Seriously? That's an awesome way to end it. Always leaving the reader to want more. Putting aside the lack of punctuation and capitalization, I really liked it and I really want to know more. We those boys possessed? Was that a Soulless riding in the little red car? I really can't wait to read more. Just so you know, in your description of this piece you referred to your character as a he not a she. I got a little curious to why some dude was sitting through a female puberty class before I realized it was a girl speaking, lol.
I really enjoyed this piece! It starts off so intense in the beginning that you are instantly immersed into the story. The story flowed and the detail was enough that I could see it all happening in my mind as I read. And what a wonderful twist in the end! I didn't see that coming at all. Good job! However, there were a few sentences that made me stumble and have to go back to reread them. This is just my opinion, of course, but here are some that I caught:
"He pressed his opposite hand into his wounded throbbing shoulder and peered around." In my opinion, I think the word "wounded" should be left out. I think it flows better without it.
"So much and so many lives depended on his reaching his destination alive." This sentence tripped me up a bit. Perhaps rewording it will make it an easier read.
"A movement or a noise, which he was not certain, brought his attention around to his left." This one confused me as well. Maybe use "A movement or a noise, he was not certain which, brought his attention around to his left." ?
I hope this review has been helpful to you. Again, I really enjoyed this piece and I can't wait read more about William. Keep up the good work :)
I really enjoyed this story! The way it was written I could just envision Shaharazad sitting there beside the king and spinning this tale. And, of course, each of her stories had very good moral to them like this one. I was very intrigued by the story itself. I disliked Zalimun almost immediately and I felt bad for Muhsin because he kept losing everything he owned though he was the most kind hearted of the two. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the king had been watching the two by pretending to be peasants in need so that he knew who was truly serving in his name. Over all, I think you did a great job. (Too bad Zalimun loses his head, though)
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lovelyfantasy
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 7:16pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
