First, I like the spirit of immediacy in your style, at least, for this story. However, I feel I had to catch a breath after each paragraph. . .all the fragmented sentences. It's almost like someone trying to get to his destination in a hurry and time is running out.
I like the premise of the story. Two people caught in an intense cyber romance then lose their connection, reuniting after ten years. In the end, we find out they've never even met in person. Nice twist.
Something didn't work for me. First of all, I do not have a picture of the two, for all I know they're both women. Hah. Ru? It sounds like a female name to me. I thought it was in a woman's point of view. It sounded like a woman's voice to me, especially since the emotional description of the love affair and the breakup were a bit too dramatic.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
This is a very nice letter to our servicemen who are away from home, fighting for the freedom of those who've been oppressed for so long under tyranical rulers. It is also a fight to keep the terrorist invaders away from our own land. In my opinion, we've been successful in getting rid of the most dangerous weapons of mass destruction, e.g.: Osama binLaden, Saddam Hussein & Sons, and others.
I've been a member of the wounded warriors organization, and the USO for years. My most significant contribution was volunteering at Ramstein AFB Hospital in Germany for our wounded soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan. It was a heartbreaking experience.
I pray for the safety of your son. And please thank him for me for his sacrifices in serving our country.
(Belated) Happy Thanksgiving.
Maria Panlilio
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
. . . . . . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
A RISING STARS MEMBER-TO-MEMBER REVIEW
This is a loving and emotional tribute to love.
As in most relationships, love eventually is overshadowed by troubles, and fights ensue; inevitably, the couple drift apart. Sadly sometimes, one departs, and a funereal tune inhabits the heart of the living as he is left with nothing but the memories of the loved one, missing not only the highs, but also the lows of what was once the nature of their togetherness.
This is a beautiful and touching poem of lament for the love that has journeyed away from life.
You are a an extremely good writer. I glossed over your portfolio and briefly read a few of the items therein. I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to read, enjoy, admire and review your work.
I look forward to reading more from your portfolio. I think we share the same interest in physics and Einstein's Theory of Relativity (mass–energy equivalence: E = mc2).
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
A RISING STARS MEMBER-TO-MEMBER REVIEW
This is a loving and emotional tribute to love.
As in most relationships, love eventually is overshadowed by troubles, and fights ensue; inevitably, the couple drift apart. Sadly sometimes, one departs, and a funereal tune inhabits the heart of the living as he is left with nothing but the memories of the loved one, missing not only the highs, but also the lows of what was once the nature of their togetherness.
This is a beautiful and touching poem of lament for the love that has journeyed away from life.
You are a an extremely good writer. I glossed over your portfolio and briefly read a few of the items therein. I feel privileged to have had the opportunity to read, enjoy, admire and review your work.
I look forward to reading more from your portfolio. I think we share the same interest in physics and Einstein's Theory of Relativity (mass–energy equivalence: E = mc2).
It is I -- the one who performs a disappearing act every now and then, and as always, I blame it on my day job (and a hundred other reasons). But here I am again, to give thanks to you for being one of my first friends when I joined this wonderful writing site. It's great to know that I may come, and I may go . . . but one thing's sure: you're a positive welcome sight every time I sign on. Kudos to you. Keep up the great work.
I will try my best to do my share as a member of this Angel Army.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
. . . . . . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson
It's always a pleasure to participate in your community activities.
I will be placing my bids asap.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL
For each new morning with its light,
For rest and shelter of the night,
For health and food, for love and friends,
For everything Thy goodness sends.
. . . . . . . . Ralph Waldo Emerson
The only thing that would make this complete for me (and this is not a suggestion) is a little mention about the first peoples of America--the Native Americans who came from the same region of my ancestry: Asia (Mitochandrial DNA of certain tribes of Native Americans was traced to Asian peoples). So far, scientists believe that the Native Americans came to the American continents across an ancient land bridge between present-day Alaska and present-day Siberia, and may have navigated from what is now Polynesia across the Pacific.
Your Polynesian friend: Maria Panlilio (writeartista)
Just a short note to let you know how much I've enjoyed reading this poem. I love the story and the way you wrote it. . .so lyrical. The rhythm and rhyme, the musical echo with a distinct beat. . . love it all.
Just a few questions, as follows:
"Their catches always seemed to fill the hold. and Captain Seth's ship--" (a comma, instead of a period, after 'hold'?)
"overmuch" (Is this a word?)
ends of time. (Should it be 'end'?)
"Ah Captain Seth," (Should there be a comma after 'Ah'?)
Thank you for the pleasurable read. It should do well in the contest.
WELCOME TO WDC. I'm glad you joined. I am sure you'll enjoy the community. Be sure to read the welcome letter from the Storymaster for some ideas in navigating the site. Review the list of community groups/forums and select a group that might interest you. One of my favorite groups that I'd recommend is the Simply Positive Group for encouragement and inspiration. Click here:
You have posted your first item, now put it out there and plug it for free and (hopefully) you get some R&Rs--not the R&R you're familiar with in the Military, but Read and Review . Click on the following and follow the instructions: "The Shameless "Plug" Page"
If you have any further questions aside from previously posed and answered through email, please do not hesitate to ask me.
