I like the idea of the story - titanic forces opposing each other, possibly with the lives of mortals caught in the conflict. There are many stories of a smiliar vein. The grammar and spelling seem to be in good form and its easy to follow the story.
Below are some items for improvement for your consideration:
- You use visual imagery and I think it could be improved through the use of specifics.
-- Instead of " The room itself was huge, opened to the starlit sky on one end, and closed with a wall of pure gold on the other, inlaid with fist-sized jewels." Tell us how huge, how is it open to the sky (does the building just stop, does the archetecture taper off at an angle like a partial dome or do they reach straight up to the sky? What kind of jewels are there? Do they reflect light or shine with a light within? Obviously you may not put all of the specifics in, but deliberate specifics will help the story.
-- Instead of Several of the other gods did though, turning their distracted attention from their games to find a tall female clad in red robes turning from the open end of the room, a squat frail-looking man at her side." Other than that she's female and in red robes, we know nothing about her. Hair, eyes, mouth? What kid of robes? What kind of red? Ankle length robes or knee length? Does it conceal her figure or accentuate it?
-- I also suggest using sound, tactile feelings, emotions, taste and so forth. Surround the reader in the senses.
- The gods and goddesses seem overly apathetic and petty. Yes, I understand that they've been around for a long time and are bored. I also understand that stories, especially myths are relplete with petty gods, but even in those stories, the gods have plans and goals. That is because characters without motivations aren't fun to read. They've gotten rid of their concern for their mortal worshipers, so all they appear to have is a desire to play games with each other. I think this would get boring real fast. Games can be fun and challenging, but when you have nothing else to do - probably including sleep - playing game after unrelenting game is going to wear thin.
- Now'chi doesn't seem to be evil. A little sardonic maybe, but not evil. He's actually nice and tolerant on a small power trip, other than a scowl or two. This kind of characterization makes me wonder: who assigned the different gods their portfolios/responsibilities of power? Did they draw straws? Were they assigned by a still higher power? Did they earn them by deeds in the past? I think the answer would play a serious part in their personalities.
I liked the story alot. The whole thing really flows and the characters are likable, although the wife seems a bit extreme. I can't imagine too many wives asking their husbands to get brain scans.
Also, the story ended with an unresolved issue - the doctor appointment and why his daughter keeps on having "Final Destination" moments. There seems to be a tie-in with the shooting star, but he made his comment about trading his life for hers before he noticed the star and didn't make the wish after he saw the star.
Other than that there were only a couple of nit-picky items:
“Aaaaghhh!” Brandon yelled, cutting Bill off short. He clutched his left wrist and his hand spasmed at the end of it like broken spider.
** should be "like a broken spider."
The Doctor had set down the X-ray and gave him an impatient stare. “This is your X-ray. I can’t find a single thing wrong with you,” he had said, boldly scrutinizing Brandon’s face in as he gave the diagnosis.
**boldly seems a little out of place here. I suggest taking out the adverb. The rest of the sentence gives enough meaning to the story.
“It won’t last long, summer never does,” she sighed.
** It's hard to talk and sigh at the same time.
Brandon thought he was running, but he seemed to be stuck in mud to his hips.
There aren't any glaring errors in grammar and spelling, which is a plus. I think the biggest problem is that you gloss over events all too quickly. Personally, I think that great writing creates word pictures, allowing the reader to "see" what is going on. In this story, we get only the very basic, blurry images of what is occurring. Spend time and give us more detail.
For example: "Cabachon and Evenstar turned around to see Lee Ah pinned down on the ground by 10 Kobolds. By the time they have killed all the Kobolds, the strangers have escaped."
How did the Kobolds get Lee Ah pinned down? Was she resisting? What did they look like? Were they making any noises? Were they just holding her down or was it part of a larger plan? How did the battle go - we just know that it ended. Describe the fight. Make the reader feel the danger.
Use the five senses: describe the visuals, describe the sounds, describe the feel of things the heroes touch, what emotions do they feel, and so on.
There are some other issues, but focus on the above and you'll see marked improvement.
Good luck :)
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