Oh my... I am not sure whether to cry or smile. The pain you must have felt having a child leave you. The forgiveness you describe is beyond anything I could ever imagine inside of myself. The saddness is very evident and yet there seems to be a peace about this peice. Very well conveyed.
I have a few suggestions when it comes to your art but as the creator feel free to do with them as you see fit.
Second stanza first line - instead of my I feel that may seems more appropriate.
Third stanza first line - cannot is one word not two
This was a very beautifully written piece, with pain evident. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future. Keep up the good work.
This piece was truly a great read... You are lost in sadness in only a few words, your heart stretches trying to comfort.
I admit having the word Pooh in quotations gave me a different idea of what to expect when I sat down to read your art, so from this readers aspect I have to say that the title is a little confusing in regards to the actual poem.
Very correct though when you say that it is unfinished yet complete. It says all that it needs to say to get a message out there yet at the same time it can go, leaving a reader wanting more.
I only have one suggestion that of course you can do with how you see fit. The second again, almost has a pause when you read it emphasizing, sadness. So you may want to consider inserting a coma in this area.
You did a great job and I look forward to reading more of you pieces in the future.
Well I am interested... So you have done your purpose in getting the readers attention.
This seems to the be the kind of story I would love to curl up with on a cold night in front of the fireplace, where I can fall into the world of imagination with no interruptions.
I do have a few suggestion which you are free to do with as you see fit. I am only one reader and in the end it is you that must be happy with your work.
Formating - a great way to keep a reader. Spaces between the paragraphs will help. Even though this was a short piece there were a couple of spots where I lost my place.
In the beginning - you have that it was written by a killer -- you dont need to write that. It is evident by the piece.
toff - is there another word that could be used. I stopped here to try and figure out what was meant (okay maybe I am just a little out to lunch here)
"Like squeezing a sponge dry." - try inserting a comma after sponge
Contraction use - This is usually kept for speech, in all other parts of your story try to refrain from using it. It does take away from the story.
Great start. I look forward to reading on. Keep up the good work.
I too have had a miscarriage (well a few) and no matter what you may think your feelings are before when it happens you find out the truth. It is devestating and I can not say that you ever really get over it.
There is a nice flow to the piece where the reader falls into your world going through the emotions with you...
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
You have obviously written this from your heart. I am sure that if people were to keep this in the back of their mind there would be a lot less issues and fights.
You did a great job and the only suggestion that I might have for you is to add some punctuation. I myself usually omit that myself and let the reader find the breaks that are comfortable for them but there is always that piece that can be so much more. This is one of them. Of course you are free to do with as you wish when it comes to my suggestions.
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
That is really sweet. The thing is I can actually hear the conversation being played. You both sitting on your laptops with either the radio playing or tv on in the background but no one really paying attention.
Almost a scene from my house some days.
Great writing, nice easy flow, with a touch of humor to lighten the mood.
Look forward to reading more in the future. Keep up the good work
When the memory haunts of us of what we have come accustomed to.... Whether it be from someone being taken from us to early in life or for any other reason this poem is easily related too.
You did a great job with this piece offering the reader visions to encourage the words to their own memories.
Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
You are specific in what you are offering. The one requesting any reviews will know what to expect when they receive their review. The link to the previous reviews is an added bonus.
You have even offered everyone a way to review their own work before sending it out. Great advice in there. Nothing telling them they are doing it wrong but rather ways to help them look at it from a different way.
I really enjoyed your piece on imagination as it was tonight my better half and I were out on our date night of fishing mud pout and just when all was quiet on the river bank I asked him what happened to those days when the clouds made pictures that fueled your imagination. I admit I have the days where he shakes his head at me and wonders where I get my ideas but for the most part those days are gone.
There is a nice flow to your art making it an easy read. The formatting also makes it very pleasant. Congratulations on a job well done keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
What a beautiful piece. You brought tears to my eyes asI could not imagine any mother having to go through such agony.
If only one could be a in so open to such loving thoughts. I know I would be selfish in such a time and find it hard to see a brighter side. I can only hope that I would have someone like you to help me. You're a special friend they are lucky to have you.
It was an easy read and the flow was nice. Keep up the good work I look forward to reading more in the future.
Brought back to my days of teenage fears and rebellion. I must say thank you though, raising teenagers now I was reminded just how difficult each passing moment can be. I an hoping that just maybe I will have that little bit more patience when our levels are tested with each other.
You did a great job. It is not easy being honest with yourself when it comes to imperfections within, are usually hard and unforgiving, but you showed a grown up attitude (for a teenage piece) without being over pompous with attitude.
