filled her legs with lead and her heart birds. How about, "filled her legs with lead and her heart, flitfull birds. or some other adjective?
After reading it in entirety, I felt the fear, the panic and the strength of the character. i am worried for the character, wondering when he will catch up to her and how her friends will be after she is at another location.
It's a great start to a book that I would love to read. '
I give no points to anyone because I don't think people should be rewarded other than to be acknowledged. I give you 4 stars for the beginning of what might be a great novel!
I love what you have written so far. I hope you keep writing this.
I'm very sorry. It's not the worst poem I've read here, but it's very close. I don't want to crush anyone's dreams of being a poet. Read other poets here. You will find some amazing inspiration.
First off, I don't give points for reviews, I expect them. Second, what I review is honest, constructive and from the perspective of a professional writer.
I appreciate the length of the stanzas, difficult to do and stay with the theme.
You were doing so well in the first parts, but lost the poetic ideas so easily towards the end. It really was lost. You were off to a good start.
It's not a bad start, but poetry needs more emotion. Not just ideas and stanzas. You do have some promise...but it needs work.
I find it wonderful that you responded to my concerns and situation. I love being here even though the site is impossibly difficult to understand and you did not address my concerns. It is, however, very comforting that you responded personally.
I didn't mean to suggest that I would go elsewhere, as there is no other site of this type to go to. Just that this site needs serious repair and functional redesign. It's almost impossible to find links to join contests, and many other things that should be obvious to any casual user. The site reminds me of stuff I tried to deal with in 1995.
I hope you don't take offense to that. No offense is intended, still, no one should have to look for links to things on the site.
Like for instance, A drop down list for current contests. And when there, an obvious link to enter that contest. WOW!
Basically, a windows based site.
How about not having to use Word? I can't afford MS stuff anymore. I use Open Office to write with, but you won't accept that as a post. I have to go through all kinds of different stuff just to post my creations here.
There are many reasons you might update this site. Mostly for our benefit. We love being here, but it's not really that friendly for us. The navigation is just a small issue compared to the rest.
As a professional journalist, writer, editor and researcher I implore you to update. We do love what you have here. But it's got to be made better.
It reminds me of the positive thinking ideas that make money only for the people promoting it.
Overcoming is something you do via willpower, something inside you that says, "I will not be defeated". Overcoming does not give you willpower.
The idea of positivity is one that will never get you are far as is advertised. I'ts only in the mind of the believer just like religion.
The path taken is not left or right, it's wrong or right. Sometimes it's sideways, but usually it's bad or good.
And yes, the end result speaks for itself.
I did like the first line about some things can be overcome and some not. But being positive in no way determines any outcome. Only your view on the outcome. The end result is what it is.
I don't usually send feedback on poems...This one made me feel the ideas of the necessity of migration while being held back by an emotion. Like having to go to work while love makes you want to stay home, then realizing maybe she doesn't want you home, so you go where you have to feeling unloved and unsure.
A very good poem that could translate to every person's situation. A real hit I would say!
I don't post poems on my site, however, I do appreciate how well you write. All success to you my friend.
I don't usually read poetry, and for good reason. However, I have to say that this particular poem is exceptional. I throughly enjoyed it and would love to hear more from you!
"sci-fi installation wall of monitors" no one thinks of their situation as "Sci=fi". Just a thought....
Wow is all I can really say. The quiet inclusion of facts and silent ways of the telling is quite amazing. I have written some things in this genre but I love the way you put it together.
I didn't have to spend time with grammar or spelling, nor did I have an issue with the flow and readability.
I have to be honest, and I have never said this before; it truly has the makings of a great book and more important, a great movie. (Depending on financial importance)
It's the first report I've done on something I thought was truly great.
Even as a synopsis it works. I wish I could write as well as you do. I have accreditation as a journalist and as a writer myself.
Please let me know if you do anything else with this or write new material.
I loved the poem! The poem was beautiful, invoked every feeling of love that comes with being enamored with someone. It would have been "uneventful" and kind of normal if not for the last line. "Destiny's path awaits". That line stretches the normal to infinity. Takes love from together, to looking forward. I loved the idea!
Second sentence has a spelling error. Difficult to see this coming in well in a state competition unless this is the draft. Also looking up your title, it doesn't show on any competition at all. Maybe show some proof of that would be good.
"I thank this to my father" is horrible sentence structure and not the way people talk at all.
At this point, I quit reading. No writing competition would ever accept this as a first place winner.
First off, your preamble was poetry. A little too self effacing, but humble and honest. That was a good post in itself.
"only setting my journey back only a few minutes." a redundant word...
"but a philosophy follow more intently is" did you mean followed?
It was easy to read, well written and thoughtful. I loved it.
Even as a proof reader and a writer myself, I have to say this was excellent work. I felt every word you wrote. I also felt the "have to do it myself" when you could have used a phone. Great Job!
Its a great mermaid story. its very kind and obvious. But something the movie studio would appreciate. maybe add something to it. Like who is she? you tell it just from his perspective. Does she feel the same way? what is her issues? you have a great story there.
I already have an issue in the first paragraph. You might not want to go with talking about Apple and other brands. You'll lose half your audience. Apple is known for employing Chinese workers, kids and for dollar amounts you and I would find appalling. Try to stick with not talking about brands. Otherwise you run the risk of people giving you a bad reputation instead of talking about your writing abilities. Just a thought.
Past that, I tried reading as far as I could, good writing style. But I never could figure out what kind of novel it would be. Just life? or did you want to write a romance?
Good writing style, no content. No passion, no story. All that said, I await your next one, because I know you have something in it that screams to me. This one was about a daily walk down normal street. I can feel your passion trying to get out, I hope you let it loose.
I was hoping for something I could spend 250 chars on, but shit you scared the pants off me. Every word was artistry. I hope to read your trilogy and eventually the whole series on whatever you decide to do in the future. Better by far than my favorite authors. I tend more towards Sci-fi, however, you have a real talent. I fully intend to look more into your profile and read more. I only have one other writer here I appreciate the same way, he's a poet. (I hate poetry usually). Amazing! 5 stars to you and a hefty amount of gift points too. I was trying to save them up, but youre the reason we do this.
With such a short poem and so well written, I'll never make the 250 chars for the points of reviewing this. LOL
I loved it. Seemed to me as though the person was already old, maybe this person died and he was looking back at what he wanted to say. Its a great poem.
I review everything that comes across my "desk". I do take it seriously most of the time. I also try to be respectful as well. Some things just don't seem to fall into any category or feeling. while I'm sure you had something in mind when you wrote this, the words just didn't strike me as anything at all. Nothing grabbed me emotionally, the words didn't make any kind of sense, or at least not enough to put me in mind of any emotion i've ever had.
My vaguest thought might be of a person holding mother's will in their hands, but past that I can't seem to feel anything at all.
I'm no expert, so please don't take this wrong, but you might need to concentrate on something with more of your heart! Whatever you were feeling when you wrote this just doesn't come out for me. I'm sry.
Well, have fun reading alone. Glad you found the thesaurus. I know, I am supposed to be respectful. I will try. It seems you just looked up words that rhymed and threw them together. Respectfully, I think you can do much better.
Though your writing was good, The ideas well made, I didn't get inspired. The only reason I say this to you is that I think you weren't either, not really.
Good poet. You need a muse! something that really fires your heart. its altogether true as well that what inspires you doesn't inspire me. Its your job to make me feel what you feel though, not the other way around.
I have a strong feeling you can do just that if you set your mind to it.
Don't bother with just stringing words together, or even and idea. Tell me what drives your heart. Open your heart and spatter it all over the paper, so to speak.
I give you three stars for the effort, I know you can do so much better though. I look forward to your next poem!!
I do honest and thoughtful reviews. I do try and be respectful as well. I hope you take all my review as such. Its a long story, so it will be a lengthy review.
My first thought in the first two chapters, was that I didn't understand some of the ideas. Let me post: Boot on boot contact rouses the young man awake. I get the idea, but it sounds almost like you might have meant sex. I might have said,: the sound of him kicking the other guys boot roused the young man from his slumber. I know, a very minor point and maybe not worth mentioning. (sry, I do this for a living.)
