I enjoyed this piece a lot, though I'm not sure if this is still in line with the rest of your story (the story of Nathan Dire and Jessica; I'm assuming this is some time afterwards[?]).
The world was very interesting, but I say that with a bit of a bias, since I have read other pieces in this world and so I have more familiarity with your setting than some other readers.
The scenes of action, especially in the bar, were a good read, though they were a bit too fast for my personal liking. I would have liked to see more description.
The characters were all interesting and well-described. You did a good job of making both Jessica and Maugh unique and compelling each in their own right while also avoiding some cliches.
Now for some suggestions. Take them with a (big) grain of salt:
- I was surprised that the men of Yorensdale gave Jessica her space when she came into town. (though your story is fantasy, not "historical medieval") I found this a bit odd since women were considered "property" in those days. Then, you made an excellent twist in saying that most of the mercenaries there were women (which would explain the respect), but then in the barfight, the drunk man disrespects Jessica. Even drunks know when not to mess with a majority, and if the female mercs are as formidable as you suggest, I don't think he would have done this.
- Speaking of the bar, why is this scene in a bar? Not to be negative, but I can't think of a more overused or cliched fantasy scene than "hero-goes-to-local-tavern-and-gets-into-a-fight-and-shows-off-his/her-latent-powers". If your desire is to show off Jessica's abilities, maybe you could have it happen in the streets or a dark alley or something, since this appears to happen at night.
- Crossbows: the "woman's weapon" of fantasy. Again, I don't want to be negative, but because your fantasy world is so well-contructed and non-typical, I feel an urge to point out some of the things that (in my opinion) are cliches or erroneous. A crossbow is a heavy weapon. It takes up to a minute(sometimes more, sometimes less) to reload a heavy crossbow of medieval design. It takes strength and lots of open space to fully utilize a crossbow's power. Strangely, fantasy stories place weapons like crossbows and bows in women's hands, perhaps because these "distance" weapons reinforce the idea that women are fragile. A dirk, short sword, or long sword (which weighed no more than 1-7 pounds) would be more fitting. Even if you want Jessica to seem "strong", I wouldn't opt for a crossbow. For one reason, it isn't a practical weapon. It requires expensive bolt that are designed to pierce armor. 9 out of 10 opponents found in the wild are not going to be armor-plated. Also, it is a ranged weapon, and ranged weapons were horrible for city life, unless it was a throwing dagger. Case in point: a crossbow is equal to a bazooka or grenade launcher. Throwing daggers/knives are equal to a handgun. Which one is used in the city?
- This isn't necessarily a complaint, but I was very confused by the "caligan", Maugh. There would be scenes where you would say something along the lines of "he was in a red-head human's form". I wasn't exactly mystified or intrigued (though I love the concept of what Maugh is). I was simply confused at the lack of details. Perhaps you could word it a bit differenly. I felt that the way you wrote it assumed that the reader knew what a Caligan was and that the reader would be familiar with typical caligan behavior.
Enough complaining, though. Most of my complaints were personal observations, and in terms of style, story, readability, and grammar, you deserve a 4.5. I really loved this piece, and I'm interested in reading more, since this seems to be a different time and place than what I read previously with Nathan Dire. Good work!
-B- |
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