General comments: This item contains alot of grammatical mistakes, however, the story and (grammar aside) the expression, are very very good. You give alot of detail, without slowing the story, painting a vivid image in the reader's mind, and the character of Griswold is very very well portrayed. The story does beg alot of questions, and you might perhaps consider writing a prequel? (I'm the nosey kind, and this story really roused my curiosity.)
The grammar mistakes will fade over time, especially if you continue writing, editing and reviewing, and your storytelling skills are wonderful. It might be a good idea if you started to write your stories in a program such as word, then copied and pasted it over to writing.com (if you turn off the autocorrect, looking through for the errors it points out and correct them yourself, it will help you more.)
Word won't catch the paragraph problem. Always have a new paragraph if you are going from one character speaking, to another speaking, whenever there is a change in subject, and you can add additional new paragraphs just to break them up more so they are easier to read.
Other comments and suggestions: Inserted in text.
I've used red for spelling mistakes,
blue for grammar,
and green for other comments and suggestions.
The windows of a nearby building cast light onto the cobblestone road that ran in [space] front of it,
The building itself was of good proportions, two stories high, constructed mainly from stone at it's lower level [comma] which flowed into the wood and plaster that comprised its second. flowing into wood and plaster comprising it's second. A heavy looking wooden door, bound in iron [comma] stood between
The sign swayed slightly as the breeze coaxed it and it named the building "The Traveler's Way Inn". The sign which named the building “The Traveler’s Way Inn” swayed slightly as the breeze coaxed it.
Never charging too much for his wares and services, even though he did have the deffinate definite advantage of having one of the only inns for miles around, with the exception of the smaller and less frequented "Foaming Mug [comma]" which resided in the town
growing bald spot on the center of his head confirmed the man's age, or at [space] least
a gut peeking from under his shirt [comma] he wasn't in too bad a of shape.
Pouring a bit of water onto the stained area that he was obsessively scrubbing [comma] Griswold looked around his place of business,
with a hinged door where the countertop ran up to the staircase [comma] so Griswold could get behind and back out from the long counter.
Across from the long countertop, spaced across the rest of the floor [comma] were at [space] least a dozen round, wooden tables. Each of the tables hosted four simple, wooden chairs. The tables seemed to give way to the stone hearth that rested upon the wall opposite the countertop. [comma] The fire within it crackling and popping in regular intervals. The staircase was pinched between the countertop and the front wall of the inn. This front wall contained two good sized windows and a heavy looking, iron bound door. [comma] The entrance to
"Another please", [comma inside speech-marks, not after] a well kept looking man seated at the bar said to Griswold as he held up his mug. New paragraph "Not a problem", Griswold replied as he collected the man's mug and walked over to a nearby, tapped keg. New paragraphGriswold knew the man, as nearly everyone else in the inn that night did. He was one of the councilmen of the town just over the hill, the town called Brinford. Griswold sat the mug of warm mead down in [space] front of the
It might be better to put Griswold’s thoughts in Italics, rather than just using speechmarps {I} and {/I} where you want them to end. "Tonight will be good business" Griswold thought as he watched a lone performer take her seat on the small stage, a flute in her hand. His assumptions were not far from fruition, as most … off in any case, as most of the tables were full, and eleven of the twelve stools at the bar supported men from Brinford, out for a drink after a long day of whatever work they performed. New paragraph While serving a
Several times he had considered hiring on don’t need on a young girl as a barmaid, but he wasn't about to go looking for one himself as he had decided that a suitable maid would not no doubt eventually
was suprised surprised when he scanned the room and found the person [comma] still wearing the cloak with the hood still drawn up, face and features still a mystery. (I presume you used their to avoid stating the sex of this person, but it doesn’t read right.) with their cloak about them, hood still drawn up, their face and featured still a mystery. What made Griswold even more uneasy about this person is that they seemed to be staring intently at him, but as he could… would sound better and although he could not truly see the cloaked person's face [comma] nor the direction of their gaze, he let his feeling pass away as mere paranoia. Another hour had passed, and Griswold swore he could still feel the cloaked figure's eyes peircing piercing into him from across the room. Cloak still wrapped tight, the hood… around them, the hood still drawn up, Griswold began to feel the paranoia creep back into his mind. "Can I get you anything?", [no comma] Griswold
"Can I get you anything or not?". [no full-stop] The figure still only sat,
Griswold looked up as the young [space] man took to the stage, lighting fire to the black ends of the sticks. The young [comma] man then proceeded to toss them about in a rather entertaining juggling routine. Griswold smiled thinly, and turned back to the menacing stain don’t need in front of him (saves repeat in next sentence) in front of him. He nearly gasped when he saw the cloaked figure standing right in front of him. The cloaked person then took a seat at the bar directly in front of Griswold. New paragraph "I know who you are", the cloaked man almost hissed, it's his? voice to too deep to have been a woman's. New paragraph Griswold froze in his attempt to move further down the bar, away from the man in the cloak. "E-excuse m-me?" Griswold stammered as he turned once again to face this man who seemed to enjoy terrorizing him. New paragraph "I said I know who you are", the cloaked man said once again. New paragraph Griswold's face had gone pale, and though he stared directly at the hooded man he still could'nt couldn’t see even a hint of who he was.
"I am the proprietor of the most celebrated inn within a hundred miles or more.". loose second full-stop
"Now, may I get you a drink?", [no comma] Griswold asked in an even tone. New paragraph "Yes, some wine if you please.", [comma then speech-mark (no second comma)]
Who was this man?", [no full-stop] thought Griswold, "More importantly, how does he know of things that happened to me, or loose to so long ago and so far away?" Griswold had no clue as to whom the man might be, but he could guess at his intentions anyway don’t need anyway.
"Who are you?", [no comma] Griswold asked as he topped off the glass, "An assassin from the guild sent to kill me after all these years?". [no full-stop] New paragraph
"I am no assassin, just someone sent to observe", [no comma] New paragraph Griswold felt some of his tensions ease at the news that this man hadn't been paid to kill him. "Then what are you supposed to be observing?", [no comma] Griswold asked when the man in the cloak offered no further explanation. New paragraph "I was sent to make sure that the assassin who sat at this very bar last night performed the duties for which he has been paid.". [no full-stop] New paragraph Griswold nearly laughed as he replied, "Well I suppose he didn't do too well seeing as I'm still quite alive and well.". [no full-stop] New paragraph The hooded man
"Do you know what this is?", [no comma] he asked in his hissing tone. "It is a vial of a strong venom found in some spiders and other large vermin.", [no comma] the man answered his own question after noting Griswold's confused look. New paragraph Griswold looked slightly amused at the cloaked man's apparent mistake in revealing his plan, [full-stop] "Well I've not drank or eaten a single thing since you've been here.", [comma speech-mark no comma] Griswold said in an amused tone [no space| No capital on and], "And if I'd have been poisoned last night I wouldn't be where I am right now, that's for sure.". [loose second full-stop] Griswold said as he picked up the small vial.
The man sat and watched him a moment more before offering an explanation, "You see," he began [no space], "[small t] This particular poison is not meant to be ingested." , [no comma] the man explained, drawing a confused look from Griswold. "It is topical.", [no comma] the man
...the hand that had held the rag. New paragraph The juggler's act was in full flight now,
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |