\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lynch13
Review Requests: OFF
39 Public Reviews Given
48 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Dr. Dizzie-

Outstanding. This story captures three distinct worlds- the boy’s room, the war field, and the place where the boy-God meets the story. You haven’t named this child, nor described him, yet the reader cannot help but enjoy him. Of course, he’s a writer, so many on writing.com would probably sympathize. Thank you for posting this.

The following suggestions are yours to take or ignore, as you see fit.

I suggest avoiding the past perfect tense. Look through the piece for the use of the words “had” or “have” and see if you can omit them without losing meaning. I have pointed out a few places where using a more confident verb works better, with no loss of meaning.

Night air swayed into the opened door, through the house, and whispered softly to all its inhabitants. Excellent image!

One boy had listened, but took little interest; shivering slightly… Change the semi-colon to a comma.

Silence…the sweet sound of silence filled the air, and time seemed to have stood stand still to the boy.

His dark blue eyes focused on the paper before him as he slowly brought it to life with his words.
What did he bring to life? This sentence claims he brings the paper to life? That’s odd. If he were drawing that might make more sense. Instead of “it,” perhaps he brought “the world” to life? But not the paper.

Tap…tap…tap. The God of that world lightly tapped his hand, following to rhythmic beat of the imaginary scene. Fabulous!

With the flick of his hand, and the curve of the pencil tip, the fate of the battle was sealed. The “curve of the pencil tip” is an image I stumbled over. What kind of pencil has a curved tip? Do you intend to invoke the “motion” of the tip? That makes more sense. Can you find a more precise adjective?

Cadence beating…never stopping, never slowing. Be careful of “never.” His cadence is going to be stopped when Dad enters, just a few paragraphs from now. “…not stopping, not slowing” works too.

… sparks were birthed from a few of the collisions. “birthed from” is off. Usually when we use the word “birthed” it is a long, drawn-out painful process (like writing, or birthing, a novel). Can you come up with a better verb? One that, preferably, does not need the passive voice (were). You use “birthing” in the same context later, which makes it odd AND repetitive. Additionally, “a few of” sounds so tentative. Proclaim it. If you don’t want to suggest that every meeting of swords blew sparks, you could use “various” rather than “a few of."

Those of the Northern Skyland, however, took this action of desperation as hostile. Unwilling to believe the Westward Desert peoples’ reasons, they assumed the worst; new sentence the Temple of their God of Agriculture, Parthenthios, dwelled in the very heart of their region.

They believed that they had come to claim the Temple and pervert it with their own “false gods”.
Pronoun problem. “They” is one group at first. Three words later, “they” is the other group. You need to clearly identify each group. The next sentence starts with “they” also.

…everything he wished he could be.
…everything the boy was.

My absolute favorite part. I LOVE this kid!

Tat, tat, rat-a-tat-tat…lives were claimed one by one, man after man…gone. The boy continued tapping his hand to the rhythm… The tapping is so very good. “Tat, tat, rat-a-tat” doesn’t sound like tapping. It sounds like typing. The first time he taps you write, “Tap…tap…tap.” I suggest you keep the tapping. When I read “Tat, tat….” I went back to see if I had missed the mention of a typewriter (as I remembered he had no computer).

They ran forward and screamed to the top of their lungs, some silently prayed. This should be two sentences. And isn’t it “at” the top of their lungs?

…the god of the world continued writing… Earlier you capitalized God. Here, you use lower case. While I prefer the capitalization, I don’t think it matters, but it should be consistent.

The tempo quickening the night air’s wind whispering more and more, louder and louder. Is this two separate sentences or is the tempo making the night air whisper more, as this sentence suggests? I suggest a new sentence at “…quickening. The night air’s….”

. And just as they drew the bow…

“Son, lights out,” he heard. I suggest omitting “he heard.” I think it is stronger if the words come from nowhere. The lad immediately dropped his pencil; the rhythm was lost. He turned his head slowly and stared at the man in the doorway. How awesome that you don’t name the man here, as if he’s a stranger to the boy, which he effectively is at this moment.

The boy’s father smiled. “It’s time for bed, new sentence here lights out,” he repeated.

The boy sighed and stood up and he stretched a bit before walking over to the door. He rested a finger on the light switch, ready to press downward. “Night Dad,” he said after turning out the light. It is odd that he gets up and walks over to the door to turn off the light. His dad is RIGHT THERE, and would just need to reach a few inches to turn it off. The boy needs a reason to go to the door. Maybe to hug his dad or something? If not, then let the dad turn off the light.

“Night son,” Comma after “Night,” then, capitalize “Son” here, as it’s used as a proper noun his father replied as he closed the door. A few moments passed when he found his way to his bed after stumbling every now and again. Pronouns again. Who is the “he” who closed the door? Dad? Then, who is the “he” who found his way to his bed? I was picturing Dad walking back to his own bedroom. Let us know who “he” is in each instance.

He could’t help but think about his story, about the war. typo: could’t = couldn’t

The boy laid and pondered, who deserves to win more? I love that you end with this question. I find myself thinking about the answer!

Thank you so much for sharing this story.

Blessings,

MadApple
2
2
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Daniel:

What happened to “Daniel Blacke” is horrifying. I am assuming it is autobiographical, as you have titled it with your own name. Good for you for shining light on the darkness. While it is healing to write painful stories, there are other benefits. The feedback you receive will likely prove that you are not alone with your pain or memories. It is shocking how many terrible parents there are in the world. Likewise, those who have suffered and read this know that they are also not alone. Finally, and I hope you are not offended by this very practical point, memoirs are best if they’re painful. Publishers rarely publish memoirs that are pain-free. Autobiographies, yes. But unless you run for President, or are in some other way a celebrity or politician, no one publishes your autobiography.

I would imagine that, having read your story, some people would shy away from reviewing it in detail. I am not one of them. I know that is not only important to tell your story, but to tell it well. To that end I have listed some suggestions. Use those you like and leave the rest.

To fully understand the motivations that surround this event a good deal of back-story will need to be revealed. I will be as short and concise as I can... You could omit all of this. It’s unnecessary. Instead of saying what you are going to do, just do it.

I was the third of four children…… My older brother and sister…. I know you want to give us the back-story, and you should. But first, start your story strong. Grab your readers with an image. Maybe a quick snapshot picture of you or somewhere that you were. Something like, “The bruises healed quickly when I was four years-old, which was a blessing and a curse. They didn’t hurt for long, but they healed so quickly no one ever saw them. No one who could help me, anyway.” You get the idea. Then just jump in with “I was the third of four children…”

Time and time again we were evicted from our current home, often in the process losing everything we had but the clothes on our backs. Omit “current” and change “home” to “homes.” Also, omit “in the process.” The reader understands the cause/effect relationship.

Add to this a steady stream of my motherapostrophes boyfriends, who ranged from the borderline-decent to the physically and/or sexually abusive;Start a new sentence here. my Mom's own issues with sanity, drugs, gambling, abuse and her propensity to tell us constantly about how much better her life would be without us kids, how much she was giving up to keep us together, and her just dumping on us all the time about the bills and how broke we were; no semi-colon here. Just a comma abject hunger of a nature most Americans cannot imagine; Start a new sentence here. Omit “and.” and you can begin to get a feel for how quickly my brother, sisters and I grew up. We were exposed to situations and issues before starting kindergarten that most people never have to face until they are adults, if ever. You can omit “until they are adults, if ever.” I think it is safe to say that most people don’t face this stuff.

Going to my father's parents apostrophe after the s in parents house and my love of music. I had the ability to disappear into those soulfully sad hits of the 1970's. Smokey Robinson, Lionel Richy, correct spelling: Richie The Jackson Five, Randy VanWarmer... I really could go on and on. Omit “really.” We believe you. Topping the list was my absolute favorite: Elton John. And, in particular, his song “Daniel” with it's powerfully open imagery and incredible conveyance of sadness. The only time you ever use an apostrophe in “it’s” is when it is a contraction of the words, “it is.” The possessive that you have used here needs to apostrophe – its. Also, what does “open imagery” mean? Could you use an adjective that more clearly says what you mean?

In my young mindapostrophes eye, I was Daniel... flying off to "Spain", where-omit this dashever that is. Anywhere but where I was, dealing with that day's madness. It was like a 'special place' were where I could be numb to whatever I needed to.

We had been together in a foster home in my very earliest memory of this life and that was right around the release date of the song. Omit “of this life.” We know you are writing about this life.

Omit this “So.” So, one day when I was five years old…

Something like 12 or 13 hours and a bus change in Kingston later … If you feel the need to tell is where the bus change is (it’s unnecessary), you need to name the state. The only Kingston I know is in Jamaica.

It's storeroom would be our home for the next couple of months and it's owner would be my Mom's latest flame.
I was 5 and my little sister was 4.
Write out all numbers to ten. “four” “five”

My mom gave us both our first beers and first cigarettes that night, sitting at the empty bar of "Choo Choo Charlieapostrophes".
She had long ago given up trying to make us look presentable and I really have to wonder if she ever gave a single thought to how things looked.
Later in this piece – and more than once – you are going to strongly contradict this statement. There was no way my mother could continue to live in this small town after that” and “Mom was embarrassed in front of them all. She had worked hard to overcome the gossip and negative impression of how we had arrived there and tried to become an accepted member of the community.” If, in fact, it is what other people think about her that makes her leave town later, then you need to leave this part out now. Or, you need to explain, later, why it matters to her all of a sudden. This inconsistency is too blatant to be ignored.

Across the dirt parking lot from the bar was the house of this really fabulous family. I really loved this family. It sounds like they were very important to you. I question whether this huge house, which could hold a hundred people, and this family that “spared no expense” was across the street from a dirt parking lot and a bar. Now, it might be that it was. I don’t question the veracity. I question the believability. Do you understand the difference? Either make it clear that this family isn’t rich (no rich person’s house is across from a dirt parking lot and a bar – at least, not for long) or let the house be down the street or around the corner. It’s true – make sure the reader believes it.

These people would have all manner of events at their beautiful log-cabin home and most of the town were invited, Why have you not named the family? Make up a name. If you must, put in a “names have been changed” disclaimer. You stayed overnight there. Why don’t you name them? Also, “most of the town was invited.

Well, as it turns out, their son was to fall head over heels in love with my mother. Keep this in the past tense. “as it turned out” and “fell” instead of “as it turns out” and “was to fall.”

At that point, he was the first, and only, acceptable father figure that I recall from childhood. Earlier you mentioned your father’s parents and staying at their house. Your grandfather would have been your first father figure. If he wasn’t around, or if he wasn’t acceptable, you need to say it when you first talk about your grandparents. This is inconsistent. Either way, omit “the first and.” “Only” implies “first.”

My brother had some friends in the barn behind the apartment house we lived in. This is odd. It sounds like he keeps his friends there. I suggest using “over” after “friends.”
He produced some white
spacetip matches, the kind you can strike on any rough surface, from behind a loose board in the barn wall.

Omit “Then.” It’s all happening in order. Then, he proceeded to make a very small fire …

… doing tricks at my brother
apostrophes command.

But, with everybody not gathered around it, the wind blew through and pushed my little fire right into my straw pile.

Before I knew what happened it was climbing up the wooden wall and fast turning the barn into a towering inferno.
I suggest changing “towering inferno.” It’s cliche.

I was scared. I said no. She believed me. Correct quotation marks: I said, “no.”

As the investigation got under weigh, weigh = way

She grabbed the belt, folded in half enddash to dash end in her hand, and just started swinging wild. I ran for my room. I knew that running was a dangerous thing to do and likely to make her even angrier, but that belt stung and she wasn't exactly aiming for my ass. In my room, I just got lay on my belly in my bed. She whipped me until her arm hurt too much to continue, left me and closed the door. Then she screamed at me every once in a while through the door to stop crying. Eventually I stifled it when she threatened to come in and "make me stop". About an hour later, I took one of those quivering breathesbreaths that you take after a deep, deep cry... She screamed, "I'll give you something to cry about!", no comma here kicked the door open like a psychopath with her eyes wide in pure rage. She literally ran across the room for momentum for the first hit of beating and hit me with the belt, no comma again.
Later, she returned.
comma, lower case c Calm and apparently realizing that she had gone too far.

The whole damned town heard
it or heard of it. A crowd was still lingering outside because of the fire when this all went down.

Even,
no comma my very best friends wouldn't talk to me once I was finally allowed out of the my room.
It was decided that we must now leave all these people and all these ties that everyone had been making and plans and school and literally everything that didn't fit in the car they bought to drive back home to Jersey.

I think that had more to do with her guilt then any recognition…
then = than

But the worst... lower case t The worst was my mom's boyfriend. He had to leave this dreamy little town where he grew up comman the son of the townapostrophes most beloved citizens and everybody knew and loved him.

And, go to
To go live with my mom's twin sister who rented a bi-level with her husband, three sons, my grand no space father commawith another cousin and a family friend. In we moved, all six of us, and no body was happy about it, at all.

My mom's boy
no space friend sank deep into despair as he searched for a job.
I would cry to myself about my poor little sister
apostrophes sadness at missing me so much. In reality, this was the end of the close bond of our early childhood.

My sister turned from her circular path and made a face of anger at me
show us the “face of anger” instead of telling us. “Grimaced at me” or something like that.

I had had enough and ran away as fast as I could in terror for them. “in terror for them” doesn’t work. Maybe: “terrified for them.”

As I ran from the trail in the woods that lead to the fort I could see the entire rest of my house mates standing in front of the house comma looking in the direction of where I had come from.
Looking back forward
toward the house, I noticed they had now all turn all had their attention on me.

I could see the anger contorting every one of their faces.
This image is off. EVERY single person’s face is CONTORTED? Maybe just focus on Mom.

I tried to explain as I got close to them that my older sister and cousin had lit the fire and that I tried to stop them. You don’t have to explain it here. The reader already knows.

My auntapostrophes husband,

My mother
apostrophes boyfriend slammed the door. Then, he beat me with his belt, unfolded, buckle end to me... It wasn't just a regular wire frame belt buckle, either. Don’t say what it was NOT It was one of those large ornate kind that gleamed with a chrome like shine.

Now, there was a bang on the door.

My mother
apostrophes boyfriend yelled back at him and a fist-fight ensued between them in the hall in front of the room I was in.

I lay there sobbing.
comma, lower case t Trying desperately to be quiet so as not to invoke a second round of beating.

It had been banged on the ground after I was thrown in the air and while my mom was beating me in the front yard and while I was being dragged in the house.
Put the head injuries where they belong chronologically in the story so that you don’t have to backtrack here.

Wow. It’s a brutal story. The poem or lyrics at the end are strong. Make it just right, in tribute to your history and in order that others might be just as brave.

Blessings,

MadApple
3
3
Review of Platonic Whisper.  Open in new Window.
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Cord:

Thank you for this short story. Your imagery and language are strong. I particularly appreciated that he never says that she "haunts" him, though she does haunt the ground where she lies. Where one would usually use "haunted," you use "relationship." It's a welcome change. Interesting, also, that he never knew here when she was alive, and that is the precise reason she stays with him. Again, the opposite of what many authors would do. Thank you for this unique piece.

Following are my suggestions. Please use those you like and ignore the rest.

The lungs that I assumed were still in her chest had long since ceased. This line is off. The tone is different from the rest of the piece. The word "tomb" in the previous sentence tells us she is dead. This sentence tells us that, too, but awkwardly. "...I assumed were still..." is particularly odd. It hints at murder, and that's okay. But the strength of this story is that she is dead and that the method of her death is a mystery - he spends the rest of his life making it up (as well as inventing and wondering at her life). These words take us out of the experience of him seeing her and place us in the circumstances (not the fact) of her death.

The waves licked at the skin that slowly began to peek its way out from the plants that had entangled themselves around her limbs. The phrase "slowly began to peek" is a description of something that happens over time. It is not consistent with the idea that he is seeing her for a fleeting moment. In one place, you write "the seconds" in another, "those few seconds." "slowly began to peek" takes longer than a few seconds.

Her non-too-elegant position quickly suggested... non-too = none-too *Bullet* "quickly" takes time. But a position doesn't take time to suggest. It may take time for him to understand the meaning of the position, but the position is frozen in time. I suggest changing "quickly" to "immediately."

I love "the moon's borrowed light." Did you know that "borrowed light" is also used in a solemn poem by John Newton as well as in a Christian hymn? I can't remember the name of the hymn. I appreciate the allusion to a "greater power" in this piece about death. And if you didn't intend it, well, that's cool, too. I'm not entirely sure about the colors it casts. The problem might be the verb, "casts." This suggests that the light shing from the moon is all of these different colors, but maybe that's not what you intend. I assumed you are saying that the light illuminates those colors in the water, the plants, her body, but "casts" doesn't say that. "Casts" suggests those colors originate at the moon.

From above, it was difficult to decide whether I think "determine" is a better word, here, than "decide." Especially as "decide" suggests that there are only those two options. She also could have been dragged and dumped there (from where he is standing, even). Also, the option "She had always been there" is something he might imagine, but not "decide."

white capped waves = white-capped waves

It wasn't until my mind once again began to click click, in tune with the tide, that her death, her long lost life, affected me. This imagery "click, click" seems to be more in tune with a clock (seconds) than the tides (every 6 hours, or so). "...in tune with the waves" works better, though I know you've used "waves" already. Tides happen far apart in time, and don't mesh with "click click."

In those few seconds, a platonic relationship was born. Why specify "platonic" here? While "platonic" can mean non-sexual (and you certainly don't want the reader to think he... ), "platonic" defines a two-way relationship. And this relationship is entirely one-sided, as you've mentioned in your description. You need a word for "one-sided" not a word for "non-sexual."

I dragged the memory through my years, eating the concept and duplicating the picture in the only mildly intriguing fragment of my existence. Strong use of language. I love it.

The pencil sketches, oil paintings and charcoal drawings neatly litter my attic home, there to be found, when I, myself, do, in fact, die. Okay, commas. That said, I think the obvious over-use of commas really works here. It's a stilted thought. It seems to grind the sentence to a halt. While Grammar-Me struggles with 7 commas in a 23 word sentence, Reader-Me thinks it works. (And Sane-Me thinks it's crazy to refer to yourself in third person using different names, so I'll stop.)

But it will be a much simpler death, than hers. No comma after "death." This time it really doesn't belong there.

Less inspiring, less poetic. This is a fragment, and it works. I say go for it. Make it two sentences. Send the message home. It would be more inspiring. More poetic.

Thanks for this. Keep it coming.

Blessings,

MadApple
4
4
Review of On the Grill  Open in new Window.
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Joy:

I found this piece using the “random read” tool, and I’m glad I did! Creepy! Living next to this guy would be a good weight-loss program. *Smile*

As I begin this review I will confess to being a little intimidated by your “Senior Moderator” status! I notice by the item number that it’s been posted for a very long time and maybe it’s not a piece you are focused on any longer. But I believe that nothing is random, not even the “random read” tool. So, here are my suggestions, which you can use or ignore as you see fit.

Crimson, violet, and blue embers flickered and shimmered I’m not sure what is burning in the grill, but charcoal and wood burn yellow and white. While the alcohol might flame blue, that would last for a few seconds, at most. Copper, among other things, burns blue. This image, while striking, is a confusing beginning. I kept waiting to find out what was in the grill.

"Don't suffer with hope, Adele," he said, Why does he say this? How does her puzzled stare convey “suffering with hope?” Does she hope he’ll share the whiskey? I don’t think the hope has anything to do with the meat, because he’s talking about the liquor.

Flames shot up, sparkling around the trees like a fourth of July sky, While I like the Fourth – which should be capitalized, by the way, of July sky image, this reads as if the flames reached around the trees. That would be a 20-foot tall fire, by my imagination. I have to use my imagination because that’s all the information you give. Maybe the light of the fire reflected off the trees?

I really like the image of the meat in the fire pulsating like a living thing. Yuck.

I turned around to see a svelte figure with a white turban. Is she holding the turban in her hands? Wearing it? You haven’t said.

"Adele comma here meet Claire Burns,"

"Come Adele," Claire said politely. " I was surprised to hear Claire speak so politely here. She speaks in a shrilly voice, asks a question, the question is never answered, then she is polite. If you drop the shrill voice and she smiles when she speaks to Glen, this inconsistency is fixed.

You know, because of that drinking flesh meat, “drinking flesh meat” is an odd description. The meat is drinking the liquor, not the flesh. Maybe omit “meat?” Later, Claire suggests she meant to say “fresh.” “Drinking fresh meat” doesn’t make sense, either.

"Excuse me, Claire," I said, "I must be getting hard of hearing. Did you say flesh?" Is Adele elderly? Why would she suggest she is hard of hearing? When someone doesn't hear something, they usually just say, “Pardon me?” or something similar. They don’t suggest they need hearing aids. She can say, “Excuse me. Did you say ‘flesh’?” Note correct quote-within-a-quote punctuation, as well.

a bloody hand with blood dripping Use of the word blood twice in a short space is too repetitive.

"Has Claire been feeding you health food, young lady?" A baritone voice came from the back. The back of what? The back of the group? Of the gazebo? Behind Adele?

Playing with the plate in my hand, Maybe “fidgeting” would work better than playing here. Playing suggests joy. I thought of throwing a Frisbee when I read it.

it couldn't imitate the variety and the oddity of what these people wore. It was worse than a Trekkie convention. You make this bold claim and just leave it there. Instead of telling us that their clothes were odd and varied, please show us. Or leave this part out.

I don't mean just thin; I mean catwalk-model thin. The “I don’t just mean thin” line is awkward. You could leave all of this out and just write “The women were catwalk model thin.” Don’t tell us what you don’t mean.

Yes, a cliniccomma here but different than omit the the others.

Humor is his way of getting them to relax and adjust to their future.
What humor? The table of horror? You need more than this sentence to relate that this is somehow humorous. With Adele as narrator, we don’t get that.

Your skid marks are still on the floor," Jimmie sneered. This “sneer” is a visual image, but they are on the phone. You need to put the sneer in his words, or show us his attitude some other way.

I shall remember, and that Jimmie is going to get it from me real soon. I mean it. She’s mad at Jimmy? There is a deranged doctor eating his dead patients and feeding them to his soon-to-be-dead patients. What started out as a story about a woman alone with cannibals has become a story about a woman with marital problems. Her marriage is the least of her worries. The beginning is creepy and menacing. I think it would be fun to end it that way, too. Maybe she could look out the bathroom window when she hangs up the phone and notice every single person is looking at her from outside. Something like that.

Have a Happy New Year!

Blessings,

MadApple

5
5
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Clarebo-

Thank you for posting this fable. It is an interesting read. I agree that it would be a curse to be married to an indecisive man! I wonder if that is what your King is, though. He may be a malcontent. He is certainly rude - considering an alternative wife every night. But I don't think he's indecisive. I think he's decided to stay with his wife (though he enjoys spending time thinking about his option). His lack of action is his decision - his decision to stay.

Also, while this is written as a fable with simple vocabulary and a fairy tale quality, I don't believe it is a child's story (I found it by searching genre "children"). Perhaps if it was about a situation a child could relate to (i.e. not adultery), or if the moral related to all people, instead of just one gender, then it would better qualify as a children's fable. Maybe you could work toward a child's moral, lke "when you delay making decisions, you hurt those who are waiting for you to choose." While that may not be an earth-shattering moral, it is more easily understood by children. OR, call it what it is, which is a fable for adult women. I like it as a fable for adult women!

I also wonder if the option - being ruler of the greatest kingdom to be loved forever by the Sun Queen - qualifies as "cursed with a great misfortune." The only positive in staying (that you have named) is that his wife will be true to him. But if he leaves, who cares if she's true or not? He's got a new wife and a better job. It's not a very good incentive to stay. Stay - true wife. Leave - different true wife, ruler of everything (and who cares if the old wife is true or not).

Keep me posted if you decide to change it. I'm interested in what you have to write. I hope you'll use the suggestions you like - and please ignore the rest.

Blessings,

MadApple

6
6
Review of Legs  Open in new Window.
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a compelling story. You’ve done a very good job of capturing the mermaid’s perspective and communicating within the limitations of her understanding. I think this is an interesting way to tackle themes of love, communication, monogamy (or promiscuity) and loss. I am unable to restrain myself from pointing out style and grammar errors (I blame my mother), but as you requested I have pointed out some plotting inconsistencies as well. Take what you like and leave the rest.

She saw a gray tabby cat fishing for its dinner. The cat was delighted to tell the mermaid all about life on land. She spoke of her home in the cottage of a fisherman and then led the mermaid to a port so she could see the strange human creatures. Your mermaid sees the cat from the ocean, then is suddenly speaking with it, with no real change of place. Did she swim closer to shore?

The idea of humans without legs seemed to contradict everything she had ever been taught. “But how can they be humans if they don’t have legs?” Omit “seemed to” (too tentative) and change contradict to “contradicted.” It actually DID contradict what she’d been taught.

..., but when she was about to swim home for the night, she saw a woman coming towards her. She glided over the sand. … There is some pronoun confusion here. She saw the woman. She glided over the sand. You’ve got two females here, you’re going to have to explain who did what, instead of just using “she.”…. Then she lifted her strange column and uncovered a pair of long, sleek legs. Faster and faster they moved. Her thighs tightened rhythmically. Her knees bent and rose. Her calf muscles swelled and lifted under her skin that seemed to glow. Her ankles bent and flexed and lengthened; her heels never touched the sand. …. You need to mention forward motion. The motion you’ve described has no direction. Without forward movement, she is not actuall running. This could be that workout scene from Flashdance. (If you don’t know what Flashdance is, don’t tell me. I am very old!) After she had passed, the little mermaid crawled on to the beach to examine the marks that they had left behind. The Mermaid touched the footprints until they smeared and studied the image of the woman in her mind. In this sentence you need to restate the subject before the word “studied.” Without it, this sentence says that the footprints smeared and studied. Also, why do all of the women wear skirts? Is this set in the same time period as the original Little Mermaid? If not, don’t describe the "women" as wearing “columns” - as if they all do. If so, I don’t believe that a woman of that time would lift her skirts in public and go for a mad dash down the beach. In fact, she would do very, very little of what happens in this story.

On the fifth evening she finally saw the woman again. This time she got a closer look. The woman was young and yet not so. She moved with such controlled freedom, such elegant chaos that she seemed like a goddess- eternally young and eternally beautiful, full of the power of the universe. The mermaid felt her own few years to be inadequate. She felt small in such a presence. The language here is compelling and lovely, but is not communicating well. Is she young or not? “Elegant chaos” sounds good, but I have absolutely no idea what that means. Last, to me, a “few” is three, maybe four, tops. Is the mermaid four years old? Omit “few” altogether without losing meaning.

She wondered why the woman covered her body so. A lithe torso such as hers should not have been hidden behind cloth. The mermaid did not understand. The woman’s legs were magic, yes, but the rest of her was too beautiful to be contained, unless the cloth was engineered to let only a glimmer of magic show through. Then the glimmer would only be perceived as harmless beauty. If the clothing were removed the magic would overwhelm the whole world. So, should she cover herself or not? First sentence suggests she should not. Last sentence suggests she must.

The next morning the mermaid found the cat again. “You were right; the women have magical legs. I saw them a pair,?? and now I am under their spell. I want nothing in the world more than to touch her legs and have that magic for myself.”

“Keep following the shore until it becomes a rocky cliff. You have not established that she has already been following. Change “keep following” to “follow.”

That night she found the cave exactly where the cat said it would be. She entered slowly, careful not to disturb the piles of bones that lined the walls. She saw nothing living there. comma instead of period, and lower case so OR Omit so and start a new sentence with she So she called into the darkness, but she omit she received no reply. Instead she felt a cold hand on her shoulder.

Startled, she spun around, and a little scream became omit became caught in her throat. Then omit then she regained her wits and realized that the hand must belong to the creature she had come to find. You don’t need a paragraph break here.

“You have to help me,” she declared with feigned confidence.

She felt a hand on her shoulder. “You should show more respect to someone so much older and wiser than yourself,” whispered a smooth voice in her ear. She spun around She’s facing the “creature” now. She already spun around two paragraphs ago. to see a merwoman, smiling softly and sharply at the same time. Is there a difference between a mermaid and a merwoman? Is it a virginity thing? Or is a merwoman something else entirely – as she may well be with her shark-like fins. I was removed from the action of your story to ponder that. You might want to clear that up.

“I saw a land-woman with beautiful legs. I want a pair of my own so that our legs may run together.” Trouble here. Earlier you went to great length to try to describe running without using the word running. Now, she does know the word, but you haven’t told us why. If she knows the word, use it in that first beach scene. Otherwise, explain why she knows it now (The cat purred, “they’re beautiful when they run, aren’t they?” or something like that.) Also I read this run with the definition of bleed (like colors run – or bleed – together in the wash), because you’ve established that the mermaid doesn’t know the word “run” AND because legs don’t run together, people do. It’s an awkward image.

“Is that all?” She cuckled. cuckled is not a word. Cackled? Chuckled? Clucked?

The mermaid left, hoping that she could forget the land-maiden, but the magic of those legs called her back to the shore. Perhaps she went out of habit. Perhaps the land-woman’s legs really did draw her back with their spell. First she saw black hair blowing in the wind as the woman rounded a bend and ran towards her. This made me chuckle. This is all about the legs, the legs, the legs, then the black hair blowing in the wind. What hair is this? On her legs?

The mermaid could not believe that the woman was standing so close to her. She crouched behind a rock so only her eyes were showing. Not possible, unless the rock has a hole in it. Otherwise, forehead and hair would show, too. There she watched and waited, making hardly a sound. She felt as if omit “as if" she could stay there forever watching light glide over the smoothed angles of the woman’s face and the winds twist her dark hair. As the water swirled around her ankles, the mermaid wondered what the woman might be thinking. She seemed almost to be waiting for the tide to wash her away while the wind pushed her back. Who is the “she” in the last sentence? I can work it out, but I think you should make it clear. The mermaid’s yearning is enough that it COULD be her.

Was her entire body magic? Her eyes certainly were, like her legs so long and lithe. This reads as if her eyes are long and lithe, like her legs.

When the mermaid finally noticed how the man’s lips were on the woman’s mouth. fragment. There’s no verb in this sentence. Omit “when” or add a verb. Also, replace “how” with “that.”
His face twisted as if her were struggling to contain the magic she had given him. This sounds painful.

So omit so that night she returned to the cave of the witch. … She tried to be strong as her voice burned away until she tried repetitive use of the verb “tried” to scream and an alien noise can cameout of her mouth instead.

Spitting and sputtering, dragged herself onto the beach. Fragment. This sentence has no subject. Pebbles stuck in her skin. Then Omit then. You are writing this as it is happening. Anything you write is happening “then.” she collapsed, writhing, twisting, and arching her back as her tail ripped itself omit itself apart. She tried to clench her teeth and accept the pains, but her mouth contorted with every alien can you find another word? You’ve used alien before. groan. Her fingers clawed at the ground and at her own flesh until the world went black.

She searched for some view of her new legs to make her heart pound, some sign of the magic- nothing. Consider making “nothing” its own sentence. It’s stronger that way.

They seemed to beckon and tease as she crawled towards them, never quite within reach. This is awkward. I am assuming the lights are nowhere near within reach. Or has she made it to a dwelling? .

When he discovered that she could not speak, and thus he could not know her named, name he decided to call her Marina.

He took her to town and introduced her to the villagers. Can she walk now? She hasn’t learned yet, or you haven’t described it. Is he carrying her? The former mermaid She needs a name, which I thought was Marina. “The former mermaid” is clunky when used so often. walked towards her while pulling the fisherman’s sleeve.

Did she notice that Marina had no magic of her own? That’s it? They’re introduced and then… nothing. The fisherman wants them to interact, but they don’t. She has been haunted by this human. They need to interact in some way, any way. And you need to end the interaction plausibly. Also, why does the fisherman say that they would want someone to talk to? I thought that from his perspective they can’t talk.

his face appeared almost pained, almost, but not quite. This is not a description of what is, it is a description of what almost is - and so, is not. Can you find a way to describe what is?

As soon as the door closed behind her, she felt herself omit felt herself burst into the night.

There she was, again, the pronoun doesn’t work here. “She” has been the mermaid for the last few paragraphs, now it's Erynn first only a shadow, then a figure in the moonlight. Marina watched her approach the beach then pull off her shoes and break into a run. Marina frantically waded to the shore. When did she go swimming? I thought she was on the shore all along. She lifted her sopping wet gown and tried to run after her. She stumbled over the sand dunes but pulled herself up again, spitting sand. She cried out when she cut her foot on a sharp stone, but she keep kept running.

Erynn’s hands felt as soft as eel skin eel skin brings a gross sensory image to mind. except for a few calluses.

“To see if I could,” she answered with a smile, “and to see if you could. I taught myself to run the same way, sheer determination.” Every once in a while we’re going to need to be reminded whose turn it is to talk, and we need a name or description beyond “she.”

A smile slowly formed on Marina’s face as she began to realize change began to realize to realized. the truth.

There should be some indication of the passage of time. This jump from the meeting on the beach to future meetings is abrupt. The two former mermaids would sneak out to run together every night. They would hold hands and kiss each other’s cheeks. Marina had never been happier. They would tell each other stories. Marina told her how she would spend hours watching the people scurry around the dock. Change these passive verbs “would sneak” “would hold” “would spend” to active ones: snuck, held, spent. Look for the passive verb throughout your piece and replace with active wherever you can.

She enjoyed the time she spent with the fisherman. She did?!?! You’ll want to show us this somehow, as it was a surprise to learn. “Show, don’t tell” and all that.

One night Erynn told Marian how her fiance had just met and fallen in love with another woman. Erynn became so jealous and angry I thought she wanted out of the relationship. Why is she so upset? as she told the story that she threw rocks, shells, driftwood, or anything she could find in the sea. When nothing was left, Nothing is left in the sea? She’s on the beach. The sand is practically infinite. You’ll need another reason for her to stop throwing. she sank to her knees.

She knew the rhythm of her gate gait and the shape of the prints she left behind.

Marina could feel the magic flowing between them so deep inside of her that it caused her knees to buckle and her heart to rise into her throat. Unsettling imagery here. Maybe she felt her heart would rise into her throat. But it hopefully doesn’t.

Some nights they did not run or even meet, but they were always close together. Omit together. It suggests that they are never actually in separate places.

He was not really a man, although he appeared to her as one. Instead, he was a sky spirit who had been hiding his wings under a cape, and this was why he and Erynn could speak to each other. This feels contrived. You’ll need to establish the existence of sky spirits before you toss one in to explain why he can understand her. This portion needs more time. Maybe you could explain the circumstances of the Sky Spirit and Erynn meeting and introduce the mystery there. However, he did not tell Erynn this until she had taken him to meet Marina. He saw how the women held each other, kissed each other’s cheeks and whispered into each other’s ears. He saw how they ran together, and he felt the magic around them. After seeing all this, he thought it best that Erynn know the truth. This reads is if they did all of this running and whispering and kissing when Erynn brought him to meet Marina, at that one particular time.

So after replace so after with when Marina went home for the night, he stayed with Erynn. He kissed her and touched her in every way a woman loves to be kissed and touched. As a woman, I object. Not every woman loves to be kissed and touched in the same ways

“I can not stay here in your world. tell us why he can’t The day after tomorrow I must leave. Why? If you don’t explain these important plot points, they feel contrived. He can’t leave because… he can’t. And implied here is that the ONLY reason he can’t leave is that it serves your plot line.

Marine knew better, but how could she make Erynn understand? She became so frustrated that she began to throw whatever she could find in the water. This temper tantrum is reminiscent of Erynn’s earlier tantrum. Let her show her feelings some other way.

So the two hugged and went their separate ways, After that passionate, emotional argument, this sentence is a real let-down. Marina feels she has lost the love of her life, her reason for living, her soul mate – and she just hugs her and walks away.

A little mermaid peered over the edge of a rock that jutted out of the sea. She held herself so low that no one could see her unless someone were out looking for mermaids. She saw a woman with sharp, strong features. She saw a woman who ran with power, grace, and magic, a woman whose heels never touched the sand. I see the symmetry you are going for here, but the new mermaid also sees a bald woman with bloody hands and no finger tips. Maybe you should write some about the passage of time before Marina encounters the new mermaid.

I do hope I've helped. If not - delete!

Blessings,

MadApple



7
7
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Catinahat:
What a great start! I hope you'll continue with this character. As a mom of two daughters I can tell you, they would be caught up in the story by now.

I know you've only just started, but I do have some grammar and style suggestions. (I'll let you handle plot, etc. - I want to know what happens!)

In the title, your character is Dr. Nicholl. If it's Dr. Nicholls, then you need to write Dr. Nicholls' Adventures - with the apostrophe behind the s. In the story, you've written Dr. Nickolls in one instance. With a k. You'll want to be consistent.

Verb tense problem. You are sailing along (so to speak) in past tense, but have "As you move closer..." in the present tense. A couple of other instances of tense confusion. Like this one: "He had been sailing in his designer shell for three years now" is quickly followed by "and the shell he sailed in now was his latest addition." Which is happening NOW? The designer shell or the latest addition?

This is awkward: "Dr Nicholls had once said in reply to such nonsense when asked if he believed in the existence of such creatures that..." Lots and lots of phrases, confusing and too many words between "said" and what he actually said.

I LOVe the line, "but if that was the case what was the shell Dr Nicholls was sailing in." Clever! And you need a question mark instead of a period at the end of that sentence.

Keep me posted as you add to this, if you will. Fun!

Blessings,

MadApple

8
8
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Lisa (forgive me if you have already received this review - my computer is acting up!)

I really enjoyed this poem. I am facing having to reveal the truth to my girls and love that "pop" restored the illusion in the end. I think it is clever that you attempted to match the rhythm of the poem to that other, more famous poem about the night before Christmas :). With just a little more work you could have it completely the same, rhythmically speaking. In my opinion, that would add to the wittiness of the piece.

Even if you don't make that change, I hope you'll consider changing line 5. It's far too long. You have an established pattern, but it crashes to a halt with line 5.

Line 1 led me to believe this was a very different poem - frostbite is a serious medical condition. Frostbitten toes are often amputated! This word is too harsh for this delightful poem.

Line 2 is confusing. First, if you remove the prepositional phrase you are left with "a day had ridden my woes." I don't understand woes being ridden. Could be just me being dense. Second, why is there woe in the first place? This is written from the point of view of a child and they love sled riding. Finally, the two uses of the verb "to ride" are redundant when used so close together (riding had ridden).

Line 3 is written as if the tree is watching the train.

I do hope you'll continue to work on this piece. It's great fun and worth the effort.

Blessings,

MadApple
9
9
Review of Given  Open in new Window.
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Lost-
I enjoyed this poem and appreciate the wonder about nature that you obviously embrace. I think you have attempted to capture ALL of nature - ocean, plain, desert, etc. It's a big job. I like that you haven't shied away from the immensity of the task. It does, however, lead to choppiness. It's night, no, day. An ocean line - an ocean line - a desert line - back to the water (inlet) - now the plains, etc. You also go back and forth through seasons, but don't mention all of them. I think this is easily smoothed out.
In my opinion, the constant exclamations detract from the poem. I really comprehend that this poem is about being excited about miraculous nature. I question the use of exclamation points to achieve that effect. You have done it well with the words, you don't need the excessive punctuation. Also, if every line has an exclamation point, it feels like you're just yelling. There's no rhythm in that. Also, some of the lines don't lend themselves to exclaiming. One line in particular that reads better as a whisper - almost a prayer - is "...may you and I turn around one day and show grace." The ! detracts from the gravity of that powerful line.
Grammar & Style notes - You need an "s" after snowflake(s) fall. (Subject / verb agreement)
This line, also "soft animal imprints mark the new fallen snow, scurrying for their last easy meal" suggests that it is the imprints on the snow that are scurrying.
I do hope you will tweak this loving homage. Thank you for posting.
10
10
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi sliceablekitty:

First impression: I like it. It's interesting. The mundane vs. insane contrast is good. I'm hooked and am curious as to what happens next. I've added it to my favorites to make sure I don't miss out on what you add.

That said, here's where I find room for improvement. My opinion only. Take what you like and leave the rest.

The first sentence threw me off. I wasn't sure if it's the morning being objected to or the fact that he/she's waking up. (I'll assume "he" for the sake of ease.) It's not clear why he usually doesn't wake up in the morning (before 8 days ago). I would assume a gardener would keep early hours (my landscaper does, anyway).
Another contradiction is the later use of the word "revel" when describing his feelings about mornings. I realize it's about the sameness, not the actual morning, but "revel" is too strong a positive word when you have used so much negative description about how he feels about morning. Maybe the sameness could be the one redeeming trait or the single reason to get up at all. Here: I know that I will leave those comforts you refer to the sameness as "comforts" in the plural. I would think the sameness is a comfort, singular.

Some repetition here: Sometimes, the difference is subtle. Or at least it starts out subtle. Those days are the worst. I start to feel comfortable. Even normal, or as close to normal as I remember. I start to feel like I did before. I begin to let my guard down and begin to relax You use "start" three times and "begin" twice, which is the same idea five times, presented two ways.

You use the present tense well and switch to past tense with the "In retrospect" paragraph. Except for the last sentence of the paragraph that starts, "More and more..." You use, "The risk was too great." Past tense doesn't fit here.

In this sentence, The young blonde from the first floor, the one who was probably moderately pretty in high school but faded fast it is the girl that fades, not her looks. I think it is understood, but could be written more clearly.

This person is tentative, stopping before every action to consider. Nothing is done quickly, then: In my rush to get out the door, I hardly noticed. I was surprised to learn that he was in a hurry. Or maybe it's shyness or fear that makes him hurry, but you haven't written it.

Intriguing! I don't know if it's the world or the character that is wacky, but I can't wait to find out.

Thanks for posting on the review forum.

Mary
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



11
11
Review of Tattoo  Open in new Window.
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi alliecat:

Congratulations! I have finally completed judging for the Mad Apple Short Fiction Contest and you have taken the first prize! I have sent your award of 40,000 GPs with this review and hope that you enjoy using them.

You have an awardicon coming your way, too. Let me know what color you would like (red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet, teal or pink) and I will purchase it as soon as possible.

Again, congratulations. And please look for the Mad Apple Short Fiction Contest #3, coming in the new year. Here are the official contest results: "Mad Apple Short Fiction Contest RESULTS"  Open in new Window. by MadApple Author Icon

Mary

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
12
12
Review of The House  Open in new Window.
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Thank you for reviewing my piece, Speeding South. In return, I humbly offer this review. These are simply my opinions and impressions, nothing more. If I write as if I am telling you what to do, it is only because I don’t want to take the time to write, “I think, maybe you might consider, perhaps…” before every sentence, although it’s true. Please take what you like and leave the rest.

You have a great start here. Good suspense. The task of making a fiction story believable is difficult enough – even more so when that story explores a supernatural topic. I particularly liked the description of the ”burly mover” making the bed. It certainly added to believability.

I complied with your request to ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes, which is incredibly difficult for me. However, this item has been in your portfolio for over two years! I suggest you either go ahead and edit it or make it private until you have the time to edit it. This great story deserves to be told well.

Some notes:

There is a believability question concerning funds. In the beginning of the story she buys the incredibly large house without a second thought. There is no mention of the cost or whether or not she can easily afford it. Also, she is quickly approved for a loan. This led me to believe that she is wealthy and money is no object (certainly not an object you mention).

Later, it seems that you need a reason for her to remain in the house, instead of walking away instantly, which is what a sane, wealthy person would do. So, all of a sudden, the cost is mentioned and surprise, she’s effectively broke.

THEN, she tells the “tree man” that she wants him to do whatever needs to be done, which is quite a lot of work. This would be incredibly expensive, thousands of dollars – much more expensive than renting an apartment for a few months.

You will need to work on this aspect to make it believable. For instance, in The Shining they can’t leave because of the weather. In Amityville Horror, they don’t leave because they’re not sure they’re really seeing what they think they’re seeing, and then the house won’t LET them get out.


As to when she decides it’s okay to live in a haunted house, as long as the spirit is benign and doesn’t hurt her – it’s a shaky premise. You mention in the same paragraph that she doesn’t believe in ghosts. To my way of thinking, the only person who would willingly live in a house haunted by a kind spirit is someone who has had some experience with the supernatural, someone who does believe in ghosts. Someone who has practiced séances or visits with a psychic regularly would more easily be comfortable with living here. You haven’t given us any reason to believe this woman would make this “it’s okay” conclusion. And you need to give us a reason, because it isn’t justifiable otherwise.

At some point, the woman figures that the spirit must be a man. That’s fine, except that the reasons she sites for her conclusion would lead ME to believe it was a WOMAN. You mention the made and turned-down bed. Yet even when she thought it was the mover she assumed his WIFE had shown him how to make the bed. You also mention the placement of the roses. Roses, yes, would be from a man, but the placement would be a more feminine quality. Perhaps it is the bedroom and romance references that lead her to believe it is a man, but you haven’t pointed that out.

Quoting here: Rick slowed and glanced at the house briefly, he turned looking me right in the eyes “There are stories that this house is haunted mam’. I aint never been in it but from what I heard you better be careful.” I was surprised at his words…
She was surprised? I don’t think she was. I would have been surprised if he HADN’T said the house was haunted.

Quoting here: I was alone again, unsure what to do now. Ricks words had scared me but this was my house now and I wouldn’t run away. She was knocked unconscious, is bleeding and has a handprint-shaped bruise on her throat. She needs a MUCH more compelling reason than this to stay.

I hope you’ll work more on this. It is good now, but has the potential to be fabulous.

Write on!
13
13
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for reviewing my piece, Speeding South. In return, I humbly offer this review. These are simply my opinions and impressions, nothing more. If I write as if I am telling you what to do, it is only because I don’t want to take the time to write, “I think, maybe you might consider, perhaps…” before every sentence, although it’s true. Please take what you like and leave the rest.

The beauty of this poem is its Truth. You have written here what so many feel. But we express our love / hate (or desire / disgust) by eating more, while you make it poetry. Well done.

"It" is overused. Unfortunately, it's also difficult to remove (you would just end up overusing the word "food"). You could change the verbs, however, if the result is not too awkward. Like this:
From the earth, it provides me with could be changed to From the earth, providing me with You used this option in stanza 3, line 2, with "keeping my secrets" instead of "it keeps my secrets"

Also, in the second stanza, this line:
With each bite taken, it envelopes me in a there is some confusion. This reads as if the food is doing the biting. This is minor - but noticable. Maybe use a subject in the first phrase instead of using "it" as the subject. For instance, "With each bit I take, it envelopes me" This way "I" is the subject, so we know "it" is not.

Thank you for this excellent piece. I'm going to send the url to a few friends who feel the same way. Write on!!!




14
14
Review of The Laundromat  Open in new Window.
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for reviewing my piece, Speeding South. In return, I humbly offer this review. These are simply my opinions and impressions, nothing more. If I write as if I am telling you what to do, it is only because I don’t want to take the time to write, “I think, maybe you might consider, perhaps…” before every sentence, although it’s true. Please take what you like and leave the rest.

You have broken some of “the rules” well. With banter this quick, all the “she said” and “said Rose” phrases would have been agonizingly repetitive. This piece flows well without them. I was never left confused as to who was talking or responding (and I am easily confused!). Usually a writer will throw in a “Sylvia said” every six or seven lines just to keep the reader on track, but in this piece that wasn’t necessary

I am assuming you are doing a dialogue exercise here and that plot and characterization were not a concern, so I’m not going to address them. (But I could if you wanted *Smile*.)

You also handled dialect well. Your characters used the same dialect throughout, with nothing so over-the-top that I had to read out loud phonetically to understand what was being said. Dialect can be tricky. Good job.

You have quite a few punctuation errors that are unrelated to dialect. I have pointed out only a few.

“Well Sylvia, I’ll tell ya, I’ll be glad to get outta this place,” There should be a period at the end of this sentence, not a comma.

“Tell me about it again, what make is it” This is a question and needs a question mark before the closing quotation marks.

The word “ain’t” has an apostrophe between the n and the t. Although many people think that ain’t ain’t a word, it is. It is slang, a colloquialism, yes. But it is a word and does have a correct spelling: ain’t

“Aint got the looks, who was voted ‘best face’ back at James Patterson? Sure as hell wasn’t you.” I think you need a question mark after “looks” in this speech. I think your intent was that she is saying, “What do you mean, ‘Ain’t got the looks?’” Right? As such, it needs a question mark. If it’s not a question, it doesn’t make sense.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t you either,” This sentence needs a period instead of a comma.

“Why not, you’s the funny one? The question is Why not? Then start a new sentence – NOT a question with You’s the funny one.

“I don’t, hey, don’t push me- fine, fine, I’ll go! I’ll be right back.” Here’s a great example of how you created this whole story with nothing but dialogue, while managing to write in action, plot and characterization, too. Excellent.

“Somebody, please, call the po-lice” I would expect an exclamation point at the end of this sentence.

This piece is SO STRONG, until I tripped over all the simple errors. Give it the attention it deserves and get it just right for a truly outstanding dialogue piece.

Write on!
15
15
Review of Bubblegum Romance  Open in new Window.
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is a great picture of this relationship. With this one short story, the reader can just picture all the other stories this couple has together. What’s so great is that you do it almost exclusively with conversation, instead of lengthy (boring) descriptive paragraphs.

As for content, I have no comments. These people are very real and consistent. They stay “in character” throughout the piece.

As for style, well, you changed the rules of quotation marks. You use only a single ‘ when a double “ is necessary. What makes it especially confusing is that you use the single ‘ quotation mark correctly, too.

For instance, in this sentence: 'Wait til I get my beer, darlin' he said. 'No rush, is there? We just got here.' You have used a single quote mark to end the quote after darlin’ At the same time, if you write darling without the g, then it is written: darlin’. So, the reader is left to try to determine if you are closing the quote or correctly spelling darlin’. In this particular sentence, it’s both, which is incorrect. Which is why there are different punctuation marks for different purposes.

Another quotation mark mistake throughout this piece is the quoted question. For instance:
'Shall I lick it, she asked? Laughing.
First, you haven’t used the ending quotation mark, which should follow the quote. Second, your question mark is in the wrong place. In a direct question, the question mark ends the QUOTE but not the sentence. (This sounds really wrong, but isn’t, I promise.) So, your sentence should be: “Shall I lick it?” she asked, laughing.
Look through your piece for more questions quoted incorrectly.

Finally, you have quite a few EXTRA quotation marks throughout and need to go through and omit them. For instance: She lowered her head and began kissing his hand slowly and humming the song at the same time.' This one on the end is unnecessary.

Minor details:

he sat down opposite her on the other side. “Opposite her” and “on the other side” have the exact same meaning. Omit one.

a hundred so and so loves so and sos. I suggest you hyphenate the so-and-sos here, for clarity’s sake.

'Ralph,' Ivy said impatiently. 'You look 30 and who's business is it how old we are?' I like you just the way you are. What's wrong with you?' who’s should be whose. Who’s = who is.

I like the end very much. It is clear that although he may want to end it, he won’t – and she knows it. But you showed us that without telling us, and that is awesome story-telling. Thank you for this piece.

Write on!


16
16
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi. I humbly offer this review. Please take what you like (if anything) and leave the rest.

You do a great job of building suspense here. You’ve got the reader very concerned for your little boy and Mindy.

You’ve got great vocabulary without sounding pompous or resorting to clichés.

Some style notes:

You change verb tenses throughout. Back and forth from present to past. For instance,
*Bullet*He hears a knock - present
*Bullet*What seemed to be a key suddenly turns - both past and present tense
*Bullet*He can hear it faintly. Though it echoed throughout the house. - present , then past *Bullet*They advanced destructively – past
You get the idea. You need to choose one verb tense and use it throughout.

I happen to be a stickler for spelling and grammar. I think these mistakes really detract from your otherwise strong writing. For me, it’s like walking along a lovely path and then tripping. For instance, and these examples are all from just the first paragraph:
*Bullet*dismiss should be dismisses
*Bullet*its his mind should be it’s his mind. It + is = it’s
*Bullet*your alone tonight should be you’re alone tonight. you + are = you’re

I keep stumbling over the fact that this boy is autistic. For one, you have to just plainly tell it – and right in the middle of the action. Those three sentences He is autistic. He has behavoural problems resulting in temper tantrums. His parents are very aware. stick out like a sore thumb (how’s that for cliché?). Also, this child’s emotions don’t read as autistic. Kissing goodnight, warm embraces shining with love are not things an autistic child would focus on. I would argue that this child is, in fact, NOT autistic.

So, what if he’s not autistic? I understand that you need some reason for his parents to think he is the one who killed Mindy. Could there be a different reason? And could you give us that reason without just laying it out there? his parents know he has temper tantrums isn’t good enough writing. You can do (you have done) better. What if at some point he worries about getting out of bed because his parents will think he’s misbehaving again?

This paragraph is rough: The two figures rush forward with their balaclavers covering their faces and necks. And gloves covered in grease and oil, and slightly frayed from the rain outside.
They advanced destructively.

Perhaps “balaclavers” is a British term, but I can’t find it in a dictionary.
And gloves… this sentence is a fragment.
I’m confused as to how the gloves being covered in grease and oil and being frayed could be caused by the rain outside.
I also cannot picture how someone would “advance destructively.” They moved forward in a destructive manner? There is probably a clearer way to say what you mean.

Also, The front door opened, but more openly than before. This doesn’t make sense. A door cannot open more openly.

You have a great imagination, great feel for storytelling. Go over your work with a fine tooth comb (or at least with spell and grammar check) so that people can see the quality of your work without tripping over what is probably carelessness caused by enthusiasm. Keep the enthusiasm, lose the carelessness.

Write on!
17
17
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Khalish:

A note to say "thank you."

I haven't written poetry since high school (over 15 years ago!) and have had no desire.

Then I read a few of your public reviews of other people's work (especially the one on Islam) and just had to check out your portfolio. I came across your ghazal poems and article and WAS INSPIRED TO WRITE POETRY.

After many fits and starts I hammered this one out and am looking to you for a review.

"My daughters"  Open in new Window. by MadApple Author Icon

I realize I took an easy road by using "my' as the rhyming word (kaafiaa) but I didn't want to strain myself too much after such a long wait between poems!

Please give me your thoughts and criticism.

And thanks, again, for the inspiration.
18
18
Review of The Hot Lie  Open in new Window.
Review by MadApple Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
You go girl! Can I read this one to my mom? I promise to give you credit.
18 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lynch13