I think the reason I'm having trouble with the flow of this is that you just start jumbling all the names in right away. Sometimes I'm not even sure if you're using names. Maybe more, :Brightness says,- or something to that effect. But more to character information for sure! I want to know who brightness is. I want to know all the characters, but I can't follow it because there is no getting to know them at all.
I hope that makes sense. I thought right away that brightness was the dawn. and the guy kicking him's name didn't seem to make sense. Sort of after saying he was growling.
May I give you an example of how I might word it? Its the only one I will give, then I will wait for your response. If you want me to continue later, let me know and I would be happy to help.
Here's the way I might have started the book:
"Up Brightness, wash your face and make ready." Said the guy they called Growler, noticeably deep voice giving him away. Brightness, still a young man and sleepy, gave no complaint as he stretch's his limbs in the bleak morning sun, a yawn coming from his toes to be freed into the wild-erupts forth into the new day.
"See, you did need sleep." Said Shambler, crawling out from under the opposite caravan. Her normally well kept red hair a right mess of knots.
"And you need a good comb!" Shambler promptly fires a middle finger at the young man. He snorts.
That's my initial review and I can tell you are from a different country than I, (at least I hope so) and I realize there are cultural differences and they shouldn't be messed with. If my initial review is helpful, shoot me an email back. If not, I'm sorry to bother you. I don't usually review anything I don't think is worth the time spent.
First off, I want to know what kind of gate was it! I found myself wandering in my mind, desperately seeking to know if it was a huge gate of the type to keep anyone out of a city in a post apocalyptic world, or a house gate. Then you mentioned Rite-Aid, confusing me further.
#2 used the word "Hug" a lot of times in the two paragraphs. Not an issue really, just noticed it.
And by the 15th paragraph, we're tired of just watching everyone be scared. Nothing's happening at all.
"Jay was pulled back and she let out a small squeal. She turned into Andy and grabbed a handful of his sweatshirt in terror. Zombies couldn’t get through the barricades that easily without making a stir" at least by this time we have some clue as to what the issue might be!
It sounds like a good premise, but to be honest, There is way too much time spent on trying to get the reader scared first. That can be done in just a few paragraphs. I would spend a bit more time on getting readers to know the characters. Maybe some back story on the kids. Like one remembering His mother, and why he's so scared. I don't know, up to you of course.
Its a beautiful tale, the tale of a man with no where else to go, or one trying still to be back in the good graces of the woman he loves dearly. Also the tale of so many men. So many that have fallen for lust in the worst and best of circumstances. The tale of the young.
I hope this tale works out for you my young friend. Its a nice poem. Not one likely to get back in good grace, but a good start to that end. It will take a few years to overcome, and remember, women never forget.
Not everyone appreciates my thorough way of reviewing and truthfully, I don't spend a lot of time actually doing it, but I think your story warrants an actual review.
I'll start with the first paragraph...You put me immediately on that train looking out at a bleak, cold forest. I was there. Pulled right in to it. I loved the simplicity of you taking me there.
The second paragraph I got lost. It was so existential that I was tossed of the train and couldn't find my bearings. Just for me being the reader, you could expound on that more, get me into it. And of course, I am just one reader. I can only speak for myself and hope you take it as just one opinion.
Third paragraph, and the last I will likely comment on for a while, back to reality!
Probably obese? Is she or not? ( the witch.)
Very minor point: "I'm surprised you can still make a joke like that, seeing as how things are," she dodged my question. I WOULD SAY, "Dodging my question, it hit me by surprise but, etc"
super minor point that is just me.
this sentence I had to read three times: Don't think too much about it, besides I'm raising a brat isn't hard. Doesn't make a lick of sense, but maybe its done in a Character or dialect. Up to you. :)
Just a thought: I wasted my retirement money - go with the word savings instead of retirement. More old world?
And with that, all I really have left to say is that I want more! Its a great start to just the kind of stories I love to read.
I hope you weren't offended by any of my suggestions or comments. I would never have bothered if I didn't think it was worth not only my time, but the worlds as well!!
I give you 5 stars and a bunch of gift points as well. I look forward to the rest of this novel.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lukegoffkat
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 8:59am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