Having been there, done that so to speak the only thing I can say is that all our challenges that we face is what makes us stronger both in faith and character, and by the looks of it, you are one strong individual.
Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
Great piece. A walk down memory lane. All of the great stories came rushing back to me. I admit I did have to stop a few times to get back on track as I slid away to the land of imaginary marvel.
The added touch of color to announce the literary genius work makes out that much more of the perfect piece. It is exactly the kind of piece that would grab his attention.
Good job. Keep up the good work I look forward to reading more of your art in the future. And if I were him I works let you plan the party.
Great job. I could not help but fall into rhyme with this one.
The doctor speaks for the older generation. One can not help but enjoy the piece. It flows with the same rhythm one learned as child. The use of the italics in various places was a terrific touch just giving the piece that much more of the great doctors touch.
Job well done. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
First Impressions:
As the flower itself this is very beautiful. You have captured the life of the precious flower with dignity and purpose. Job well done Favorite Part:
I like how you added the color for the rose - it seems to add that little bit more to the piece. Suggestions:
Please remember that these are the views and suggestions from only one reader and you are free to do with them as you see fit.
- have you considered changing the begining of each line from the I am or I'm I think you can add to the beauty of the poem by taking this away and leaving it with more of statements about each virtue and then when you use the last line of "I'm proud to be..." it will makes that stand out so much more
example
The day starts enthusiastically
Maturity attained as I begin to grown
I really dont want to take away from what you have envisioned I am only trying to make helpfull suggestions Overall Opinion:
Over all you did a great job. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
This is so sad. When you first start reading this you have a sense it is headed in one direction and then you thrown by the third stanza. Great job. Favorite Part:
I admit that I was drawn in by the third stanza. It brought me back to one of my favorite movies - What Dreams May Come - there is a hope that is unwritten knowing that there is always forever just not in the way we all want. You did a good job in portraying this Suggestions:
Please remember these are just the opinions and views of one reader. You are free to do with each suggestion and comment as you see fit -
- the last line though very appropriate is hard to read. The text size is too small for the rest of the piece. It takes away from it leaving the reader to think that it is not important Overall Opinion:
You did a great job. Keep up the good work as i look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
Yes this piece was showcased in the newsletter but the reason I chose to read it was my daughter was recently accepted to college, and I have been struggling with the fact that she is leaving me. I know that there are ways to keep in touch such as texting and calls but there is that little emptiness about it. As I read your piece I kept seeing little parts that related to my life. There is a real touch of being able to relate to this story. You did a great job. Favorite Part:
I like the part where the narrator is trying to figure out what is going on around him. My other half and I will sit in the coffee shop or restaurant and make up stories of what could be happening at that table. The events that had led to each situation or we try to figure out why they are out, possible anniversary etc. Suggestions:
Please be reminded that these are the views of just one person. The suggestions and comments you are free to do with as you see fit. I will try and keep my comments in order of how they appear in your story to help you follow my train of thought
- have you considered - the same eyes in which hours before - instead of the same eyes that hours before
- faraway - is one word
- Try omitting the word So - in So we drove to Bill's...
- try to avoid the use of contracted words except in speech - it takes away from your writitng a few places through out the story here is couldn't
- tabletop is one word
- couldn't - the use of contracted words
- didn't - the use of contracted words
- one-step - is a hyphenated word
- didn't the use of contracted words
- instead of either be - have you considered be either
- wasn't - use of contracted words
- after actions try inserting a comma
- didn't use of contracted words
- after in no time - try inserting a comma
- after yes insert a comma
- couldn't - use of contracted words
- don't - use of contracted words
- you've - use of contracted words
- after all the while - insert a comma
- after just then - insert a comma
- didn't - use of contracted words
- couldn't - use of contracted words
- why does not need a capital
- middle-aged - is a hyphenated word - (twice)
- couldn't - use of contracted words
- couldn't - use of contracted words
- you've - use of contracted words
- considering the narrator is thinking of his own child do you think that her mom and dad waited would sound better or even the parents
- no need for a question mark after be Overall Opinion:
You did a great job on this piece. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
This is the start of a magical tale. You really have done a great job on this piece. You have left the reader wanting to know where is this going and what is going to happen which is all part of a great prologue. Favorite Part:
I like how you made the trees seem like one of the magical creatures within your story. It gave me a better picture of what was happening Suggestions:
Please remember that these are the views of only one reader. You are free to do with each suggestion and comments as you see fit. I am going to try to keep these comments in order of your story in hopes that you will follow my train of thought
- after distance insert a comma
- after shreds change this punctuation for a semi-colon
- is rarely ever caught - try omitting the word is
