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67 Public Reviews Given
89 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Fran,

This would be a very good piece if were written in the third person or by the daughter (you) in the first. The ideas expressed are not that of the mother. The poor mother can't remember or process these thoughts anymore even though she has experienced them.

If you want to be really daring, you can try to write from the mother's point of view, showing her jumbled thoughts and confusion rather than describing them.

This is difficult to do because the mother's perceptions are so limited that it is hard to convey the complete story to the reader. I know this first hand as I attempted this very thing in my piece "Border Crossing". You can take a look at in my portfolio if you like. I'm still not completely satisfied with it.

Marcia
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Stosha,

The only recommendation I have for this essay, as an essay, is to be more positive in the paragraph that begins "I don't know..."

Beyond that, the essay form is rather dry. I wonder if rewriting it as a memoir or creative non-fiction might not enliven it and set you apart from the other candidates.

Good luck with your applications,

Marcia
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Review of A Dog's tale...  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an amusing story. Some of my favorite lines are:

1. He grabbed the cat at the midsection, and started shaking it as if it were on fire as if he was trying his best to put it out.

2. I threw my little piece of heaven on earth off to the side of the deck

3. an odor that I could only liken to a mixed cocktail of gym socks, soupy garbage, and stacked corpses.

These are good examples of simile and metaphor – much better than a string of ten adjectives (that you refer to in your bio) any day.

I gather this story was taken from real life. My suggestion is that you treat it more like fiction and de-emphasize or exclude anything that doesn’t strengthen the story and enhance or embellish things that do. Specifically, the main story – the dog and the skunk– is not in any way dependent on the barbecue, the friends, or the good food. These things need be mentioned only in passing or not at all. On the other hand, time of year, chilly weather, and lateness are good details that provide setting.

Likewise, the description of your wonderful wife and the momentos of your wonderful marriage are extraneous to this story. They should only be mentioned to the extent that they support the humor and the drama of the story. For example, you might mention the home-made quilt in connection with the dog getting his muddy feet on it.

You could add more details about the dog - what he looks like, a little more of his history, and possibly what it was like to give him a bath on that late, chilly night on the deck.

I like the last sentence. It would be the perfect way to end the story, whether it were true or not.

Marcia
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Brit Girl,

This is a good story that tells a lot in few words. You are economical in your writing but some things could be expanded upon. (I suspect you had a word limit for the contest.)

There are a few instances where you could show more and tell less. I'll use the first sentence as an example.

“God…” Dan murmured in despair. “Cancer, are you sure?” he asked the oncologist desperately.

"Despair" and "desperately" are not "writerly" words. They are redundant and unnecessary given the words "God" and "cancer" in the same sentences. Consider something like:

"God..." Dan murmured, fighting the tightness in his throat. "Cancer, are you sure?" He scanned the oncologist's face for signs of uncertainty but there were none.

Keep writing,

Marcia
5
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Review of Gotta Sing  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Gotta Sing was a story I hadda read, and I’m glad I did. What I liked best about is the vivid descriptions of people, places, and things. You have a great eye and ear for the stuff that makes for good story telling. I especially liked the descriptions of the view in paragraph 3, the inn, in paragraph 7, and the innkeeper in paragraph 8. Several paragraphs, which are largely lists of songs, work surprisingly well in evoking the evocative nature of music from one’s past. The narrator’s desire in the dreaming sequence is so palpable that I can feel “the sheets knotted about me in a sweaty tangle” when he awakes.

Never-the-less, I’m not clear about what you are trying to do with this story. There’s some weighty and intriguing symbolism here, but I’m not sure what it represents. I’ll recap the story and then I’ll tell you what I mean.

An American businessman checks into an English inn. It appears charming at first but he can’t sleep because of a loud party taking place outside. (I’m not sure if the party is real or not). Most disturbing is that each song reminds him of a failed romance from his past.

The narrator takes some sleeping pills and falls into a fitful, nightmarish sleep in which he is transfixed by the sight of the decrepit innkeeper, transformed into a kind of mystical, pagan sex god. By the light of a bonfire, in the nearby wheat field, Clyde is singing and dancing like a siren. But like a siren, Clyde lures young men to their death. Each victim is one of the narrator’s past lovers. The narrator yearns for the lovers, yearns for Clyde, and seems to want to take part in this death dance.

The narrator wakes up, checks out of the hotel, and confirms that Clyde is in fact a fusty old codger and not a sex god. Clyde tells him about some mysterious crop circles found in the wheat field and hums a tune, which the narrator momentarily finds captivating but quickly rejects. He leaves Clyde and his “promise of forgetfulness” behind.

From the last sentence it sounds like the dream-Clyde represents forgetfulness, yet the imagery is much more suggestive of sex-is-death-but-I-must-have-it-anyway (I don’t think that’s what you mean) or my-love-life-is-so-meaningless-I’d-rather-die-than-go-on (that may be what you mean.) Furthermore, the ending doesn’t live up to the title, as the narrator has chosen not to sing (with Clyde, anyway).

Assuming you are going for the second interpretation, I think you need to introduce the character’s state of mind early in the piece. Maybe he came to England with a lover who left him almost as soon as he got there. Maybe he takes the sleeping pills to forget, thinking eventually he will take an intentional overdose, given the way his life is going. As a reader, I need something more to understand the apparent death wish and his ultimate rejection of it. Does he learn something that night?

This story has the promise of something big, but it doesn’t quite achieve it yet, for me, anyway. Good luck with this if you chose to revise it.

Marcia
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Although you and I probably don't share a single religious or political view, I have to say that your personal essay is well written. I like your conversational style which ties together your experiences and beliefs simply and clearly. Everything flows from beginning, middle, to end. You are not telling other people what to do, you are just explaining yourself, which is fine.

There are some sentences here and there that I think could be improved. Like why mention Josh McDowell? Is he the one who has seen the hypocrisy and low moral standards among adults or is it your son? That's not clear.

Other than that, I'd just like to point out that I probably feel just as out of sync with mainstream society as you. That's why I sent my kids to progressive schools that taught them good behavior that includes tolerance, and "basics" like critical thinking skills. I'm probably just as proud at the way my kids turned out as you are yours. And some people think we're kind of weird too.

Marcia
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Review of John 8:7  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I had to look up John 8:7 to begin to understand your poem. He who is wihtout sin... cast (the first) stone. I like the first verse, that begins, "Returning the stone..." it flows naturally from the quote. The question, "am I the reflection or the mirror?" is an intriguing one, but I'm still trying to figure out what it means.

I've heard a metaphor like this before which set the Universe as the mirror, and what we project onto it as our prticuar way of thinking. The implication, in this circumstance, is what we think of as God, is merely our imagination. But that's not what you mean, because you're not saying you might be the Universe or God.

I wonder if you don't mean, am I the viewer or the mirror? This would be consistent with the rest of your poem, which seems to say that each of us is the viewer (looking at and being judgemental) and the reflection in mirror (the image one sees (of oneself)when looking at another.) Does that make any sense?

To make it more concrete, I think you are trying to say either one of two things (or maybe both) that 1) we project our own imperfections onto each other or 2) we are religiously intolerant because other religions make us question our own beliefs.

The fact that this isn't clearer is a problem for one of us. Either I'm dense (which is entirely possible), or this poem is too vague and the ideas aren't fully developed.

In addition, I think this poem is flawed by inconsistent rhyming and meter. You have a nice little rhythm going in the first verse, but the rest is full of choppy long and short lines that don't quite fit together.

I think this poem has a lot of potential. It raises some interesting issues but doesn't quite pull them all together. I'd be interested in seeing a revision if you choose to do one.

Marcia
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Review of DO UNTO OTHERS  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Your poem is full of good advice. It's not to preachy because you show how you fall short like everyone else. The rhyming pattern is simple but consistent.

The rhythm could be improved. Lines like "I can get along without you anyway," are a bit of a mouthful. "I don't need you anyway," would fit better.

Marcia
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Messenger,

This is an effectively understated poem about a tragic death. It has a nice blend of sensory images and ideas, like the open grave being filled with dreams and aspirations. The sparse detail of who it was that died seems to work for this poem. It makes it more universal and leaves the reader with a sense of emptiness that is appropriate to the theme. I like the way each stanza forms a complete sentence. The last two lines "That a lifetime is not forever/And is rarely long enough" are poignant and true.

I have a few minor suggestions. One is to reconsider the line, "of what was thought endless." The passive voice is weak and so is the idea of a life "thought endless". If you want to convey how teenagers don't really believe they will ever die, you haven't quite done it.

The other is the description of "fading" photographs. The image is so evocative that it is tempting to say to leave it in, but at the point of a young man's funeral, the pictures shouldn't already be fading.

Marcia
10
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Review of Ind'n Grandpa  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
You have some great images of your grandfather. I can see him with his chiseled cheeks, sitting on the porch telling stories, showing a young child how to shoot and to identify trees. At the same time, a lot of your language is stilted. Lines like “Many stories he told,” would more naturally be said as “He told many stories.” Usually when poets commit these writing errors it is to fit a rhyming or metric pattern. Yet I can’t discern your rhyming or metric pattern. I think you have some great material here, but I wonder if you shouldn’t try this as an unrhymed poem and see if you can make it flow more naturally.
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Review of Destiny? Doom!!!  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Introduction: I was attracted to this particular piece because I also have an interest in the future of our species, which is I think what your poem is about. Although there is some effective sensory imagery in it, this is a poem largely filled with abstractions, some of which works for me and others which don’t.

Summary: The gist of it is that the world is a violent, painful, hopeless place in which we are doomed to failure by fate.

Analysis: The first stanza is the most sensory and works the best for me. I’ll highlight what I like.

         Distance divides our heart and soul
         destiny bares the blood filled bowl
         dousing emotion with diamond shards
         drawn between fate’s faceless guards.
         Dining on pain and dreams of tomorrow
         delving in shame and decanting in sorrow

Here desiny is the actor which bares, douses, dines, and drinks.

In contrast, the second stanza, has no clear actor. There are many abstract subjects, (drifts of sadness, secrets, intrigue, etc.) but they are described rather than shown to do anything with active verbs. It’s a bit of a shopping list of angsty images.

The third stanza grabs my attention again. The first three lines comprise almost a complete thought which I think is: analyzing death and disease does nothing to help us when our ancient religions, which we barely believe in any more… The sense trails off here. When our ancient religions that we barely believe in any more are not replaced with something more helpful? It doesn’t say.

This is followed by the despairing conclusion that we all end up in Hades. I think this means we are creating a living hell on earth and there is nothing we can do about it because it is fated.

Emotional Response: I found this a depressing, hopeless poem. The idea that we have created a hell on earth is an apt one, but that there is nothing we can do about it is too fatalistic for my taste, even though I fear it might be true.

Suggestions: I understand this is an alphabet poem, which must be extremely difficult to do well. I would suggest that if you want to work on this idea as a poem that you let go of the alphabet constraints and see if you can make it more concrete and active (as in voice).
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Wayne,

Your raising the issue of freedom of speech is timely. (When is it not?) I was just challenged on my own firm belief in free speech with regards to the firing of Don Imus for his racially insensitive remarks. As I will respond in the Imus context, the constitutional guarantee of freedom of speech prevents the Federal government from censoring. It says nothing with regard to private citizens who might take offence to what is spoken.

The first amendment reads “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

As I read it, and I am not a lawyer, that means broadcasters can fire, students can protest, editors can castigate, and publishers can refuse to publish without abridging an individual’s right to free speech.

From what I understand from your article, Ward Churchill has not been arrested or sued for his essay. Nor has any reluctance to have him speak been a result of governmental arm twisting or intimidation. Therefore, I don’t see where the constitutional guarantee to freedom of speech comes into it.

There is a separate but related but issue of academic freedom, with colleges expected to function as a free marketplace of ideas. If someone is prevented from speaking because of unruly members of the audience, then that is a form of censorship that threatens the civil discourse necessary to a democracy, but probably unlawful only in the sense of disturbing the peace, not a first amendment violation.

I think you should make a better distinction between first amendment free speech and academic freedom.

Freedom of speech does have its limitations, as you point out. It does not allow you to yell “fire” in a crowded theater, as the old example goes. The tension between free and restricted speech is evident in debates over hate speech, pornography, flag burning, evolution/ creationism to name a few that you mention. I think any one of those other cases would have made better examples for a discussion of free speech because they all involve real or potential government intervention.

It’s not easy to tease out what speech is unacceptable because I don’t like it and what is unacceptable because it interferes with my (or someone else’s) civil rights. This is an important topic and we should keep on talking about it.

Marcia
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Bob,

Since you begin your essay with the observation that atheists don't seem to have much to say about their disbelief in God, I feel compelled to offer you my own point of view.

I don't believe in God because I see no evidence for it. There may be an all-powerful, all-seeing, loving, creator force, who answers our prayers- sometimes, and guides us if we seek Him out, but I don't see it when I look at the universe and I do not feel it in my heart. Maybe I am being blind to the obvious, but so far, no one has been able to convince me that God, exists. I ask believers who think it important that I believe too, where is the evidence?

Having said this, if you believe in a loving God who guides you and helps you in times of need, I say good for you. Whatever helps you live a more meaningful and moral life is a good thing. I wouldn't try to talk you out of it.

I would suggest, that your belief comes from your heart, not from your rational mind. I don't say that as a criticism and correct me if I am wrong. After all, the word faith implies that you believe in spite of the lack of hard scientific evidence. You believe because you believe.

What you know in your heart is not something you can necessarily expect others to know in their hearts. Many people feel just as strongly about their heart-felt beliefs as you do about yours. If you can't prove that God exists the way scientist can prove gravity or the speed of light, then I think you should admit that the idea of God is at least open to question.

My atheism does not mean I believe in nothing. I desire a life with meaning and moral guides just like you. I believe the universe is inherently meaningless with no forces guiding other than impersonal laws of nature, like physics and evolution.

I believe that the vastness, the intricacy, and the beauty of the universe is awe inspiring, but in the end we all suffer and we all die. Whatever meaning there is to life is the meaning we bring to it ourselves. I find meaning in personal relationships, community, connection to nature, a commitment to human rights, and creativity.

Now for your writing as a piece of writing. I have to say that it is so full of run-on sentences and misspellings that it is hard to focus on the content. After you fix the mechanics, I suggest that you structure your piece to say "I believe that..." "This belief helps me by..." rather than stating your beliefs as facts. It would also be interesting to hear more about the personal experiences you mentioned that have strengthened your belief in God.

I see you are only 15 so I give you credit for being able to put your innermost thoughts on paper. I'm rating you as I would an adult so don't feel bad that I think you have some room for improvement.

Use a spell checker and if you want help with the writing mechanics, feel free to e-mail me.

Marcia
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is an interesting article on a difficult, subject - one that I have a lot of interest in. Let me try to summarize what you are saying first. If I do a good job then you know you have written the article clearly. If not then either I have not been a careful reader or you could stand a rewrite. Here goes:

The God of fundamentalist Christianity, is a “vindictive tyrant… that delivers calamity or fortune at his whim”, not the lover of mankind that he is believed to be. The proof of this statement is the existence of suffering and evil in the world, which no power that is both loving and omnipotent would allow. You do not believe in such a God, but instead “an interpersonal creative energy that is bound by immutable Universal Law” that is “a respecter of no man”. This “Divine Intelligence” is powerless to respond to prayer or intervene in the human condition in any way.

While the Divine Intelligence may have no volition or ability to harness its own energy, it is a powerful force that man can and does consciously or unconsciously use to create the circumstances of the world he lives in. This is what is meant by man being made in God’s image.

“The thoughts we hold are constantly creating our world and our universe.” The tragedy and evil that exists are the result of a collective belief in their inevitability. “The moment we stop believing in war, sickness, violence, and even death itself, these phenomena will no longer exist.” It seems that all that is required for peace, health, and eternal life is that enough of us (or perhaps all of us) “hold” the desired state in our “mind(s) and heart(s).” Mother Theresa’s desire to attend a peace rally as an example of what this holding in mind and heart might be.

Although an understanding of the Divine Intelligence can be found in the Bible, religious leaders have “intentionally misled…the masses” about this, presumably to maintain power.

OK. I hope I got that right. Now for my response:

While I share your critique of fundamentalist Christianity and appreciate your desire to find both a more satisfying explanation for evil and suffering and an outlet for a religious urge (something I think we all have), I don’t see that your concept of the Divine Intelligence is any more plausible or desirable than more traditional teachings.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but this sounds a lot like the power of positive thinking, an idea which I think does have some value but can not be extended to far. It may be true that if you approach life with confidence, then you are more likely to succeed than if you expect failure. However, that’s not the same as saying that positive thinking is the only thing that determines outcome or that it will always work (at least if practiced by enough people.)

