We've all been there haven't we? I clearly remember a conversation with my cousin when I was only ten probably. I was telling her that I never let my foot stick out over the side of the bed because I feel like something is going to grab it. She squealed and said meeee tooooo!
I live in Saudi Arabia so I guess it's a worldwide thing!
The poem itself had a nice feel to it. It fluttered along taking you quickly to the end. The only part that I think could be smoother is:
" The fear of night scares
always kept me awake.
So I never looked under the bed;
too afraid of what I might find
lurking there, beneath."
I think the word "scares" threw me off balance because of the mix-up between verb and noun.
Very bittersweet. You did not mention what kind if beasts they were in the story but I think your description implied vampires.
I am not partial to werewolves and vampires but I always find it interesting when someone writes about their human side, the side that is quashed out by cartoons and horror movies.
Your piece reminded me of "Interview with a Vampire", starring Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise. The title of the movie does not imply the harrowing sadness of the movie.
You manages to capture that here. What makes me shiver when I think of the life of a vampire is that they go through that sad torture for centuries and that is something the human mind cannot comprehend and is weighed down with heaviness at the attempt.
I love how your characters are together in the their plight and yet different, reacting to it. It comforts me as a reader that Tabitha has her husband with her, someone whose shoulder is always there for support.
There some really poignant lines:
"She looked up at me and smiled, my personal sun in this endless night."
" I felt the moon moving." (adds to the surreal feel of the piece)
Thanks for a nice read. Congratulations of the win!
AAAAGH She should have just stopped and kept the money!
I believe what made this story successful is the combination between an elderly person and her unwavering confidence in gambling! Also, an elderly person involved in criminal plans. You also stated her goal very clearly and early on in the story so that we could stay focused with you along the way. Take the kids to disneyland. Which is a very touching goal that me made think of my grandmother and all she puts herself through to please us.
I like the comical quality of this story and I could see it illustrated in a comical fashion.
Very wise. Have you seen the movie "Interview with a Vampire"? That is exactly what I imagine living forever would be like, in this world anyway. The idea of living for ages is so excruciatingly lonely that when I imagine it, I feel stifled.
The first stanza is beautiful. Withstanding the testament of time...that sounds very alluring...travel the ancient lands and sail the seas...
"would I stop believing, stop praying...?" interesting existential question!
suggestions
"To live forever is a fantasy.
To live forever must be painful."
This is just a suggestion of mine that is tied very much to my own taste and opinion: the word painful here sounds like a mouthful after the gentle "ee" sound in "Fantasy". what if you wrote "To live forever is a fantasy. To live forever is a pain"?
Nice work!
Maram
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This poem was captivating. It read like, what I call, "organized free writing"! I like its spontaneity and unpredictability. There were so many lines that got my attention. It is the first time a I read a poem that talks about heart break in such a fashion.
The first stanza made my eyes widen. It was so good. I like that you added details such as the description of the conductor's watch and the hobos!
Really creative! I'm going to favorite this poem.
I have no suggestion except that you keep writing wonders like this!
There is a simplicity and frankness in this poem that I liked. I like the shape of it. It portrays the simplicity and innocence of the world as seen from the eyes of a child. It sounds like you were talking about 2-3 year old here.
The last two lines really summed it all up! Sweet!
My suggestion:
"her feel gloomy and frustrated." There's something about this line that put me off. You could express it better. "Gloomy" and "frustrated" is too easy don't you think?
You had a story going on there and I enjoyed reading it. I think this poem applies to so many things in life. We all do things that were think are "cool" or right or sensible and then in another five years we cringe at how stupid we were. Where I live it's the bushy hair they call "afro" that's in!
Thanks for a nice read!
Maram
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I am a big sims fan. I stopped playing like two years ago thought because it was so addcitive I could while away five hours at a time and not feel them go by playing that game. I went through a time when I was depressed about something and that game was my only refuge. You could make things happen in it that just won't happen in your real life! I totally got that part of your story.
You sounded like you were very frustrated about the homework and so you decided to take it all out on your word processor, or at least your narrator did. that is also something we all do, even if sometimes the problem is insignificant. We still feel better. "I do understand why I have to try and make sure that I stay ahead of it, because if I don’t I get further behind and people who rely on me to get certain bits of information can’t and find themselves lacking it because I didn’t pull up my end" I did not understand this sentence.
And here "I shall never pass properly if I don’t do all the work I can to ensure that. Whether the course itself is important to me or not should not be an issue but doing my homework should be. My mother is always telling me that. The only problem is...when will I listen?" I felt like you were repeating yourself.
A very exotic poem. For some reason I could hear red indian music in the background!
The way you started it was very nice. I like the description, "paper moon,"
I think this poem is about love, about being human, about what brings us together and what pulls us apart and how all of this is firmly intertwined with the cycle of nature.
My favorite lines
"Now, many miles take my moons apart."
"We are only liquid light, thousands of fractured voices
interrupting the consequences of holding hands for
so, so long.
We are victims of our own solid love."
Suggestions:
- typo "spendid"
-"But the sound of angels in flight have come and gone,
and you are simply less of the subject." This line felt like it was fighting its way in. I did not understand it.
Your poem is very whispery. I could almost hear it whispered! There seemed to be a lot of breathing space between the words...it's almost you only imagined it. I noticed how your nouns were undefined which is interesting...do you know what impression it gives me? If the nouns were defined and you had written "The swan's down fingers", for example, it would have sounded very solid, as though it was human who was relating the account. Instead "swan's down fingers" gives us the impression that it is nature speaking or the air or some invisible force that you could never capture.
A poem so rich with a perfect rhythm. I loved reading this aloud because every word seemed to fit with every breath. You managed to control your poem in such a way that it creates a pattern of breathing.
Your words are calming, soothing, and tranquil.
My favorite lines
"Where once were chasmic, painful wounds
inflicted without heed,
a wondrous Man steps forth to touch
and silence aching need.
Taking up the gleaming strands
to mend and render whole,
His knowing heart and tender hands
repair the shattered soul. "
and
"that taught a soul to breathe." I don't know what it was about this line...it might have been the tense or the undefined noun...it resonates.
It was interesting how you divided this story into three parts, drawing out a certain wisdom from each. You started with two opposites. The first is when people are happy and fulfilled by the people around them. The second is when people are caught up in a dangerous web of hate, with no one around them to love and, perhaps, they go out seeking to destroy other people's happiness. The final piece of wisdom is brought forth through a series of questions, very beautiful and wistful questions. What I like about the piece of wisdom you tried to convey there is that it can be personalized by the reader...
The writing was simple and straightforward. I just wish you had given it a more poetic feel. But...it's your story
My favorite part was:
"He was a gray haired relic from a different age, the greatest generation they call it. He was in the winter of his own life, and now all there was for him to do is watch the birds. The look on his face was a mystery to me; I couldn't tell if he was looking at the world with contentment or contempt. I wanted to go up and ask him about his life. I wanted to hear about it, all the things he has done, the places he has seen. Most of all I wanted to know if his life had been a good one. I wanted to know if he felt cheated by life"
I couldnt even pick a favorite line from that whole set of sentences!
BRAVO!
Although I usually tend to shun religious humor, I found this story quite refreshing! It was hilarious and wonderfully written. Your depiction of Death and his world is very creative, something that could be animated, I guess.
I don't know if you set much store by j.K.Rowling's style of writing but I was strongly reminded of the fresh humor and sarcasm in the Harry Potter books.
I am very glad I read this story. I like Death's exasperated character. If I was a more professional artist, I would have offered to illustrate it or you
Suggestions
None really except that there was a spelling mistake here "felt into a deep silence." and the title is odd, having read the entire story. I don't understand it.
The parts that cracked me up! "Death heaved a sigh and picked up his quill and ink again, wondering why they couldn’t possibly get a computer system down here like they had Upstairs. New shiny laptops with little wings, and here he was writing down billions of names each year in a mouldy old tome.
‘Oh no,’ they had said, ‘couldn’t possibly get you a computer system old boy, comforts the masses you see. They like the rustic look.’"
He reached into the depths of his robes and pulled out a decrepit and splintered compass. There was no North, South, East or West upon the face of it, just a needle that drifted vaguely from time to time. It was a soul sensitive device, created back in the centuries when Death’s job description entailed personally seeking out soul after soul and bringing them to the Gateway in a horseless black chariot. But after the Resurrection ordeal everyone decided to make it a little more direct.
Hi Shi!
This poem gave me such a thrill! It was cryptic, and sad and scary. I like the flow here. It was easy to read and the images appear very quickly. I was comparing the poem to the story. While they are two different form of literature, I like the poem better because it has a tone of finality and it's very compact. The fact that the story isn't told here is probably what's so thrilling here and it give you the impression that you should not dare ask the narrator what happened. It's like that man's voice that talks at the end of the song "thriller"! Would you dare ask that man a question?!
The opening of the poem was very strong. It sounds like something that was carved in stone. You captured the fear in the rest of the poem.
My suggestions
I think the two middle stanzas need a little bit more work.
I hope you won't mind if I point out the areas that I thought could be smoothed out:
"That caused them to be disloyal." for some reason it is hard to read "disloyal" in the middle of that rhythm. Also "betrayal".
then there's "justice" and "injustice"...I was a little bit put off by the repetition.
Delicious!
I'd love to do all those things with someone!
Did you figure out a tune? I'm always interested in lyrics on WDC and I always wonder whether the authors found a tune!
My favorite part was the first...
"rubbing elbows with the stars"...it invokes that heady feeling when you're swimming at night and your head is wet and feel like the sky is so much nearer! That description was accurate!
Thanks for a nice read...
Please tell me if you have a tune!
I am smiling from ear-to-ear!
This story should be illustrated in a children's book. I can already see what kind of illustrations it would have!
The idea of the imp is very endearing, Pik, herself, is a very cute character and her pie-belly is cuter. She is one "n" short of pink isn't she?
I love her honesty and her apologetic manner.
And the sticky wiiiiiiiings!!!!!!!!!!!! That's just so sweet!
I like how you gave this story a moral in a subtle manner that was in harmony with the rest of the story and didn't stand out as a moral.
I like the idea of this poem. It's heartwarming that the narrator is a grandmother. Of course we don't understand that until later on. Grandmothers are the warmest creatures aren't they?
It is also very creative of you to depict Grandma playing the role of Santa Claus. It's a very sweet and generous image. It shows me that, to Grandma, her family is her world and the children of the world as her own grandchildren.
My favorite lines
The first stanza - though I didn't understand it until I had read the entire poem
My suggestions
It was not very easy for me to read the poem. I think it should be smoothed out in many areas. There is a certain jerkiness in it that the poem would have been superb without. Maybe you could have someone read it aloud for you? I think it would help you discern which areas need some more work.
Keep writing!
Maram
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This was a very inspiring story. The blue color really stands out here. I can almost smell the paint!
There were no "scenes" in the story and no dialogue yet you managed to give it that story feel. I think you were telling and showing at the same time.
You have a nice honest way of expressing yourself. I like the peaceful conclusions that you drew from all the events that happened to the character.
The granduncle is a very sweet man whom I think many people would relate to in some way. I like it when men step up and take care of a girl who lost the most important man in her life. It was beautiful to read it here...
Thanks for a good read!
Imagine if douglas adams read this!
This is a very entertaining and humorous piece. I enjoyed reading it. I its slightly surreal atmosphere, where the character is trapped in a series of disappointments and keeps trying futilely using the same method over and over again. Perhaps if he/she had jumped around with the author and started jabbering with him, they might have gotten his attention!
The author, absentminded and the very impersonation of the inconsiderate guest, shows himself to be truly good natured in the end and that some part of him somewhere, beneath all him teeming writer-ly thoughts, really appreciated what the character did for him, even he could not discern whether it "fish" or "pea soup".
Your narrator has a smooth engaging voice that is sprinkled a little bit of sarcasm. It's very interesting to read.
My suggestions
I was slightly put off by the ending. If your intention was to give us the impression that our over-excited main character had the habit of choosing the wrong people to have lunch with, then I don't understand why the Governor of California fits that category (unless there is something about Schwarzneger that I don't know. I'm not American)
If it was otherwise...
What I mean is, I don't understand why this ending is the surprise!
At the beginning you caught my attention when you showed us Billy walking into the store to buy a "bottle of water and a stick of cheese," The detail in there made me think, this is going to be interesting.
The hardships of Billy, I'm sure, are shared by countless members of society and I think it's true that the rich sometimes blame the poor for being poor and it's always sad when a boy is hardworking and ambitious but gets quashed by his own parents.
I rated this story as I did for the following reasons:
- The tense kept changing throughout the story that is became disorganized
- There was more telling in there about Billy's life and people's treatment of him than action. There was practically no story.
- I would have liked to see Billy finding a smart way to get his water and cheese. I think the ending only confirmed the lack of action
I am sure all these things can be fixed, I mean you have a strong character here and a good framework. I think you just need to rewrite it in a way that it's more tight and organized. I think there should be more events...more dialogue...more showing...
I really hope that my comments have helped!
Keep writing
Maram
This was a cryptic poem. I enjoyed reading it and the very fact that I don't know who this person and is, where he's going, and why he is in trouble. is what makes it so interesting.
Overall, the poem was nice and tight with some surprise and twists, when it comes to rhythm and style. The first stanza is very good.
My suggestions:
"My body to be eaten by the mice" ---> I think it would sound smoother if this line was "My body to be eaten by mice". That way it is almost the same length as the line with "ice"
But I don't think it makes sense, at any rate. Why would the body be eaten by mice? unless it was cheese!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maram
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.13 seconds at 5:12am on Nov 11, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