Congratulations on your first posting. I will read it asap and give you my R&R.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
General comments
This is an entertaining piece. I bet you had a great time writing it. Nothing beats fantasies, especially when it involves changing the government's cosmetics and how things are run. There's definitely a need for more creativity and color at the White House. Get rid of all the drab colors; let everybody wear Hawaiian shirts and mumus. I think you can solve all of the world's problems if we loosen up and "hang ten".
Technical comments:
Your manuscript format is clean, and the flow is nice and easy to follow. I didn't see any problem with grammar, spelling, or punctuations.
Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
No more.
Final remark:
Okay, I'd vote for you if you let me be one of the hula dancers at your luaus.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
Hi Maryann,
As a newbie mentor, I find this extensive collection very helpful in assisting my newbies how to navigate WDC; how to use the bitem format; how to earn GPs through reviewing; how to google articles for research; and so on, and so forth. You just made my job a lot easier. I just give the ID# to the newbie and s/he can just click away and learn. Of course, my job does not stop there, but it's a great start. Thank you.
This list, however, is not valuable for newbies alone. We can all learn a lot from each folder, as I have, time and time again.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
General comments
A wonderful collection of cNotes. Each design is a delightful piece of greeting card that is sure to shower any recipient with long-lasting joy.
Technical comments:
Are these computer generated, or hand-designed? It doesn't matter the method; they're well done.
Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
I've ordered the "Thank You" card. It's the first cNote I've ever bought, so this question might sound silly to you: Is this mine, and can I send this card as many times as I want?
Final remark:
You have to show me how you create these cards.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
General comments
I do know some people who've never used a computer, or people who are simply intimidated by them and never learn the technology. I've also met a celebrated author who still uses his first typewriter, a Royal antique manual typewriter, and guess what, he uses only his forefingers when typing, and no drafts ever.
Technical comments:
Your manuscript format is clean, and the flow is nice and easy to follow. I didn't see any problem with grammar, spelling, or punctuations.
Corrections/Suggestions/comments:
No errors noted.
My only suggestion is to give the reader an idea when this took place. How old were you then, and if you were already writing at that time.
Final remark:
This is a nice story. I join in thanking your aunt for inspiring you to become computer literate.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
General comments
You write well. I've checked out your portfolio. I was impressed. You seem to be quite dedicated in your writing, and it's paying off. You're also very active in community service within WDC. More power to you, and I wish you continued success.
Technical comments:
Your manuscript format is clean, and the flow is nice and easy to follow. I didn't see any major problem with grammar, spelling, or punctuations.
I think you should give the setting for this story. Where's the village located at (I imagine in one of the Polynesian islands because of the names you've chosen for your major characters).
Corrections/Suggestions/comments: knew that I loved him since the time we were small children
---->I knew that I loved him since we were small children.
He and my mom often took trips to other lands.
---->Since you did not give the setting for the location of their village, this reference to "other lands" does not mean much to me.
“I’m ready, and I’m looking forward to it.” I said as I gazed into his green eyes. Those eyes revealed that while he was happy to have me in his arms, he was also nervous about having me leave. “I’ll be Alright. Really.” I said in an assuring tone.
----->“I’m ready, and I’m looking forward to it,” I said ((note the comma at the end of the sentence before the end quotation mark)) as I gazed into his green eyes. ((green eyes for the island boy?))Those eyes revealed that while he was happy to have me in his arms, he was also nervous about having me leave. “I’ll be Alright. Really,” ((note the comma before the mark and the tag)) I said in an assuring tone.
----->Throughout the manuscript, you end a sentence with a period instead of a comma when the sentence is followed by a close quote mark and a tag. This is easy to change with a global "find and replace" funtion in Word.
It was much plainer looking then the other building,
---->It was much plainer looking than the other building,
Final remark:
This is a nice adventure story. The only thing that is lacking is a certain amount of conflict to make it a complete story.
This is an excellent piece. It's not marked as autobiographical or personal experience, but it sounds very realistic. I learned a lot about addiction from reading this. Well done.
I have just a few very minor comments and suggestions, as follows:
boubon
Change to bourbon
self control
Needs hyphenation between the two words.
over sized and life saver
Change to oversized and lifesaver.
I was heading for Starbucks, or as my husband calls it "four bucks.”
I liked this a lot.
This is indeed emotional and inspirational. Thank you for sharing it with us.
I look forward to reading more of your work someday.
This is well done. I can’t remember if you’re in the medical profession, but you sold me with your fast-paced and gripping ER scene.
Thanks for sharing this entry to a short fiction contest for our review and reading pleasure. Thanks also for the generous auto-reward GPs, so let me earn them by making the following comments and suggestions.
I dont want to be left alone
Change dont to don’t.
