Jo ... STOP IT !!! Another story line ... SO SO GOOD !!!
I'll tell you all the things that are so good about this ...
The all important first paragraph ... NAILED IT ... because of course at the end of the world as we know it, some of us will be in our cars on our way to work ... your line that says " ... what was I waiting for. I didn't know so I sat and chewed on my fingernails." So real.
Your thought process as you are sitting in your car ..."I just filled the gas tank up, what a waste." YES !!! That thought would cross my mind as well ... LOL ...
I had sweaty pits as I was reading this ... "I swallowed hard and tried to control my fear, it was then something tapped on my window. I just closed my eyes and realized I had no control over anything!" OMG !!! STOP IT !!! LOLOL
Your writing style is so easy to read ... it pulls your reader along effortlessly ...
You are a great story teller ... I'm on here often ... not really writing my own stuff ... but reviewing work from others ... it's my "thing" right now ... you are a great writer ...
Just a suggestion ... I was curious ... and tried to look at your bio ... you haven't disclosed anything yet ... my suggestion would be to not disclose who you are ... it makes your stories all the more delicious ...
You made my day ... I'll be looking forward to more ...
Hello Jo ... please insert a "shocked" and "frightened" emoji here !!!!!
OMG !!! This is soooo good ... I was in the townhouse with your characters ... watching it all ... from your first paragraph I was pulled in ... excited about the renovation ... I could hear the sledge hammer hit hard against the drywall ... I could smell the dust in the air ... I was curious about what plans were in mind with the additional space that was found ... (I'm a realtor by trade) ... and as your story continued I was absolutely glued to the page ...
Where can I read the second chapter ? What happens next ?
Hello E !!! I'll share a story line that I've been thinking about for quite some time ... I think it has many avenues to explore ... and could be so funny, sad, frightening ... all of that ... so here goes ...
What if ... you are given a "Guardian Angel" when you are born ... but your "Guardian Angel" might not be what you expect ... what if your "Guardian Angel" is clumsy or forgetful ... not very good at being a Guardian Angel ... what if your character is overly clumsy or forgetful and it's really their Guardian Angels fault ...
Have you ever met a couple that doesn't seem to match ... you wonder why they are together ... maybe it's because their Guardian Angels want to be together ...
You could explore ... Guardian Angel University (G.A.U.) ... where they study to become Guardian Angels ... what classes would they take ... what would they excel at ... who would be their friends ...
What do you think? I'd be interested in learning what your thoughts are about this story line ?
This is absolutely beautiful ... from your first line ... it captures your curiosity and pulls you in ... I love that you did not name her ... she is "the girl" ... brilliant ... your single focus on her ... there is no background to place her ... she stands in front of you and it seems everything disappears ...
I LOVED THIS SO MUCH !!!
Where are you taking this story? Is this a "first chapter" of what is to come?
This is the best thing I've read here in a while ...
I just want to stay inside these memories ... read and re-read this ... I can smell the corn and the combine just like you described ... I can see your grandparents in vivid color ... and taste the cookies that your grandmother made ...
Hey Nicole ... Boy !!! Did you hit that on the head !!! LOLOL
I'm reading this over and over again ... re-living my my 20's ... my 30's and yes .. my 40's ... HAHAHA
Now that I'm in my 60's I've learned a few things or two ... I've learned that I'd rather be "happy" than be "right" ... and that was an easy lesson learned ... I practice being the one who steps into the middle ... with intentions to get back to "loving" and "peacefulness" ... it's just so simple ...
Silence is a killer ... left to our own imaginations is not always a good thing ... or the right thing ... better to have words and intentions ... it's okay to "budge" ... to agree to disagree ... it's just not okay to waste hours and days in conflict ... life is so short ... days are so precious ... love is not so easy to find ... or keep for that matter ... so ... "Budge" if you must ... LOLOL ...
Loved your poem ... I'll be thinking about this for days to come ...
A Poetess ... oh how I love that !!! ... I'm certain it's the most honest description of you ...
So ... RA ... I'm feeling for you ... the pain that never goes away ... the loss of independence ... (that's what I miss the most ... although my injuries are different than yours ... relentless pain is ... relentless pain) ...
Life has a way of sitting us down ... making us re-evaluate things we were certain of ... I had a spinal injury ... after the initial panic of what was ahead ... I had to question myself every day ... my questions were ... "What Are You Made Of ?" ... "How Strong Are You ?" ... "Can You Dig Deeper ?" ...
I totally "get you" ... and I'm excited that writing is ahead of you ... do you have a story line that you are excited to explore ? ... or several story lines ... LOLOL
Good morning Charley ... I'm so pleased so see another work in progress ... and I'd be so happy to provide some insight and perhaps some suggestions for you ...
I love your story line ... your reader feels empathy for Danny immediately ... I can feel the emptiness and darkness of the auditorium as Danny makes his way to the stage ...
Might I suggest that you use less wording ...
For example: The first two paragraphs might read ...
"Crawling out from under the auditorium bleachers, Danny made his way through the darkness to the stage. He is on a mission. Holding tight to a tattered red box held safely under his arm, he finds himself alone on the empty stage."
Placing the box on the floor he ...
This might be a condensed introduction to your story ... I think the reference to "his pants are too short" ... Joyce and Kevin ... are not really part of the story ...
The heart of the story is his father ... and not knowing where he is ... and that the box is the most precious remembrance of his father ... the box is the introduction to his father ... and what Danny knows about what happened to him ...
The mention of the "American flag folded into triangles stored in a case on the living room wall ..." is so emotional ... I had tears ... but the line gets lost in your structure ... that line need to be front and center of the paragraph ... it hits hard on your heart ...
Danny's mother ... needs more ... dig into her emotions ... she needs to be more of a character in your story ... not the main focus ... but she has suffered a loss as well ... and that affects Danny in so many ways ... she is hurting as well ...
The janitor ... and the magic wand ... brilliant ... love that a lot ...
The "scrape ... thump ... scrape ... thump ..." I was holding my breath ... not knowing who was around the corner ...
On a personal note ... I bought a book ... "Dreyer's English" .. An Utterly Correct Guide to Clarity and Style" It is written by Benjamin Dreyer .. it's a great book ... Benjamin Dreyer is an Editors Editor ... He reminds us throughout the book that "Less is More" ... Less fluff ... more story ...
So ... I hope this is helpful ... writing is always a work in progress ... I love that you are writing and putting your work out there to be read and enjoyed ...
You have inspired me to write more these days ... I'd love to send you something of mine to critique ... I'll be working on a story line shortly ... maybe you could have a look at it for me ...
I was in your story in the first sentence ... the pace was good ... EXCELLENT dialogue (I find dialogue is difficult to master) ... loved the story line ... great read ...
Hey Remy ... it's so good to see another Canadian here ... I"m so homesick !!!
So ... If I could make a few comments ... (just so you know ... there are two spaces after a period ... it makes it easier to read ...) just sayin ...
So that out of the way ... what an interesting topic to write about ... you did the cursory "blah blah blah" about being good ... following the rules ... BUT evil ... now that's interesting ... what is it that makes people evil ... a look into an actual diagnosis of someone being NARCISSISTIC is interesting ... someone who genuinely is lacking empathy ... the ability to connect with others ... only interested in using people as pawns to acquire what they want ... now that is EVIL ... and would be an excellent character study ...
Personally ... I am an atheist ... so the premise of "heaven" and "hell" are wasted on me ... my question is always ... "What if "heaven" is overcrowded ... packed with humans from the beginning of time ... all up there ... what if "heaven" is dirty and run down ... what if ...
You are so right to surmise that evil lives in all of us ... the access to computer technology is all we need to show us how evil we can be when no one is watching ... Evil lives in all of us ...
I think you should explore this subject more ... try a character study ... I've always thought that an evil female was more interesting than a male ... but that's just me ...
I was hanging on every word ... there in the room with you and your precious wife ... horrified ... and saddened that you carried this for so long ... understanding your reasons why ... wanting desperately for you to tell your story ...
Brilliantly written ... engaging ... lovingly resolved ... for the moment ... letting your reader know that you are safe ... and loved unconditionally ...
Well ... Good Morning to you ... your post brings a lot of information ... indirectly ... to the table ... and I'd like to perhaps make some observations and maybe a suggestion or two ...
I don't think I would be wrong to guess that you are "young" and maybe a little inexperienced at life so far ... I'm so sorry that you feel "too far away from human connection" ... and that your "fear" is keeping you from living a life that promises to be amazing for you ... life is so bland and mundane without "rebels" like you to shake things up a little ...
Clearly you are struggling with your sexual identity ... the question is ... "Why do you care so much what other people think" ... and I mean that with kindness and respect ... love is love ... it's just so simple ...
With a little more time and experience in life you will come to realize that ... it doesn't matter what other people think ...
The big picture is that ... we are here for such a short time ... the blink of an eye and then it's over ...
What I wish for you is ... that you relax a little ... don't be so hard on yourself ... it will all work out for you ... accept who you are ... it's all good ... it doesn't have to be hard ... the decision to accept yourself just as you are takes a nano second ...
Just go out there in the world and find someone to love ... be kind ... be funny ... be caring ... be daring (lol) ... be honest ... be fearless ... be involved ... just be you ...
Could I suggest that you continue to write about your struggles and how you overcome them ... blaze a path for those who are dealing with the same struggles ... there are millions of people out there with the same fears ... write about it ... own it ... conquer it ... then ... show them the way ...
I'm proud of you for putting your feelings and thoughts out there ...
I'll be thinking about you ... and sending peace and love your way ... you "Got This" ...
I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face ... I'll be thinking and re-thinking about this story for the rest of the ... day ? ... maybe longer ... the first line of your story pulled me in ... and as much as I didn't want to know what happened ... I was hooked ... so unexpected ... so real ... so frightening ... life can throw a curve ball at anytime ... we take so many things for granted ...
I've been there ... I am recovering from a spinal injury and had a time where I was paralyzed from my chest down ... I'm presently divorcing "my Mavis" ... he didn't want to take care of me ...
Good day to you Nick !!! I feel like I'm sitting having a pint with you ... telling old stories ... I absolutely loved this ... wouldn't change a word of it ... I was right there with you "boys" ... I felt the excitement ... I watched the bottle soar into space and disappear ... astonished I was ...
Dear Iris ... YES !!! YES YES AND YES !!! I think you covered all bases ... being able to afford to just live and be a responsible adult ... wanting to be with your children ... not being able to fix a bad relationship ...
I agree with everything you said ... its not right ... and the only people who come out on top in court are the lawyers ...
Its not right ...
Thank you for putting this out there ... I hope more people read and re-read this ...
Hello Tin .... I was happy to read your post and would like to offer some suggestions ... from my heart ...
Its a very interesting topic ... generational gaps ... the "olden days vs smart phone days" ...
Might I suggest delving deeper into the contrasts of generations ... I am from the "olden days" ... even before television ... (can you imagine) ... my early memories are of listening to hockey games on the radio ... the generation before me ... had no electrical refrigeration ... the "Ice Man" would deliver blocks of ice to my grandmothers house ... there are many contrasts to draw from ... from your parents generation ... to your grandmothers generation ... could you input some of your family's way of life before everything became so "convenient" ... do you have memories of your grandparents? or stories about them?
Bringing your readers back to the present moment is a great idea in the next paragraph ... the enormity of information at our voice command ... or fingertips ... and the pros and cons of that ... might fill out that paragraph nicely ... do you have any personal experiences ... good or bad ... with being on the internet ... maybe offer some personal opinions of having so much access to information ... and how this affects your generation ... ex: Do you take it for granted ... How would you feel if it disappeared over night ... no internet ... your personal opinions would be great here ... maybe offer a summary of your Fears and Cheers ... LOL ...
I love your last paragraph ... encouraging people to get out and see the world ... learn a new language ... really excellent topic ... however ... could I offer the suggestion that your thoughts about this topic would make a great new posting ... a new take on putting your phone down ... and going out into the world to see and experience things yourself ... this would be an awesome topic for your readers in your next post ...
Thank you for posting your story ... its very interesting and thought provoking ... I'll be thinking about your topics for the rest of my day !!! LOL ..
Hey ... not sure what to call you ... I am TORE ME UP now ... I read it fast ... and then I read it slowly ... and then I re-read it again ... and the gash in my heart opened wider ... I'm all teary eyed and broken now ... LOL ...
This is BRILLIANTLY written ... so raw ... so relatable ... undeniably unforgettable ... when it's published ... I'd like a copy of the book ...
Hey Lauren !! This is a very interesting first draft ... I like the location .... "Sons of Pitches" ... LOL ... I might play with this location name ... perhaps it could be a "baseball themed" hangout ... where local high school jocks hang out ... doing what dumb boys do at that age ... "posing, bragging, just basically being awkward ... that sort of thing) ....
Duke ... needs a character flaw of some sort ... maybe he is the guy with a really bad haircut ... or talks with a lisp ... or an accent ... maybe he is clumsy all the time ... always dropping drinks and things on people ... he just needs something to make him stand out a little ...
Now ... the protagonist (your main character) ... she needs some work ... she needs to be interesting right from the start ... she seems too timid for such a good beginning paragraph ... could I suggest making her character a little "stronger' ... what characteristics could she have ... in the location where she is .. she could be much more mature and/or smarter than the "boys" that are there ... she could have interesting features ... flawless skin ... emerald eyes ... she could be "wicked smart" ... and maybe not popular because she is so smart ... she could have a killer vocabulary ... LOL ... just a few suggestions ...
