A beautiful poem redolent of all the colour and cheer of children at play in the snow, and memories of one's own carefree play. This is very engagingly achieved through colourful sensual imagery and rhythm.
Might I make a couple of respectful suggestions? I'd be inclined to remove 'Their' and 'are' from the final line of stanza 2.
How about 'discover' instead of 'search out' in the final line of stanza 4?
And in the final stanza, what if you were to substitute, "I return his smile' instead of 'a smile so similar'. The rhythm remains that way.
The last stanza is weaker than the others, and I respectfully suggest for the second and following lines, 'From the white cabinet I retrieve chocolate and fresh cinnamon ground/With love Grandma prepares hot chocolate to drink/For cold little ones returning from play.' In this way, the rhythms and ideas you have set up are retained, and there is a stronger feel to the finish.
Absolutely exquisite. I loved this piece with its imagery of sea and hearts and moments. The final two lines made me weep too, pulling the whole poem together in the most beautiful finish imaginable. The rhythms and the imagery are perfect as one feels the movement of the sea in the rhythms, splintered occasionally by a glance or a lurch of the ship on the boiling sea. Utterly divinely beautiful. You made my day. Thank you!
This piece caught my interest at first, but although the author calls it a tale, it is actually a report. As a story, well-written, it would have been a great piece, I imagine, but as a report it sounds flat and doesn't easily hold this reader's interest. The details that are revealed are interesting, but the story is not woven together in a way that grabs the reader and won't let go.
In relationships there are always sticking points and cross-roads. These are the elements that offer great story-writing potential. However, the author has chosen to write about this interesting topic in a much less engaging manner. Moreover, the fact that the sequence of events hops about somewhat, makes for confusion at the beginning.
This could be developed into a much better piece. It actually reads as an outline that could be worked into a story. So, with all encouragement, I would suggest that the author treat this as a first, promising draft for a most interesting story written around these events. Best of luck, and keep writing!
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