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38 Public Reviews Given
38 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of James Fainted  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
What an endearing story! It brought a smile to my face. Well-written, too.

Congratulations on your win!
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Review of Faint Voices  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Very good suspense. I wanted to read on. There is a very valuable lesson in your story, presented in an original way.

Be careful with punctuation. For example, punctuation at the end of dialogue goes inside the quotation marks.

Be consistent. Sometimes you have quotation marks around Alex's dialogue, and sometimes you do not. Better to put it all in quotation marks.

In the last paragraph, instead of explaining to the reader what the story is about, just show your characters in action.

Keep on writing!
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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You are a thinking girl and I love it! Many great insights presented here. Your essay is well organized and mostly well-written, with only a few minor structural issues.

Topic sentence:

Femininity versus masculinity is an ongoing battle between males and females.

Proofread, reading out loud, to catch errors. For example:

simply because the men who are lowering the power and greatness of women

You should definitely keep on writing. You have much to contribute.
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Review of Cloe  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
A good effort, with some good story-telling. But mostly you tell us what happened, instead of describing the action as it happened. And some dialogue would have helped.

You misspell your main character's name. Is it Chloe or Cloe? Both are used.

Be consistent in your verb tense. For example, in the second sentence, you begin with past tense then switch to present tense. You also repeat the word "woman". Try to avoid repetitions. It should be:

She was a quiet, loving and reliable woman, but she was also mysterious and curious.

Sentences start with capitals and end with periods.

Commas come right after the word. There should be no space.

It might help if you proofread, reading out loud, to catch errors.

Keep on writing!




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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
You are a good story-teller and this is mostly well written.

A couple of things:

- "too much" is misused in the first sentence.
- use periods to end sentences, not commas
- proofread by reading out loud to yourself. Some of your sentences are structured poorly.

Here's the first bit restructured:

At the end of the 30th century, advanced technology made space travel possible. NASA developed a spacecraft that would allow travel from one planet to another, quickly and efficiently. The only problem detected by scientists were ice storms within TATUIN orbit that would cool everything in their path.

NASA experimented with test trips to determine if their ships were capable of passing through the storms. However, all the trips were in vain. The ships froze instantly, and the trail lost after that.

One day, in a town in Alaska, a scientist named Fry developed a ship capable of traveling at the speed of light. With his great knowledge and intelligence, he developed a powerful ship that traveled in a matter of seconds from one world to another.


Good writing takes practice. Continue to hone your skill!
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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is mostly well-written. It is apparent that you are a story-teller, and a good writer. We are right there with Lucinda.

I am wondering why you didn't name her from the outset? It becomes confusing to only be given her name well into the story. At first, the reader is not sure if we are talking about the same person.

Structurally, it's sound, but there are way too many sentences that begin with "she". Consider the first paragraph. Every sentence begins with "she." Better that you mix it up a bit:

Lucinda reached for the clock on the bedside table and silenced the alarm pealing like claps of thunder. Anger rose from her throat, and she hissed. A disgusting swear word sounded, loudly. Irritated at the intrusion into her sleep, she turned and faced the wall, annoyed at waking up at the ungodly hour of midnight. Yawning, she pressed her hand to her throat. It was warm and scratchy. A cough came suddenly, and repeatedly, and dislodged a horrid substance in her throat.

Also, it's best to break up many paragraphs of prose with some dialogue and action.

Thanks for sharing your writing!
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Review of The Mood  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a very well-written piece, honest and emotional. It reads like a journal entry. Keeping a journal is a very good thing to do to get in touch with yourself.

I am sorry you are struggling with bipolar disorder. It's certainly more than mere "moods". It does sound like you have support, which of course is vital. Lean on others and know you are not alone.

The organization of your writing and sentence structure is good. Don't forget to capitalize I.

Thank you for sharing. Keep on writing! Maybe, try a fictional story.
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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very sweet story! Suzie is one smart cookie!

Very well written and organized. No spelling or punctuation or structure errors. Very well put together.

I especially liked the poems.

Congratulations on your win. It is well deserved.
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Review of Mittens  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
This little story shows good imagination, but formatting is poor.

You must take more care with your sentence structure. Avoid run-on sentences. Use periods to end sentences. Capitalize the beginning of a new sentence. Leave a space between sentences.

