What a touching and heart wrenching bit of poetry. You capture the innocence of youth and the loyalty of it very well.
The bit that got me most "because we know that most of all, we’ll have our only meal."
My son is in middle school and has a friend who has told him the same story. The circumstances are different but the outcome the same. We have opened our doors for him and though we struggle ourselves to some degree do all we can to help him and make sure he gets a good meal each night. That bit made me tear up.
Thank you for your words and thoughts and keep the good ones coming.
This is a beautiful piece. It is well written and it evokes very powerful images. I will confess it might be a little to deep for me, I'm kind of a simple guy, but it was very well done.
Technically I think this is pretty sound. The only thing I saw was the last line of the third stanza ends with "believe" and it seems like it should be "belief" but i'm not sure that was a mistake or done intentionally for effect.
This is a very good piece. Well written and very well thought out and thought through. While we don't know the protagonist particularly well you use your space and choose your words wisely which gives us a good snapshot of what she is like, what her life is like, without a lot of detail.
I am drawn to mirrors in my own life and in my writing. I have piece on writing.com that is centered around how the characters sees his life through his reflection. So given my proclivities for stories that center around intraspection I am probably a little biased but I think this is a good piece and could be expanded into a very interesting novel or novella.
Technically I found only a few things, a few missing words here and there.
The one thing I would point out:
move it towards the right side before the fatal blow that would've probably hurt her really bad. (The use of the word fatal to describe the blow would indicate a deadly force, one that would kill her. You might think about changing the word fatal to something else or even just put a period after the word blow and drop the rest)
I look forward to reading more of your work, I was very impressed.
This is an interesting concept and I have to admit I am a sucker for historical fiction. I am curious though if thise was an entry into a contest and if there was a word limit you needed to stay below. This reads as a very good rough outline for a more detailed story.
I hope you have the time and inclination to expand on what you have here. I would love to hear the backstories for this and would like to find out what happened to Jusztina.
Technically I didn't find any spelling or grammatical errors. I did find a few areas where some different word choices would help with the flow of the story ie:
Jusztina ducked at her bedroom window
If you replaced "at her" with "below" it helps with the flow. Just a few areas like that.
This is a great piece. It's so simple but it tells a great story, one with which I am very familiar in fact.
I happen to be a great lover of writing Haiku and find this type of poetry simple and beautiful. Also to the point, something most other types of poetry lack is that directness.
Technically I catch anything. The Syllabic construct was on point and there are not spelling errors.
This is a nice write up. Great imagery and has a very nice flow and cadence. It reads almost like something I could hear Eminem rapping. I am intrigued and look forward to hearing the conclusion to this if you do indeed intend to make a part II.
Technically just a few things that are easily fixed.
"It's time to see old Satin to give him what I owe". Satan is the correct spelling.
The only other thing I found was that there are a few lines that should have been capalized on the first word.
This is a nice beginning. It's fun to follow a timeline and to catch glimpses of a persons life.
Technically the only thing I would say is that there are so many different ideas in the story that it is a little hard follow and is a little choppy. And it left me wanting to know more about those ideas that were presented. I think this would be a great piece if you were to break down each paragraph by the ideas in it and expand on those and tell the stories that are lying below the surface.
This is a nice bit of writing. The imagery is very potent and leaves little question as to the emotion and state of thought behind this piece.
The only things, for a structural stand point I would consider would be to combine the following into one line:
from this woven,
distinctively delicate place.
And the only thing is with Poetry each line tends to be its own thought so you could do away with the sentence structure (no need for periods for example) and to capitalize the first word of each line.
First, thank you for your service. You have the heart and courage to stand up and protect what we hold dear not only hear at home but away as well. Thank you and may god bless you and yours.
It was a very compelling read. Short and to the point, a style which emphasizes the content as well. Your voice in this story lends some insight into what our young men and women not only have to deal with emotionally but physically as well.
I don't have much to point out technically. The only thing I would say is that I would like to know what M.W.R. stands for, but that's not really a tech thing, just my curiosity.
Well done!
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