This is very sweet. I feel that it's crying out to be extended as it needs to 'go somewhere' in my opinion. Also, even though it is short, there are still opportunities to tighten the language
"I'm breathing the whole big sky" is a little 'clunk' and could use a metaphor instead.
Try playing with imagery to convey the emotion.
I like your idea - that journey must have been fascinating. The whole time period is interesting.
How much research have you done? There is a lot of modern style language used and I'm not sure if it would have been used at that time. I could be wrong - I haven't done any research myself.
Some of your grammar was awkward and again, I'm not sure whether it was intended or not.
One thing jarred - it seems unlikely that, during 150 days, only one person would have told her whether they were heading. Perhaps her family wouldn't tell her before they set off, but during the trip?
Otherwise, well done!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mandyt2000
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:02am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
