The sense of the poem comes through loud and clear. However, it reads far more like a raging silioquy then a poem. It certainly could be just me but I don't see much by way of poetic devices. Even free verse poetry needs some devices and balance. I wish you luck in RAW!
Definately entertaining. Draws the reader in well and the narrative style is excellently reminiscent of old time detective stories. However, it leaves lots of unanswered questions. What kind of creature was this precisely and what's his full story? I bet you could expend this tremendously.
I think you've got an excellent beginning to something here. It has the feel of realism and the thrill of a good mystery but the ending is just too lacking in something. Maybe it's resolution. Seems almost like you got in a hurry to end it. Regardless it's a good write.
"On the third day, she came to a nice town about 75 miles east of where she had came."
This sentence doesn't seem to end right. Maybe "east of where she had come from"
Excellent job of using the 8 prompt words and writing such a strong poem on an important topic. My only comment is the rythym is a little off which hurts the flow a bit.
"The current versions, thanks to both being based on the latest version of Microsoft GOD"
Laughing out loud!
First of all on no plane of existance is Randy Moss better than Jerry Rice! Having said that, this piece is highly original and even more entertaining. I was chuckling in several places along the way! Great job!
A definite ROFL story. Certainly had me chuckling and it was so cute. I like the way you absolutely kept the reader guessing as to just what was going on before finally divegring what it was. I guess the chair has some kind of weird babbling power. Good job.
"She asked, now laughing out loud, as she simultaneously placing her hand on Morgan’s arm."
Sudden verb change. Try placed instead of placing.
As a cat hater I'm not sure how I feel about the whole concept, however, that doesn't change the fact that this is an excellent story. Unfortunately I bet some reviewers are deterred by it's length and that is their loss.
"but she was a good, contentious girl, and"
I don't think you mean "contentious" here.
"“Pretty clear to me, Dad. ‘Twelve to master’…you have to learn all twelve tunes…or learning
all twelve makes one a master."
Structural error in this segment.
"carefully hidden lighter (he’d thought) that be betrayed good tactics "
Something not right about that sentence.
I've got to say my biggest problem was the abrupt ending when there is still so much story left to tell. Quite the quaint spooky tale you've got going. I enjoyed it a lot.
"He had no response to anything the paramedics tired."
Try "tried" instead of "tired"
I've been in law enforcement for 7 years and I know exactly what this story is saying. I've lived it numerous times. It's a tough life and those who can handle it deserve all the praise they can get.
The message of the poem is good but the structure is almost wacky. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be rhyming or free verse as it tends to fluctuate which makes the flow very hard to follow. If it's meant to rhyme tighten up the meter and make the rhymes more solid. If it's free verse get rid of the obvious and the weak rhymes. One way or the other it will be a stronger poem.
The meter is a bit off through most of the poem and way off in the first and last stanza which for some reason change from the rest of the stanzas to five lines instead of four. I'm not sure how dark the poem is, seems more like an affirmation to make your time count. It is a truly sad poem though, and for your sake I hope not biographical in nature.
Very well written and excellent points. Usually just deleting is the easy thing to do for a low rating with reason given. I've got one story in the "Silent Voices" contest that seems to be getting a rash of that.
Heaven's Tour (13+) Written for the silent voices contest. One new arrival's tour of the afterlife. #882604 by Mitch
My first rating was 2 stars with NO COMMENT. It irked but I moved on. Silent voices is supposed to be entries regarding the rights of an unborn child relating to abortion. A sensitive topic, I know. I expected people to not agree with the viewpoint even though it wsn't a story and then I go a review that did bother me.
There is a contest going on for reviewing the most items in a certain amount of time. One of those participants reviewed this story, advised they could find nothing to improve upon, didn't care for the subject matter and rated it a 3. I would have thought these participants would be more professional. I didn't like it but it was a lesson learned. We writer's on here are not rated on content alone. I might try to rate on content and ignore my feeling for the subject matter butnot everyone will do that. I hope other writers already know that and don't need the lesson. For me, it's bothersome but I will continue to delete.
Thansk for listening.
Flip
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