This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
Is it a poem? Is it a word game? I guess it's both I really enjoyed this piece you've entered into the "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor contest.
What I liked most
I like the idea of your poem, as it's a great way to have fun with words. My favourite stanza is the one I found funniest: With it bundled up well, it had plenty of flecks
I tried to pick it up, but my back wouldn’t flex
Instead I stooped; then smelled a stench so foul
Something was rotten, it was an offending fowl
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
You have left the end of each stanza free of punctuation, but I think it would be better to put full stops at the end of each verse as it would make the poem more easily readable. For the penultimate stanza there ought to be a question mark at the end, as the final line is a question.
In the final line of the final verse, there is no need for the comma after the word 'poem'.
In conclusion...
The main thing that's great about this poem is that it feels like you had fun writing it, which adds to the enjoyment I get from reading it. It's a quirky idea and you've made it work - and I love the tongue-in-cheek joke in the last line. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I really enjoyed this story that you've entered in the "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor contest. The aim of the contest is to make readers laugh and you have definitely achieved that.
What I liked most
I love the tone of the story. You've written it quite simply and that serves to make the ending effective as a punchline.
Also, I'm impressed that you manage to convey real characters within such a short word count. An example of this is Jeffrey stared back at me, having absorbed my every word. He nodded his head vigorously. This really shows a strong image of the little boy.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
The only typo I noticed is in the second paragraph - there is a space between the quote marks and the word Do in the final sentence.
Other than that I didn't spot anything that I would suggest changing.
In conclusion...
This is a sweet, funny story of a child's all-too-literal interpretation of an adult's words. Great work. Good luck in the contest
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I enjoyed reading this. Your use of imagery is good and there is a strongly evocative tone to the piece as a whole.
What I liked most
The image of the protagonist feeling no emotion as he tears butterfly wings is very striking. Also, the cyclical structure of the piece as a whole, with the death and innocence notions returning in the final verse, creates a sense of completion that works well and strengthens the piece.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I have a couple of minor suggestions:
In the first verse, there is no need for the word "still" before "remain" in the last line. If this word is included for purposes of rhythm, I would consider replacing it with something else, as "still remain" feels a bit awkward.
In the third verse, you say "watching innocence demise". I'm not sure that you want to use the verb form of "demise" here, as it doesn't mean quite the same as the noun. If you mean the demise of innocence then you need to say "innocence's demise".
In conclusion...
This is a good lyrical piece and you clearly have talent when it comes to evoking emotion with your words. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I love this poem. I like the idea behind it and the simplistic way it is written.
What I liked most
The line Not warring countries but feuding siblings is my favourite. It brings to mind the idea that all disputes between nations are, when viewed objectively, pathetic, trivial and unnecessary. If only political leaders could see it this way...
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
The only thing I would suggest changing is the semi-colon at the end of the first line. I would be tempted to leave this without punctuation so the line flows straight on: Flying over all, the wise bird sees
Not many nations but one world
In conclusion...
This is such a short poem but really gets its point across in a clear manner. Great work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is a sweet story about a son's experience of fishing with his father.
What I liked most
The cyclical structure of this story — beginning and ending with a father and son — is lovely as it really reiterates the sense of family that runs throughout the piece.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
Although I enjoyed this story, I did feel that the narrative voice was a bit too passive. People always bang on about the writer's rule of "show, don't tell" and I think that applies here. Look at the amount of reporting that your narrator is doing in the third paragraph alone: He began his story by telling us...
He added that...
My father told us that...
He explained that...
He mentioned that...
I think the story would benefit from a more active narrative voice. Perhaps more dialogue would help to make the reader feel like they are part of the action rather than just hearing about it afterward.
In conclusion...
I enjoyed reading this story and feel that with a few changes it could be a really great piece of writing. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is a nice piece of writing about overcoming a childhood fear, but I felt that I was left wanting more.
What I liked most
This item caught my eye because, like you, I adore horses and love riding, so I was interested to read something on this theme. I like the way you talk about your experiences; I think anyone who has ridden horses will be able to identify.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I noticed a couple of grammatical points: Boy you talk about proud I was really proud then! — should be Boy, you talk about proud, I was really proud then!
...and learn to ride him.I have got to the point that... — needs a space between sentences.
Its now a family thing — should be It's.
Also, I felt that the piece was just a bit short overall. I enjoyed reading it but wished some of it was more fleshed out — for example, the background of why you had never ridden before and how you came to be in hospital.
In conclusion...
While I felt in some respects that this wasn't a complete piece of work, I certainly enjoyed what I read and I think it has the potential to be a great story. Good work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I enjoyed this passionate poem about the way we treat the planet.