The first problem I have with your belief is that I don’t see that you have presented any evidence for it. What’s to say this isn’t just a case of wishful thinking on your part? So, my first suggestion, is to provide some evidence. If you don’t have evidence but it is something you believe in your heart, then say so.

Even if I don’t believe in the Divine Intelligence that you describe, I would hope that in reading your article that I would at least find your concept emotionally satisfying. I should be able to say, “That may not be true, but it would be nice if it were.”

The reason why I can’t say that is that it seems to be entirely based on belief rather than on hope or action. To my mind the world is a complex place. I don’t understand how any thoughtful and honest person can believe anything without any doubt. Such a person can hope. Such a person can search his conscience. Such a person can try to figure things out. Such a person can even possess the passion and commitment to do things that might make the world a better place. But belief without action seems to require both too much and too little of us.

Therefore, my second suggestion is to see if you can develop your ideas in such a way that it doesn’t sound so overly simplistic that a person like myself can’t even want to believe it.

In spite of these criticisms there are some nuggets of your world view that I do find appealing. Rejection of God as the grand but seemingly arbitrary dispenser of rewards and punishments is a good start. You seem to be connecting the Divine with the laws of nature, which as far as we understand them, are consistent throughout the universe, powerful, and awe inspiring. The laws of nature are not arbitrary nor do they have the ability to alter themselves for the benefit of mankind.

However, the laws of nature are a creative force. To the extent that we are created in the image of the Divine, it is because we are creative too. Our creative ability may be our only hope in figuring out how to get out of the messes we so often find ourselves in.

The Quakers believe that there is a divine spark in everyone that they call the Inner Light. They believe that we can harness that inner light to make ourselves and the world a better place. There are hints of those kinds of ideas in your piece, but they are overshadowed by what seems to be an unbelievable and uninspiring panacea.

I give you credit for tackling such a complex topic, and I would be interested in seeing any revisions that try to incorporate some of my suggestions.

Marcia
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Review of Forbidden Power  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
This is an interesting poem. It flows and has clear images The use of the seasons gives the piece form and it is pertinent to your theme.

That the speaker is in conflict is clear, but what the conflict is about is less so. I'm not sure I would have understood it if I hadn't read the blurb.

I think the Pagan attraction is clear (the use of the word "Magick" helps) but I don't think I would have understood Christianity as the alternative. If you used the word "sinner" instead of "bad girl," that might have been clearer to me.

Also, unless this is a song, I don't think you need the same "chorus" repeated so many times. Instead, after the first time, you might keep the first line (I'm just being a...) and alter the rest with Christian images and prohibitions that make it clearer to a non-Christian like myself, what is holding you back from your budding interest.

Write on.

Marcia
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Like you said, it's quirky, but I like quirky and I like this tribute to the two women who raised you. It's funny, touching, and just the right amount of irreverent. I can imagine your moms laughing their halos off. And don't worry. I imagine they are doing just fine with your dad.

My only suggestion is to start it off, "Dear Moms" to match the signature at the end.
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Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ben,

I like your article about characterization. It’s a great way to introduce yourself as a reviewer and makes me want to sign up to have you critique my work. (I already have.) I especially like your examples of mediocre and better character writing. The points that you make about an inanimate object having the potential for being a character, and how when writing about yourself, “you” become a character, are apt. You have obviously given the subject a lot of thought.

Even so, I think you could improve your piece. I find the first three paragraphs a little wordy and think they could be shorter and better organized. Take the second sentence in the first paragraph: It’s 46 words long; I think you could reduce it to under 30 without losing any of meaning. One of my writing rules is that if you have a choice between saying something the long way or the short way, choose the short way. You should also take a look at your spelling and capitalization.

Write and review on,

Marcia
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Review of Chocolate  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Chocolate is a beautifully written story, with great attention to descriptive detail. You can really see, hear, and feel what the character is seeing, hearing, and feeling.

Even so, as much as I liked the first paragraph, with its references to "free fall," "glorified sheet of green silk," and "dangling over a nightmare, hanging only by a few threads," I have to disagree with your first sentence.