- it's - the use of contracted words is not recommended except within speech it takes away from your writing ability
- but this is one battle - try omitting but this is
- instead of one fast pull - try using the word tug - it seems more descriptive as to what the character would do
- it's - the use of a contracted word again
- he lay - try using the word laid
-nowhere is one word
- instead of venerable - did you mean vulnerable Overall Opinion:
Overall I think you did a great job. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
You have a great start to your story. There are a few areas of confusion where I will address in the suggestions section of this review. YOur substance hold the reader wondering themselves what is going on. YOu want to read on so you can find out what is happening. Favorite Part:
I like the last line of this - It entices the reader to want to read on. When an author leaves a chapter or anything like it is the end of the story it makes them feel like there is no reason to go on. You have over come this. Suggestions:
First off I would like to remind you that these are the views and comments of only one reader. You are free to do with them as you see fit. I am going to try and keep my comments and suggestion in order as to your story in hopes that you will be able to follow my train of thought
- the art of formatting your piece will add much to it. Something as simple as a break or space between paragraphs (none are evident though literally there should be many)provides the break on the readers eyes making it more appealing to the reader
- "where anything goes" - have you considered using where anything is possible. It does not change your meaning but it adds to the level of your story
- "Take a look" - I would omit the take a - and just have Look around
- "You are stood" this makes no sense - but because you have changed the pretense of your verbs throughout this piece but keep comeing back to present I am going to assume that is how you want your story to read so may I suggest - As you stand
- instead of cracked - crack would be more appropriate
- "as you are stood" makes little sense - try using as you are standing
- "behind you stretches" - try using Behind you, a long corridor stretches
- "its soon departure - try using upcoming departure
- after inside insert a comma
- elderly man sat there - try sitting there to maintain your verb tenses
- "my eyes sharp green eyes" - try omitting the first eyes
- after you insert a semi-colon
- "i seem to be speaking in - may I suggest for which I speak
- its - this is a contracted word. It is not recommended that one uses contracted words as it takes away from their writing ability
- tailcoates is one word
- instead of be stopped - try have stopped
- "you take a look at what you are wearing" - try using look at what you are wearing
- its - contracted word
- you'll - contracted word
- after Once again - insert a comma
- grinds to a halt - you have used this before - try just using halts
- after disembark the train insert the word and
- after sudden insert a comma Overall Opinion:
You did a great job on this piece. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
What a great letter gram. The picture and the words match perfectly. Any true friend deserves to be thought of in this way.
One thing that I might want to suggest in the future. Is the writting is a little harder to see considering that the colors blend in so well. It might have to do with the shadows that are on the words.
You did a great job on this, keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
First Impressions:
This is beautiful. The picture included with it gives the reader a better understanding of the whole piece. Your words flow together and show great meaning. Favorite Part:
I like the way that it sounds like a Mothers day card. It has the sentiment that any mother would enjoy reading. Suggestions:
I have no suggestions at this time - your piece stands well on its own you followed the meter perfectly. Overall Opinion:
You did a great job and I look forward to reading more of your art in the futue. Keep up the good work.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
I was a little lost in how to vote for this one considering I have two that are on top of this list.
My son was in the era of the talking barney and everything he wanted was dinosaurs and the like of Barney where as my daughter got into the Tele tubbies -- both I found a little irritating. Yes they did provide entertainment for the children.
I honestly beleive that there was a conspiracy theory with Tylenol - the more we play these shows the more parents are going to buy your product...
First Impressions:
Like your mother I to feel that HATE is a strong word. I have always reminded my children and those around me that Hate is a strong word and you have to care an awful lot aobut them(in this case) in order to care enough to actually hate them. Favorite Part:
I was reminded of all the words my son tried to come up with instead of using the word hate. Suggestions:
I really do not have much suggestions for you at this time. You seem to have clearly portrayed what you wanted to say Overall Opinion:
I think you did a good job with this piece. Keep up the good work I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
First Impressions:
This is priceless. It is so suiting for anyone with a passion of writing. I know you are speaking from your own heart but it seems as if you have reached into my own soul and pulled out the words. Favorite Part:
The first two lines of the second stanza bring it home for me - they seem to be the two most discouraging things when it comes to my writing. Well that and time - When I find the time the ideas are just not there and just when I think wow this is good - someone comes by with the editing and critique that it needs. Suggestions:
This piece stands well on its own. Overall Opinion:
Amazing piece. Well done I look forward to reading more of your art in the future.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.
~Zeuxis
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/luv2mumble
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.17 seconds at 6:14pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX2.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Welcome to WDC from "