What I liked most
It is clear that you feel very strongly about this issue and you convey it well throughout the poem. The rhyme scheme you have chosen adds a rhythmic element, which helps to drum your point into the reader's mind.
My favourite stanza is: We think the Earth's our punching bag,
Or at least that's how we treat it.
And the Earth cannot survive us
When we punch and whip and beat it.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
For the most part I think your word selection is great but there were a couple of instances where I wasn't sure: The wildlife is becoming ill — this line feels a little impersonal and forced. Maybe it would read better if you named specific animals rather than saying "the wildlife".
The earth is in jeopardy because of us
...
Because of us they're dying.
While the repetition of the phrase "because of us" might help to emphasise the point, it seems like you just ran out of phrases. I wonder whether it might read better if the second "because of us" was changed to something like "it's our fault that".
In conclusion...
I enjoyed reading this poem; you make a strong point about an extremely worthwhile issue. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is an excellent poem, making great use of a form that, personally, I find very difficult!
What I liked most
This poem is very emotive, and you stick to the prompt closely throughout. My favourite stanza is: Rumors, in print, become truth most profound
formed from cruel venom hidden in a heart.
Words virally sprawl through the ether around.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I have no suggestions for how you could improve this poem.
In conclusion...
I very much enjoyed this poem. It's a powerful piece of writing addressing an important and upsetting issue. Great work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is a good poem extolling the virtues of sleep and I enjoyed reading it.
What I liked most
I like the way you personify sleep and talk directly to it. It's an effective way of conveying your message. My favourite lines are: Precious Sleep, can you spare a few hours for me?
I will follow any rules you set.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I have one minor suggestion: I will await for you again tonight - should be wait for you or await you
In conclusion...
This is an interesting poem addressing a theme to which many readers can relate. Good work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I enjoyed this piece of flash fiction. I always appreciate writers who are able to tell a full story in a severely restricted word count and you have managed that here.
What I liked most
I like the fact that you manage to develop the characters in so few words. The different attitudes of the princess and her companion are conveyed clearly.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I would only suggest one minor change: In this instance , keeping the Princess cool and relaxed — should be princess
In conclusion...
You set the scene well and the twist ending has a strong impact. Overall, this is an effective and enjoyable piece of flash fiction. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I don't usually review polls but wanted to say something because I think this is quite a brave poll to run, particularly as you are a Christian and could therefore be offended by others' opinions on this subject.
What I liked most
I like the fact that you present so many options, giving everyone an opportunity to participate no matter what they believe.
Personally, I selected 'Other', as I think that it is possible that the various stories that came together in the New Testament claiming to be about Jesus could have been about various different wise, kind men. After all, the books of the bible were written by different people so it stands to reason that their experiences would have been different. I don't mean any offence by this, so please don't take any.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I've never created a poll on WDC so I don't know if it would be possible, but it would be interesting to be able to see why people have selected the option they chose, particularly given that 'Other' is one of the most popular choices.
In conclusion...
This is a thought-provoking poll and I like the fact that you seem to be very respectful of other people's beliefs, even if they conflict with your own.
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
What a great poem. You have such a brilliant way with words.
What I liked most
it carries off
what land cannot hold onto
This is an interesting perspective: the idea that it is not the flood that is taking things from the land so much as the land being unable to keep hold of those things. I love this notion and it really made me think.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
None whatsoever
In conclusion...
This is a strong poem and I loved it. It made me sad as the images you present — limp grass clippings, / an occasional dead cow are kind of, for want of a better word, pathetic in comparison with the awesome power of the water itself.
I also love the sense of a muddy river being like chocolate under normal circumstances but like sewage (or the product of loose bowels) in a situation like this.
There is a lot to think about in this poem. Great work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This short piece about learning to ski was highly amusing and I really enjoyed reading it.
What I liked most
separated by the tell tale butterfly indentation of her cheeks — need I say more? It usually takes a lot to make me laugh out loud but you managed it here
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
If you get going to fast, simply point uphill — should be too
In conclusion...
You certainly have a natural ability when it comes to comic writing. I really enjoyed this, the tone and pace fit the subject matter perfectly and it was a great read. I'll definitely be checking out more of your writing soon. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I really enjoyed reading this song lyric. You take a generally negative issue and present it in a comedic way, to great effect.
What I liked most
There’s fish on the fire and Bud at my feet -
with food and a friend, my life is complete.
It just came to me, sitting here by this stream,
you’re extremely rich when you’re living your dream.
This idea of wealth not necessarily being to do with finance is a really positive notion, and your words sum it up brilliantly.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I didn't spot any errors in this piece.
In conclusion...
I don't read many song lyrics on WDC and I really enjoyed this. The message behind the song is powerful and optimistic in the face of negativity, which I like a lot. I smiled the entire time I was reading this. Great work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I thought this was a great poem. Many writers tackle the subject of abuse but this is an interesting perspective to take and, as you point out in your notes, highlights the different levels on which abuse is committed.
What I liked most
My favourite stanza is: I silently stand by and watch -
I learn a lesson straight from hell.
I wonder at the cruelty and
why a part of me dies as well.
The last line of this verse really shows how outsiders can be affected by what they witness and their own fears or confusion about how to deal with a situation. You convey the sense of guilt very strongly.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I didn't spot any errors and my only suggestion is a mere preference, which you can feel free to ignore!
The last line — will last OUR whole lifetime — is powerful but, personally, I don't feel there is a need for the upper-case letters. I think that the emphasis would remain on the word "our" even without being directed to it.
In conclusion...
This is a strong, moving poem about a serious and all-too-common issue. I really enjoyed reading it and I think the sense of character you develop, both in terms of the poem's narrator and its subject, is excellent. Great work.
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I really enjoyed this short story about a golf lesson. There is a very conversational tone to your writing, which is perfect in this piece.
What I liked most
I like the fact that you manage to criticise golf without being outright negative about it. Your final line sums it all up: "Am I missing something?" It feels like you are not being disrespectful of golfers, just acknowledging that it's not for you.
I also love the humour that runs throughout the piece.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I didn't spot any technical errors or typos. This was a really well-written piece and I have no suggestions for improvements.
In conclusion...
This is a really entertaining piece of comic writing. The style and structure flows very well and it's a thoroughly enjoyable read. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is an good idea for a story and you've written it well. I found the subject interesting as it's an important social issue so it's nice to see writers tackling it.
What I liked most
It's interesting to read the prompt you were given at the beginning of the story — the approach you chose to take is unusual but still fits with the prompt, and makes for a great story.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
One thing that bothered me a bit about this story is the title. I don't think I would have guessed what was happening if I didn't already have an idea from the title, and the story might have been more effective that way.
I felt that some of your sentences were a bit long, and sometimes you use commas where it might be better to use a full stop and create separate, shorter sentences. For example: "...the man in white yelled to no avail, no one moved for a moment...in front of me, a few of the waiters chased after him..." — this might flow a bit better as separate sentences.
I also spotted a few typos:
* "Maybe we should skip just skip the movie?" — delete first skip.
* "It's not the film, I mean; I'm just not feeling well" — I think a comma might work better than a semi-colon after mean, and you should insert a full stop after well.
* He scratched his beard which was short and stylish the kind of little goatee on the cover of the weeks GQ magazine and his suit jacket had the little Gucci logo sewn into the back. — should be week's. Also this sentence is pretty long and could use some punctuation — I would suggest a comma after beard, a dash after stylish and a comma after magazine.
In conclusion...
This is a good story about an important, topical issue. I think you've captured the pathetic nature of prejudice well, and it was an enjoyable read. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is an enjoyable poem, reflecting the mix of feelings that are part of unrequited love.
What I liked most
She giggles and tells me I'm just like a brother,
Yet I need not a sister; I desire a wife.
I think a great many people can probably relate to this sort of feeling — the frustration of having your feelings for someone misunderstood. I really like the way you've captured that idea in these lines.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
In terms of spelling and grammar, I spotted no errors. I think this poem is successful and have no suggestions for amendments.
In conclusion...
There is a nice rhythm to this poem, and the tone really captures the ambivalence of being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same. You've picked a pretty much universal subject matter but the way you've written the poem feels fresh. Good work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is a very touching poem. It is quite simple and I think a lot of people could relate to it. I really enjoyed it.
What I liked most
My favourite section is: Happiness leaves
As the light leaves the earth,
slowly so that you never really notice.
This is a great observation and it's very moving.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
But innocence fades
darkness creeps in,
The only suggestion I have is that you might place a comma after "fades". I just felt that it needed some kind of pause before "darkness creeps in".
In conclusion...
This is a really nice, honest poem about what it feels like to be at a dark point in your life. I'm glad to read in your intro that you don't feel like this anymore, but I think it's great that you wrote a poem about it because these are the kind of feelings that so many of us experience, and it's important for both readers and writers to share those experiences. Good work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is a great piece of flash fiction. It is a complete story and I didn't feel like you were trying to cram too much into a restricted word count.
What I liked most
I laughed at the end, and that's always a good sign — as long as it is what the writer intended! I liked the way the tension builds throughout the story, as it makes the anticlimax at the end all the more amusing.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I didn't notice any errors or typos, and have no suggestions for how you could improve on this.
In conclusion...
You paint a clear picture, setting the scene well. It's only a very short piece of writing and yet the story feels full, which is an impressive achievement. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is a really good piece of writing. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but having read your introduction explaining that it was written for a company website, I wasn't expecting it to be as interesting as it was! It is certainly a much more enjoyable story than I'd expect to find about the formation of a company.
What I liked most
I like the fact that you write it as a story rather than a very factual, formal company history, yet you manage to retain all the crucial facts and information about the company. The anecdote about the marzipan is interesting and entertaining, and you've told the story in a very clear and accessible way.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I didn't notice any typos; it is written in a very professional manner and the tone is appropriate for a company website.
In conclusion...
I usually read fiction and occasionally poetry on WDC, so I thought it would be an interesting change to read something like this because it's so different. What I like is the fact that you seem to have approached this as a writer, rather than merely attempting to promote a company or product. It makes for a good read. Nice work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
This is a great story — really dark and sinister. I loved it.
What I liked most
I like the way you mix the real-life aspects with the fantasy of the girl as a princess, with references to "this sleeping beauty" and "the cavalry".
The structure of the story is well thought-out; the fact that what has actually taken place is revealed in the second half of the story works really well.
I love the ending. The fact that she doesn't know him almost made me sympathise with him for a second.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I noticed a couple of minor errors:
* And now, a princess lie on the cold cement floor — should be lay
* and was simpler than most his final exams — insert of between most and his
* This isn't a fairytale — should be fairy tale as it is in the previous paragraph
In conclusion...
This is a pretty short story but manages to feel very complete. I like the way you write and the imagery you use. Essentially this story comes from quite a simple idea but you have been creative with the concept and written quite an original piece, which is impressive. Great work
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I really enjoyed this story. From the quote at the beginning and the dramatic, mysterious first paragraph, I was hooked. And I certainly didn't see the ending coming — it was very effective.
What I liked most
The tone of the story really gets into the mindset of an excited child — so much so that I had forgotten about the negative connotations of the opening paragraph by the time I got to the end, which made it a big shock. I also like the way you develop the characters and their relationships with one another.
Some of the vocabulary you use is interesting, you don't always go for the most obvious or common word, which keeps it fresh. I also like some of the phrases and imagery you use, for example: "hairs that strove to mask his baldness".
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I only have two suggestions and they are both fairly minor:
* "But the memory of that day and those eyes are a scar seared into my soul" — should be is, because you are referring to the memory, which is singular.
* When the father is saying grace and refers to Timmie, it is spelled Timmy. Throughout the rest of the story it is spelled Timmie so this is inconsistent.
In conclusion...
This is a great story. You build tension well and I like your use of dialogue. The characters are well-developed and the ending is very effective and poignant. Good job
This review contains only my opinions and suggestions. I hope you may find it useful.
Overall impression
I really enjoyed this story. You structure it well and there is a strong theme of hope following disaster, so at the end the reader is left feeling optimistic despite the terrible thing that has happened.
What I liked most
I like the structure of the story: the way it begins during the attack, then briefly recaps the earlier moments. The story would not be nearly so powerful had it been written in purely chronological order.
I also like the fact that the story is written largely in the present tense. It brings a feeling of immediacy, which is appropriate and fits with the subject matter.
Suggestions for alterations/corrections
I only have a couple of suggestions. Firstly, a typo: in the paragraph that begins "We continue stepping over remnants..." there is a double-quote mark, rather than an apostrophe, in the word don't.
Two paragraphs later: “But, Dad, the man .” There shouldn't be a space between the word man and the full stop/period.
The only other suggestion I have is to do with your choice of words. These two phrases appear within two paragraphs of each other:
"Unbelieving eyes look around at a house"
"My eyes are unbelieving as we open the door"
I wonder whether it might be more effective to replace the word unbelieving in one of these sentences, as it feels a little bit repetitive at the moment.
In conclusion...
This is a strong story that grabbed me from the very beginning. The tone and descriptions of damage are very effective and create a real sense of large-scale destruction. It is very moving, particularly when the father cries and mentions the trees that are gone. As I have already mentioned, the sense of hope offered at the end is really effective, making the story poignant rather than distressing. I enjoyed it a great deal. Nice work.
Keep writing!
Madi
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/madi81
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.14 seconds at 11:19pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I really enjoyed this piece you've entered into the "
