This is good. Odd that a supply of junk food for a couple of days would turn him away from suicide, especially since he is injured and nothing else has changed except for the worse. The randomness of the bicycle attack calls out for some resolution
"He lies on his back" is a change of tense. Make it "lay", the past tense.
I can appreciate the utopian vision, though I suspect and fear it is only a pipe dream... or that Gaia will have to be rid of us in order to rebuild herself over millions of years.
Some of the lines are very puzzling or awkward. I do see this as a poem, but how does one "look inward with a target position"?
"Disclosures that will permit our to open" needs editing.
Thank you for sharing your dream.
This is hysterical. And I think I know these people, or their soul twins. Very well drawn. One nit, when you say they saw no need to prolong this meeting, I think you mean "postpone".
A unique way of looking at the issue of self-injury, though not a very deep consideration. I hope that, if this indeed true of you, that you have found peace not involving blood.
In many places you have put a comma after a quote and continued with a lower case letter, when it would be better to end the quote with a period and start the next sentence fresh. This is particularly true when you have continued with a descriptive phrase or dependent clause. Example:
"It's time," with a sigh, Sharon stepped from the window
vs.
"It's time." With a sigh, Sharon stepped from the window
well, you could have her demand that Ray solve her plumbing problem, and have him fail, and maybe have the daughter give it a try and succeed, that would be good for a laugh. You may be getting too deep into the philosophy toward the end and not finishing the actual story/situation.
If she is looking for a life partner, she needs one who will respect her abilities and spirit, so keeping them secret would be the worst approach. Maybe one of her silent male co-workers should secretly give her a thumbs-up for silencing Ray for once. I guarantee not all men take Ray's attitude.
copy edits:
"Even though I will ever win" should be never.
"It's the challenge than what others think" Either use 'It's more the challenge' or 'rather than what others think'
"don't get along too good with them" should be 'too well with them'
The whole effect is a bit repetitive, could probably be tightened up. I don't recall if the challenge required this much length, though.
I really like the way you treat the fairy lifestyle so matter-of-factly, human-like and yet not.
Your protag is quite the rogue, isn't she?
As a stand-alone story this itches the spot in my brain that wants to hear the whole tale. Not exactly a cliffhanger, but feels like it should be part of a much larger story about this quest or dream or prophecy, and why the Mother Creator needs resurrecting. Dare one hope that this is in your future plans?
First, a couple copy edits: in part 1, "telling him what to" , the "do" appears a couple sentences later where it doesn't belong. Also, "condemned" is a very odd, awkward word choice in its context.
Incidentally, if his mom was calling from work, who's driving this car to the dentist?
Part 2 keeps switching tenses, you need to stick with either past or present tense verbs. Preferably past, I think.
Part one is very evocative, I felt the lure of those long summer days and evenings. Part two is realistic and makes the reader a bit impatient with this guy who isn't dealing well. Yelling and leaning on the horn. Dude. But one can sympathize with his lost feeling of freedom.
Overall, well done, you have a writer's eye and ear.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/macdonall
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:31pm on Dec 11, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "