\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lowell1836
Review Requests: OFF
52 Public Reviews Given
65 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thank you for posting “Self-Sufficient Man” to my forum. It’s a very tranquil tale. I admire your ability to incorporate an overwhelming sense of tranquility into this short story about nature. The description of Carl’s solitude and self-reliance is inspiring and lends a reflective quality to the tale. I enjoyed the storyline. I have a few comments about small details that I’ll post below.

Story Logic

Why is Carl’s dog named Ortfreed von Bittenburg II? I chuckled when I first saw the name and admired the creativity of it. However, as I read through the story, I couldn’t get an idea of how the dog came to get a name like that. I realize that it’s not a main theme of the story, but the name was unusual enough to pique my interest and I was a little disappointed that the reason for the name was never disclosed.

Another comment that I have concerns the description of Carl that’s included near the beginning of the story. Carl is first described as an “unusual looking man.” Then, in the next line, we learn that Carl has small “wisps of white hair” on his head and a full white beard. These traits didn’t strike me as really unusual since Carl is 83. The fact that he’s muscular is a little unusual given his age, but I’m not sure if, given this description, I’ll call him an unusual looking man. Is there something else about him that makes him look unusual?

Ah – I found it, I think. He wears a bright orange hat filled with pins from the various places to which he’s been. The bright orange hat wouldn’t be very unusual out in the woods – especially if it’s hunting season, but the pins are unusual. I’d recommend moving the reference to the pins and the orange hat closer to sentence describing Carl as an unusual looking man.

In the beginning of the story, we’re told that Carl loves the outdoors and goes there often to “get away.” However, later in the story, Carl seems unsure of what might lurk in the woods where he intends to go camping.

he had only an inkling as to what was lurking in the woods.

Given that Carl is a very self-sufficient (and experienced) outdoorsman, I had trouble believing that he wouldn’t know what might have been in those woods.

The last point that I’ll address is the title. There’s a hint of suspense at the end of your story when the team of men sets out to see if Carl is still alive. I’m not sure if this was intended, but, if so, the title gives away the outcome of the search. If he’s “self-sufficient,” the searchers are definitively going to find him alive.

{b|}Grammar
In this next sentence, I’d recommend changing “visits” to “visited” so that it matches with the other verb in the sentence, “tried”.

He always tried to collect a pin from every place he visits . . .

Conclusion
Thank you for posting “Self-Sufficient Man” to my forum. I enjoyed reading it. I hope that these comments will be useful. If you’d like me to take a look at a later version of this story, let me know. Good luck!
2
2
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, welcome to my forum! Thank you for posting “Twenty-two Sevenths.” This is a really imaginative piece with some deep symbolism. There’s also a hidden message; it’s hidden so well, in fact, that I couldn’t find it. That said, I’ll confess that I’m not really sure how to review this piece. I didn’t get the overall message so many of the story’s elements didn’t make sense to me. I’ll explain some of my confusion below. I’m sure that if I didn’t get it, other readers will have similar questions.

Regarding the overall purpose of this story, are you making a comment about the ambiguous sexuality of a popular songwriter and performer? Or, are you equating the way life works to some interpretation of Snap, Crackle, and Pop? I’m really confused.

As a story, though, this piece does have entertainment value. I was impressed by your imagination; it’s no small feat to pair Prince and a crash-test dummy in a tale of time-travel that whisks the pair away to a deserted US three hundred years from now. The interactions between the two keep me reading. The bizarre storyline was just as fascinating. But, in the end, I didn’t get the message. I enjoyed the journey, but never arrived at the destination.

Also, due to the references to sex and to the anatomical features of the two main characters, I’d recommend re-rating this as a 13+ story; a rating of “E” doesn’t seem appropriate.

Story Logic
Most of my comments about this piece will concern the logic of the story. These are the parts of the story that confused me. Since I didn’t find the point, I had to read this story literally. I’ll outline my confusions below and assume that other readers may have similar questions:

Just a small question about this next line:

The city jail of 10x10 encompasses only one occupant.

Is the size of the city jail itself only 10 ft. by 10 ft.? That’s really small. Or, are you referring to the size of the jail cell? Also, if the jail is this tiny, shouldn’t this be a town jail? What kind of a city would have such a small jail?

I also wanted to ask about this sequence of events.

His precious little red Corvette is leaving the driveway! To the burgundy velvet couch to start/finish the salad. 911?

The man sees his little red Corvette leaving the driveway and still continues to the couch to finish his fruit salad? I think that “911?” would have been the first thought to emerge in his mind.

In this next sentence, to whom did the call come? The police? That’s what I’d suspect, but there’s no mention of the police in the lines surrounding this one. As it reads now, it appears that the victim received the call. Also, “corvette” should be capitalized.

A call came in from “Anonymous” saying that someone named Pi took the corvette.

In this next passage, I feel like I’m missing something. I don’t understand why Prince would need the Corvette for its framework. What is a car’s framework? I’ve heard of the car’s frame before. Or, does the framework have nothing to do with the car at all? I’m confused.

What did Prince need with a car he would only cleverly ditch a few hours later? The framework of course!

Does this story involve time travel? How did we suddenly fast-forward 300 years to the year 2319? The story opens in South Dakota with Prince and a crash test dummy, refers to South Dakota, Corvettes, and Canada, and now, it’s 2319 and none of that exists anymore? I’m lost again – how did they get to 2319? Why did they go to 2319? Wait, is it 2319 or is it after 2319? Does it matter? Arrgghh . . .

Pi hurried to follow Coda, who was already speed-walking up to the hills. In the year 2319 the United States became barren.

As I read this next passage, I was reminded again that I was missing the big message. If it’s 2319 and the US is now barren and deserted, why would Snap, Crackle, and Pop be any more remembered (or important) than the figures now portrayed at Mount Rushmore? I feel as though you are making a statement about pop culture here, but I’m not understanding the message.

“Did you ever eat cereal? Pi nodded. “Well, Snap, Crackle, and Pop are who we are chiseling into the Black Hills.”

Story Flow
I got a little confused when I initially read across this next passage, where Coda is introduced. In the few short lines that precede it, we’ve already met Prince (who also goes by Pi) and a car theft victim who’s once been referred to as Mr. Chiquita. When this character, Coda, appeared, I didn’t initially understand that this was a new scene and a new character. I’d recommend better emphasizing the start of the new scene here; even a line break between the scenes would help.

Coda drove the speed limit, as everyone should. He wore a Red Sox baseball cap atop his head, blue jeans, and a faded black tee.

Sentence Flow
This next sentence would read more smoothly if the possessive pronoun preceding “operators” agreed with the direct object after “question”. I’d probably recommend changing “them” to “him” here.

This enabled his operators to question them after the automatic testing.

Grammar
“its” should be “it’s” in this next sentence:

”Now you know what its like before you crash.”

Conclusion
I hope that this review will give you some insights on what went through the mind of at least one reader of this story. I did enjoy this story, but I continually felt as though I was the odd man out on an inside joke. In the end, I just didn’t get it. I appreciate all the time and hard work that you’ve obviously invested into this tale and will be glad to re-review any later version of the story. If you’d like to explain to me the point that you’re trying to make, I’ll be glad to go back and look at this story again with that point in mind. Again, thank you for submitting this piece to my forum. Good luck!
3
3
Review of The Blind  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This is an interesting prologue to what could be a much longer short story or possibly a novel. Your writing reflects your vivid imagination and your impressive grasp of the English language – which is probably more impressive than most of your readership. As I read through, I got lost more than once on the complex descriptions of mundane objects and had to struggle back to find the storyline. The plot that you’ve begun to construct is both strong and captivating, but it’s been harmed by the complexity of the story’s telling. Without a dictionary, I didn’t know what a lot of the words meant. I don’t usually keep a dictionary handy when reading sci-fi; I’m pretty sure that most other readers don’t either. While your descriptions are complete and even poetic in places, I think that the complexity of the prose will alienate some of your readers and send them away in search of simpler sci-fi stories that require less of a time investment.

Mechanically, this story is written very well. The grammar, with the exception of very few incomplete sentences, is impeccable and the breadth of your vocabulary is truly impressive. But, therein lies the problem – many of the words in this piece were just beyond my ordinary reading vocabulary. In these places, I didn’t fully understand the storyline and, as a result, lost some of my interest in the story. As a reviewer, I persevered to the end; as a casual reader, I’m not sure I would have stayed past the first few paragraphs.

Description
The purpose of every review is to provide constructive criticism so that we all may improve as writers. It is with this hope that I have provided these examples below.

Some lines of this story read almost like poetry, or like the words of a Victorian-era writer. It’s quite an accomplishment to have integrated these skills into the writing of a sci-fi story, but I’m not sure that your target audience will fully appreciate your efforts. After all, they’ve reached your story while seeking out science fiction, not poetry or 19th century Victorian fiction.

Dusk: like a fire along the distant horizon afar from the depravity of civilization; withering away beneath the silver sea, mirroring the steel sky.

This sentence above is almost a beautiful sentence. However, “afar from the depravity of civilization” reads awkwardly. I think this sentence would have made more sense to me if it had read “far from . . .”. Also, “depravity of civilization” is almost, but not quite, bordering on the overly-verbose.

The thunderous and distinct sound of the metropolis, made by the human influx, the storming streets and superhighways, the personal and commercial jets overhead - it was what Angelo had become accustomed to, his ears adapting to the Pandemonium that was civilization.

We’ve all been to cities and know that they are busy, loud places. Your readers will expend a lot of effort in reading a sentence this complex; however, it seems to exist for the sole purpose of reinforcing the stereotypical image of a city - that’s already in your readers’ minds. What’s different about this city? What does this description add to the story?

Angelo’s face radiated with ivory warmth from the dusk, like a luminous radiance around his head, as he gazed at an unpretentious neon sign above himself.

There are a lot of adjectives in this piece. Some are good, but too many make a piece wordy. The first part of this sentence tells us that Angelo’s face radiates an ivory warmth. The second part compares this to “a luminous radiance”. This seems redundant. Also, I’m not sure if “unpretentious” adds a lot to the third part of the sentence. Lastly, “above himself” could probably be replaced by adding an “up” after the verb “gazed,” which appears earlier in the sentence.

Angelo began his way up the flight, still in the heedless promenade of his dampened state.


The sentence above would be a lot clearer if you removed everything after the comma. I don’t really understand what a “heedless promenade” is. I know a couple of meanings for promenade, but none seem to fit. I think the idea that he’s in a “dampened state” could probably be stated more concisely by replacing “began” with a stronger, more descriptive verb, e.g., trudged. . . .

Mirrored doors lined the mirrored walls. Angelo took a look at himself in one panel. Shifty images of his shell reflected back. He had flowing ebony hair, strewn all over his head in a youthful style. His face was callow, but lacked the aura of a youth, except it was cloudy in a tone of depression. The eyes, pocketed in a droopy pouch, expressed utter hollowness. He wore a long black windbreaker of tanned hide. It coated a white T-shirt, browned from the deleterious atmosphere that slowly killed the inhabitants of the city. His jeans were bleached and slack, the style of a few decades gone by.

The paragraph above reflects some effective use of description; there’s just so much of it that I became lost and wondered when the story was going to start again. What exactly does “shifty images of his shell reflected back” mean? Does this mean that the mirrors provided an uneven image? Or that Angelo is a shifty character – a little less than trustworthy? Also, I understand what you mean by “shell”, but . . . giving Angelo a shell makes me think of turtles, not main characters in sci-fi novels. There are other points in this excerpt where wordiness takes away from the overall power of the description. “In a youthful style” could be removed; flowing ebony hair implies youthfulness and this is reinforced by the verb “strewn.”

Some of your readers will read “tanned hide” and wonder why you didn’t just use the more recognized name for this material – leather. Also, “to coat something” can mean to cover something (like a t-shirt) with a coat, but the more usual use is “to cover or spread a finishing over something,” as in coating a table with varnish. Without a dictionary, I don’t know what “deleterious” means, and I usually don’t keep a dictionary handy when I read sci-fi.

Specific Questions

Behind Angelo, the sky reflected the dusk of April 2035.

This line, the first in the story, is an interesting way to show your audience what the date is, but how is the dusk of April 2035 any different than the dusk of April 2005 or of April 1975?

. . . between a Varcade and the abounding mass of stalls . . .

What is a varcade?

An affluent operation reflected in the scuffed concrete stairway.

I didn’t understand how an affluent operation could be reflected by concrete or how this concrete stairway would reflect the affluence of an operation? I didn’t understand whether you meant that the concrete had a reflective quality or whether concrete has become some sort of a precious commodity by 2035?

Tube lights ran around the roof, they wavered; mirror confined in a frame of light.

I understand what tube lights are and that florescent light will waver. This is a great image, but what does “mirror confined in a frame of light” mean?

Contiguously, Francis’ senses were substituted by Angelo’s.

What does contiguously mean? I know it can mean “adjacent”, but this doesn’t help me to understand this sentence either.

Dialogue
I have one last comment about the dialogue of your characters. Throughout the first two-thirds of this story, there’s no dialogue. This is fine because Angelo is alone and is trying to get to his destination. But, the vocabulary that’s used to describe the city, his thoughts, and his mission is scholarly and technical. Then, when he finally starts speaking, he sounds like an adolescent who’s just been arrested for truancy. This marked contrast between the dialogue of your characters and the narration of your piece startled me. Since the story seems to be told mostly from Angelo’s POV (point of view), I expected his dialogue to match the level of vocabulary shown in his narration. It doesn’t. I’d recommend re-writing the piece as if Angelo had told it or adapting the dialogue so that it sounds more like his narration. I really feel that the narration and dialogue should match.

Conclusion
Thank you for sharing this piece with me. I hope that this review will give you some ideas as you move forward with this story. You’ve got the beginnings of a strong plot and the ability to write some incredibly descriptive prose. Going forward, I’d recommend focusing more effort on the actual story and less effort on the description of the story’s setting. Good luck!
4
4
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi! Thank you for posting “The Wonderful Mr. Vampire” to my forum. I enjoyed reading and reviewing this story. I don’t have lots of experience with vampire stories, but this one held my interest. I appreciated the light tone of this piece.

I enjoyed the way in which this story began. Without “telling” the reader specifically, you’ve shown that this piece takes place recently by placing clues within the text of the story, e.g., Armani pants, power windows. You’ve even worked in the exact location of the story by placing a London Streetfinder in the possession of your vampire.

