Title/Description
Though I have no idea yet what “Ternion” is my interest is always snagged by nice, solid names like that for fantasy. Ternion rolls off the tongue rather nicely and immediately puts me into the fantasy mindset.
First Paragraph/Beginning
Not to seem harsh right off the bat, but your first paragraph really doesn’t hook me into your story immediately. It gives me a little bit of a cliche feel, especially with the first sentence. I’ve read many stories that start out with imagery of the sky with sun(s) beating down. It’s easy to start from the top, dramatically overlooking a vast wild land before panning in, much in the movie style. I think you’d actually do better to skip the first paragraph and zero right into the announcer. Without much editing you could easily slip in the information in the first paragraph throughout your prologue or even in other chapters which deal with Aura and Arc City.
Impressions as I Read
“The Arcane masters on either side of watched on with envy - the master of wind magics need never ask for quiet to be heard” - Just have a few comments on this bit. First of all I think you missed a word “on either side of watched” doesn’t make much sense without that extra word “him” or any other word choice to indicate what the point of reference is. Secondly, it seems to me that if you’re referring to “The Arcane masters” or “master of wind magics” there should be a bit more capitalization. If you’re referring to the person as the title they hold, it usually becomes capitalized in most cases. Keep in mind, I’m not an expert at these things, so feel free to look up the grammatical rules and tell me to shut up. I’d do so myself at the moment, but I have no internet access. I copied and pasted your chapters into a word document so that I could read and review while on a road trip for business. I hope you don’t mind and I will be deleting them from my hard drive as soon as I finish reviewing each chapter. My last point about this sentence is I don’t think that “ask” really needs to be in italics to get your point across, though this is just a matter of personal preference. I’m stingy on italics. haha
Awesome choice on the name Relik. I used to have a role play character with that name, though I used two L’s. It’s just a very rich sounding name, really a pleasure to say - rolls off the tongue. I’m delighted to see someone else who thought up the same name. Also - I’ve never read the name Melios anywhere but it rolls off the tongue just as smoothy. I maybe saying both those names all night, they’re so fun. Okay... so I may have a rather unhealthy obsession with how words sound.
“Except for the lone booth that held the revered masters, nobles and commoners would eat and drink side-by-side, and cheer as one to whatever end.” I’d say this sentence would make a little more sense with a dash or semicolon after the word “masters”. As it is now, I had to read it several times because it sounded like the masters, nobles and commoners were all in the same list of exceptions to the rule.
“Between the fighters and the walls where the crowed watched from above was an array of ruins.” I think this sentence could use some commas. It tends to kind of all run together.
“Of the seven magics taught within the Arcane University, it was a rare thing for an Arcane student to choose the path known as 'crystal magic' to be his only distinction of magic. For that same student to rise so quickly in the ranks, and move to become an arena contender was completely unheard of.” - A couple things here. Having magic so close together in the same sentence makes it sound a little repetitive. The second sentence bothers me a bit as well. I believe it’s something about how specific you become in this sentence on a line of thought that was more general before, without much in the way of transition to prepare the reader for the switch. I’m not sure if I’m really explaining myself very well on this one. If I’ve confused you with my ramblings, let me know and I’ll try and put it a different way.
“Though the clothes were made at expense, the choices he made in apparel seemed strange to the Arcane standard.” - I think you need the word “an” before “expense” in this sentence.
“Under the eyes of the Arcane University, and the great city of Arc, this fight will commence!” The announcer whispered. The exclamation point makes it seem like his voice would be louder than a whisper. It took me aback to find he whispered. Perhaps if he whispered intensely, excitedly ect.
“Melios took steps to make some distance and prepare a new attack.” - I’d suggest rephrasing this sentence in whatever way you’re comfortable with. It sounds very awkward with so many words to explain this simple action.
I do find it quite strange that Melios seems to be so hateful of Relik without much explanation as to why he would feel the need to finish the fight when forfeited and have no concern for what is going on in the stands. I know this may be explained later in the story, but right now in the prologue it makes the character seem very flat and one dimensional to me, where before he had a bit more life. He was competitive, but that’s understandable. Being murderous without motivation that is at least hinted at to the reader makes him less real, at least to me.
Ending
Well, obviously this is the beginning of a very intricate story. I like how you end the prologue with the birth of the child, which leaves the reader wondering right away whether the main character is going to be the father, the son or if they will share equally important main roles in the story. I loved the imagery of dreams burning - that was absolutely fantastic. You leave the reader at the beginning saddened, but with a sense of hope for the future of these two and a deep sense of respect for Relik who is able to push through his pain enough to focus on his child.
Final Thoughts
Overall I thought this was a very nice prologue. There is still some confusion in my mind about the world, but a reader expects that until getting deeper into the book. I’ll let you know as I progress through your stories if anything remains unclear through the story that seems important to understanding the universe you’ve created.
One thing I would suggest, is taking a little look at the battle scene and seeing if there is anywhere you can cut your sentences a little shorter. The descriptions you have are very vivid and give me a clear picture, but almost overwhelmingly so. I became so focused on the details you provided, that it lost momentum. I think that by describing the scene so vividly it loses something. I’d suggest using a little less detail and letting your reader use their imagination a little more. Your descriptions are wonderful, but I think they’re better suited to other types of scenes.
Please keep in mind that while it may seem like I was nitpicking during the bulk of my review, that’s a pretty good sign from me. I enjoyed this start to your story and I think it has some real potential. Your writing style is very descriptive and unique in voice from other things I’ve read. I think most of what you need is just the outside opinion of different people so you can find out how it flows in the minds of others who depend on the little things to indicate how the narration should sound.
Anyway, I look forward to reading and reviewing the rest of your story. It may take me a little while with my crazy schedule, but I aim to do it. :)
Thanks for sharing and Write On! |
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