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107 Public Reviews Given
230 Total Reviews Given
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Review of I wish  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
You have the technical aspects of this poetic form down good, but the rhymes feel a little forced. In other words, it feels as if you just twisted or added some lines to go out of your way to make it rhyme. The goal of rhyming is to make the rhymes feel so natural as part of the poem that the reader barely notices the rhymes. Anyways, nice attempt at this form. Just keep practicing and you'll learn how to intuitively plan a few lines ahead to make your rhymes more fresh.


Regards,
Brandon
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Review of The Archer  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, I found your piece on "Please Review" Open in new Window..

I'll try to be as in-depth and helpful as I can. Please keep in mind that my review is just my opinion and shouldn't be taken as set in stone. Feel free to disregard any comments or suggestions that I make.

*Leaf5*Topic
Seems to be a metaphorical poem about a constellation of an archer, possibly Hercules.

*Leaf5*Spelling/Grammar
Didn't find any typos, but it would be nice if the poem weren't devoid of punctuation and capitalization.

*Leaf5*My Overall Impression
This piece has a nice rhythm, and pretty good word choice, but the use of sporadic line formatting is a little distracting. Line formatting doesn't have to be rigid and square, but each unconventional line placement should have a good reason behind it. The line placement in this poem vaguely resembles, perhaps, a compound bow, but this resemblance is too much of a stretch for this to have an aesthetic affect.

Rating:3.5

I hope my feedback was helpful, keep writing *Smile*.

Best Wishes,
LuVen Author IconMail Icon
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Review of The Gray Area  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, I am reviewing your piece for the Group "Gifting for Reviews"

I will try to be as helpful and in-depth as I can *Smile*.

*Leaf5*Plot
Very interesting. You were very truthful to the outsider's prospective of our post-apocalyptic world.

*Leaf5*Characterization
Antos works very well with the plot as the recklessly curious explorer.

*Leaf5*Pacing
Though most of the action was inside of Antos' mind, his thoughts were dynamic and interesting, bringing a quick feel to the story.

*Leaf5*Setting
This alternate world is brought to life with alien terminology and vivid description.
*Leaf5*dialog

*Leaf5*Technical/Grammar

It spit out a long and narrow silver spaceship that passed a dead moon at blinding speeds. The top rear thrusters sparkled blue and slowly dimmed as the ship approached its destination: a dead planet with a solitary moon.

The repetition of the adjective "dead" is distracting and bland. Perhaps describing the planet as "barren" or "lifeless" would take care of this.

But, something had gone awry on this world.

I suggest that you remove the comma after "but." This is unnecessary, and it's a conventions error.

Death and silence nestled where life once had.

I do get the implied "nestled" after "had," but this sentence reads more clumsily than plainly saying "where life once was" or "where life once thrived."

Something had indeed gone wrong,

I do not like the use of "indeed" in this sentence; it somehow doesn't fit. I suggest a rewording along the lines of "something had definitely gone wrong,. . ."

The thrusters erupted into red sparkles as the ship descended through the gray haze.

Since the thrusters have already been described as sparkling blue, I think that once again describing them as sparkles is unnecessary. Repeated or similar descriptions can be distracting, and can make the reader feel as if the word choice in the story is limited. So be sure to pay attention to such repetitions.

It sensed his hand and spit out more gas.

I suggest replacing "spit" with "spat" to maintain tense consistency.

What would we be upon?" He slammed the recorder shut. He knew what they would be upon.

Here, you have a repeated phrase with two different pronouns. I think both pronouns should be the same.

His mind suddenly exploded: Damn the Elite Council! It felt even better in words, thus: “DAMN THE ELITE COUNCIL! DAMN! DAMN! DAMN!

For lack of better phrasing, I have to say that this dialog was cheesy. It felt like a cliched shaking-fist-at-heavens scene. If I were abandoned and left to die, I'd probably say something more along the lines of "Those heartless murderers! They left me behind to die!" This is still kind of cheesy but, still, a step towards more natural dialog.

The gray gases were starting to dissipate. A path was now clear before him. With no other options, he walked the dark path carefully, hoping for some miracle and knowing that a single misstep would lead deep into the belly of the dragon.

This paragraph is unindented.

*Leaf5*My Overall Impression
This was a very interesting and well written piece that gave a nice existential message. The ending closely resembled some ironic realist pieces from the early nineteenth century that I've read in school.

I do think that Antos' actions were a little stupid. But you can't blame the curious cat for getting killed, can you?

My Rating:
4.5

Best Wishes,

LuVen Author IconMail Icon
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your piece for the Group "Gifting for Reviews"

I will try to be as helpful and in-depth as I can *Smile*.

*Leaf5*Plot
Pretty interesting - a man in denial of his wife's death, and his best friend trying to comfort him and his baby daughter.

*Leaf5*Characterization
My favorite character was Megan. You portrayed her so sweetly. The scene with her was extremely cute.

*Leaf5*Pacing
You executed this scene smoothly from beginning to end, not getting caught up on unnecessary amounts of backstory.

*Leaf5*Setting
The stormy night and gloomy house came into focus without much need for extensive description.

*Leaf5*dialog
Your dialog worked nicely, especially Megan's baby sentences.

*Leaf5*Technical/Grammar

He ran a hand across his eyes and sighed.

This sentence is given its own paragraph. This is Ok to do for stylish, sudden statements, but this sentence doesn't feel strong enough to be appropriate for having its own paragraph. I suggest making it part of the next paragraph.

*Leaf5*My Overall Impression
This was a very touching short story. You've skillfully focused one one scene and were able to convey a lot of emotion by picking the right scene and crafting it carefully. This was a very enjoyable read.

My Rating:
4.0

Best Wishes,

LuVen Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Melody Of Words  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your piece for the Group "Gifting for Reviews"

I will try to be as helpful and in-depth as I can *Smile*.

*Leaf5*Plot
I liked this plot. Stories about people reaching for their dreams through their own effort are really appealing to me.

*Leaf5*Characterization
Madison's aspiration to become a great writer is nicely portrayed. I liked her boundless ambition and constant concern for causing problems for others. Her clashing traits of humility and ambition work nicely.

Also, Stephanie, from the short part with her, is a lovable character who's caring and hip.

I don't yet care for any of the other characters.

*Leaf5*Pacing
The pacing was nice before and after the huge chunk of backstory about Madison. I suggest trying to work this backstory in snippets throughout multiple beginning chapters. Don't feel rushed to fully flesh out her character in the first chapter. Such details about her will very likely have more impact when revealed in later chapters when the reader is more emotionally involved with Madison. The most important thing with first chapters is to balance action and plot with necessary backstory.

*Leaf5*Setting
Private schools are always interesting places to set a story. I generally sense more rivalry and conflict from Private school kids as opposed to public school ones.

Your details on the aspects of private school life make the setting clear and believable.

*Leaf5*dialog
Your dialog sounds very natural. You've definitely developed the touch for real sounding conversation.

*Leaf5*Technical/Grammar

Madison Rose sat at her desk in her first hour, AP English class, staring at the papers atop her desk for what seemed like ten straight-minutes.

It doesn't make sense to me to hyphenate "straight" and "minute." Hyphenated words are supposed to act like compound nouns; I've never heard of a "straight-minute."

She was not going to give up on this scholarship. She couldn’t give up on this scholarship.

I suggest combining these similar sentences: "She was not going to give up on this scholarship, she couldn't."

“Hey, Madison. Can I see your schedule?” pleaded the, tan skinned, girl in the seat beside her.

I suggest removing both commas from around "tan skinned." They are not appropriate.

How do you only manage to have three classes?

I suggest moving "only" to after "have."

Sounds good to me. I’ll meet you out front after third hour as always right?

I suggest putting a comma before "right" because it is an interjection, and interjections should be surrounded with commas.

“Yeah. I think we better start paying attention,” said Madison, holding up her index finger to her lips as their English teacher, white bearded Mr. Lettermen, sent them an unhappy glance.

I suggest hyphenating "white" and "bearded." Otherwise, this may be mistaken as "white, bearded Mr. Lettermen."

It was her grandmother's main rule; no shoes in the house.

Use a normal colon instead of a semi-colon. Semi-colons should only be used to connect two independent clauses (subject, predicate, etc).

Hi honey.

"Hi"is an interjection and needs a comma after it.

It had felt weird to come home to her grandparents, but after some time it began to feel almost natural to her. It didn’t take long for her to feel comfortable.

These two sentences are redundant. One says it felt natural being with them after some time. The other says she didn't take long to feel comfortable. Both these sentences have the same idea and similar structure. Combine ém, or cut one of 'em.

Her grandfather worked in the morning driving food over to houses of handy-capped elderly people,

I don't know if "handy-capped" is some sort of pun, but if not, you should use the correct spelling of "handicapped."