In my experience of ziplining over the rainforest, which was scary without being dangerous, my mind didn't drift to funny places; my mind clung onto a single comforting image, like a drowning person would a life raft. The soldier's mind might cling to an image of chocolate, but I doubt it, and I'm a chocoholic.

Never-the-less, I liked being taken back into history by your story. It reminded me of the movie "Joyeux Noel" about Christmas in the Trenches during WWI. It had that same moment of humanity amidst the horrors of war.

Keep on writing,

Marcia
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Review of Einstein's Dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
MJK,

I like Einstein's Dream. It is funny and apt. I think the story gets especially good with the fifth paragraph: "The Universe made the arrangements."

Some of my favorite lines are the ones about the Vegas odds makers and “And furthermore, it only took me six days to do it all.” The final paragraphs starting with “Chaos reigned” are also very good. Having Einstein watching it all and admiring the beauty of the Universe from a scientific perspective also works well. I especially like the last line, “The Universe smiled.

The parts that I like less are the opening paragraphs. They read like an introduction but would be more interesting if they were an integral part of the story. You could make some of the same points by beginning with the Universe noting the mayhem caused by the various gods and their followers; and including some dialog, either between the gods, or directed at them by the wise men. Starting off with the character of the Universe would tie in nicely with your ending with it.

I also have a problem with the identification of the deities in your story. It’s not accurate to have God and Allah as opposing gods. Allah is simply the Arabic word for God; and Jews, Christians, and Moslems agree they are praying to the same God, even if they don’t agree on God’s history, nature, or chief spokesman. Islam contains many stories from the Old Testament and considers Jesus a prophet. They may have a 6 day creation story. You should check that if you want to polish up this story.

Consequently you should either portray the gods as Christ, Allah, and Adonai (or Yaweh for the Jewish name for God) or God should represent the deity of all three Abrahamic faiths as the three religions are collectively called. You may also consider including some Hindu gods.

Having all hell breaking loose among the Gods is important to your story and the humor, but I find Khomeini’s entrance with the machine gun a bit gratuitous. It sounds like you are singling out Islam for being the most fanatic religion. This perspective detracts from what I think is your main point - that all religions have their moments of madness (if not whole millennia.) I think it would be better to spread the blame around.

One more thing: there’s a noticeable absence of female figures in your story. That may be unavoidable given the patriarchal nature of most religions, but if you could figure out a way of correcting that problem, you might add some richness to the story.

Keep on writing,

Marcia
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Review of Smile On  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Harshal,

I especially like the first line of this poem. Smiling you were and raining it was would sound stilted in every day speech but somehow works in a poem. It suggests a memory of a specific time and place: one in which someone is smiling in spite of the rain, and maybe even because of it. It suggests that the narrator would not mind the rain, or perhaps enjoy it, because he is in the presence of his beloved smiler.

The second line begins to live up to the promise of the first. In the month of June narrows the time frame to a specific month. The reader can imagine that it a possibly warm day with flowers in bloom. Those carmine lips and child like giggle also supply concrete sensory imagery about the smiler. Yet it isn't until the second stanza that you follow through with more concrete images: excitement of the soil, wet yet fragrant, of the rain, falling yet alive. I don't think it is worded quite right but it does convey the narrators hightened senses as he smells the wet fragrant soil and thinks of the rain as alive. Being in love will do that to you.

Other than that, the images in the poem are pretty and abstract rather than vivid and evocative. They speak of the beauty of love but they don't tie in with the rain imagery.

I suggest you remember (or imagine) a time when you were in the rain with your smiling lover. How does it look with the rain drops linger on her eyelashes? How does it feel as your wet faces touch to kiss? Is she laughing because you are stomping in the puddles or wondering what your mother would think if she saw you playing in the rain? Do you actually see a rainbow breaking through the clouds? Do you hear and see birds? Are you under one or two umbrellas or are you both getting soaked to the skin? If you make the reader see these things you will have a much better poem.

Make my world smile on and on and on is a nice ending but a little predictable. What if you ended it with Make my world rain on and on and on. If you describe the pleasures of being together in the rain well enough, the wish for continued smiles would be implied and the poem would be fresher and more interesting.