Sentence Structure
The sentence structure of the story is simple and easy-to-understand. The sentences flow together nicely. I had one comment about this sentence, however:

”Of course it wasn’t, but the vampire wasn’t concerned about him giving the driver bad directions . . .”

I would recommend removing the word “him”.

Setting/Description
The setting and description are well-done. Some readers may want more “blood and gore” in their vampire stories. I also noticed that you’ve tagged this as a “horror/scary” story. That genre too relies a lot on well-described violent scenes. That said, I did enjoy the fact that you left most of the gory stuff to the imagination of the reader. Then again, I don’t read lots of horror stories because I don’t like the gore. *Smile*

I did like the way that you ended the first scene:

The birds in nearby trees flew away in a hurry as the screams began.

This was just enough so that I knew what was happening, but not so much that I felt that a violent scene was being “forced down my throat”.

I did have a comment about this sentence, which is placed close to the beginning of the story:

He was walking toward the bloody sunset, his keen eyes searching for a number seventy-four.

When I first read this sentence, I thought that you were referring to a victim no. 74, and not a house no. 74. I guess I should have figured out that the vampire was walking down a street since you mentioned the cobblestone, but I missed it. It wasn’t until later that I realized that 74 was a house number.

In this next sentence, I really liked the term “counterfeit pity.” That’s really descriptive.

He gave a look of counterfeit pity for the melted couple in front of him.

Story Logic
I liked how you worked in a lot of the details about how vampires work by showing this to readers rather than just telling them. I really liked the repetition of the importance of the sense of smell. It made the vampire seem more animal, more driven by instinct. I’ve included a couple of examples below:

The strong scent of creamy human flesh
This house had the faint tang of a child
the suddenly vinegar smell in the atmosphere a telltale sign of an abrupt rise in adrenalin.

I did have a question that I wanted to pose. The vampire commits two murders in the day that we’ve had with him. The story implies that this is nothing new to him. I was wondering how the vampire disposes of the bodies. Where are the police? And how does the vampire cover his tracks so that he doesn’t get caught?

He uncapped it and carelessly tipped out the content on the boy’s face.

In the above excerpt, I was wondering why the vampire carelessly applies the fluids to the boy. They appear to be dearly expensive. Also, since he seems to make some sort of a living doing this, wouldn’t he be rather careful to maintain some sort of decorum in the ritual?

Story Flow
My favorite component of this piece is its flow. It’s light; it doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Despite its being “light”, you’ve successfully worked suspense into the journey of the vampire to 74 Tottenham and into the arrival of the once-dead boy the morning after the vampire leaves. In the first instance, I was very curious what the vampire’s purpose for the trip was; in the second instance, I was wondering what the boy would look and be like when he appeared the next morning, resurrected.

Which brings me to my next point. The story ends as a “ cliffhanger”! Arrgghh – I wanted to see what the boy looked like and just how different he would be. Frustrated curiosity aside, I really liked the ending. It made me want to look through your port to see if you had written a sequel. Also, the paragraphs right before the ending are suspenseful and creepy! I wanted to scream at the mother “turn around!”. Then, I read about the shuffling sounds and the cryptic “mmmummmy” . . . Creepy . . . And again, you’ve left the reader to imagine what the resurrected boy might look like. Nicely done *Smile*

Spelling
I noticed only two spelling mistakes while reading. “Quiet” should be “quite” and “what ever” should be one word.

The vampire had quietly sucked the juice out of the cemetery guard (quiet a fat one, too) and now felt quiet woozy.

Back from what ever place had mistakenly taken him.

Conclusion
Thanks for posting this story to my forum. I enjoyed its light tone and easy-to-follow story flow. I’m not much of a reader of horror/vampire stories, but I’d recommend that you consider adding a little more “blood and guts” to the story. Even without that though, I think you’ve got a good story here. I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
5
5
Review of Remember?  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []
Genres:
by A Guest Visitor


Thank you for posting this short story to my review forum. What a powerful, emotional piece! For those of us who have watched our loved ones suffer from Alzheimer’s or dementia, it is especially poignant. In this short story, you’ve effectively captured and portrayed the feelings of the elderly wife. Her voice is so convincing, so wistful – and very real!

Description
As I mentioned above, the voice and emotions of your narrator are very vivid. This is a unique piece and shows a lot of creative skill.

I have one comment about the following excerpt:

And our first argument. It's almost amusing to recall it now. On our way to the hotel we argued over which exit to take.. I thought it was 28A and you were convinced it was 26A.

This could stand “as-is”, but I thought that I’d go off on a tangent and mention this to you. As I read this excerpt, the exit numbers reminded me of modern highways and I thought: ‘that’s strange; this elderly couple had highways nearby when they were courting?’

