I enjoyed the poem The second and third lines in the first two stanzas painted beautiul pictures. The second and third line in the third stanza was awesome and profound. Somehow, I thought of the word "breathe," as opposed to the word "blow" in the first line. The phrase "have you seen the trees blow" seemed a little awkward in each line. Do trees blow? But there is a possibility that I missed something.
Overall, the poem was thoughtul and visual in the vast majority of areas. Poetry is very subjective in nature. Ask other people about the first lines in each stanza and see how others percieve them as related to the others. By the way, the act that you just wrote the poem in a short amount of time shows something positive about the material.. Keep writing!:)
This is an excellent poem that could apply to individual relationships, the "two sides" on Capitol Hill or two (or more) countries. In other words, the application is universal. That is a plus, since it could reach a lot of people with different mindsets.
**Here is a line-by line analysis. Hope this helps**
We're both right,
We're both wrong
**These two lines establish the dispositions of many a conflict. I like the contrast.**
But neither of us is stopping
**Good.**:)
On tirades so long
**Perhaps, the word may work a little better than "on."
And these soap boxes stretch on for days
**Consider the word "our," insted of these, unless the word "tirades" is a foreshadowing of "these soap boxes."
As we present our cases in disparate ways
I can see the cracks in the sands
Where the white flags weren't used
**I had to read the two lines carefully. They fit.***
And the contentment hardly lands
**You can lose the word "the" and the thought is just as effective.**
I can see the ruins of our stands:
**Excellent! My brain is turning inner cartwheels.**
Our fellowship shrinks as our boxes expand
**That is a very memorable line. A very unique description of an age-old problem.**
A short poem communicated some universal ideas with some excellent imagery. The last line is my favorite.
I enjoyed reading this poem-its message was clearly presented. The verse structure was consistent and creative.
Before I start my line-by-line analysis, I am big on parallelism. I know that there are styles of poetry out there that I am not aware of. So, I would suggest that the author weigh this analysis based on what h/she already knows about the type of poem represented.
Here I go:
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
**I like the idea that time seems to go on throughout most of the piece. The build-up is implied in the events. This reminds me of the phrase "And so it goes." in the novel "Slaughterhouse Five."**
The world begun/begun the clock
**For the sake of parallelism, I would probably use the word "began."**
First was water, water and rock
**At first, I thought "Nope, this won't work." Then, I remembered that it was a poem, not a grocery list. It's perfect.**
Then living beings, being flowers and cock
**beings, being-my literalist mind said "no," but my poetic mind said "yes!"**
Now there's man, man and his stock
**Maybe "Next came man.....might work better.**
Resources gone, gone water and rock
**The line was powerful, given the previous two lines.**
Too soon rundown, rundown the clock
**I like it and I don't. I think it conveys the idea clearly. It sounds awkward, but I can't think of an alternative solution. Just think about it and ask around.**
Tick...Tock...Tick...
***Yes! I'd remove the ellipses from the end to make it more final.***
Overall, you have a great piece. I hope to see more of your writing in the future. Keep it up!
I enjoyed this poem. It is also a prayer, special and personal to the aurhor. I will only comment on the poetry aspect of this piece of writing. First, the rhythm and rhyme and are consistent. This is hard to achieve without sounding "cornball" or forced. (What word rhymes with?)
I would like to comment on a couple of lines. First, "When I am angered and can not see." I enjoy the psychology of the line. When a person is very angry, h/she cannot see the issue at hand. Just a small "nit"-I have mainly seen the compound "cannot." However, there may be instances of thee use of two words that I am not aware of.
Second, "When my soul is empty and dull, / And things reel within my skull," The two thoughts don't seem to come together. Perhaps, one could substitute the word "or" for the word "and." However, I am intrigued by the second line. Things, namely, thoughts truly "reel" within "skulls." I found that to be a creative alternative. Keep writing.
I loved the first part, especially, because of the powerful imagery and the intensity of emotion. The mood changed after that. I wonder about the "wild land." I have a cat that has a "wild-land" that she goes to under our shed. I believe you captured a beloved furry friend well. The poem was a little "prosey" But poetry is hard to review because it represents a unique form of expression that is close to the poet. Keep on writing! If this is your first attempt at free verse, it is excellent.
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