4.5 stars because you're on your way. Here's my improvements: Well, I'd start by adding an example of when the sister did the fixing. If you wanted to maintain the voice, I'd say you could even start with "One time, we were on the road and suddenly... I could've <x> but she was already out and within minutes she had <x, y, z> and we were moving again"
I'd also finish up with her at a bar or someplace..maybe someplace typically "male" and noticing a guy outside messing with his car, maybe-Or a broken dispenser, or a jukebox (hey, I'm just spitballing here.) She goes out to help him, and he's not turned off, he's so grateful and becomes smitten and then they have a happy ending.
Or, go for the twist ending, and find out that men are turned off...but women aren't, and make the main character a lesbian who didn't know it until she met some woman at a garage or a bar or a bowling alley or something. Make them live a happy life.
At the end of the day, it's your story, but your characters will take it away from you. Let the story roam it's own path, it might surprise you.
This was great! I relate to this. I do this with myself, writing my goals early on, and going back at the end of the year (not 51 years, though) and seeing what I met, and what I didn’t. I think you set worthy goals for yourself and your writing. I wish I could save this and come back and read it again. The typeface you chose also pulls the reader into the mindset you’re trying to create. I spend time on here, in part, because it helps with my classes as well as my hobbies. So writing “Because the teacher told you too” was also a relatable “cause of writing.” I LOVED your writing.
Write on,
XO Martian
This was great. I've never been out on black friday (as a female over the age of 18, i know that's almost unheard of, but like you, the day after thanksgiving is generally spent enjoying my break and reading a halfway decent book-or working on mine) but i've watched the news some days and you've really caught the spirit of that. If this is true, this is great. You've conveyed your experience and the way you described the mob, the fighting, takes the reader there and leaves them with vivid imagery. I enjoyed the language you chose, "sardines" "treasures" "mob". Overall, the grammar and spelling look good as well.
A little hard to follow for me at times-is he crazy? Pranking him? It wouldn't hurt to make his motives and mental state a little clearer at the outset. I liked the end though, that hit home. grammar looks good overall and the message is clear as day. I think not making it clear leaves you with the same confusion the narrator feels, so if that's what you're going for, keep it.
This is so well written. It reminds me of a poem i read my sophomore year of college; "We so cool" it's another poem that's pretty short, and still encourages reflection and interpretation. I like the way that in two verses, you reflected his remorse in death. We should all take a step back and think about our actions, and what could be waiting for us on the other end.
this is really sweet. im normally not one for poetry, but i really liked this poem. At one point, i think i was crying. This is really great work. ITs very patritotic. As a military kid i really appreciate poems like this...some poeple still have some patritism left. Thank you for showing us that theres still some patritotism left in America. And please keep writing, this poem is really good.
I'm hi, how do I put this like a not-screaming fan? I can't. This is one of the best things I've ever read on this sight. The girl sounds like me....I went through some hard times and felt like the girl,lost broken, scared. I wanted someone to care. This Lille story evoked so much emotion in me....just amazing. Be proud of what you've created. By not giving your characters a specific identity you've given too
For them to be anybody. It was just an amazing piece overall. Good, um no, wait... Great, super, awesome piece. Awesome
She was just a little girl - too young, too inexperienced...
At that line my eyes opened huge....those are the words I use all the time, even at 16...it really spoke to me. It's like you know that feeling.
Her life was absent those things. She knew she was different. That in itself was part of the difference. She could see into herself as easily as she could see into others. Her problem was one of control. She could not throttle down the input. She didn't know how. The world was simply asking too much from someone so small.
Ok at this point you had me almost in tears... It's like you understand the exact way I think. It connected
Please please PLEASE get this published somewhere...the whole world NEEDS to read this. Thank you for practically putting my world into words. This story is absolutely, positively, simply and utterly amazing.
Wow. This really struck a chord with me. Last year, i was going through a lot and couldn't figure out why writing wasn't helping me. After reading this, i get it!! The analogy about business corporations really helped me understand, because, i may be a writer but big words confuse me, because i sometimes have a mental incapacity to make my writing more mature. This paragraph was my absolute favorite.
"One of the deciding factors in many interpersonal situations, such as job interviews, dating, and just life in general, is your own self-image. Why do we consistently judge ourselves and compare ourselves to others around us? Each one of us is an incredible, multi-faceted and completely unique individual. Each of us has something only we can offer the world. If you can find that something, and keep it in the forefront of your mind, then you can believe in yourself. That attitude will permeate you and those around you. You will be remembered and appreciated for it."
This was a skilled piece. I really liked it
i just have to say LOL. This sounds like me. When i meet a person i always want to know if they are on facebook, what videos they've posted on Youtube, how often they tweet... Your characters are authentic, your details give the reader vision into the world you've created. Some of your writing sounds like stuff i like to write, and it made it very interesting for me to read. I cried at the end, because Carolyn kept the story going very well. Her character, and the personality you gave her is extremely well-developed.How do you develop your characters so well? i'd love to know, so that i could apply it to my own writing. You should consider getting published. Really great work :)
this was a really nice story. i have a few little things: one, where you say OK, in a few places, maybe you could add some variety, like "yes, mom" or "sure thing!" also, the language, is sometimes plain, or too formal... im sorry, im terrible at describing sometimes, but i think sort of formal, then, like...liek then it goes to being really rough. does that make sense? (i hope so). but the message was really good, and i liked Mrs. Aslam. I think she would of made a great Girl Scout! her way of life is how everyone should live,. Kudos to you for writing something we all can learn from. Thanks fvor a great read! keep writing! I hope to read more of your stuff in the future!
wow. i can relate to this so much. i;ve often thought of some of this. especially in high scchool. older now, i can appreciate how she felt when she found a different way out. Iknow what its like, to need to be free of things that hurt, and to know that feeling of relief, when you know you've found it, the feeling of regret, and a feeling of relief when there's another way out. This put it into words that helped so much for me to read. AMAZING work
this. is. NUTS. (big compliment, i promise!) this is like, amazing. i can't even describe it. especially the beginning. it almost put how i always feel into words. I can't put words together to describe my thoughts, but yours really did. I really did like this piece. i hope one day this piece is famous or something, because i'm rarely at a loss for words, but this was great and left me speechless.
wow. this is good. I mean, normally, i don't like poetry, but i was really, very impressed. I liked your style and they way that everything flowed. the words and the imagry were really powerful. you have a natural gift for writing poetry it seems. I'm not good at poetry, so i dont know how much my opinion counts, but i really liked this piece
i've learned a lot on this site and gotten so much feedback and suggestions that i feel like i can use to improve. i really enjoy this sight. i'm glad i can review this item cuz i feel the need to expound upon my answer. this site is really awesome really helpful and it's definitely one of the better places for writers to come together
this is great. i like the part about nurses talking in plurals. that makes me crazy too! this was really well-written. I like the part about fitting in, and being strange, among a few other characteristics of this story. The title fits really well with everything too. It reminds me somewhat of my writing...well this one piece i did that i never did anything with. I like how you did something with this. I'm no good in writing in the first person. It's intersting to see how u did it. :)
LOL. this is soo funny and really good. you've definitely got potential as a writer. i think you can definitely improve in a few places, but the story as a whole is easy to follow, and i like the part abotu the "mom, who are you calling mom?" that made me smile. It was really good to read this. i hope you plan on posting more
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/martiangrl
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 2:18am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "