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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/luminementis

LightinMind

Review Requests: ON

2,374 Public Reviews Given

2,374 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I try to be honest and positive. My Christian faith is an important background factor. I hate rating low but have a system that determines how I grade.

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

I'm good at...

More interested in the content of what you write than the style. Theological, political, historical, scientific, or experiential, or indeed anything that paints a vision of the future. A good grammar checker will tell you about spelling and commas.

Favorite Genres

Not entirely sure as I like most stuff. I prefer something with a soul rather than purely secular. But I like Sci-Fi, anything Christian, and also 'What-if' type speculations with plausible plots.

Least Favorite Genres

Anything that fails to look for a way out of the darkness. You can be dark, just don't wallow in it. Generally, I try to steer clear of Fantasy, and most Dark or Horror stories just make me laugh or grimace due to their ignorance of the dark side.

Favorite Item Types

I have really liked some of the heartwarming dramas I have read here particularly personal stories. Thought-provoking poems or stories are cool also though I am no expert on poetical forms.

Least Favorite Item Types

Anything that is just an affirmation of the dark side. I hate empty words. I always look for human intelligence. I try and avoid Fantasy and Horror where there is no metaphorical resonance or connection with real-world truth.

I will not review...

I mainly review at random and just see what grabs my attention. I will usually skip stuff I do not like unless it gets me riled or if it is interesting for other reasons.

Public Reviews

Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... Next

Credit this reviewer

#4785084

Review of Playing With Hot Dogs

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Sum1's In Schaumburg

. This is a Nutty November Review Raid from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Playing With Hot Dogs"

via the Super Reviewer Group List. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

It's 1979 and a naval veteran is on deployment in the West Pacific. Long deployments can be boring or stressful. But the crew finds ways to pass the time...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

Oh no, I read to the punch line. Now I have to get this image out of my head. Poor guy, he is probably traumatized for life.

You set the scene well and got me into the story to the point I was sitting in the crew's mess watching the guy come in and then working out what had just happened with the rest of the crew. Then I kind of wished I was not such a gossip and had just stayed blissfully ignorant of the prank.

Mechanical issues

No obvious errors found.

Thanks for sharing.

shared image for the November Review Raid

FORUM

Grill a Christian

(13+)
A writing contest exploring life, the universe, and God. Christian moderation-all welcome.
#2327636 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Credit this reviewer

#4785081

Review of Madame Michelle de la Lyonesse Dupont

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello, Beholden

. This is a Nutty November Review Raid from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Madame Michelle de la Lyonesse Dupont"

via the Super Reviewer Group List. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Madame Michelle de la Lyonesse Dupont is the well-named seventh wife of the lesser-titled Jean or did he give her the surname when he married her? She might be feeling a little insecure about her six predecessors. Jean is intercepted on his way to the bathroom by the younger Madam Ghost of Times long passed to tempt him to an alternate future...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

Seven wives! This aristocrat must have money to burn on all those divorces or was he a sort of Henry the Eighth Type figure? Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.

Either way, he is not the kind of man I want my daughter to marry. Why do the bad boys always get the girls, how could they be so stupid?

So apparently ghosts are in the business of marriage testing, would he leave his wife for her younger self is the ultimate test, as attraction is already guaranteed. He passes the test and the ghost proclaims him a hero for resisting the temptation but the clean-up operation on the bathroom floor might tell a different story as to the true reason he was able to resist.

This had me laughing and grimacing at the same time.

Mechanical issues

Nothing major to say here.

Thanks for sharing.

shared image for the November Review Raid

FORUM

Grill a Christian

(13+)
A writing contest exploring life, the universe, and God. Christian moderation-all welcome.
#2327636 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4784166

Review of Emily, her Elves, and the Bank

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

Hello, Jakrebs

. This is a review of "Emily, her Elves, and the Bank"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Somewhere in a bank near you, there is a brown-haired wonder of a woman called Emily. In the presence of her goodness and the freshness of her laughter boy and girl elves have made a home in the ceiling above the cubicle where she works. She has inspired a military mission by boy elves, out of Bank HQ, to perform special ops every night, fixing a broken world with acts of anonymous kindness. The girl elves work with their boys to keep them away from prying eyes and to keep them safe.

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

So this is either all about the girl and the elves that feed off her presence, or about a crush you have on a brunette bank clerk, a Mistress of Multitasking. Either way, Emily has inspired an amusing piece here by simply being herself, being good, and bringing a little joy to the lives that touch her own.

Though she might not be aware of the elven army and its supporting ladies nor indeed the affection she inspires in visitors to the bank. You describe two kingdoms hidden from human view - an army of elves intent on acts of fixing kindness and gangs of imps that ruin and destroy and are out for themselves. The elves are beloved and lovers and they love to give. The imps posture, bully and ruin and only know how to fight. Though not apparently against the elven ladies who fight for higher motives than Imps could ever grasp. If the elves live in the heavenly ceiling floating above the blessed bank brunette then maybe you imagine the imps as emerging from the hellish staff toilet or the gutter outside sometime after dark, smelling of filth.

The overflow of elvish goodness and kindness all starts with the presence and spirit of this one special lady. One wonders if you have ever spoken to her but somehow I wonder if it might be a disappointment to do so as the stories of dark and light already woven around her pure life make her far more interesting than a real person ever could be.

My views on elves have been colored by the Lord of the Rings and especially Legolas the super warrior who dances nimbly between orcs, trolls, and Mammoth-sized monsters, his sword and arrows a blur of lightning movement as he wipes out evil. But you make them small enough to be attacked by rats and for a gang of them to live in the ceiling with a host of beautiful she elves who preen like beauty queens, but who are maybe like Tauriel, the she-elf warrior in The Hobbit, underneath. Even if they are magical they all seem more like the fairies in Peter Pan to me.

This elvish 'Salvation Army' of street-wise charity workers in military gear are the good boys who should always avoid a fight because their enemies do not fight by Queensbury rules. The girls seem to know that but they will go further than their men ever would to protect the ones they love and even the Imps are scared of their MMA talents and hidden ex-CIA assassin skill sets.

This was your fantasy about a woman that seems almost too good to be true but you end by inviting the reader to say hello and to be sure not to miss her. This is strange since you are clearly under the woman's spell, though unsure as to whether to treat her like a daughter or a romantic beloved. The confusion appears to be the result of a lack of any real connection to her.

Is it naive to pretend that I am sure I could handle her magic and keep my perspective, or does that sound like someone who thinks they could take Fetanol without becoming an addict?

Mechanical issues

It was not a poem, more prose but the line gaps gave pauses and separators to thoughts and so it worked as it is.

Was not sure about the capitalization of Boy, Girl, and Elves

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4784056

Review of ruwth is writing...

for entry "~ The Apostle John Reminisces ~ "

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Hello, ruwth

. This is a review of "ruwth is writing..."

"~ The Apostle John Reminisces ~ "

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

The prayer life of John just before writing his gospel and so also the book of Revelation as he reflects on his life with Christ. Miracles and signs are spoken of in the context of a personal relationship with Christ. John misses Jesus and longs for his return. He knows that he will not live forever in this life and so he asks for guidance and blessing for his writing project.

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

Like you, I believe that John wrote John and Revelation and his epistles and that his two major works came toward the end of his life. You ground your story in the scriptural portrayal of John. John described himself as the one that Jesus loved. He never used the pronoun I in his writings about Jesus. The focus was only on Christ. Doing a summary of his works in a prayer seems appropriate as that was the focus of his life. The 'I remember', and 'I wish' style wording is probably not the way that John would have spoken though it makes him more accessible to a modern audience.

Your words lack physical context and incarnation. They seem a little abstracted from the historical context and circumstances of John's life. Two other attempts to do what you did here can be found in Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins - 'John's Story' and a lesser well-known book by Mark Summers, 'The Last Apostle.' Both can be found on Amazon. Both make personal stories out of the apostle's life and try to be true to the strongest traditions of the church and the scriptural testimony about John.

So for example church tradition suggests that Salome, John and James's mother, was the sister of Mary mother of Jesus. So they were cousins to Christ. They grew up together and yet John never speaks of that, the time that he focuses attention on in his writings, the time that is most important to his subsequent ministry is those three years when he was on a mission with Jesus with the other disciples. But as someone who grew up with Mary and Jesus and who looked after Mary until she died in Jerusalem, this was a man who knew all Jesus's stories and yet whose human experience never clouded his mind as to who Jesus was, the Logos made flesh.

John wrote his gospel in Ephesus where he spent his last days and the accounts of 1, 2 Timothy and Paul's earlier letter to the Ephesians therefore give some historical context to his ministry. This was John's center of operation in the last days of his ministry. From there he went out and ministered to the seven churches described in Revelation and many others also. There are interesting traditions relating to his interactions with a heretic called Cerinthius against whom he may have written his gospel in part to refute and in part to testify. Another tradition speaks of a gang leader whom he also rescued from his life of sin among others. Also preaching from a pot of boiling oil near the Colosseum and living to tell the tale. The two books I mentioned above try and explore that historical context giving a bit more of a backstory to the characters with whom John interacted. Being longer accounts they have more opportunity to explore John's character as a son of thunder made good, an overly ambitious apostle who wanted the throne next to Jesus who lived to gain a sober-minded view of the follies of his youth.

I value what you have written as a devotional attempt to summarize the life of the apostle and his teachings. As the only apostle to die in his bed of old age, he was the one with the most mature reflections on the nature and ministry of Christ. I find him completely next level compared to the synoptic gospels and he is ministering to Greeks, who loved their intellectualizing and their stories but John outperforms them all in a way that breaks all heresies and false religions with the power and reality of authentic testimony about the one he loved above all else. To reflect on his teaching in this way can only serve to deepen one's faith in and devotion to Jesus. The yearning to be Jesus having known him so well and then spending almost two extra lifetimes apart from him was utterly unique to John.

When you consider that the first thousand years of Christianity were very much focused on the region that John ministered to the evidence of his fruit and impact is all the more clear.

Thanks for sharing this.

Mechanical issues

I focused on the content.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4783423

Review of ruwth is writing...

Review by LightinMind

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hello ruwth

. Thank you for entering this month's contest. I was hoping for more atheists and Muslims, especially, to take the challenge but they appear to have chickened out this month. Next month's question is more focused on mobilizing those who think they have honest reasons to doubt God.

FORUM

Grill a Christian

(13+)
A writing contest exploring life, the universe, and God. Christian moderation-all welcome.
#2327636 by LightinMind

As the official Judge of this contest, I have the following comments to offer for "ruwth is writing..."

"~ God Is... ~"

Did you answer the question?

You answered the question as someone who believes in what the Bible says about the Christian God and has chosen to obey His commands despite all the challenges of this life. You suggested that it was unimaginable to talk about what it would be like not to have God in your life and especially given the things you have lived through.

Use of quotes, proof-texting or AI - could I hear your voice?

I could feel something of the pains you have endured for your faith in your written voice. There was a yearning for God also in the way that you write. You used scripture in a way that was integrated with what you had to say.

How consistent was your argument?

You said that God had proven faithful to you and was your bright light through some hard times. You made this sound like a matter of choice and that as we make these choices the value of belief becomes evident in our lives. God is presented as the Great Comforter of a person who is no stranger to suffering. He gives peace in the darkest of times.

My thoughts on the substance of what you said

Your entry was very short, did not address the dark side of unbelief, and seemed to focus on suffering as the main reason to believe in God to the point of neglecting the larger view of what a relationship with God can bring. We are to a considerable extent shaped by the experience of our spiritual journeys and can sometimes forget that our path is shared with others. It is not just our choices that matter but also how we help others along the way. A belief in the Christian God of love links our stories with a grander narrative than just our own story and brings us into an eternal relationship with the eternal, infinite, almighty Creator, Redeemer and Judge of all that is. We are part of a church visible and invisible that has impacted every aspect of human life adding purpose, hope, meaning, objectivity to the moral order, accountability and justice, value and dignity, and a grounding to reality. As with the other entry this month there was a Pelagian focus on the power and value of individual choice. It is God who saves us and we respond to the gift of His salvation by choosing to allow Him to work within us. Our choices neither make Him real nor change the reality of who He is. God is and we either believe or do not believe in all that that means.

Mechanical issues

The Bible also says [,] "God

I can{x} {/x}not imagine

Thanks again for entering.
LightinMind

"My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing"

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4780384

Review of Who Wrote the Epistle to the Hebrews?

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I found "Who Wrote the Epistle to the Hebrews?"

while browsing another topic. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Who wrote the Epistle to the Hebrews? Tradition says Paul but unlike his other books he never signed it so some say it is unknown. The author reviews the evidence and reaches her conclusion.

Commentary

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

You list the evidence for Pauline authorship as:
1) There is a strong tradition on this.
2) The reference to Timothy in 13:23
3) The language is in Paul's style and differences can be attributed to the fact he was adjusting to a Hebrew audience.

You could have included the classic "Grace be with you" closing greeting that Paul used also.

That the temple must have still existed when the letter was written makes it possible that Paul or someone else of his generation wrote this.

Your list of dissenting scholars does not include much real contrary evidence. So you do not review the evidence against Paul's authorship beyond saying that Paul does not say he is the author, and a different salutatory formula is used here.

I think we simply cannot know. You are asserting rather than demonstrating in your argument. I am happy to accept Pauline authorship of a letter he claims as his but not this one and using his Jewish audience to explain this does not satisfy his break with his normal style.

Peter was a fisherman and the text of Hebrews is far too sophisticated to have been written by him even with Mark's help.

It could be in Paul's style because it was a disciple that he trained.

Timothy had more friends than just Paul, he was indeed the leader of the church in Ephesus for a while. So this could have been written by someone else intimate with both. Or it could have been added on by Paul to a letter written by one of his disciples. By doing so he endorses the authority of the text and uses it without having written it. Either way this reference does not prove Paul wrote this.

Eusebius suggested that Paul wrote it in Hebrew and then Luke translated it into Greek. Others suggest Clement, the third pope, did the translation. Now we only have the Greek texts for this. The Greek is qualitatively superior to Paul's normal direct style.

It is clear that this text is written by a direct witness to the apostle's teachings and it is one of the most profound and inspiring texts in scripture. My theory is that it was written by a woman tutored by Paul but one who was unable to claim authorship because of her gender, which would have undermined its authority in that age. She may have changed the participles used to reflect her male-dominated world and removed a consideration of the author's gender from the receipt of the substance of the text.

Mechanical issues

Focused on the substance, but nothing stood out here.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4777750

Review of Desecration

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Sumojo

. This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

"Desecration "

was selected by personal choice for this time around. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A captivating tale of a reporter going to Bloomfield, a small town to report on an act of desecration. A grave has been broken open, but whose grave and why?...

Commentary

This was well written and you drew me into the story as I followed Emily around. You wrote a sad tale about a disfigured soldier rejected by his wife and then taking his own life and blended it with another local tragedy of four teenagers killed in a recent car crash. You wove in a Stephen King novel. The one with Annie Wilkes a mentally unstable serial killer who imprisons the victim of a car crash. I liked the way the soldier ghost appears to wonder how Emily will handle his disfigurement before repeating the folly of a century before.

It is the little details that make a story like this work. The fact she should not have drunk that coffee and then could not sleep for example. How a small town, probably catholic handles a suicide at different times.

The plot is both predictable and unpredictable which keeps the reader on his way to that supernatural encounter but which makes its character a surprise nonetheless when it comes.

I hope your stereotypical view of teenagers drinking, taking drugs, and then doing dares is an Australian thing. My teenagers would not behave like that, would they?

I wonder if a reporter would have gotten the two nights' expenses on a story like this which did not even include a murder or large enough sum of money.

Normally I stay away from the horror genre but you made this one sound real and it flowed well and even got me sympathetic to the ghost.

Mechanical issues

Focused on the content

Thanks for sharing.

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4777739

Review of Commuter

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, Lobelia is truly blessed

. This is a Raid Review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

"Commuter"

was selected by personal choice for this time around. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

The author takes a familiar path home but is surprised nonetheless by a uniquely beautiful scene. A golden setting sun combined with a rainbow radiant cloud provokes thoughts and visions.

Commentary

The colors that the Lord paints his sky with are ever-changing. There is always occasion for wonder. This poem provoked a memory of driving home while on a project in England a few years back. There was a ferocious storm raging on one side of the motorway with dark clouds and thunder and lightning. On the other side, it was glorious sunshine and there was a rainbow arch over the road. I think I must have been traveling the same speed as the storm and so the unforgettable experience lasted for a full hour. I chased the rainbow all the way home.

I liked this phrase:
rainbow-radiant cloud

Mechanical issues

You rhymed the second and last lines consistently. Variable syllable count and lack of tonal harmony - but this was a free verse.

Thanks for sharing.

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4774206

Review of Sky watching

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, pinkMauve

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Sky watching"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A woman walks through day and night watching seagulls dance in the sky above and then stars sparkling together like old friends. She thought of him, of the separating and the togetherness, his eyes sparkling as they told a bad joke or gazing upward into the cosmos. But can such things last...

Commentary

As a simple expression of yearning and fearfulness, I loved this. You took two things, stars and seagulls, that were a part of your journey and linked them with your feelings about this man. They revealed uncertainty and connection, joy, and interest but also fear and a feeling that maybe this will not last.

Stars may take billions of years to burn out but maybe love measures all things against eternity.

As you say you are not a star nor a seagull but that does not mean they cannot whisper to you and through you to us.

Mechanical issues

You used British English.

The stars sparkle in the night [,] but they are just gas. - maybe a comma here.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4774203

Review of On Reviewing Etiquette

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Valori76

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "On Reviewing Etiquette"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

This is about reviewing other people's poetry. Where's the line between allowing the soulful expression of someone's unique feelings on the world and the demand that poetry conform to certain rules e.g. relating to flow and structure?

Commentary

Interesting piece and I tend to prefer Freeverse also. Content is more important than style to me but style helps the magic reach the rest of us. Critiques of style are something like advising people on their wedding plans or on how to raise their unborn child, at the end of the day it is their wedding and their child. But maybe they will remember a single sentence of what you said and put it to good effect.

Consider this quote from Atticus for example:

Love is diving headfirst into someone else's confusion and finding that it all makes sense

There is no rhyme or rhythm but I love it and it is powerful. If I leave even a few snippets of wisdom, like this, in the poems I write, I will die a happy man.

Mechanical issues

Focused on the content, wanting to hear your soul speak

But generally, numbers under twenty are written out.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4774200

Review of The Elemental Chronicles

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (2.5)

Hello, Davejesi

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "The Elemental Chronicles"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A creation myth provides the background for a cosmic battle between dark and light. The battle seemed won with the triumph of the Elemental Kingdom, but now this has fallen and someone has summoned the powers of the dark Lord Noxithar to destroy all that Illuminous has created. Can Blaze Flamestrike save the day in fulfillment of prophecy?...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

You borrow from various religions here including Zoroastrianism juxtaposing light and darkness. That religion also posits a savior figure who comes and rescues the day at the end of time. Your Christian heresy is the dualistic Manichaeism. Various Hindu epics also explore this battle between good and evil and Chinese Taoism balances light and dark, yin and yang also. So there is nothing new under the sun whatever names we dress our new presentations in.

I got a little confused by your account, I would assume Illuminous created the world but the implication in paragraph 2 is that Noxithar did.

Your five basic elements contrast with Greek and Asian mythologies which use space or aether instead of lightning.

If some of the elementals died then how can the five reunite to defeat evil?

This reads a little like a Star Wars epic and I imagine Blaze carries a lightsaber.

Mechanical issues

This is a draft of a more ambitious plan but it needs a lot of work and is a little confusing at the moment.

Generally, numbers under twenty should be written out.

You use an omniscient narrator to tell us about the universe and the conflicts contained in it. But this does not make the characters come alive in the way that a show rather than tell format would do. Maybe you could rewrite from the perspective of Blaze thinking through the stories he has been told and interacting with some of the evil forces arrayed against him.

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773844

Review of The Abyss and the Anchor"

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, True Echo

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "The Abyss and the Anchor""

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Trapped inside a dark bubble of his own creation the poet is aware that he is living inside a fabricated delusion and is looking for a way out...

Commentary

We are altoften the architects of our demise, self-sabotaging the possibility of life, love and truth in our experience. This poem explores that self created darkness, pushes at its boundaries looking for the light that might betray exits from dark caverns of despair, self-doubt and self-pity. Sometimes our thinking process itself is the problem and we need to get out of our own heads and back on to the path by which we can restore what was lost. Maybe now is not the time to reason why but rather just to choose a positive path and walk it into the sunlight of actions. Let thought follow will into the daylight of a new dawn. Even in the darkest night there's always hope to reignite.

Mechanical issues

Some of the phrasing seemed a little old fashioned e.g. fray

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773502

Review of Spices, Jerk, and Chili

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, StephBee

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Spices, Jerk, and Chili "

via the entry list for the WDC contest. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Derice and Junior are inseparable and enthused about California. Derice meets Barbie and his cousin worries he might no longer have time for him. They start a food business with a food truck and Jamaican Jerk is a hit. Junior meets Suzie and then there is a food competition...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

Junior is the younger cousin in the shadow of the older Derice. It is Derice who gets a girlfriend first and it is his product that the business sells. He is thinking about marriage and is ambitious to succeed. Suzie seems to be the background star here awakening a potential in Junior that he was not aware of himself.

I love the ending which rebalances the scales and brings Junior out of the shadows. That they remain friends even after the role reversal is testimony to the positive relationship and their shared endeavor in the business. Indeed both the women and the men are friends before and after. It is a peaceful revolution of circumstances which is generally the best kind to have.

Thanks for an uplifting read.

Mechanical issues

Nothing major to say here.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773499

Review of Twilight of the Gods

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, Beholden

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Twilight of the Gods"

via the entry list for the WDC contest. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

As the aristocracy fades and the wild encroaches upon their estates the sounds of revolution can be heard in the cities. The mob approaches and one man, the groundsman, John, stands ready to face them. But what could he say to stop the violent march of history...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

Congratulations on your success with this story. I loved the very human way that you made the clash of the old and the new come alive. The story reminded me of the last days of the French aristocracy before the angry mob guillotined them except these aristocrats, at least the wife, were not the useless hangers-on of Versailles after the sun king. Then I thought this might have been a scene set in Britain except the civil war was pre-"telly" and did not include a massacre of aristocrats. The name Gunga Din dates the story after the nineteenth century, the chosen names of the Duke and Duchess make it sound British rather than Russian where the aristocracy was decimated.

Despite the feeling of historical rootlessness I finally concluded it did not matter. The main point was about the character of John and his faithful service to a family that had done much good down the generations. It reminded me of the organic gentleness of historical change that has characterized the British experience since the Civil War. We still have kings and aristocrats and they are no longer as central to our lives as they were, but there is no need to chop off their heads and to burn their houses down as we have simply grown alongside them and so the land is not stained in blood. It is people like John that have managed that transition.

Good story and a rebuke to the history of more revolutionary countries like Russia and France that still live with the wounds and instability of their abrupt and violent changes.

Mechanical issues

Thanks for making such an assessment unnecessary, a well-written piece.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773495

Review of Why?

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, Fyn

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Why?"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

The poem describes the joy of writing, comparing it to special moments like Christmas morning, a newborn child in an adoring mother's arms, and a child's first visit to a beach. The pains that went into the creation of a printed book are nothing compared to the feeling of creation, growth, and the pleasure of opening eyes to a world more marvelous than could have been grasped had we not written.

Commentary

I have written a great many books now, which are legacy for my children and have helped with my preaching role, though the whole publishing and marketing effort that follows that act of creation seems a little anti-climatic and I am slower on that front. Your poem is a reminder of the simple joy of creation and how our eyes and those of others have been opened to a wider world by the act of writing.

I did a study on Job recently in the bible for a sermon. God's answer to Job, and all the pains inflicted on him, has often puzzled me in the last few chapters of that book. God reminded Job of the complexity and wonder of His created works. Only the blind could question God's competency in running the universe when every step through this life, even the most painful ones, was through such wonders. Is the writer's task to open eyes to reasons for joy and wonder, reasons that would never have been glimpsed without the pains experienced on the writer's journey?

Thanks for your poem which was positive and uplifting.

Mechanical issues

Freeverse.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4773492

Review of It Wasn't My Fault

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Jameson Rehm

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "It Wasn't My Fault"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

It wasn't Russel Dawkin's fault or was it?...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

You write this in the first person conscious that your mother might be reading along. Or is that just a way to try and convince your reader that you too are a human being? The memory of meeting Karen, eight years your junior, and the move to take pizza together after a few drinks are all remembered. But you did not even ask her name until in a shared cab together. Everything is still normal and human, having pizza with friends with the possibility of moving back to her place. Then there is a moment of unexplained blankness when she goes down an alleyway and never returns. A brutal murder is referred to but not the motive and the perpetrator is kept mysterious. We are missing the weapon though it sounds like something sharp as the body was cleaved into five pieces. The denial is repeated and the details are blanked out. It wasn't your fault because it could not have been your fault. But the police will still ask their questions and what other explanation could there be when the alley was empty of all but the two of you?

I liked this even if the subject matter was a little dark. That you leave the true verdict as to what happened hanging is a provocative and interesting ending.

Mechanical issues

I guess it depends one on which side you look at the situation from

my names Russell Dawkins - possessive - did your mom not know this?

I guess I tell you all this because [,] well, I’m writing... - comma

quillbot.com or Grammarly can help identify missing commas, inappropriate tenses, unnecessary words, failure to close brackets, and spelling mistakes e.g. Iphone is iPhone. Possessive requires apostrophe

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4772872

Review of The Writer's Stairway

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello, Jaye P. Marshall

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "The Writer's Stairway"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Dick has always written and always aspired to be a great writer, but up until now success has eluded him. Why is that?

Commentary

Writing about writing on a writer's site you share some interesting insights with writers.

This piece triggered a few memories of how it all began in my case. I remember being published in a local newspaper several times at around ten years of age for short stories and poems.

Your piece described the agony of rejection, which is the staple diet of most writers. We learn from the feedback we get and try and improve our art. But I wonder if just wanting to be a writer for its own sake is as important a goal as having something you want your readers to hear.

The publication process is antiquated and needs an overall. It misses too much talent and is controlled by a small pool of often arrogant and misguided agents and publishers who are desperately competing with each other in a tough marketplace. They are trying to read what works but what works is not always something that they can grasp. Often they promote the wrong people and miss the right ones. On the other hand these days there is always Amazon which is relatively painless so long as you do not mind doing your own publicity and marketing.

Making your audience feel is the all-important connection with the reader People read emotions in novels and enjoy the rollercoaster ride the author takes them on. I wrote something recently that got me a whole load of positive comments, but I later realized only from men. Then my daughter read it and took the whole piece apart and now I feel compelled to rewrite whole sections of my original work. Our readers are part of the reason we write and our engagement with them means the writer's task is never done.

Mechanical issues

After 77 reviews this piece has little/nothing to be corrected so I focused on the content.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4772862

Review of Funny World

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Hello, Winchester Jones

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Funny World"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A man on the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge is contemplating ending it all following the death of his daughter. But then a dog chases a cat into his arms...

Commentary

The description made me think this was going to be a funny story but the first paragraph corrected that impression immediately. You wrote in the first person as if recounting your own experience and described the death of a daughter which would be harrowing for anyone. So suddenly the theme was deadly serious and it was clear you were considering jumping, which from that height would have been deadly.

But then along comes the cat and dog. Being a cat person I could relate to the cat, its fear and its faith that somehow you would provide protection drove it into your arms.

It was very interesting to hear that almost no one ever jumps on the dark side of the bridge facing away from the lights.

Anyway, I liked the ending and the name you gave to the cat. There is always hope.

Mechanical issues

Focused on the content.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4772861

Review of Saving the World

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, ShmrGray

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Saving the World"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A broody teenager, an ogre who bakes ( but don't ask what is in his pies), a fish in boots with no eyes, and John and Lydia are hoping to save the world. They have a few hurdles to overcome...

Commentary

This was a funny collection of one-liners from disparate characters who might never find a way to come together as a team. The threat to the world is unspecified but it does not matter as the plan requires a car engine that has been stolen.

Favorite lines included:

"I ain't touching the damn sewers in these boots!" This was screamed by a blind fish with giant eyes.

Also, "Sheesh, calm down, lady," the teenager muttered, rolling his eyes.

How the characters communicate and in what language is unspecified but the conversation is circular and it seems the A-Team lacks a van.

Very funny thanks.

Mechanical issues

It was not clear who was speaking a lot of the time. For example "I hate you" sounds like a teenager talking. However, given the emotional nature of the fish, the frustration in Lydia and the fact that John might be seeing his plan fall apart right now, it could have been someone else.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4771651

Review of Never So Alone (c. 11,000 words)

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Hello, Joto-Kai

. This is a review of "Never So Alone (c. 11,000 words)"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Can people who have survived because of the technologies they have incorporated into their existence find reasons for hope in the ruins of the rebel hybrid world they have created? The Terran Empire reigns supreme governed by an Indur elite and policed by drones that enforce licensing laws and imperial authority alike. Can Caleb unlock his heart before its license expires?...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

You introduce a lot of characters and groups in the first few paragraphs. The names are empty abstractions at first and the sheer volume of names is confusing. So Ob17 and Eradis canons for example mean nothing to me when first mentioned and distracted from the crucial flow of the text in the first few paragraphs.

Eventually, we discover that Ob17 is a doctor drone, with a purple metal head, as they dig him out of the mess in the medical center. The Eradi are the dumbbots that came from the death moon and are on the other side of the civil war commanded by the Indur - refugees from justice from many centuries before. They are fighting the ancient Terran Empire ruled by "people" with 'thousand-pound steel hooves' whose consciousness has been uploaded for the sake of immortality.

Caleb is the main character here. He has a heart pump fitted but the power pack only seems to last ten years for this and time is running out and he needs medical attention to unlock his heart. But replacing his heart requires a legal resolution of licensing issues which is impossible since the relevant corporations no longer exist. Caleb is facing his death as the timebomb in his chest will expire in ten days.

Bigrath is the beautiful sidekick with a huge angry face and appears to me massive compared to Caleb who is quite small. The definition of beauty is defined by Caleb without any appeal to the reader.

Scarlett is a mindwitch with red hair and eyes that change color from green to blue to purple and back again. Maybe she is indeed a little too xeno to grab an audience connection. In such a technological world her psychic abilities are unexplained.

The plot begins in the ruins of a medical center and shifts to a ruined cafe on the rebel planet of Larrikesh. Then suddenly we are ten years in the past and there is an Indur (the enemy?) standing there with a massive dumbot and Scarlett is speaking with him and then Caleb is trying to rush the Indur in a suicide attack and Scarlett stops him, thereby saving his life. The relationship with Scarlett (or is Scarlett with a number and is she just another drone?) begins again ten years later when she is chased by bots demanding her decommissioning. Caleb saves her by taking a ring that has a button to give her pain.

There is a long convoluted discussion about hope in desperate circumstances and then Caleb's heart expires and he dies and Scarlett is left alone again remembering those she has loved and lost.

Overall I found the plot a little abstract. The world you described was too alien for me. I was desperately looking for connection points with reality. The idea of cyborg humans and domination by an immortal elite who ultimately upload their consciousness and are more soulless machines than humans is a disturbing one. But this is not an egalitarian Borg vision where every drone has his value to the collective but rather an elitist one that models Earth's inequality to the furthest reaches of the galaxy.

Is it even possible to fuse chips and flesh in this manner? We have little idea as to what consciousness and the soul are, let alone being able to graft these things into the machines our hands have made. The vision is of doomed human/machine hybrids looking for hope in the ruins of a rebel planet Larrikesh. The story is situated in a universe dominated by imperial Indurs and drones enforcing corporate licensing laws. It is not a world I would want to live in. It needs a redeeming feature but instead, we have a spooky mindwitch, Scarlett, a ronin Indur, who is not even fully human and Caleb, who is, but whose mechanical heart pump is about to expire.

Can human beings find a reason to live in a world when the technologies they built for their survival control the fact of their existence? Where is God and where is meaning in such a world? Suicide and death are such dominating issues where the voice of eternity has been silenced by the efforts at survival of an Indur elite that grows less and less human and more filled with regret with every passing century.

Mechanical issues

Focused on content, this was too long for a considered review.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4771096

Review of it's about removing the layers

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Chico Mahalo

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "it's about removing the layers"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

A funny story about a dysfunctional Jewish family celebrating Thanksgiving.

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

For such a short piece you achieved a great deal by crafting some interesting characters and major plot twists into the story.

I was not aware that Jews celebrated Thanksgiving. At first, I thought it might have a religious echo in the Feast of t# the Harvest/Firstfruits/Weeks but it seems observance is mainly secular in American homes.

The author is the main character here and the piece is written in the first person. None of the other characters, actually present are named but are rather addressed by the familial titles: Papa, Sis, and Nana.

Nana is depressive, in and out of psychiatric care. Papa is a born-again Christian who mimics tongues by speaking in Yiddish and who carries non-poisonous snakes to demonstrate his Christian credentials. But his Jewish Nana seems immune to his deceptions and stereotypes about Christians are as plentiful here as are those about Jews. For example, I know a large slice of the American Christian community insists that the best version of the bible is the King James but the Revised King James, NASB, and even RSV are better-sourced translations. Also, Christians generally never talk about snakes and evangelists' immunity to snake bites, so I guess this is just something that Rabbis just like to mock.

I put the Yiddish into Google Translate and got a result:

Mamzar, a fan of the magazine, Nafqa, Narsh, active, Jefflij, we miss you, we adore you, maturity is like a fragment, fragment, what is it, Mir?

Yiddish or Yiddish gibberish? Maybe tongues is not so strict on grammar and it would make better sense with some commas and periods?

I guess the snake refers to the bible theme of being bitten but not dying.

When Paul had gathered a bundle of sticks and put them on the fire, a viper came out because of the heat and fastened on his hand. When the native people saw the creature hanging from his hand, they said to one another, “No doubt this man is a murderer. Though he has escaped from the sea, Justice has not allowed him to live.” He, however, shook off the creature into the fire and suffered no harm. Acts 28:3-5

Sis is the character who keeps things real and brings the family back to the purpose of their gathering.

The dialog and dry humorous reflections here were hilarious. Store-bought Pecan Pie in a glass dish, as if a smooth shave will make much difference. Tofurky is I guess some kind of Vegan/vegetarian alternative to meat.

I don't you would have to be a Jew to have so many antisemitic tropes in the story but they were amusing nonetheless.

Mechanical issues

You need to be consistent with the capitalization of familial titles like Papa, Nana, and Sis. Sis is in lowercase on several occasions.

You double-spaced around the first tongues/Yiddish section.

Thanks for sharing.

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4771087

Review of Beating the Heat

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Hello, Amethyst Angel 🍁🙏

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Beating the Heat"

via an official email with a recommended item list and yours looked interesting. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Has Kevin discovered the solution to global warming? Benny has his doubts...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

I have been feeling a little jaded recently about reviewing but I loved this and it woke me from my slumber.

Kevin is the mad scientist and Benny is his faithful and wiser assistant. This was only 300 words and so an explanation of how the composition of worldwide aircraft fuel resources can be complemented by this, without inspectors of worldwide fuel storage tanks noticing, is beside the point.

Sodium Perchlorate is highly toxic and indeed explosive. Combining it with aluminum it is used for rocket-fuel and fireworks. I suppose the aluminum would be the agent that deoxygenated the carbon dioxide by extracting the oxygen from it. But I wonder if combining it with aircraft fuel might cause an explosion.

Some better ways of doing this can be found here:
https://www.wri.org/insights/6-ways-remove-carbon-...

Thanks for an amusing piece of writing

Mechanical issues

Nothing major found.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4769925

Review of Obsession

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (3.0)

Hello, sindbad

. This is a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I received "Obsession"

via the random 'read & review' button. I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Jenna takes a taxi back home from the office and then Shaun and her go to a party.

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This is my reading of what you wrote, as it read to me, feel free to disagree with me.

This is told in a narrator's voice which does not make things easy for a reader. We have timeshifts from a taxi, bringing Jenna back from work, to the morning when Jenna was in bed, and then to a future party. There is no dialog and the style is sometimes too clever. By that I mean the word games, in the elaborate descriptions here, get a little confusing.

How is a taxi a 'junked yellow mantrap clanking' for example? I mean a taxi might be yellow and old and make noises but why does that make it a mantrap? I found myself getting quite obsessed with that phrase and it completely broke the flow of the text for me.

Cold beer on a hot day gets a wet effect on the outside. But here you describe it as a muggy day and like sweat. Again that image jarred and I found it confusing.

Jenna is described as an androgynous chain smoker who brings the ash into bed and looks a little like a page boy but is also perhaps a dryad. I found that image quite disturbing and confusing. Dryads live in the forest, full of life but kind of pagan. The pageboy reference had a gay vibe but jarred against the more feminine descriptions of long legs and pink tops. The description completely severed any emotional connection I had with Jenna. But the author's intention appears to be to present an attractive figure that will take us on with her to her party. I did not want to follow.

The Jenna character is thoughtless yet lives in her head. She is moved by words but no one speaks to her in the eloquent ways described here. There is no dialog and Shauns barked instructions are only about the motor function of going from A to B. She is insubstantial and moves from event to event smelling like cigarette smoke. Life is a blur as she flits from person to person and event to event.

