Dear Skipper,
What a bizarre little story! Hehe. Overall enjoyable, if not too enjoyable. It felt more like you were going for horror, when some of the time, particularly due to the identity of Amaya's foe, the story seemed ludicrous, more like a spoof or a comedy.
Still, your story was nicely done! I liked the short paragraphs style, where each one is only a few lines long. It kept the story from becoming a formidable block of text and scaring me off. And Amaya's hatred for the balloon is pretty on-target, in terms of authentic voice and progression of madness. Occasionally, though, as stated before, the story seemed almost silly, which is really the only reason I rated you down. Use of present tense is right on.
A couple more comments:
A bolt of lightning flases across the sky
Just a little typo... "flashes."
I lay on it. I do not know for how long. Five minutes, five hours... it all seems to be the same.
To be grammatically nitpicky, the present tense form would be "I lie on it." Incidentally, this part, as well as the rest of the story, reminded me somewhat of "The Tell-Tale Heart." A peculiar obsession... and the balloon is even heart-shaped. Hehe.
Pulling forth strength I didn't know I possess,
"I didn't know I possessed"
Interesting poem. Personally, I love gray weather, and I agree, it's truly "a place of rest." A couple of notes:
The first "grey" was spelled with an E, the rest with an A: "gray." Maybe you want to change that?
"Surrounding me like / An old gray army blanket." This is a great comparison, making you think of something that is comforting, although not luxurious or plush. However, consider not using the word "gray" again--maybe a synonym for gray?
All in all-- good job! Excellent conent, smooth rhythm and feel. Only a few nitpicks. Nice.
This is an interesting concept for a story, but I was immediately put off by the numerous technical errors in the first chapter. Examples follow...
"you just had a great burgar" burger
"You guess you feel hallow" I don't even know what you mean here. Is it shallow? Hollow?
"orange hallow eyes" Again- what word is this?
"he's a great buissness man" businessman- I believe it's just one word.
"woman who is a bit overwieght" overweight
"some mice, aligators and eggs" alligators
"no space ships, ect..." etc. is the abbreviation
And these are only a few; there are many many more. Mind you, it was only for technical problems that I rated you down. Therefore I strongly recommend using the spell checker. It takes only moments, and BAM! Your work looks clean and professional, rather than careless. Otherwise, good start for a story! I like the concept of a "mall troll" with a wish potion, etc. Write On!
This was a perfectly hilarious item. Your use of dialogue and your characters' thoughts were the most enjoyable part, for me. I particularly loved these lines: "I look to my moon pie for comfort."
"You are a deeply stupid man."
" 'Ok,' I reply. It's always best to agree with her."
Maybe I have a weird sense of humor, but this story just struck my fancy. I can't rate it any higher, though, because of numerous punctuation errors that often distracted me from the story itself, mostly in conjunction with quotations. Example...
“Yes.” She insists “It was looking right at me”
This ought to be... "Yes," she insists. "It was looking right at me."
So, since these little errors throughout distracted me from the story itself, I'm giving you a 4.0. But this is a really hilarious story. Write on!!
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