Overall ... a great start !!! I can't wait to see where you take this story ... there are so many possibilities ... I'll be watching for your story to continue ...
Hope this was helpful ... keep up the great work !!!
I'm so happy to give you some feedback ... HOLY CRAP ... this is SO GOOD !!! Things I love about this ... we don't know where this takes place - just a "bar" ... it could be anywhere ... we don't really know anything at all about the protagonist ... we think we know about the "woman" .. but we don't ... the "voice" itself becomes a character ... LOVE THAT ... and yet ... the story line is capturing, engrossing ... it tells a huge story in a very small space ...
GREAT JOB capturing my attention at the very beginning ... I was pulled into the story immediately ...
I can't wait to read where you take this ... the possibilities are intriguing ... exciting ... dangerous ...
Hey Jes ... I just can't read this and not reach out to you ... this post is absolutely heart wrenching ... and I want to reassure you that LIFE GETS BETTER !!!! I promise you it does !!! I'm assuming that you are a young adult ... or ... almost "adulting" ... so I think I should start there ... let me get this out first ... being a Young Adult Sucks ... it just does ... its the transition period that life takes you through before you become ... well ... YOU ... how could you possibly know what and how your life is going to be like ... you are standing on the threshold right now ... of a transition ...
Can I encourage you to re-think ... YOU ... first ... you have got to give yourself some slack ... please don't be so hard on yourself ... I'm so sure that you are probably awesome ... smart ... funny ... capable ... kind ... forgiving ... empathetic ... educated ... go ahead ... admit it ... I'll give you a minute to admit to all of those things ... (I'll just wait right here ... ... ...)
Feel better yet ? I still have some things to say ... I think that you can't see past what is in your face right now ... your life isn't always going to be like this ... you are going to be like 30 one day ... do you think that you will be in the same place as you are right now ... aaahhh ... NO ... you will have been out in the world ... testing out your wings ... making some good decisions for yourself ... and some not good decisions ... that's what it is to be "human" ... that's why we are here ... to experience being HUMAN ... with all of our perfect imperfections (if I could borrow a line from an awesome song) ... all this stuff that is in your face right now ... it doesn't matter ... you will leave all of that stuff behind when its time for you to choose your own life ... so ... lean away from all the drama in your house ... with your parental units ... LOL ... your brother ... your pretend friends ... and start to plan what kind of life you want ... what do you WANT ? Where to you want to live ... what do you want to do ? Successful people make plans ... and then they work their plans ... so ... write me back ... and tell me ... where would you travel to ... who would you go with ... where are you going to work ... what are you going to do ... obviously you are wicked smart ... don't tell me otherwise ... tell me what you are going to do with your wicked smart brain ... are you going to make a difference in the world ? what kind of life do you want ?
Dear Lucky Lady ... I can't read this without making some comments ... and I hope you take them in a way that is meant to be helpful ... and maybe will help you look at things in a different way ...
I can relate to you ... I'm a senior ... getting ready to end my marriage ... and it's frightening .. so ... I can relate to you ... I'll be 65 in April so I have a few years on me ... and I have become a different person as I've aged ... I look at the world and the people around me in a different way now ...
Your cousin was a good friend to you ... she told you the truth ... and made you say the words out loud ... "My mom is sick" ... she was being a great friend to you ...
There are two kinds of people in the world ... GIVERS and TAKERS ... I've made a conscience effort to eliminate TAKERS from my life ... and I don't mean that in an unkind way ... I just want two way relationships now ... and is it possible that when you hide away from your friends and your family ... stressing on life and kids and work ... that you are creating One Way Relationships ... you expressed how terrible you felt when your cousin shunned you ... is it possible your cousin is wanting an honest Two Way relationship with you ... with everyone these days living on their cell phones ... it isn't hard to call or text ... it takes a minute to let someone know you are thinking about them ... or ... are "here" for them ...
I'm sure you don't mean to check out on your family ... but you do ... your family is waiting and wanting to have that connection with you ... you should trust them ...
You don't need an excuse to mend things with your cousin ... you need to take ownership ... maybe you could call her and say ... "I suck at communicating with you ... and I'm so sorry ... but I'm working on being a better person ... and I want to be there for you ..."
I so relate to you ... fixing things with family is difficult ... but so worth it !!!
I hope I didn't offend you ... I just wanted to offer some comments ... Life is so very precious the older you get ... there comes a time, when you run out of time ...
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings ... I meant this to be helpful ...
Lyrick
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lyrick
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:37am on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
