Wow...I didn't see that coming. This is a short read with a lot happening. Very creative plot and I think this would make a wonderful, longer, more detailed story.
I liked the beginning where she is thinking about checking up on her grandfather and how you make us think she is concerned but too tired instead of giving away that she is involved. But is she really involved? I could see this story going on with the her so in love with Daryl that she pretends to take part in the death of her grandfather.
Welcome Home (E) Mary's father lowered his gaze and said, “Anthony, I have a confession to make.” #1909079 by Bikerider
I offer you these comments:
What I like:
As usual, another beautiful, heart-warming story. Your imagination never ceases to amaze me. Honestly, I liked the entire story from beginning to end and especially how you were able to seamlessly weave the injured elk in to the story. You are a very, very good story teller. Your heart is in every story.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
A very minor typo:
“No, dad!” she had shouted. “It because he doesn’t want to come between you and me.”
I believe it should read It's
It was so refreshing to read this story. I am glad I made it through this weeks newsletters and saw your story listed there. Thank you for sharing your work!
Disclaimer: These are merely my own personal thoughts. Use what you like or not at all.
MoJo
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It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
I am pleased to offer you this review on your "The Last Hope" as a judge for the "Invalid Item" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:
Good job in hooking the reader and drawing them in. It kept me reading to find out why she was out in the cold and how this story would turn end. Although subtle, I see where you interpreted the picture prompt.
Punctuation/Spelling:
Very good punctuation and spelling throughout the story. I found only one misspelled word. In this sentence:
We put him out of commision.
The misspelled word in red should be commission. Very minor and I only point it out if you wish to change it.
Comments/Suggestions:
Overall, I thought you wrote a good story that stuck to the lesson and loosly used the picture prompt.
The only thing that confused me is trying to keep up with who was talking. Was Cassie talking out loud or was she thinking something in her head? Generally, when you use italics, your character is having a thought; thinking out loud but in her head. When there is real dialoge, it is not in italics. I had to go back and read passages over again to figure out who was saying what or if they were saying anything at all.
Thank you for sharing your writing with me, and good luck in the contest ~
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
I am pleased to offer you this review on your "The Detective" as a judge for the "Invalid Item" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:
You did a very good job with creating this character. His hardened heart due to painful events in his life was softened by that of a small child. The stereotyped detective, one that showed no emotion, was changed by the loving actions of a toddler.
What I liked:
I loved how you showed the change in this character in just a few words. He is tough and guarded but you delicately worked the small child in and had me saying, "Awe, how sweet." I could feel her in my arms, nestled under my chin and smell the powdered body, too. Excellent.
Punctuation/Spelling:
There were just a few punctuation errors but nothing too glaring. I believe this sentence was a typo:
She and a couple of other young young women were over-zealous in their help.
Comments/Suggestions:
I really have no suggestions. I think you did a really good job developing this character and his relationships, showing a change in this character and how that change could possibly impact his life. Good job!
Thank you for sharing your writing with me, and good luck in the contest ~
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
What I like:
I am not a poet and don't know much about poetry, but I do know when words touch me. That said, I will not go in to the mechanics and structure of poetry since I know very little about all of that (even after taking a beginners poetry class), but I will comment on how you put together words that evoke emotion.
It is nice to see a heartwarming and positive poem because so many poems seem to dwell on the negative and dark side of life experiences. I understand those are emotions that need expressing, too, but I also think it can be balanced by looking at the good things in life as you have done here. Personally, I think some dwell on the negatives so much that their vision has been clouded, and they can no longer see the positives in their life.
It is also nice to see you have a wonderful relationship with your mother and you very eloquently express it in this poem. It is refreshing to see that your mom means so much to you and that you care for her as well.
Suggestions:
I think you have done a wonderful job of painting a picture of a relationship that means so much to you. Your words, I am certain, warmed your mothers' heart. I can not make any suggestions that would improve how you've expressed your emotions. A job well done!
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
The only thing that I saw, and it in no way detracts from the poem, is in this sentence:
Happiness you bring to me,making sadness always flee
A space is needed between the comma and the word "making." A very minor fix.
You made be think, "Awe, how wonderful to see a daughter praise her mother." It was very nice to read your poem. Thank you for sharing your work!
Disclaimer: These are merely my own personal thoughts. Use what you like or not at all.
MoJo
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It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
What I like:
Beautiful and heartwarming. I love good Samaritan stories. It warms my heart to know that there are people out there who want to do good deeds and desire nothing in return. Your story actually reminded me of my own experience with a good Samaritan that I need to put on paper. Back in the day, I did detail it in an email to friends and family, but now that I am actively writing, I need to make it a story.
Suggestions:
I realize this is a story of an event that actually happened. That fact alone makes it a great story to work in to a fiction piece. Because there is no conflict, it can't make a whole story on its own, but I could easily see this piece as part of larger "fiction" story. After all, I think every story should have some "feel good" piece in it and this true account is certainly feel good.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There were a few minor items that caught my attention.
In this sentence, "weeks" should be either "week's" or "weeks'" and, since I am not the Grammar Queen, I am not exactly sure which one:
Late 20’s to early 30’s, the father unshaven, with a weeks worth of beard; the mother dressed very casually as you’d expect when out with the family.
The next sentence that caught my eye was:
"...the young adults were having as much fun kidding around with younger children as any one would."
I believe "anyone" should be one word.
The last one that I saw was this sentence:
"The first table was almost through with their meal’s when the second party wanted two more beers for the father and oldest son."
Meals does not need an apostrophe.
These are all minor fixes that definitely do not detract from your heartwarming story.
It's nice to be reminded of the kindness of strangers. Thank you for sharing your work!
Disclaimer: These are merely my own personal thoughts. Use what you like or not at all.
MoJo
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It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
What I like:
I realize this was for a contest entry pertaining to dialogue. I must say, you told a very good story using only dialogue. You have a told a story about life and consequences and "what would happen if." I loved how the theme of "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" ended this story, because she could have so easily just been a "mean" girl to those that had been ugly to her. But now, they have walked in her shoes and will most likely be a bit more accepting and understanding. I love life lessons!
You did capture my attention and, I must admit, when you switched to the news coverage after her mother tells her why she can't have the things others have. I thought the newscasters would be detailing a suicide due to bullying. Although sadly, I know this happens a good bit, I was happy to see you didn't go there.
Suggestions:
I would love to see this dialogue story taken a bit further and worked in to a descriptive short story. You have the bones for a very good read. This would make a good young adult story regarding bullying and turning the other cheek. Otherwise, for a contest entry that pertained to dialogue, I think you did fantastic.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There were just a couple of very minor spelling errors that in no way detracted from the heart of this story. The first is not a misspelling but when referring to the television with its abbreviation, it should be capitalized as TV. This is found in the first part of your story.
In this sentence one word is misspelled and could very well be a typo:
"Horrible!? After all the harrassment and mean stuff they do to us and you say, "that's horrible." I can't believe you! When I heard it, I was grinning ear to ear."
It should be harassment with only one "r."
I enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for sharing your work!
Disclaimer: These are merely my own personal thoughts. Use what you like or not at all.
MoJo
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It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
I am pleased to offer you this review on your "The Simple Things In Life" as a judge for the "Invalid Item" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:
Bravo dogpack saving 4premium! You took this lesson and painted quite a picture in your story. Very good! I know the picture prompts were not visible but I could imagine the prompt from your descriptions throughout the story.
What I liked:
Your use of similies, metaphors and personification was very good through out:
The memories flooded into my mind like a tsunami hitting the shore of an unsuspecting country.
and this one:
The ground held a carpet of leaves through which grass played peeick-a-boo and tickled my feet.
With this statement, you gave the grass life. Very good! (I did correct peek-a-boo as I think that is what you meant to say instead of pick-a-boo.)
You brought in words that used the senses, too. This makes the reader a part of your story, draws them and makes them want to read on.
Punctuation/Spelling:
There were, however, a number of punctuation errors and misspelled words. There were a few places where verb tense switched back and forth. A good edit will correct these. I copied/pasted your story into a MS Word document and made the corrections with track changes on so you can see what had been changed. If you are interested in seeing this, please email me and I will be happy to send it to you. I will say, however, that this piece had less errors than previous pieces so your practicing and editing is paying off.
Favorite Lines:
I would say that the line I cited above would have to be my favorite line:
The memories flooded into my mind like a tsunami hitting the shore of an unsuspecting country.
I can see and feel the memories flooding like a tsunami...I really liked how you phrased it.
Comments/Suggestions:
You have done very well with this piece. Your reading and understanding of the lesson shows. Keep practicing ~ READ, READ, READ and WRITE, WRITE, WRITE! It's the only way we improve and become a master of the craft. Anyone that wants to do anything and be at the top of their game, studied and practiced long and hard to get there. You're on the rightWRITE track!
Thank you for sharing your writing with me, and good luck in the contest ~
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
I am pleased to offer you this review on your "VERGIL'S VICTORY" as a judge for the "Invalid Item" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:
Very good. You followed the lesson of developing your character very well. You took a character that was out to prove something to others and himself and showed the reader how this character was able to overcome his lack of confidence and prevail. I think you did a good job in showing who he was and how he built up his confidence.
Punctuation/Spelling:
There were a number of places with punctuation and grammar errors but a good edit will flesh those out. One example is in this pass:
"Percy, times up! Get inside, I've got to get dressed and headed to the mountain range so I'm not late for the contest, and I need time to drop you off for your visit with Rex."
Headed should be head in this sentence. A minor typo but one that will stick out to readers.
When your character is thinking to himself in the story, it isn't necessary to put it in quotes. Quotes signify dialogue, and although this is inner dialogue, it should be italicized. This lets the reader know that your character isn't talking to someone else. These are things you learn as you go. Pick up Strunk & White's, The Elements of Style, to keep nearby for reference.
Comments/Suggestions:
I think if you added some description you could add a good deal to this story. Instead of just saying;
The mountain range was close to where Vergil lived.
you could describe the mountain range:
The snow capped peaks and jagged ridge line of Mount XXX was the view that greeted Virgil everyday he walked out his front door.
This gives the reader an image in their mind as they read and lets them know that Virgil lives nearby.
Thank you for sharing your writing with me, and good luck in the contest ~
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
I am pleased to offer you this review on your "The War is Over" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
I had completed this review on your story when I found out you were not in this class, but because I enjoyed reading it, I thought I would send it along regardless.
Followed the rules and/or prompts given:
The lesson was on characterization and you did an excellent job of introducing the reader to Barton. Unfortunately, the picture prompt is not showing up, but I am glad it wasn't there because I was able to clearly see a picture of Barton and his family while reading your story.
What I liked:
Your very first sentence and the entire first paragraph. You told me all about Barton in just those few words and it made me want to read even more. I also enjoyed the banter between the boys regarding the Indians. Details like that really add to the story.
Your storytelling is creative and captures the imagination.
Punctuation/Spelling:
The only thing that I saw, and it was very minor and sure to be a typo, was the use of a single quote at the end of the dialogue instead of a double quote:
“Do you miss it?’ Mahalia turned her face toward him so that she could see his expression and not just the sides of her bonnet.
Like I said, very minor and does not detract from the story at all.
Thank you for sharing your writing with me. ~
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
I am pleased to offer you this review on your "DREAM VOYAGE" as a judge for the "Invalid Item" . Please know these are just my thoughts and observations on your piece, and you may take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:
The Pyramid Gustav Built - Every story has a beginning, a middle and an end. In order to grab the reader and keep them reading and wanting more, other elements of story writing come in to play. Setting up the story, introducing the protagonist and antagonist and "hooking" your reader. Then you climb the pyramid offering up crisis and struggles until your character suddenly has an epiphany, a realization of what is preventing him or her from resolving their crisis/struggle. A clash between the protagonist and antagonist brings the story to climax, and the ending (denouement) occurs once the dilemma is solved.
I think you had all the pyramid elements there; they just needed some more details to really grab the reader. Perhaps dialogue between characters would more show and hook the reader making them want to know more.
Punctuation/Spelling:
There were instances here and there where commas were needed, such as:
Finally, my dream came true, and I was aboard a fine sailing ship
with a captain who had many years of experience.
Also, be careful with your verb tense. There were places where it went back and forth.
Comments/Suggestions:
Overall, your story had good bones. Maybe go over it and add some meat to the bones in the way of details (take in the senses; what did the character see, touch, hear, feel and smell). Also add dialogue between characters. This gives you a way to show your reader instead of telling your reader.
Thank you for sharing your writing with me ~
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
What I like:
I would have to copy and paste the entire story as it is what I liked. You are very, very good at describing details and painting a picture for your reader touching all of the senses. The story had really good flow from beginning to end. My favorite is the older woman/younger man story and this particular line:
There's nothing wrong with two people enjoying each other. Age shouldn't matter.
Suggestions:
None
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I found only one small typo that did not detract from the story in any way:
She bit her lip as Randy move up over her body,
I believe it should be "moved"
You always have a creative story to tell and I enjoy reading them. Another fine story here to add to the others. Thank you for sharing your work!
Disclaimer: These are merely my own personal thoughts. Use what you like or not at all.
MoJo
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It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
What I like:
I enjoyed reading this adorable story about the rearing, caring and love of Top Hat n' Tails. Your description of the miniature mule was vivid and I could see the "liver or dark mahogany spots" and the "striped hooves" description made me smile. I really liked this line:
the rest of him looked like a paint brush had dripped and waved along his body
Suggestions:
This phrase, "He was a pistol, no doubt that!" I would drop the word "that" so that it reads, "He was a pistol, no doubt!"
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
"The 56 inches tall youngster was ready for the next step." The word "inches" I believe should read just "inch"
This was a delightful read that painted a beautiful picture in my mind. Thank you for sharing your work!
Disclaimer: These are merely my own personal thoughts. Use what you like or not at all.
MoJo
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It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
So Far Gone (E) A short story written for a contest. Based on true events. #1139759 by ~WhoMe???~
I offer you these comments:
Okay, so who doesn't recognize themselves in this piece?
What I like:
I think you hit on a common trait in all of us and I kept reading to see how you dealt with it. I can't tell you how many times I have started something and stopped only to pick it up again. Bravo for being so open and honest and allowing everyone to see themselves (well, almost everyone as I am sure there is that one perfect person out there that does everything exactly right!! )
Suggestions:
None really, as I know this is a personal account. I liked your updates at the bottom too.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Nothing stuck out.
Thank you for sharing your work!
Disclaimer: These are merely my own personal thoughts. Use what you like or not at all.
MoJo
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It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
The Bakery Bonfire (ASR) Writer's Cramp Entry - 9/5/10 - The bakery with Dad's birthday cake burned down. #1705578 by Jeff
I offer you these comments:
What I like:
What a wonderful, heartwarming story with a happy ending. I liked reading it and expecting something awful to happen, waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak but it never happened. Good job as it kept me interested and reading until the very end.
Suggestions:
None here. I wouldn't change a thing.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I had to read this sentence over and over and I am still having trouble making sense out of it:
... and was either a spectacular failure or an unremarkably mediocre and just about every job I’ve ever held down.
Should it read like this?
... and was either a spectacular failure or an unremarkably mediocre and in just about every job I’ve ever held down.
I enjoyed reading this story. Thank you for sharing your work!
Disclaimer: These are merely my own personal thoughts. Use what you like or not at all.
MoJo
It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
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I offer you these comments:
First off, just let me say, "WOW!" and second, let me say, "WOW! Again!" A wonderful love story with a tragic and happy ending.
What I like:
Okay, internment camp is dark. As a reader I was thinking, "How in the world is this going to be erotic and go along with the prompt?" Well, you succeeded on both accounts. Very clever working in the "message" at the tree. And then meeting at the tree, the suspense of being caught thrown in
Suddenly, the sound of footsteps crackled in the dark. He pulled Katia tight against him and leaned into the tree trunk.
And then to finally consummate their love after all those years and an internment camp later.
I liked how the story revolved around the night he asked he to marry him and the twinkling stars in the dark sky being present then and the night they made love in the internment camp. Very good.
Looking up, she saw blue and white stars winking in the ink black sky above her, just like the night he asked her to marry him.
Your descriptions were spot on. I could see every detail you described and felt the fear when the guards were close by.
Suggestions:
None, really. When I first started reading this and thought "internment camp" I would have suggested a "brighter" place but seeing how the story evolved, the camp worked.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Only one minor typo that I could see. Fourth paragraph down, second to the last sentence:
She smoother her dark hair...
I believe it should be "smoothed."
Excellent work. I am sure that could not have been easy making a love story out of an internment camp so hats off to you for doing so. Thank you for sharing your work!
MoJo
It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
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Christmas Magic (E) It isn't really Christmas until you're smelling the Christmas trees #1740802 by breshke
I offer you these comments:
Story Strengths:
Beautifully written and very descriptive. I found myself trying to smell Christmas trees, too and with my imagination, felt I had succeeded. Our minds are very powerful indeed.
Suggestions:
I got a bit confused as to whether there was truly something wrong with her olfactory senses (a definite loss of smell) or just a young one being a little dramatic.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Nothing noted.
I enjoyed reading your story. Thank you for sharing your work!
MoJo
It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
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I offer you these comments:
Sometimes we fail to consider how content and happy we are in life. Thanks for a reminder to ask ourselves how happy we are allowing us to ponder what we need to do to be happier.
Good Job!
Story Strengths:
Suggestions:
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Thank you for sharing your work!
MoJo
It's never too late--in fiction or in life--to revise. (Nancy Thayer, author)
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Hankie, please. That was heartbreaking but a wonderful read. It is nice to read a piece where you are captivated and don't want to escape until you finish it. As a mother of a young girl who is the apple of her father's eye, I most definitely could relate.
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Followed the contests rules and/or prompts given:
