I liked your descriptions in this. They were lush and deep, and helped to set a picture in my mind's eye. I also enjoyed the dry humor in your writing style.
I noticed some minor errors:
"in do time"-'do' should be spelled 'due'
"So I sat down and took in the majesty of the moment, this surely was a fine place to drink."- It would probably sound smoother if this was split into two sentences.
"New west painting inc"-Capitalize all the words in the company name.
I also noticed a few other capitilization errors along the way. A quick read through will alleviate this.
Also, I felt the story moved too slow. It didn't quite captivate me. The only thing that kept me going was your eloquent writing style. Unfortunately, most people have extremely short attention spans, so I would recommend getting to the action much quicker in this beginning section of the story.
You did a lot with the 529 words in this story. The build up was well written. It told all the necessary details and worked its way up to a climax. The climax went differently than I thought it would, which is good. I don't being able to predict a story. It also captures the mentality of a younger person very well.I don't have any suggestions. This tells the story perfectly as is.
The introduction was pretty good. It was interesting, well-written, and had a good hook. It had me looking forward to reading the rest. I felt that this got weaker as soon as you began talking about the spiritual battlefield. I will detail them.
First of all, you use the "we as christians" phrase. This implies that everyone who is reading this is of the Christian faith, which is probably not the case.
You use way too many quotes from the Bible. Anytime you use a quote, it weakens your idea because it is not coming from you. The numerous amount of quotes not only makes your piece weaker, but it also makes the piece difficult to read as you are constantly shifting in and out of the ideas of the Bible and your ideas.
As the piece progressed, you began using more imperative language. Thus, it started to feel like you are preaching, which would decrease the interest of anyone who isn't convinced of your argument.
You present an interesting idea of the Bible as a spiritual weapon, but you provide little detail to further develop this concept. You went on asking the reader where their Bible is, and then telling them to use it. Overall, it doesn't spark much interest or say much of anything new.
Please don't take these comments personally. They were simply things that I felt could be improved on. Mechanically, this was very well written. And take my suggestions as you want, as they are only my opinion, and this is your piece after all.
This was great! I'm not normally into prose/poetry, but this was really good. You said what you wanted to say without making it too complicated or vague. In my opinion, that is what any type of prose should do.
As for the subject, you touched well on a feeling that is probably apparent in most writers. I for one, have gone through these exact feelings and apprehensions that you mention. Great job on going into detail on what it feels like, it was frighteningly familiar!
I also liked how you remained optimistic at the end.
First off, I'll ask that you please continue this. I can't imagine what the lesser half of the mixed reviews were saying, because this was awesome.
The writing style is awesome. Descriptive, witty, humorous, and entertaining. I really like the style that you tackle this story with. It is appropriate for the story's surreal feel. I didn't notice any major grammatical errors, only a couple of spelling errors. I will point them out to you.
"The tall one did a quick scan of the storefront, pointing the shotgun down the first isle or two,"-should be 'aisle'
"from which she plucked an ice tea"-should be 'iced'
I also loved the story. You didn't waste any time jumping right into things. It was fast paced, and had me wondering about where it was going to go. The 'Matrix' like time lapse, the mysterious girl, I really want to see what all this leads to.
Please continue with this. It is fresh, smart, and entertaining. The world really needs more of that.
Wow, this was an excellent piece. First off, it was well written. The spelling and grammar was clean, and the language was very nicely executed. It included some very beautiful and appropriate language that strengthened the character and the story well. Overall, an excellently written piece. I noticed one small error:
"I am [i}Olivia." -This was in the second to last paragraph, I am guessing you were going to italicize.
I liked how you developed Olivia: revealing bits and pieces about her slowly throughout the story, until the reader finally knew everything they needed to know just before the end. Excellent way to carry a story.
Normally, I would suggest that your usage of the word "I" got repetitive. But in this story, I felt that that type of usage was appropriate, and even helped to strengthen the point.
The ending, while said, I found to be very good. It was realistic. It shows that guilt can really ruin someones life.
Overall, a great piece. I honestly have no suggestions. Write on.
This was well written and logical. My ideas sit in the same ballpark, as the seem to make the most sense. You did a good job of portraying why these ideas made sense in a well written, clean essay.
The problem that I have with this is that it strays dangerously close to the novel/movie, "The Secret". The premise that you state in the beginning is similar, but not too similar. Towards the end it seems like you are plagarizing. The idea that Divine Intelligence is manipulatable is pretty much what The Secret says. And the following line is too close to not be plagarism:
"Mother Teresa, for instance, has been reported to have said while she would not attend a war protest she would however, attend a rally for peace. "
That is straight out of The Secret. At this point, I highly doubt that you haven't read it or seen the movie. If you haven't then this is just a huge coincidence. I would take this line out all together, or at least reference it. This pretty much takes away any credibility from a strong essay.
This was written well for the most part, but I didn't get much out of it. At the end, I still didn't really get what you were apologizing for. I understood that for some time you hadn't been a good Christian, but thats about it. For this to have more impact, I'd like to know more detail.
The spacing was also odd, making it difficult on the eyes. Everything seemed packed together. Some indents or even spacing between the paragraphs could help.
But overall the language was good, and the writing was pretty clean. I just feel this piece demands greater length to achieve more impact.
Haha, this was awesome. Funny, witty, and engaging. It was written well, the character development was good, the dialogue was funny, and the descriptions were satisfactory. The ending was also surprising, but very funny. There were maybe a couple spelling errors here and there. I noticed one grammatical error:
"He gave a low, hissing growl when he found that not a single ancient bottle had remaining intact"- "remained" instead
Pretty good. You made several good points that I agree with. This was well-written, although it was wordy at times. Good use of making your points and backing them up with evidence. One error I found:
"Science and logic, while certainly linked, are not synonyms" Use the adjective 'synonymous' instead
Overall, a solid glance at an often debated subject.
This is a good monologue as it will show the character's resilience and drive. It is good for character development. I don't even know the character's name, background, etc., but from this I have a good idea what kind of person she is.
One suggestion I would make is to stretch out the shoes story more. Make it a little longer, make the reader really feel the heartbreak she felt from not getting those shoes.
Technically, this article was very good. I found no grammatical, spelling, or tense errors. It flowed very smoothly and logically, creating an easy read. You are a very good writer.
You brought up some good points in this piece. The problem I found was that you asked so many questions, but didn't really make many statements. I understand that the questions are intended to make the reader think about what they are doing to help, but all the questions left me wanting to read more. I wanted to see more of you in the article. Perhaps you could delve deeper into generational differences of norms. This just seemed like a setup for a much longer article.
I say all this because you are a talented writer, and this letter seems like such a set up for your talent. I wanted to see where you would go. But I understand that the piece you have here is what you want reviewed. Well, what you wrote was an excellently piece of work. Keep it up.
I thought this was a good story. It showed how teenagers tend to over exaggerate their situation and allow it to lead to a drastic decision. The first-person narrative worked well. It incorporated the teenage pattern of thought into the story. Overall it was pretty clean grammatically. I noticed in the end that you switched from first to third person. I understood why you did it, it just seemed awkward is all.
Nice read. I liked how you were able to fit such an interesting story into a small amount of words. The narration was excellent. I also like how genuine you made the narration seem, it felt like I was actually reading non-fiction. The dream sequences and aversion therapy reference also made me chuckle. Good job!
I like the story, but the resolution seems rushed. You were just building it up and then the ending suddenly came on, so it didn't have the impact that it could have. If you develop the characters and story more I think this would be really good. Other than that, I liked it.
Wow! I loved this! I was immediately pulled into your universe at the beginning of the story. You did a great job crafting a unique world with its own history, characters, etc. Your descriptions were amazing. I got a really good vision of The Wasteland. When Ash was running through the Wasteland, I got a very interesting image in my mind. It is a conflicted place that I really would like to view in real life! The characters were also well developed. The story also moved along at an appropriate pace. You built great suspense when Eagle was explaining what he had to show to Ash. I also liked that you used wolves. You took me on an adventure a very complex animal and made a great story out of their mannerisms. I also got the sense that the Murks were a symbol for humans, perhaps? I can't wait to see where it goes
Here are some minor errors I found:
Chapter 2:
Hatred and vengeance burned at him, stinging like hot iron on cool skin.- I think "in" seems more appropriate than "at"
Ch.4:
Its rocks were a dull gray, filling the sky with there boring monotone.-Replace "there" with "their"
They were only a little smaller then Ash.- Replace "then" with "than"
Ch. 5:
Ash slid his body next to Snakes.- "Snake's" instead
Ch. 6:
Like I am standing still and watching the world go by at the speed of the suns own light- "suns" should be "sun's". Also, using "like" doesn't seem necessary.
Ch. 7:
"What do you mean?" Eagle ask, walking back towards Ash.- "asked" instead of "ask"
Ash turned towards the north, towards the other packs cave.- "pack's" instead
Ash muttered, meaning Atlas. Why his anger was directed at Atlas, he has no idea. - "had" instead of "has"
Things that I really liked:
Ch. 5: The whole build up to Highmoon was pulled off very well. It really made me curious and opened up a new aspect to the story.
Ch. 6:
"The feeling was only an illusion of misbegotten comfort."- I really like the flow and sound of this line.
"As Ash trampled the ground with his feet, the sky above pressing in on him, he felt like he was interrupting an unending partnership between two lovers and their brackish marriage."- I really love the sound and vocabulary used in this line. Very pretty. I especially like the use of "brackish".
In general, a great story. I can't wait to see where it goes!
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