The first interstate highways were made possible (in the US) by the signing of the Federal Aid Highway Act of 1956. Many, if not most, highways weren’t built until the 1960’s – which would probably fall after the courtship years of this elderly couple – which I figure to be between 1940 and 1950 – assuming that they are 85 today.

Story Flow
This story progresses so nicely. I enjoyed the retrospective look at the elderly couple’s life together. It’s effectively done and evokes a certain sadness in the reader. This sadness is compounded while reading the final scene.

Grammar
Just two minor points here:

It doesn't sound very smart,does it?

Instead of a comma, there should be a semicolon separating “smart” and “does”.

Oh my, I can recall our tenth anniversary like it was yesterday.

To be 100% grammatically correct in the sentence above, this contrary-to-fact statement should read: “as if it were yesterday.” Since this is written in the voice of an 85-year-old woman who is talking to her ailing husband, I’ll buy that she wasn’t concerned about this really small grammar point. *Wink*

Formatting
I like the paragraph structure of this piece. The non-traditional format in which the paragraphs are organized nicely resembles the thoughts of the woman as they come to her mind and as she relates them to her husband.

Conclusion
I’ve watched some of my loved ones suffer from Alzheimer’s; this piece stirred my emotions. It’s really well-written. Thank you for posting this to my forum. I hope that this review gives you some ideas.
6
6
Review of The Jacket  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []
Genres:
by A Guest Visitor


Hello and thank you for posting this short story to my forum! I remember seeing this prompt at the Cramp and being stumped as to how to develop it into a story within 24 hours. You not only met the challenge, but you also created an interesting story! I like the easy-to-understand voice in which this story is told. It’s easy reading; it’s fun; and it’s very creative. This was a joy to read.

There was one line that really made me chuckle and I thought: “now, isn’t that true to life?”

The two other shoppers nearby glared at him for using his cell phone inside the comfortable silence of the store.

This is a great line. This is a pet peeve shared by many among your audience. Working it so effectively into your story flow helps readers relate to your character and also more quickly believe your story. Getting readers to “buy into” your story early is especially important in the horror/thriller genre.

Genre/Reaction Evoked by Story
This piece is marked as horror, but I think it’s closer to suspense/thriller. For the entire time, I was wondering what was happening with that coat and what it would do to Sam. Through the story, I watched Sam morph from a normal guy to a possessed fiend. Although it was very suspenseful, it wasn’t especially scary - well, at least up until the very last sentence. I think that the actual horror would begin after the final scene in this story. Are you planning to expand the story, to show what happens when Sam meets Hilary? That would be the horror story. *Shock*

Description
I really admired the way that you portrayed Sam’s transformation in this piece. Sam starts off as a “typical guy” and then morphs into something entirely different after he discovers the coat. The end of this piece is particularly chilling.

You’ve also expertly worked in a good amount of foreshadowing into this piece. This is also especially effective in the horror genre. I’ve included below an example of foreshadowing that I found particularly effective:

The coat felt great on his body, warm and almost alive.

Sentence Structure
As I read, I came across a few sentences that were a little awkward. These detracted from my ability to focus on the action in the story.

He grabbed his keys from the hook on which hung on the wall next to the front door.

I’d recommend removing the bolded words in this sentence.

Thoughts of trepidation running through his mind . . .

Rather than telling the reader that Sam’s suffering from fearful thoughts, I think that this sentence would be stronger if you included here exactly what these thoughts were. Maybe something like: ‘Sam could see himself at the store, surrounded by seas of coats . . .” Well, horror’s not my forte, but it’s a start. *Wink*

. . . which was why Sam he waited until this day to go

This is more of a typo than anything else. You’ll want to remove either “Sam” or “he” from this sentence.

. . . to rip the jacket off of his body . . .

In this small excerpt, I’d recommend removing “of”.

Once again lost in the warmth and incredible joy of the comfort he felt, Sam finished his meal quickly.

Something about the wording of this sentence above seems awkward. I’d recommend re-wording this sentence something like this:

“Sam felt lost in the warmth and incredible joy of the coat and finished his meal quickly.”

Just then, a mall security guard interrupted escorting the protestors away, and in the process, returning the jacket.

This sentence above reads a bit awkwardly too. I’d recommend re-writing it something like:

‘Just then, a mall security guard interrupted and escorted the protestors away. In the process, he returned the jacket.’

Grammar/Spelling
I noticed a couple of spots in this story where “breathe” was used as a noun. “Breath” is the noun form of the verb “breathe”. In the two cases below, “breathe” should have been “breath”.

*Bullet*With a breathe that comes only from those who dread shopping

*Bullet*Taking another deep breathe

. . . the few days per week that he wasn’t working was spent with her . . .

Here’s a really small point. “The few days per week” is plural, so the verb in this sentence should be plural too. In other words, “was” should be “were”.

Conclusion
This is a well-written piece, but it’s really a thriller and not horror. It could be horror if you choose to add another scene past the ending. I’m not sure if I’d recommend this though, because I think the current ending is very effective.

Thank you for posting this to my forum! I enjoyed reading it. (Happy Almost B-Day!)
7
7
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Overall

I really enjoyed this piece. It’s well-planned, well-written and interesting. I especially liked the way in which you incorporated not only a description of the well and how it worked, but also an explanation of the relationship that people had with wells.

Genre Tag

I see that you’ve chosen “Experience” as the genre for this item. I’d like to recommend history, as well. As a reader and writer of historical fiction, I’m constantly looking for new sources that describe how things worked in the past. A lot of times, I’m forced to use my imagination because no one ever thought to record what something may have sounded like or smelled like; instead, they described only its purpose.

This piece really captures what it was like to have a well, to rely on the well for water and, most importantly, a family’s relationship with that well. And, it’s all done in a well-planned, well-written piece. It’s very interesting too!

I have a few comments regarding grammar:

Grammar

In this next sentence, “pole like” should be hyphenated.

a pole like structure

This next excerpt is really two or three sentences, not one.

Drilled wells used long skinny buckets, dug wells were much bigger and could accommodate an ordinary bucket, so could cisterns.

I’d recommend replacing the comma between “buckets” and “dug” with a period or semicolon. I’m not sure about “so could cisterns”. I’d recommend rewording this – maybe this phrase could be deleted with the information added to the following sentence, something like:

“Although they could accommodate ordinary buckets, cisterns were not ordinary wells . . .”

This next excerpt is a great conclusion. I’d only recommend changing the comma between “plumbing” and “yet” to a period. As it stands right now, this is a comma splice.

I like running water, baths and all the things made possible by modern plumbing, yet I am a little saddened that it made extinct the long skinny well bucket and its place among the many milestones of growing up.

Conclusion

I really enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more of your work. I hope that you’ll decide to write more items of this nature. This level of detail is hard-to-find. The fact that it is both interesting and well-written makes it all the rarer.

If you would like to learn how I create my reviews, please follow this link:

 Invalid Item Open in new Window. []
Genres:
by A Guest Visitor
8
8
Review of The Challenge  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I've always liked stories that take place in forests, away from urban settings. This is what first attracted me to this story. I was also attracted by the unique, not-often-seen idea of writing from the point of view (POV) of deer.

Overall

You've created a powerful, engaging opening scene. By the time I finished your first paragraph, my attention had been captured. My interest was held through the end of the tale.

Setting/Description
I really liked the way that you constructed the setting of this story - starting off with a tranquil, forest scene, introducing and effectively personifying Tamba of the Tall Pines, building suspense, and then providing a convincing and unexpected resolution.

My favorite paragraph was your first. One feature that I particularly enjoyed was the level of detail that you used in describing the forest setting, e.g., including even the different types of trees. This subtly adds to the "believability" of your story and will please the audience that will be attracted by the genre tags that you've chosen.

I also appreciated that you invested so much time and effort into creating the battle scene between Tamba and the old forest king. It's believable and justifies the time the reader had invested in reading the previous paragraphs. The following is an example of some great description in developing the battle scene:

"The old buck bore in upon Tamba not giving him a chance to recover. This rack, twelve perfect points to Tamba’s five . . .

Story Flow

As I read through the first paragraphs of the story, I stumbled a bit on the second paragraph, which is written using the present tense. This jarred my attention away from the tranquil scene that you had created. The first and third paragraphs, as well as the rest of the story, are written in past tense.

Another comment related to story flow would be that the POV in this tale seems to shift between that of Tamba, that of the adult buck and a detached, human narrator. In such a short tale in which you are trying to get the reader to identify with Tamba, seeing the scenes from the POV of other narrators seems to hinder the reader’s ability to fully identify with Tamba.

As I read, I stumbled a bit over these consecutive sentences:

"This gave Tamba a chance to regroup and consider his next move. Tamba did not have nearly enough time to form an adequate defense for the bigger buck was on him in a flash."

These two sentences seem to contradict each other. If Tamba has a chance to regroup and consider his next move, how did he then not have a chance to form an adequate defense?

Then, just after the above scene, I got a little confused as I read these sentences:

"This time he did not meet the big buck head on, rather, he circled him watching intently for an opening. There was no opening and soon Tamba was picking himself up off the ground.

Tamba doesn't meet the old forest king head-on, rather he circles and waits. The opening doesn't happen and Tamba was then on the ground. I think I understand the flow of action, but I think this scene would flow better if you included a phrase or sentence in which Tamba actually gets hit by the old forest king.

Sentence Flow

I noticed a couple of awkwardly-worded sentences as I read this piece. I've included them below:

"Though his neck lacked the girth of the true giants of his breed, he showed every sign of one day, reaching legendary proportions."

You could remove the comma between "day" and "reaching" or maybe try something like "he showed every sign that one day he would reach these legendary proportions."

"She had spotted Tamba and here large ears flicked in his direction curiously."

I originally got confused when I read this and just now realized that you meant "her" instead of "here".

"That strong spirit that enables young creatures of all kinds to feel themselves invincible when faced with overpowering odds as was Tamba."

This sentence reads a bit awkwardly. Maybe you could restructure it something like: "Tamba instantly felt that strong spirit . . ."

Spelling/Punctuation

"leaf covered" should be hyphenated.

"Tamba stood for a moment testing the wind, then, bowing to the powerful new urge, he stepped out of the covering of the forest and bounded across the small stream."

This is a great descriptive sentence that should really be two sentences. I'd recommend a period or semicolon between "wind" and "then".

"He landed in the open ground of the field and froze, only his ears moved as they strained in every direction to pick up the faintest hint of danger."

Same comment here as above. I'd recommend a period between "froze" and "only".

In this phrase, "falling flat of his face, "of" should be "on".

I hope that this review helps and that it gives you some ideas. I look forward to reading more of your work. Good Luck!
9
9
Review of Solid Ground  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed this first chapter of your story. It has the ability to be a stand-alone piece, yet also provides the reader with a setting and characters that could be developed into a longer story in later chapters.

My interest was pulled in immediately as I read your first line. It reflects the genre tags that you've selected, e.g., comedy, women's, in marketing your item and will help to attract your target audience.

Regarding the genre tags, I'd recommend choosing something other than "other" for your main tag. I might be wrong, but I think choosing a more descriptive genre tag will attract more readers.

I also really admire the effective hints of humor that have been incorporated into the text of the story. Not only did they help capture and maintain my interest, but they also made me chuckle as I read.

Nice job on this piece. I look forward to seeing more of your work. :)
10
10
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
What a powerful, engaging article! At the same time, the circumstances that you've described are very frustrating. I've heard stories very much like these from my friends in the health care/social services industries.

In addition to clearly describing your frustrations with the system, you also effectively show the reader a lot about you and the values that you hold dear.

I think that the content and layout of your article are great. Also, the examples that you provided are effective at detailing your arguments and at holding the reader's attention.

There was one question that I had after I finished reading. What's a "40hr assistant"? Is that the same as a full-time assistant?

I found a few grammatical errors while reading.

Your first sentence: "It started out so simple." In everyday usage, this is probably ok. However, since "simple" modifies "started", it's an adverb and should really be "simply". However, I'm not sure if "simply" sounds a little awkward. How about: "At first, it all seemed so simple."

Here's a small point:

"I had this idea that I wanted to help others that were less fortunate."

I think that ". . . to help others who" would sound better here since we're talking about people.

There are two instances where you use "premise" when I think you meant "premises".

- ". . . were supposed to be 2 or 3 staff members on the premise"

- "we were on the premise unauthorized"

I really like the way that you've written these next two sentences; it really emphasizes the connection between the two. However, a semicolon should seprate two independent clauses, not a comma.

"Some things were not being accomplished correctly, some things were not accomplished at all."

This next sentence is really two sentences. The "and" should be replaced by a period (or a semicolon).

"We counted pills during every shift to make sure and many times found that there were too many pills or not enough pills."

Overall, I think this is a powerful, effective article. Nice work!

Happy New Year!
11
11
Review of Deep Shade  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is such a powerful piece. It says so much and yet it's so subtle, so indirect. I really admire your skill at getting across your underlying message without overtly revealing it to the reader.

You've obviously put a lot of work and thought into this piece. I have only a few suggestions:

- Your mother's new husband is first introduced as Tod, and then is Ted.

- In the first sentence of this piece, you say that the "Deep shade of the Oleander shrub creates the illusion of coolness"; this sentence sounds a little awkward without a "the" as the first word.

There are a few cases of missing hypens in this piece. Here are a few examples of words that should be hypenated: well styled, self conscious.

Also, in the phrase "the sandy soil of the dessert along side . . .", "dessert" should be "desert" and "along side" is really one word (well, at least in American English; I know that you mentioned spending some time in NZ).

Again, nice work! I look forward to seeing more of your work. Happy Holidays!
12
12
Review of The Last Guardian  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I really enjoyed "Terminax," so much so, in fact, that I read it twice. When I first began reading it, I quickly fell into the trap that had been placed (very cleverly) by the author. I thought that I was reading a story about a group of humans in a far-off, apocalyptic future who were hiding in a cave from hoards of scary, evil aliens. I think I've got the identity of the actual characters figured out, but I won't post it here - for fear of spoiling this piece for others :)

The only comments that I can offer seem petty and, even with these concerns, I'm still going to award a 5 to this piece. I'd recommend adding some hypens between a few words, e.g., "so-called", "life-giving", "ever-haunting", and "ever-deadly".

Happy Holidays!
13
13
Review of Across the Room  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
MisLexiToe,

I liked this piece. I'm not far removed from the dating scene and recall all those events, all those parties at which I hoped that that someone would approach me from across the room or that I could get the courage to approach that someone. I think that this poem accurately captures that feeling of the "missed chance" and the frustration that one feels with oneself at having missed it.

Nice work - 5.0 :) Happy Holidays :)
14
14
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
The flow of this piece is graceful, hypnotic and simulates well the movement of a canoe along a tranquil river's surface. This is a nice cross between an essay and poetry. It's very descriptive.

To improve the flow, I offer the following suggestions:

In paragragh 2, I think the the second sentence would flow better if it started "He pulls in the paddle . . ."

Sentence 3 in paragraph 3:

". . . are other canoe's around but he sees them not."

'Sees them not' is an archaic construction and makes the reader focus more on your wording than on the image that you are trying to create. I'd recommend changing this to ". . . but he doesn't see them."

Also, the plural form of canoe is "canoes." "Canoe's" with the apostrophe is possessive.

In your second-to-last paragraph, you've got a sentence that reads: "How beautiful the colors it turns the sky when the sun is setting." To improve the flow of your work, I'd recommend re-wording this sentence.

In the same paragraph, you need to change "The differnt hues . . ." to "The different hues . . ."

In the last two paragraphs, I'd recommend changing these two sentences to improve the flow of this work.

"Before he knows it, the sun is starting its set"

"With the sun finishing it's set"

If you'd like to personify the sun, maybe you could refer to the "sun completing his descent into dusk. . ." of something along those lines. I don't think "set" is the right word here.

One last comment about flow. I'm not sure if this was intended, but you switch from third-person (he) to second-person (you) somewhat abruptly towards the end of this story. I think you may want to stick with the third-person viewpoint so that the reader can concentrate more easily on the image.

This piece shows a lot of promise. I look forward to seeing the finished version. Good luck!
15
15
Review of Visits Matter  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I enjoyed this article and would have loved to have seen it in the newsletter at my grandmother's nursing home when she was suffering with dementia.

Your central message is very strong and is effectively reinforced by your examples. Your final paragraph pulls everything together nicely, as well.

The tone and scope of the piece are appropriate too. Your audience, visitors to a nursing home, will appreciate the confident, experienced voice in which this is written. At the same time, the essay has no health-care industry jargon at all and is very friendly to the reader who knows little about these diseases.

I think that your content is great! I have one question relating to this material, but I think it falls outside the scope of your article. Maybe you could consider it for a future article.

What is the difference between Alzheimer's and dementia?

I will offer a few comments on sentence structure. You have many compound sentences in this article; a few of them are run-on sentences and should be divided with a period. This will improve the "readability" of the piece and help the reader focus more on what you are saying rather than how it is said.

A few examples:

I would break up these sentence into smaller sentences:

Paragraph 3: At times, she gets frustrated with those around her and at times, she sits on one of the chairs in the commons area, her eyes red and puffy, and cries because she misses her family.

Paragraph 5: He has had to learn the hard way that not everyone who has claimed to be on his side, actually was, and so he is not cooperative when he doesn’t understand perfectly why someone wants him to do one thing or another.

Your second sentence in your first paragraph could benefit from being restructured so that it flows better. How about something like:

Do you ever find yourself thinking that your loved one who has Alzheimer’s or dementia will not be able to appreciate your visit?

I'd like to point out some very minor grammatical points too:

In the last sentence of paragraph 3: This should read ". . . names of her children . . ."

In the last sentence of paragraph 6: This is a contrary-to-fact statement and should read:

". . . if she weren't receiving the regular visits from her husband and other family members."

I enjoyed this article a lot. When my grandmother was suffering with dementia, she didn't always recognize me and I often wondered if my visits made a difference. This article shows that they did. Thank you and happy holidays!

One last positive comment: I really liked that analogy you made between visiting Alzheimer's/Dementia patients and visiting children at camp. It really helps to drive your point home. :)
16
16
Review of Item Statistics  Open in new Window.
Review by Twi Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi! I'm a new writing.com member with only a basic membersip. Therefore, I was very interested in reading this explanation of writing.com's extended statistics system.

This explanation answered all of my questions about the system. I found the sample statistics sheet particularly especially since I don't have access to this feature with my current membership level.

I like the explanation's layout a lot. Since I had no prior knowledge of the system, all of this information could have been quite overwhelming. However, the bolded titles on each subsection allowed the reader to quickly identify the information that is relevant to his query.

The tone is just right - friendly and informative, not stuffy at all.

I have one general suggestion for the statistics system. I really like the fact that this feature would allow me to identify and understand my readership, but how can I compare this information to the overall readership of writing.com?

I think that this information would be useful. To use the example statistics, if I know that the largest part of my readership is 18- to 24-year-old single females, how do I know if that is a result of my writing style or topic choice or if that is a result of the majority of readers on writing.com being 18- to 24-year-old single females?

Hope that this review is useful. Feel free to contact me with questions or for clarification.
16 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lowell1836