I saw your poem link in the newest Poetry Newsletter and just had to take a look.
Your imagery is delightful. You are very correct in your explanation of the use of synonyms. They make all the difference in tone, value and intensity.
I would make one tiny suggestion: in the second stanza, third line, you use the word "set", if the use was intentional, please disregard, otherwise you might consider using "sat" instead.
I love your poem and can see where you sit waiting.
I confess I am a poetryphile, have been since elementary school.
This is a lovely expression of a request for a commitment that is almost a song.
It flows cleanly and completely to an inevitable conclusion.
I cannot in good conscious make a single suggestion for improvement.
feel free to visit my portfolio and review whatever you wish. I welcome your insight.
What I liked:
-the scene is well set; I can almost hear the breeze that wafted the scent of honeysuckle and hear the bicycle tires on the road and feel the warmth of the summer sun
-Deans' character is well rounded and genuine
-Laura, too, is on display, even with such a short story.
-Their budding attraction is evident, as is their reaction to Mr. Maple
- That they found each other and were able to resurrect their feelings so honestly and effortlessly
What I didn't like:
-that this is a short story. I am quite vested in these characters and want to know more about them and their arc.
Excellent job, I noticed no grammatical or spelling errors. Write On!
I am confused, I sent a review along with a merit badge yesterday. My review did not make it, somehow, so I will redo it!
I think your character development was very well done in the word count you had. I definitely wanted to read to the end and was satisfied, as a reader, with the ending. The flow as very good, as well.
This is amazing! Very deep, I had to re-read several lines to fully grasp the message. I feel you.
I cannot make any suggestions for "improvement".
I am fully of the opinion that poems are what they are, in most cases, they were written to express the authors' feeling/ideas/situations and how they are perceived by the reader, is up to the reader.
There are times when a poet can better express themselves with different words, or corrected spellings and I will gladly make suggestions of that type. However, I do not see any of those here.
This what you asked for your review, my comments follow.
Does it meet the prompt? (Given in the dropnote). Does it flow, is it interesting? Are there any typos or discrepancies I may have missed?
I am not convinced your story meets the prompt. The main character does not "change" herself as far as I can tell. although she obviously changes her place of work.
Overall, the story is compelling and flows well. It is interesting and I did not notice any typos.
I do not know your experience, and I do not want to make assumptions about your knowledge of special education laws and procedures. I am a retired special education teacher. In my state, the actions taken by your main character and the boys' teacher would be considered illegal. The parent has to be involved in all aspects of their childs' education. The parent has to agree and sign off on any changes, especially those that would change their classroom status, what is called the least restrictive environment. I hope I am not overreaching to provide this explanation, perhaps it is different where you live.
I did enjoy your story and applaud her determination to assist the young boy.
Free verse is my favorite poetry form. This is lovely. The overall impression is of an avid reader who does not discriminate between genres. I really do not have much in the way of suggestion for "improvements". My only actual suggestion would be to consider exchanging the word "smooths" to "soothes" in stanza four. In my opinion, the change would more in keeping with the overall tone of this piece. I will be visiting your portfolio!
This is ..."interesting". I was a little confused in the first section: Morty ordered "to go" but sat down and ate his nachos, then asked for a to go box. You might want to consider adding some more detail to that, maybe he ordered nachos, too? Or did he take them from his to go bag?
In the second section it says his bus card failed but he sat down and went somewhere? That, too is confusing...did the driver let him ride anyway? Where did he go?
I'm definitely curious to read more, I have too many unanswered questions about the characters and what they are doing and where they are going.
Thanks for the read!
How perfect! I teach high school robotics and the them this season is "SteamWorks" here is a link to the game animation https://goo.gl/snjK2E and 75K GPs!
What I did not like
There is nothing I disliked about your piece.
Suggestions/Corrections
The only "suggestion" I can provide, may or may not be relevant. In the last line you used the "sewed"...while the image of sewing is interesting, it is not usually associated with "oats"...the term more commonly used is: "sowed" as in "sowing seeds".
Final Thoughts
Keep writing, you have a thoughtful "voice". I hope to read more! Write On!
What I did not like
There was not any specific thing that I did not like about this piece.
Suggestions/Corrections
I would make a couple of suggestions that might improve the flow while assisting your reader's comprehension.
Your use of the word "duress" is confusing, your intent is not clear...you might want to re-visit that particular word choice.