Over time, she even became so incredibly rich from all of her movie deals that she owns a huge penthouse in Manhattan that takes up the entire 25th floor of the building.

Change "takes" to "took." Since you're writing with immediate past tense, even things that are happening in the present (like how the penthouse currently "takes" up the entire 25th floor) should be described with past tense.

“I see your predicament now,” she said.

I'm being picky, but I remember you using the word "predicament" earlier in this story. Also, "I see your predicament" is less natural to say than "I see your problem."


*Leaf5*My Overall Impression
A well written story about chasing your dreams? This is just the type of story that I like. Just try to cut down the size of Madision's chunk of backstory.

My Rating:
4.5 Nicely done.

Best Wishes,

LuVen Author IconMail Icon
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am reviewing your piece for the Group "Gifting for Reviews"

I will try to be as helpful and in-depth as I can *Smile*.

*Leaf5*Plot
This story has a pretty sweet plot. An evil plague brought forth by evil magic. The quest to safely escort the son of a mighty healer in hopes of him growing up to be a legendary healer, but protected only by an assassin sent by the enemy. At least that's the plot as I understand it.

*Leaf5*Characterization
Syphis is definitely stubborn and bitter; you've fleshed out his character well. And Lady Griflet is definitely brought out as worried and reluctantly resolute in doing what has to be done. Both characters were brought to life wuite nicely.

*Leaf5*Pacing
There was plenty of action and backstory, both well balanced with each other. The pacing in this chapter is right on the mark.

*Leaf5*Setting
The alternate world that you've begun to develop is described nicely. I liked your descriptions of magic and the natural references to the workings of this world. Some authors tend to get impatient with revealing precious backstory and will have a character give a contrived summary of the related histories. For example, having a person go into a semi detailed explanation of WWII because someone made a passing reference to Hitler. The characters all know the story and nobody would waste other people's time by regurgitating obvious facts. You avoided this annoying mistake, indicating that you actually pay attention to your narration and dialog, and ask yourself if it sounds natural. Good job.

*Leaf5*dialog
Your dialog was believable and had a good flow, 'nuf said.

*Leaf5*Technical/Grammar

His wife felt tears starting in her eyes at the thin, frail wreckage wracked by disease.

This sentence is literally saying that her tears are being formed at the "wreckage." I assume that you meant for this sentence to mean that her tears were caused by looking at her sick husband. This confusion is caused simply by the use of the preposition "at." You can fix this by inserting "as she gazed" before "at."

If he could only break her shield, he could use the full force of his own magic, could unleash the fury that the crystal contained.

I suggest replacing "he could use the full force of his own magic, could unleash the fury that the crystal contained" with "he could use the full force of his own magic 'and' unleash. . ."

*Leaf5*My Overall Impression
This chapter introduce a very compelling plot, and I enjoyed your description of magic, the extra emphasis you put on mental invasion.

My Rating:
4.0 This was a very enjoyable read.

Best Wishes,

LuVen Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Blue Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is itself a clever play on words. "Once in a blue moon." I love how you've turned the image of a blue moon as an indicator of good luck, an indicator that you will have something unlikely, something extraordinary happen to you. I think the use of punctuation is a little inconsistent, but, still, nice turn of phrase, good rhythm and nice word choice. And yet another worthy poem.

Best Wishes,
LuVen Author IconMail Icon
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a well done Shakespearian Sonnet with a skilled touch with iambic pentameter. The poem is about being so in love with someone that you don't care that they aren't truly in love with you. This poem does a good job of contrasting the author's dread of the object of affection's lack of returning the love with equal relish, and the author's happiness in spite of that dread. Overall, this was a very polished poem well worth reading.

Best wishes,
LuVen Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Thoughts On Me  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
The format of this poem is a little distracting, but it works. I do think that justifying the free-verse segments to the right makes them look less attractive because we read from left to right and the justification shuffles the starting point for my eyes. Perhaps adding 5 or more indents to each line instead would have the same separation effect but still maintain the normal look of the left justified stanzas. The poem was very nice and the mix of rhyming stanzas and free verse worked well.

Best Wishes,
LuVen Author IconMail Icon
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was an awesome guide. I've reviewed a lot in my less than two weeks of being a member, and this guide quickly sums up a lot of points that I had to review hundreds of times to learn to look for. This guide will help you be both a better reviewer and a better writer. It's amusing and to the point. I definitely recommend that you give this very informative article a quick read.

Best Wishes,
LuVen Author IconMail Icon
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This succeeds at being a recognizable parody of Streisand's "You don't bring me flowers", but it doesn't do much beyond that. It seems that you just copied the song's structure and replaced some words with more computer based terms. Since you're parodying song lyrics, the poem ends up not having any inherent rhythm because song lyrics often don't have inherent rhythm because they rely on music and timing to make the words flow. This was a very nice piece of lyrics parody but doesn't have any qualities that make it truly shine. Since you are posting this as a poem, writing it with a consistent rhythm would be a nice touch as well as putting in more rhyming like the original song. After that, this piece could be a very nice work of poetry as well as a nice modernization parody.

Best wishes,

Brandon Evans
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Review of On The Lam  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a very clever poem. I liked the alliteration that began each stanza. And the rhythm was very consistent except for one line:

of time robbing my youthfulness

The disruption of rhythm is very slight but noticeable when reading it to myself. I would suggest a slight rewriting of this line. Here's an example that might work, try and see the improvement in rhythm: Of the robbing of my youthfulness.

The only problem with yours is that it has to many unstressed syllables at the beginning.

Overall, this was a clever, amusing poem with a very well done rhythm.
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem has very good rhythm.

One suggestion: use "deafened" instead of "deadened" because you seem to be describing the muffling of their voice, therefore "deafened" which means that a sound has been reduced, would fit better than "deadened" and is an identical word in terms of stressed syllables.

Overall, this was a very amusing poem with clever wit and song like rhythm. Nicely done.

Best Wishes,

Brandon Evans
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Review of The Cave  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was a very amusing poem, bringing to life both the dream of every man to be a super hero, and reminding us of the solitude and peace that a man can find in the safe walls of the bathroom. The descriptions of transforming the bathroom into a crime fighting base were nicely done.

One suggestion: I think you should use the word "scythe" instead of "sai" because I'm pretty sure that's what you meant of you're talking about the blade that the grim reaper is usually portrayed as holding.
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a hilarious story with a good moral.

I'm very glad that tents made today have many advances in water-proofing technology.

Anyways, I have two suggested edits:

I merely put the magazines in and then rolled the sleeping back,

I think you meant sleeping bag

And:

“You wouldn’t happen to know anything about some adult magazines, would you?” I gulped.

Putting "I gulped" in this paragraph confuses me as to who is talking. The mom is talking but an action by the narrator is in the same paragraph which suggests that this would be his dialog. The "I gulped" should be moved in front of the narrators response.

Anyways, nice story.
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Review of Got Milk?  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wowwwwwwwwwwwww! This was terribly funny! Billy's vernacular little kid speak was well done. And his questions were so hilarious. "What's pawole, Daddy?"
I totally recommend this piece to anyone who wants a big laugh. This is an easy to read dialog only piece that effectively pokes fun at the innocent trouble children can get into if unnattended.

You must read this!
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Some suggested edits:

"It had taken thirty days of continuous house to house fighting to kick the gooks out of Hue"

I would suggest hyphenated "house to house" into "house-to-house." Since these words describe the type of fighting in the correct context only when combined, it would help clarify their meaning to the reader.

"Leaning down, Jimmy grabbed doc and hoisted him on his shoulder and turned and ran back toward the river."

Here, you should have capitalized "doc" into "Doc" this is the only time I noticed this mistake throughout this story, but with each and every typo noticed, a reader is more distracted from the story itself.

Also, I noticed that many of your dialogs didn't lead into the post dialog descriptor with a comma, instead completing the dialog and treating the descriptor as a separate sentence.

For Example:

“Hang in Jimbo.” He yelled in his friends ear.

These sentences technically works, but since your intent is to state that Doc yelled the quoted comment instead of the yelling being a separate, following action, it should instead be connected with a comma like this:

"Hang in, Jimbo," he yelled in his friend's ear.

--There is also a missed comma to address his friend with, and a missed apostrophe to indicate ownership in this example. I would suggest doing a quick punctuation check on this story to catch these minor mistakes.

Also, the line at the end about the stranger not being drunk enough to go home and sleep feels too cheesy for him to say out loud, maybe internally, but not out
loud. Why? Because it feels too cliche, saying that "Look at me, I'm a war vet who is suffering so much that I have to rely on alcohol to calm my emotions."
However, if slightly reworded and said internally, this can add emotional impact to stranger's painful memories.

My overall impression of this piece is that the war flashback was a nice story tale summary of a man's descent into disillusionment and dehumanization because of the Vietnam war. The pace was good, the narration clear and concise, though the majority of this piece seemed to lack any major attention to word use. Almost all of the descriptions were "tellings". I know this is a story being told orally by the stranger, but as a semi-legendary story teller at the bar, it seems that he should put more pizazz into his narration. Most of the sentences were flat statements.

Also, I have to point out that a story told by a mysterious old man that makes an impression upon a group of youths, only to find out that the old man had actually given a personal account is a frequently used cliche. This doesn't directly detract from a story's value, but it does mean that the intro was predictable and possibly dead weight on the rather marvelous historical fiction account that you have developed.

In the end, the fable-like tone of the war story was compelling, though often lacking emotional detail, and it made for an very entertaining read in spite of the cliched intro and epilogue. I would suggest editing vague descriptors, punctuating emotional moments with more intense description, and dropping the beginning/ending bar scenes.

In the end, it's all up to you what to do with your story. It's always wise to consider every review with skepticism. This was a very well put together story that hints strongly at your talent; all it needs is an editing run or two.

Best wishes,

Brandon Evans
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This was an awesome editorial. It really opened my eyes to the abundance of features this site offers. I haven't had to spend anything to enjoy all that this site has to offer. This is thanks to the generous community of WDC that paid for me to enjoy an upgraded account. And the exhaustive list of things that cost little or no GPs and the abundance of ways to earn them. This is an incredibly well made site that has given us the ability to do almost limitless things with our writing. In the short time I've been here, if found several dozen stories that were incredibly good reads that I got to read for Free.

An infinite thank you to you, Storymaster, for setting up such a wonderful community.
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Parts to consider revising:
we're found
set in our ways
it seems...
I can't quite put my finger on the reason, but this one line was the only line that felt funny as I read through this.

Rhythm: Very good flow.

Spelling: Didn't notice any errors.

Punctuation: The first use of a semi colon is questionable. "True love came calling" and "later in years" don't seem to be appropriate to separate with a semi colon because they're both part of the same independent clause.

Overall: A very touching poem about true love.
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Review of Look At Me  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The repetition in the beginning stanzas had a very nice effect. And the ending line was nicely twisted.

Spelling: Didn't see any problems but the period at the very end is out of place because of the intended absence of ending punctuations for the majority of the poem.

Rhythm: The sentences were smooth and easy to read aloud.

Overall: A nice take on the truth behind the false front of a smile.
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Review of Barely Breathing  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Wow, this is a masterful insight into the bipolar mind. The juxtaposition of the emotional highs and lows really fleshes out the "ebbing" tide of emotion that someone with bipolarity may feel. The descriptions of the feelings are really fleshed out. I enjoyed the frantic beat of these short and quick lines.

I want to laugh.
I want to weep.
I want to die.
I want to be normal.

This was my favorite section.

A stunning poem.
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Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Quickly adds story to favorites*

You have tainted the innocence of all of my holiday memories...and I liked it.

Not only is this a clever satire on several points of political mishaps, but the systematic degradation of all Christmas symbols made for an incredible funny piece.

You turned Santa into a terrorist and the north pole into a crime infested ghetto.

And the ending line with the leprechaun was priceless.
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Review of Carbonella's  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
He was sure the wife would understand. After all he only had three other shotguns…and none of them were Italian.

This sentence was genius.

This was an amusing read. The subtle obsession of the guys with the sports store, and their ending antics were quite amusing. I do think the guys' ability to name aisles was repeated once or twice too often.

Anyways, this is a fine piece of comedy and more than a worthwhile read.
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Review of Grab The Harpoon!  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice. Very clever. This stories title alone made me crack up. The beginning lines sounded so natural that they appeared to make sense, but when I read back, I was like "does that sentence really say that?" This was an extremely amusing, masterfully incoherent story.

A very.
Nice way.
Of making.
A point.
*Smile*
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Review of Mind Writer  Open in new Window.
Review by LuVen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. This was a fantastic read. Definitely going in my favorites. The main character's superiority complex is believable and fleshed out. The way he casually toys with other people's lives and justifies it as not evil is incredibly compelling. He is delightfully evil. I do wish that you'd describe the two other occurrences of his mind reading that are mentioned. This story is a masterfully written account of a man given perfect mental gifts who uses those gifts for his own selfish bidding.
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