I love this! This is not usually the type of fiction that I read or like, but you got me on it! I'm glad! You captured the child perfectly! The busy and distracted mom was also well done. You were able to give a great description of the actions and location using only quotes! This is very hard to do without the dialogue seeming stilted, and this was definitely not. I'm amazed that you condensed so much into so few words. I see that it was for a contest. I hope you won! (If you didn't, I can't imagine how the winner could have surpassed this!)
Found through Random Read. I don't know the different types of poetry. I assume that you were following some pattern. I see the rhyme in lines 1 and 2. It seems unfinished (to a novice) that lines 3 and 4 don't also rhyme. I didn't read it out loud, so I don't knw what the rhythm sounds like, but there are obviously a different number of beats in each matching line of each verse.
I found this through Rand Read. Somehow I think poetry should be kinder. But, I didn't write this, so I guess you, the author, have the right to express anything in any way you want. Actually, the more I look at this, the more I can see...and that's what poetry should be about!
You show some great juxtapositions. 1. The words say "you mean nothing to me." But look at the time, the energy, and the passion that is being spent on this person! 2. The words say, "All I want is peace of mind" but look at the passion and the agitation the protagonist has! Most caused by the conflict?
The title doesn't seem to fit? Or if it does, I'm not sure how.
I found this through Random Read. Interesting read. I'm not sure I liked it. Surely there's a better way to get even? But then I'm a goody-two-shoes old lady, not a preadolescent boy.
The following phrase is hard to understand: "...tiny Beth’s and Sally's could..." It's the apostrophes that make it difficult to read. Instead you could say "a tiny Beth and a tiny Sally could..." Or, "a tiny Beth and Sally could..."
Another suggestion: change "it" to "them," since you seem to be talking about several mud pies in the following: "I stood up and ran over to the mud pies I had been planning to give to my friend Tom later that week. Poking _it_ gently with my finger, I grinned. They were the perfect consistency." Or you could say, "Poking one gently with my finger..."
I found this item through the "Random Read" function. It is short enough that I could easily read it 4 times. I appreciated your notes, because I had never heard of this form. I liked the poem better each time I read it. It actually says much in just a few words. That is what good poetry does. And there are quite a few levels it can be applied to. Thanks for sharing. I'm glad I found it.
Lovely! Lovely! Lovely! You do an admirable job in letting us know what you are feeling. Yet at the end, you made me smile! You were so polite about it, but you obviously didn't enjoy Vegemite the way Meg does. (I have to say that I can't remember even one person who did not grow up with it who DOES like it!) I was enthralled all the way through the tale...Will she like it? Won't she like it?
I didn't find any errors in spelling, punctuation, or syntax. I liked the title and the explanation (prologue?) prior to the story. I even think I shall go look at Meg's original poem. My only suggestion would be to possibly broaden the genre(s) you chose for display. How about Food, Cultural, and maybe even Travel? I would love to add comedy too, but then it might give it away from the get-go.
Thanks for a great read in the middle of the night!
I found this piece through the "Random Read" function.
Fun! I'm not a teacher but I went to college to teach K-8. I think this would work. It looks like a fun exercise. I suggest that you explain that all the words for one sentence go into one envelope. I had to read that instruction twice after finishing the instructions because I thought at first that you meant to put one word per one envelope until I saw what you were doing. Also, you incorrectly used the word "loosing" in sentence 5. It should be "losing." Other than that, good job! I'd like to see some of the alternate sentences that students come up with!
I appreciate that you didn't offer a bias in your poll. Reading what you asked, I had no clue what your own thoughts were. That is exactly what a REAL poll that is designed to measure what people REALLY think is supposed to do. Many people (and organizations and political parties) lead the responders to the result they desire. They proove what they want to proove just by the way they asked the question. Good job! Thank you!
I would not have taken this poll if I knew what it was about.
The title is nothing like what the poll is actually for. The explanation "Poll for ladies who struggle with differing roles society puts on them..." is also a bit deceptive. I would suggest that you define who you want your audience to be. I would also suggest either changing the explanation or the question to be in line with each other.
I thought this was going to be about the differing roles women have in the workplace as employees & bosses, vs. their roles in the home. Work and home are the two major roles society puts on women.
Your (borrowed) title and explanation really are excellent and thought provoking, but I feel the poll itself is trivial. Few women I know (me included) are worried about being modest OR seductive. We are usually too busy taking care of others and doing a good job in whatever we do.
It's interesting that you see the two roles society puts on women as modesty and sensuality.
What was your reason for posting this question? I'd be interested in seeing what other women said about this. Maybe you could write up an article about it.
You told this sad story very well. It hints at things left unsaid. It can be viewed at many different levels and from many different perspectives, and that's what good story-telling (indeed good literature) is all about. It brings to mind what we do to our children without realizing it. Even though the child telling the story has definite ideas about the protagonist and antagonist, by the end of the tale, the reader is not so sure that the line can be so easily determined.
There are multiple levels in this story. There's the obvious, but what about the fact that the poor little girl views her value only as it intertwines with her hair? How about the father's fickle "love"? I wonder what is truly going on in the mother's head. Is she saving the little girl or is the little girl simply a pawn in a much bigger fight? No matter what, this is so sad.
Your command of the "rules" of writing (word usage, punctuation, etc.) is exceptional. I was not distracted by a single misuse in the entire story.
My only suggestion is about the title. The quality of the writing deserves a less straight forward title; the title should align with the under -currents of the story. I challenge you to find one that lives up to the potential of the story.
Thank you very much for a genuinely outstanding read!
Nicely done! You tap the challenge of all writers: finding the best way to communicate all the observations and feelings we have. I love the "gently rock" line. It evokes two extremes...a Mother rocking her infant (just like writers tenderly nourish their fledgling ideas) and a mad person in a straight jacket rocking crazily (just like writers in fear of ever capturing their dream).
Thank you for sharing a moment we can all identify with!
I don't know much about poetry, but I think you followed a nice pattern. It flowed well. Some of this is kind of trite, but maybe you couldn't come up with another method to portray the meaning without breaking the pattern? (Trite: love is God, God is love, etc.)
I liked the difference between "every day" and "everyday."
Good one! I had to chuckle! You captured the moment perfectly! I can see it and hear it: the differences in the generations. This is probably a true story...both comments (from grandma and Reese) are true-to-life. These comments are the kinds of things that show the differences in stark clarity. Reese had every reason to believe he was correcting what Grandma saw as the problem.
Your sentence structure and punctuation are good...certainly not distracting. In fact, they enhance the story. The length is perfect. The beginning explanation sets the stage.
The title could be improved. It's a bit trite. I think you can come up with something better.
Very good! This reads like you are talking. Is that what you were going for? To my way of thinking, usually writing doesn't include incomplete sentences, but it appears you did this intentionally.
You hooked me with your description of the year. Then you got me again with the writing in the forest. I'll have to search and see what else I can find of yours to read. Thanks for sharing!
This is a delightful story! I enjoyed every word! I'm sure you asked for reviews so you can get suggestions, but I don't really have any major ideas for changes.
I wondered about using "deep freezer." I've heard "deep freeze" and "freezer" but not the two together. But I haven't lived everywhere and it is possibly a colloquialism.
What a lot of hurt and anguish is bound up in these few lines. You did an excellent job of expression. I have read your piece through three times and have been touched by it every time.
I have some suggestions but I hate to make them. I don't want to demean what you have done, and I don't want you to think that it isn't good. But feedback is what we're here for so here goes...
I do wonder if some punctuation might help? If you prefer not to have punctuation, then I would remove the commas in the line with "Nina" in it. Either have commas or don't have commas. Don't mix the two. I can help some with them if you'd like, but I won't go into it here.
Your descriptions are heart-wrenching and the last similie is a perfect way to end, with an unforgettable image.
I hope I get a chance to read something of yours that shows you no longer see yourself as a victim. Thanks for sharing.
Very interesting way to take a poll. It's too bad that you couldn't include the last dichotomie, but it's not your fault. I've taken it before and I can't remember if I scored the same. Now that it's been almost a year, will you use the results to write anything about us? Were you surprised? The test location didn't have a breakdown by general population. I wonder how our group compares. This certainly does make you think. Thanks for sharing.
Personally, I do not want to imagine something like this. But I think your words have captured the essence of what you were going for. You've crafted a low-key horror story, following the tried-and-true pattern: things are fine and normal, then the monster jumps out; little ordinary worries are overtaken by huge fears.
In the following, "Your driving home at night..." "your" should be "you're," the contraction for "you are."
"If you turn your lights on you would be able to make out what it was." You are telling this story in present tense. To keep it consistent, you should change "was" at the end of the sentence to "is."
I liked the touch of the man waving. It adds a twist that is unexpected and gut-wrenching. It reminded me of the crazy guy in the movie "Con Air."
You did a good job in the short space you used. Thanks for submitting the piece.
This made me smile! I like your visual humor. I especially like the second example, because we see it so often on here! The third example is the only one that doesn't have a joke in it. (Or did I miss it?) Is it possible to come up with a joke for that example? Another option would be to add one more example that doesn't have an obvious joke, so that the third one is not so obvious.
Interesting...I can't say that I liked it, but I doubt that you wrote it for it to be liked. It does grab the reader's attention.
You evoke sadness in the words you use: husks, lonely, echoes...
I know that the interuse of the words "take" and "bring" are accepted in some parts of the country, however to be technically correct you should use "take" in the following: "Was it too much to bring me along with them?"
I don't think "vivacious" is the correct word in this sentence: "The vivacious sound echoes..." Maybe you were going for a new usage? If you didn't mean to use it in a different way than the norm, you might want to try a thesaurus. I would suggest, but I'm not sure what you were going for.
What a heart-wrenching story. You tell it well, as a friend tells another friend, without melodrama but with all the love in the world. This is more of a soliloquy, as if you were talking, so I won't mention the phrases, or the punctuation. I think those items that normally are no-no's actually work for you in your method of story-telling.
It's already pretty tight. I'm not sure I would take anything out because it all contributes to the whole. I did wonder how old he was when he passed? You mentioned other ages. I tried to figure it out using your children's ages but wasn't sure.
"...I would have to stop my three..." Did you mean "BY three?
The title fits well. I did wonder about possibly having something about flying in the title since that is a kind of theme of the piece. If you could somehow tie the heart-child to flying it would be an awesome title.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece and yourself!
<Chuckle!> Your piece makes me smile! It's nice to hear about someone getting a well-deserved come-uppance.
Before posting a story, make sure you do a spell check, whether it's simply re-reading what you wrote, or using a program. For instance all of the following are typos: kner (knew), anough (enough), storu (story), and Himmy (Jimmy).
Good for you in knowing about compound words. Your "apple-pie-guy" is a perfect example. And it rolls off the tongue perfectly!
I suggest changing one thousand letters to 167, or some odd amount. It makes it more believeable. I know you were exagerating for affect, but in this case, it might be a little over-the-top.
I wish you could come up with a catchy name like "apple-pie-guy" for Jimmy. Then you could make that the title.
This short little piece has great promise. Thank you!
This is a very strong concept written in a style that does it justice. I like the flash-back on the comments, although I don't always understand them. (Maybe you don't mean me to understand them?)
I wonder if this might not work better as a poem? You use many short phrases, with many commas. I am an amateur editor, and don’t know the official rules, but I find that stories read better if complete sentences are used. Or maybe I should say that they work better if short phrases are used sparingly. For instance, “His breathing, weakened, stagnant, slowed by the dropper that she places to his tongue.” Might read better as, “His breathing is weakened and stagnant, slowed by the dropper she places to his tongue.”
The present tense that you use works well and you stayed with it to the end. Good job! Many people have trouble following through with the tense they use.
As mentioned above, I didn’t understand this quote, “He never lied to me, but you have. I believe him.” Was this her remembering something said to her, or her saying it to someone? Is it from the strong man? If so, the linkage isn’t as smooth as with the other quotes.
It would be nice to find one more quote to fill out the pattern. One would fit nicely after the paragraph ending, “He is the helpless one, and she with the power of life or death, she contemplates. “
The following rings false for me, “He looks at her, the knowledge of what she could, and possibly should do in his eyes. He fears the powerless state he is in at this moment.” Men like this rarely realize that there is anything wrong with them and fear nothing from their victims even when they are old. They do have different types of fears which could be explored. You might want to research this point (of fear), because my knowledge might not be typical either.
Your title is very good and fits the piece perfectly.
Delightful! We have pet dogs, one mutt and two pure bred. They are all lovable and loved but our mutts have always been my favorites. That’s probably because they seem to need us more and they seem to ask for nothing. The pure breeds need a lot of care. (I sound so shallow.) Anyway I’m glad you and Mojo found each other.
As for comments on the writing itself:
“…and the like-a few were promising show dogs.” Making a new sentence might work better than a dash. “…and the like. A few were promising show dogs.”
“…he would sit patiently at my gate and watch, his turning and turning as he watched me run dog after dog in the oval of my front yard.” Did you mean his eyes, his head, or was his whole body turning? I don’t think it was the whole body because you say he was sitting. Again, it might work better to break it up into two sentences.
“Mix-up’s family came across the street, with a few things in tow.” This is the only place where you use the hyphen in his name. It’s better to be consistent.
“Mrs. Greeley pulled a few twigs that seemed perpetually stuck in Mixup’s coat, out.” Again it maybe easier to read as: “Mrs. Greeley pulled out a few twigs that seemed perpetually stuck in Mixup’s coat.” Or maybe change “pulled out” to “removed” or “plucked.”
I noticed that your style incorporates a lot of dashes. Maybe you are using them purposefully, but you might consider commas or dividing some long sentences into two shorter sentences.
You evoke tenderness with your choice of words, even though the words are not overtly emotional. The story is told simply and in a straightforward manner, yet the reader is drawn in. I'm so glad I read it! Thank you for sharing!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/marelif
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:43am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