Keep writing,

Marcia
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21
Review of The Best Friend  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nicholas,

I really like your story. As much as I hate it's grimness, I share your world view except I think it's global warming and the resulting wars that are going to do us in. Same thing.

I love the way you wove the Poe poem into the piece and used it to highlight the last line. I love the brutal irony: "The sunsets are always beautiful nowadays"; "The scientific Inquisition"; "I guess that's world peace"; "I don't care if he dies, he's nothing but an animal".

I'm not sure I understood all your lines about luxury, but they gave the piece a nice rhythm, and I did come up with a meaning for most of them once I puzzled through them.

A few technical points:

On the first page, shouldn't "we all have to laugh be I have to laugh. He's the only one left.

On my 5th page, the paragraph that begins "They had broken in a couple of times," they sometimes refers to the guys out there and sometimes the scientists. I think you need to clarify.

After the confession, "He wrote with me for a time" sounds odd. "He wrote back his answers." or "He began to write but I contined to yell?" might work better.

"He went through the trouble to write out" could be simplified to "He wrote that."

After the dog confesses the action becomes a little unclear to me. The narrator seems to switch from being indoors to outdoors too many times. Perhaps you are not telling the story sequentially but I'm not sure. When the wind whips his lab coat he must be outdoors. When he is looking for the dog he is indoors again. Then he's outdoors, where he dies. I'm not sure if he went outside because he's looking for the dog or in his guilt he wants to die.

I've reread the post-confession ending and I realize that when he is indoors you use the past tense and when he is outdoors you use the present tense. I see you are mixing up the chronology on purpose, and since I mostly understood the action the first time, it's probably ok. I still think it would be helpful to know why he went outside.

Great piece. I hope it stays fiction... but hope springs eternal, doesn't it?

Marcia
22
22
Review of Painter Babu  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
There are nice elements in this piece. Telling a story about a painter through his work is an original approach, at least to me. It caught my attention and made me want to read the whole thing. The description of Nature was especially good. When I read the "puchline" about the human hunter, I thought to myself, Ooh, ironic. If this writer made this up, he's good. I also liked the implied ethnicity using the name Babu and the Urdu word.

What I liked less about this work was the lengthy philosophical musings of the narrator and the relative paucity of good description and dialogue. I think the writing would be much improved if the conversations were quoted dialogues which took place at specific times and places.

I want to know more about what Babu looks like and what the narrator's relationship is to him. I would like to see most of the philosophical musings eliminated and replaced with a story that suggests the questions and answers that you write explicity about.

I'd also like to get a better sense of the ethnicity of the characters. Does Babu live in Pakistan or India, or wherever else Urdu is spoken? Does the narrator? Ethnic details would add color to the piece.

Also, is Painter Babu dead? Some of the past tense sentences imply that he is but nothing is made of the fact.

Finally, my dictionary says that mead is an alcoholic drink. Did you mean meadow?

Keep writing.

Marcia
23
23
Review of Mondayitis  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Rayne,

What a nasty character: the kind a reader loves to hate. She is very well described. The only thing I felt was lacking was a reason for her being so extraordinarily mean. Surely Mondays are not enough to explain such surly behavior.

This is a short story more for entertainment purposes than psychological, so another way you might add to it is to give it a bigger twist at the end: have the joke somehow be on her, although she may not be aware of it.

Just a thought.

Marcia
24
24
Review of Reality Fatigue  Open in new Window.
Review by Marcia Landa Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Reality Fatigue is a well written, convincing diatribe against Reality TV. It poses some interesting questions about both this type of entertainment and its implications for society. However, it is also pedantic, chocked with strings of adjectives, and short on the descriptions and examples that would make it a truly good read.

I have never seen reality TV, yet the writer tells me no more about it than I already know from casual conversation. He/she speaks of the seduction of the genre, but never lets us know whether he/she is speaking from personal experience, conversations with friends, or what.

A more compelling and informative piece would say something like: When I first started watching and Sheila threw herself naked in the mud I was hooked. My friends and I would talk about it constantly. But a year later when Brad thrust a poisonous snake in the face of a sobbing Venus, I knew I realized it had gone too far. Yet it took half a year before I stopped watching reality TV for good.

I liked the essay for its clarity and ideas. However, I think it would have packed more punch as a personal essay or one which cited the personal experience of others.
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