Final Thoughts
I really like your thought process and your word choices.
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Overall Impression : A touching tribute, fiction, or not. Well written with the right touch of honesty and bravado. A very good read.
Opening :
Your opening sets the tone quickly and efficiently.
Characters & Dialog :
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation :
I noticed some minor grammatical/spelling issues that could use some attention.
Layed: 1st section and second section
You might review the use of "lay and "lie", as well as the proper conjugation of the verb - laid is past tense of lay and is normally used with objects. In the second usage, you do not need "had"
"ont he" and "int he" and "coupleof" : these are present in a couple of places...a simple typo...if you can, you might consider using the "spell check" function of your word processing program to catch these.
Number words of ten or less should be spelled out
"...make official..." needs an article, you could add, "it" between those two words
"...and suffereing than...bare." "suffering" is the proper spelling and "bare" should be 'bear'
Plot :
Without knowing whether this is based on a real experience, or not, the "plot" flows nicely, the "mystery" of what is going to happen is well hidden until the very end. I was pleasantly surprised by the ending.
Suggestions for Improvement
You have a little redundancy that weakens some of the wording and becomes distracting for the reader.
ex: first sentence "...at my surroundings"- could just delete that phrase; third sentence: "a deep breathe" if you are "inhaling" it is obviously a "breath"-could replace it with "deeply". Also, you "paused" in the first sentence then "stopped" in the fifth, without starting between.
Second paragraph: "...overpowered my mind..." you might consider changing that to "...overpowered me..."
Last paragraph of the first "section": "...died out my..." this could be stronger with ta simple "put out"
also, the transition to memory is pretty abrupt...I was not sure of the time frame until the third section...a little confusing.
It might be helpful to review the use of apostrophes, as well...in more than one instance you put them in where they are not needed. ex: partners...this is plural, not possessive; and "its" does not need one unless it can be written "it is"
In one place you refer to the "majestic oak" then later say that it is dead...you might want to make it more clear that it is one or the other.
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I think this is a wonderful story. I hope I am not being too picky. All of these are minor alterations that should make your writing stronger.
"The pain within"
Overall Impression
A succinct insight into the soul!
What I liked
I really liked was the complete picture you managed to portray in so few lines.
What I did not like
While it's really not for this category...I will be looking for the cause of the "The noise, the cacophony,
the devilish laughter, the animal ways"
Suggestions/Corrections
I have no suggestions or corrections.
Final Thoughts
I have read some of you other work and this does not disappoint. Thank you for sharing!
A bittersweet tale of love lost and regained that gripped my own heart.
Opening :
I could almost smell the salt spray and feel the crunch of sand under my own feet.
Characters & Dialog :
Not much dialog but, the story worked well without it. The main character was well developed for the length of the story.
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation :
I did not see any obvious errors in these areas.
Plot :
A good plot that is timely and timeless at the same time.
Suggestions for Improvement
I liked your story. I think it could use a little expansion, if you consider a re-write. The timing of the events are just vague enough to be confusing to the reader. If you do re-visit the story, I would be happy to re-visit my review, as well.
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Overall Impression : I am not certain if this is prose or or truth.
Opening :
A very good opening that catches the readers attention.
Characters & Dialog :
There was no dialog, as such. The narrating character is becoming well developed as the chapter comes to a close and a hint of the daughter is revealed. Good job!
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation :
I did not notice anything in these areas that required comment.
Plot :
It is a little hard to say much about the plot since I am not certain this is fiction. If it is fiction...you have done an awesome job creating a realistic situation and extremely believable characters. If it is non-fiction...I can only weep with you. While I have never had to deal with this situation with a child, I have lived with mental illness in the person of my mother. This is a very moving piece of writing, I applaud you!
Suggestions for Improvement
They are littered puppets, their strings tangled and frayed.
Nothing more, than dewy-eyed demon's playthings.
What I did not like
While this is not my favorite genre, I cannot say there is anything about your piece that I did not like!
Suggestions/Corrections
In the second line you use the word "wonder" (as in: I wonder where I put my car keys?), in this context I think you may have meant to use "wander" (Small children must be watched lest they wander away and get lost).
You have some rhymes but, I could not determine your rhyme scheme...maybe there wasn't one and the rhymes were unintentional?
Final Thoughts
I'm glad your muse has returned!
Thanks for the interesting read! Write On!
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