacher of Fine Arts --definitely beyond High School). Maybe it's perfect as it is and just my prejudice against the phrase 'due to'. We all have our little quirks an prejudices, right?:))
In any case, this is a VERY good piece! I enjoyed it, alhough I felt sad. Or maybe I enjoyed it especially because I felt sad. Your poem evoked memories in me I thought were long-ago-dealt-with. Obviously, they were not dealt with. Sigh. Back to the mourning board. Keep up the excellent work!
II agree that lawlessness has increased. The writer does not really delve into the causes, which we must address before solutions can occur. My fave solution is to lock up all males over the age of 12, letting them out for procreational and recreational use only--and under armed guard;)). Men, for some reason, don't like my solution. Oh well.
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Other than that, we have to do a better job of raising our males so that they become more cooperative, sharing, caring and less self-centred. No way should we be building massive coliseums to indulge males' love of competitive sports (gladiator-like nowadays), while forcing single moms into vile tenement slums and poverty. The ticket sales in one night alone would go along way to combating child poverty locally. Mind you, birth control should be practiced by all. The world is overpopulated with humans as it is---way beyond the land's ability to provide.
Greed in all sexes should be decreed a mental illness, requiring incarceration for a long time -- time enough to reprogram that basically learned behaviour. Psychopathy must be decreed insane, a true mental illness. All mental illness must be treated, with no one allowed to refuse. The human rights of the sane and sensible should be not undermined by by the insane. Guys like the Koch brothers or any given CEO of any oil company need to be incarcerated and treated back to sane and sensible, caring and sharing behaviour, respectful of Mother Earth on whom we all depend.
I like the poem right up to "and make them come true." And I Iike the last 4 lines, too.
It's not that the rest isn't as good, it's just that there's too much of a good thing there and the extra special good parts get diminished.
I believe there's enough material for 2 poems in here. There's more than one message here, it seems to me, but I'm no expert. Take what I say with a grain of salt until you get more input from others:)
Is it possible to compress the poem, taking advantage of the best parts? And save the rest for another poem, from a different vantage point or emotional stance?
Don't throw anything out...not ever! Just take out everything that isn't part of this poem --I mean, isn't absolutely integral to it-- and put it all in a binder for a future poem.
I like the sentiment expressed in this poem--whimisical, yet a hint of something deeper, more universal. Good job:) Keep going!!!!
Good capture of feelings in a rhyming fashion (can be put to music!). Needs editing [spelling, too--not that I should talk! Eeps!] and fleshing out. Inquiring minds want to know why? When did this bad stuff all start? We'd like to know how it was before the end began--just a little bit:) Or maybe it's just me...curious to the bone. Maybe we readers are supposed to wonder?
Stanzas 4,5 & 6 are not as orderly as the rest--is that intentional? To show the building chaos? Then it comes back to rhythm when a decision to leave is made? If so, then maybe adding how it was in the honeymoon stage at the beginning would be a nice touch.
Interesting poem! Most readers (and all writers) will identify with the angst. Keep up the good work!
Marysue
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