"Did you know I've loved you since I was six?"
The boy was six and the girl was one year old. The image is a little weird for me.
"I'm sure. I've waited seventeen years for this moment. She’s been waiting to have sex with him since she was one year old? Again, this sounds a little weird.
The ending is predictable, but it worked for me. Kudos to your writing style.
I look forward to reading more of your work someday.
This is well done. I can’t remember if you’re in the medical profession, but you sold me with your fast-paced and gripping ER scene.
Thanks for sharing this entry to a short fiction contest for our review and reading pleasure. Thanks also for the generous auto-reward GPs, so let me earn them by making the following comments and suggestions.
I dont want to be left alone
Change ‘don’t’ to ‘don’t’ .
"Did you know I've loved you since I was six?"
The boy was six and the girl was one year old. The image is a little weird for me.
"I'm sure. I've waited seventeen years for this moment.
She’s been waiting to have sex with him since she was one year old? Again, this sounds a little weird.
The ending is predictable, but it worked for me. Kudos to your writing style.
I look forward to reading more of your work someday.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
'Here goes nothing’ what have I got to lose?
Ah, yes. Even for an adventurous person that I am, I could say that If only I’d followed through these words all my life (so far), I’d probably be more successful than I am now. But it’s never too late, right? Obviously, in your case, you did, and still do, follow this dogma. You continue to follow your heart and write wonderful poems and songs that inspire and bring joy to those who read/listen to them.
Thank you for sharing this and reminding us that it's always never too late to persevere... what have got to lose?
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
As I listened to your singing while reading the lyrics, I couldn’t help but recognize the Irish voice and heart in you more than your British self. How old were you when you left Ireland and moved to England? (Am I remembering this right from your earlier notes?)
The background music helped me visualize better your walking on a beach and dodging the waves as your formulate the words in your head to create this lovely song.
And all around can be seen
Far more than forty shades of green,
Ah, yes… there’s so many things in Ireland to make you smile.
I’ve been in Ireland, and there are so many things about this green country that makes me long to go back, again and again.
Thanks for sharing this song and the beautiful images of Ireland.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
Well, my friend, you should enter Britain’s Got Talent contest and be the next Sarah Boyle. Who knows?
A beautiful tribute to Kerry. I could picture you standing on top of it and singing praises to its natural beauty. As I understand it, the lyrics do not particularly represent your own experience, but that of the band member you met in Ft. Lauderdale, right? Nonetheless, I almost believed that it was about your life you’re singing about because of the sincerity in your singing voice.
Thanks for sharing your talents with us, both in your writing, and now, in your singing. Bravo!
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
Rising Star Superstar Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
Hello, my dear poet/songwriter. I just felt like raiding your port tonight for your latest work, so here I am writing you this note of appreciation for the delightful gifts you consistently shower us here at WDC. Your words of inspiration, wisdom, lamentations, grievances, etc., are always worth every minute spent reading them.
The title to this song is very eye-catching, and I’m sure many can identify with the message. I listened to the song while reading the lyrics, and it added a lot to my pleasure. While the tune is nothing out of the ordinary folk-style arrangement, I still enjoyed it very much. Sara Spade’s delightful accent is evident throughout her singing, which added a more pleasurable flavor to the tune.
Not to pry, but I just wonder what inspired you to write this.
What an enticing invitation to come and follow you into a mythical realm of gushing tides, primordial rain forests, into a sprawling dawn aglow with sparkle faeries....
How can anyone resist such an invite Into the dusky mystery of an unspoken dream?
This prelude to a trilogy of love and romance is irresistible, sensual, romantic, not to mention well-written and structured. I love it. Thank you for sharing.
Maria Concepcion Panlilio
WDC Rising Star Superstar WD Angel Army Hall of Fame
* * ** * *
It is my pleasure to give this Rising Star a Member to Member Review
In this story, a woman is living in a dream—a recurrent dream of instant love, romance, and marriage. Unfortunately, the marriage ends due to various pressures in life. In her heart, in her mind, the dreams maintain her connection with her man, and she feels that someday they will be together again.
I have a few suggestions, which you may feel free to consider, or not, i.e.:
Author's: Her mind drifted back over the years.
Writeartista: My suggestion is to emphasize that the whole story is based on what happened 20 years before. Thus, I think this would be more effective if made into a separate paragraph, and maybe, written this way: Her mind drifted back to that time when she first met Jim -- twenty years ago.
When Maria decided to get serious with writing, she enrolled in a writing class. You didn’t say where. I took it that it was an online class because she never got to meet her instructor face to face until the writers’ conference.
Maria got an article published after the writing class, which paid for her expenses at the writers’ conference, with change to spare. I don’t know how realistic it is to get enough money from your first article sale to pay for a conference and more. Perhaps if you mention what publication and the nature of the article, it would sound more plausible.
I feel that several areas need to be refined for clarification.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.18 seconds at 4:52am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
* * *
. Click on the following and follow the instructions: "
