ok first off, I realize this is a rap and Ive studied rap among other genres. rap was where I started. you need to focus on your rhyme sceme alot more and play with words more. rap is about multiple syallable words, so try and expand your vocab. secondly, this would be way off beat my friend, some lines are too long and some are too short.. it's like you'd be messing with your flow in mid flow and that just doesnt work. I dont think a producer would wanna work with something like this to be honest.
let me state, for a lyric, this is a bit too long. lyrics are normally 3-5 verses with the chorus showing up probably 3 times. and now on the content. I saw you repeated some content that wasnt the chorus, you really shouldnt do that which makes me wonder, did you run out of content to write? I know whats like to go through a rough life. but by the content maybe shes more than just broken, just a thought? this was good just need to shorten it a bit.
wow this very touching. I could feel your emotions in this piece. It was well written and I could picture the whole thing like it had happened to me. you did what you were suppose to do, attract and pull in your audience in the first couple of lines, wow, just wow. brilliance here. awesome job.
I liked this story. Something about this guy had me reading until the end. I liked every aspect of the story except for the ending of it only because I think you could've ended it differently or a lot better than what you actually did. it was good otherwise though.
hey there. how are you doing today? you should come by my portfolio and check out my work and give me some feedback! I'll also do the same for you too. I'm new here too, just learning this site at this point and time right now. really good site I think, I really enjoy it.
this brought tears to my eyes. I really enjoy reading poems about lost ones/children. This one was really good, the imagery you used, went well with every aspect of this poem. I could just picture a wonder world with your words. that's how good your words were. well done.
seem's like events in your life are taking a turn for the better or the worst? I'm not quite sure. Only you would know the answer to that one. I think if you come to the conclusion and find yourself, you will answer that question once and for all. keep it up.
correct me if I'm but either you cheated or she cheated and your trying to apologize and get the relationship back to what it was. Also he meter was way off at so many points too. Try and fix that and I'm sure this song could be proper and better. Just a thought.
at first you talked about a panther. I assumed that was a metaphor for someone protecting you. than later you go on and someone is rubbing against you and what not. Beautiful piece for sure. keep on writing.I enjoyed this one for sure. well done mate.
I feel you on this one. Greatly written with such emotion behind it too. Sometime's the best poems come from our true past or present events and we bring them to life. I think that's what you have done here. I enjoyed reading this one, it was on point.
first off, the biggest problem I see is the meter. It's way off at some points. I think you need to fix it. Otherwise I enjoyed reading the content of the lyric and the meaning and story line behind it. Keep writing and you'll get the hang of it even more.
pretty good, had to read it a couple of times. Felt like it was about someone who was troubled and lost and needed some comfort from someone or anyone that was possible. Well that's the feeling I got from it. I enjoyed reading this one though. Excellent piece.
too many verses between your choruses, should be 1 or 2, not 3. and verses should be 4 or 8 lines. Just giving you some tips so you can grow as a writer and become better. I can tell the lyric is about finding someone or something that is missing in one's life. good job otherwise than what I mentioned.
ok first things first. All your "verses" have to have the same amount of lines in them. As I noticed, you went "4" "4" 6". you should've went "4" "4" "4" or "8" "8" "8". Songs are usually 4 lines of 5 or 6 verses or 8 lines of 3 verses. The content in this is also very basic too. I think you have a lot of work to do here. Keep at it.
awesome! brilliant lyric for sure dude! I really enjoyed reading this one. It was on point, everything rhymed where it was suppose too. I can tell you were really into this girl you were talking about. hope all went well with her. Was this song about a girl you met at a dance or a club?
wow, this was very emotional and very moving too. Was this about you? I can tell this was about someone with a very troubling past and needed someone to help them out of it or they would've just ended it. i had a terrible past myself and almost ended it as well. Just keep going and things will get better.
I'm gay myself so I really do appreciate you sharing this piece with us. Not many people know much on this subject and are ignorant on it too and just really don't care or just don't want to know anything because they it's completely wrong. which in that case, I think they are wrong.
This was pretty original. I've never seen a lyric about kite's before so I must so kudo's to you on this for that. But there was 1 problem that needs to be fixed though.if you put this to music, it wouldn't work, cause the words are off the meter, what i mean is, that some of the lines are too long so if you can shorten them, that would be great.
you know, this prose puts questions through my head. why exactly are we here? why do we even have life? you know, it's very hard for us to describe or even come to terms with. is there really gods and were we created from sand and dirt or was it evolution and we evolved from prime apes? makes me wonder. good writing.
I liked this poem but there was one problem with it though. Your rhyming scheme. It was too basic for me. You should try coming up with more advanced rhymes than what you got going on here. If you get better rhymes, i think this poem would be perfect.
your story line was on point and you are very creative as well. I did enjoy reading this and I must give you props on this. A story like this must deserve some respect and some recognition as well. you got some true talent in writing, that's for sure.
I enjoy reading lyrics about our heroes. but in this song, you go off meter sometimes and for it to flow correctly, you need it to be on point throughout the whole song. Besides the meter, this song was really good and on point as well. I think you got something here. Well done.
I really enjoyed reading this poem of yours. except I gotta problem with it. Try using more advanced rhyming schemes. what you used as very basic. try something like this:
pull me
roaming
rhymes like that, more advanced.just try it out and it may come natural to you.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lyricist_85
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:49pm on Nov 04, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