Did the description fit the piece? Jenna lives in the moment but the party seems like an afterthought in the text.

Was the purpose of this piece to be a character assassination of a person you did not like? It read to me like an elaborate put-down, from a talented writer, who in this piece went over the top with his long unbroken, and confusing sentences.

Mechanical issues

glistening with sweat, reflecting light of [off] its dark, slender fluid body

Words, words have always been the glistening beings dancing inside her, furry glowing animals that promise an elongated plateau of languidness, connected to the spaces the world doesn’t give away every day, hidden caves where the mind is at one with the motion of time and beyond it, where the advent of life, its blue after-trail is always within the palm, words that dissolve all the frozen stuff inside Jenna, into one ceaseless, incandescent ball of energy flowing out, in immaculate conception, like the ordered chaos of fractals. - The sentence was too long and needs to be broken up. We may have different ideas about the use of the phrase immaculate conception here. She is full of these words but does not speak. She burns in the moment but her energy is all within, it does not find a reflection in anyone else's face or life. I could not decide if this was brilliant or gibberish.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4767086

Review of Silent Witness

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

Hello, Amethyst Angel 🍁🙏

. This is a review of "Silent Witness"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Luke gets his dream car on his 18th birthday from his father. It is a Charger like the Police drive and very fast. It is also the perfect car to take Tracy out on a date. Tracy's father is a drunk and one night things come to a head and she is ready to leave. Luke and Tracy drive onto the open road. They are full of hope...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

The car is personified in this story and appears thrilled to fulfill its design specifications and to make its master/mistress happy. It has the character of a powerful servant, protecting promoting and facilitating its master's interests.

Tracy is a girl from the black stuff, tutored by the experience of a drunk father and the poverty of her home environment. She wants to make good, gets a job and earns enough to get an apartment. She gets promoted and is going places.

Luke does not perform outside of his hometown. He dreamt of fast cars and impressing girls but did not work on the substantial things needed to make that happen. He fails to get a job and history repeats itself for Tracy as he turns into someone very like her father.

The plot is close to the sentiment of the song. The highway offers redemption and the hope of a new life. If we just drive away we can find our promised land and everything can be made good. But it is also realistic in that these dreams do not always work out. In this story, the American dream of meritocratic achievement is realized by Tracy while Luke falls from a more privileged position. His parents do not bail him out of his addiction but rather give the car to Tracy. In practice, social mobility has declined massively in recent decades in the USA. The rich stay rich and bail out their children, even when hopeless addicts and the poor grow poorer. The gap widens and inequality grows.

I liked the story but wondered why it is always the man who ends up the bad guy. Is that real life, my experience is more the other way around.

Thanks for letting me review this and good luck with the contest. This was a very good story and stands a strong chance of winning.

Mechanical issues

Nothing major was found.

Thanks for sharing.

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My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

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How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#4764525

Review of Run for the Roses (Chapter 1 and 2)

Review by LightinMind

In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Hello, Zeke

. This is a review of "Run for the Roses (Chapter 1 and 2)"

by invitation from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

I have the following comments to offer.

Reader Experience

Thirteen-year-old Lauren an orphan, is the adopted niece of Shag Brimwell, a washed-out jockey/horse owner. Motivated by a contract, signed in crayon, from when she was ten she bids for a filly, with money that might not be there, against the evil, filthy rich, John Henry Johnson. She names her horse Abbey after her dead mother, but when has a filly ever won the Derby?...

Commentary: Content, Characters and Plot

This was well over the word limit for a normal by-invitation review. But I found it quite engaging.

Lauren is the star here, she is clear-headed and determined and knows what she wants. She keeps Shag together and gets the horse. She has preserved a contract written in crayon down the years and even though no ten-year-old can sign a legal document she gets what she wants from Shag.

Shag seems to be the disgraced former success who might have been framed for doping a horse that fell and broke its legs. The death of his sister and the failure of his career appear to have left him without a clue about what to do with his life and an alcohol problem.

John Henry Johnson is the rich guy everybody loves to hate, who owns everything and for whom money is a tool of power and malice. He uses people and horses to get what he wants and seems to have no morals.

Jock is the rich grandfather who is about to lose the ranch unless he can get a Filly to win the Derby.

The story flowed nicely and I found the dialog engaging. There are the mysteries of where John Henry Johnson got his money and the circumstances of the doping scandal that ruined Shag. There is also the hope that a thirteen-year-old can create a Derby winner out of Filly that she named after her dead mother.

I was a little confused as to whether these were jockeys or horse owners. Jockeys are usually small and short and so the descriptions seemed at odds with that.

The scene by the grave was very moving.

It seems quite obvious that Abey Angel is going to win the Derby - indeed you tell us that in the prologue so we already know how the book ends. You have a clear villain on John Henry Johnson who has already demonstrated he has no morals - I wonder what he will do to frustrate Lauren's plans.

Mechanical issues

You might want to run this through quillbot as there were missing commas, fullstops, some capitalization issues, use of passive voice.

Quotes should surround periods and commas e.g.
“John Henry Johnson”, Shag mutters. - “John Henry Johnson," Shag mutters.

Shags cheeks bulge. - Possessive so Shag's cheeks

Thanks for sharing.

** Image ID #1900402 Unavailable **

STATIC

My Philosophy of Rating and Reviewing

(E)
How do I assess people's work when reviewing?
#2259390 by LightinMind

"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/luminementis