You should only use one verb tense. Do not switch between present and past tense. It is confusing for the reader.

Leave a blank white line in between paragraphs by hitting "enter" at the end of each paragraph.

For example, your first few sentences:

In a distant city there is a dog named Mittens. Brave, tender, playful and strong, she has superpowers, both the ability to move objects and the power of invisibility.

Martina is a quiet, loving young woman. The owner of Mittens, she loves animals. However, Martina has no idea of her dog's powers. Suddenly one afternoon, Mittens is kidnapped by Mr. Miller, a cruel, lonely and stubborn man who does not like animals. Cleverly, he arranged the kidnapping by adding a substance to her food, in order to trap and torture her. He also possesses a power of control which not all of Mittens powers could (you need a word here) against him.




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Review of I Am Just...  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
You may be only a child, but you have a voice, and I thank you for sharing it.

That you want to make the world a better place is highly commendable. I'm sorry the imperfections of this world have already touched your life.

Poetry is a good outlet for you. Your poem is lovely and touching.

And very well-written. It evokes emotion, which is what the best writing does.
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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have a good imagination! Not bad writing, but several things jump out:

Numbers should be spelled out, and the title capitalized: The Palace of the Three Doors

Capitalize names: Spark

Use periods to end sentences, not commas. And don't make sentences too long.

Leave a blank white line in between paragraphs. (Hit enter at the end of each paragraph.) One big huge block of text is too hard to read.

Include some dialogue.

Describe action as it happens, instead of just telling the reader what happened.

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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A nice little original piece, with a good message. Mostly well-written.

But you begin in third person (he) and then switch to first person (I) and it is very confusing how you switch back and forth between third person POV and first person POV.

Please have a look at this webpage:
https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/poin...

Also, many reviewers when they open this item will be scared off when they see the big huge block of text. It is hard to read. It is better to edit it by leaving one blank line in between paragraphs, by hitting enter at the end of each paragraph.
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Review of Sara  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I can tell by reading this you are a people-person, and you have done a great job of capturing Brenda. It reads as a tribute.

It is well-written and detailed just right. You do have a talent for writing. And any writer must always be interested in people!

I'm sorry to say some reviewers might be scared off when they open this item and see a big huge block of text. Please take the time to edit and click enter at the end of each paragraph to leave a blank line in between paragraphs. It makes it so much easier to read with the white space.
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Review of The Mirror 2  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
You are a writer. You have a writer's instincts. You put your whole self on the page.

One of the most important things about a good piece of writing is that it evokes emotion, and yours surely does. A good piece of writing must infect the reader with feeling, and yours surely does. And it says something important about the human condition.

And there is a really pleasant rhythm and flow to your writing.

Just a note - take care with punctuation and spelling. I noticed a couple of mistakes.
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Review of Thoughts  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow what a powerful piece of writing. It captures exquisitely a tortured mind. The rhythm and pace of it is perfect. Captivating.

This is an outstanding example of the "show, don't tell" technique.

I am sorry it ends with such a note of desperation.

You are a very good writer.



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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
The emotion comes through in this little piece. It is mostly well-written. But it is more of a situation than a story.

Even though it is flash fiction, there's got to be some sort of resolution at the end. Possibly something happening to show a change in the main character. There's no real main character arc in this story.

But you are definitely a writer.

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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The emotions and desperation come through clearly in this well-written poem. You have captured something vital. It reads honest. The best poems are honest.

So did this person swim again?

It needs punctuation, though, to assist the reader, with rhythm and pace.
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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
That was a wonderful read. Well written. Very original. You have a way with words. Good rhythm and pace and it was easy to read.

As far as a story, though, it was all "tell". Not enough "show". Describe what happens in the moment, as it is happening. Include some dialogue.

"Show, don't tell" is an important writing technique.

Read about it here: https://blog.reedsy.com/show-dont-tell/
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Review of My Brain  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Thank you so much for sharing. You sound like a remarkable person. You express yourself well, with real writing talent and great insight. It sounds like you have a good handle on things.

I am sorry your family is not comfortable talking about your sister. But writing can be your outlet.

Very glad that you are relying on your sense of humour to make some sense of this ridiculous world we find ourselves in.

And how wonderful to find a boyfriend who accepts you for who you are. And doubly wonderful that you accept yourself for who you are.

Just a note about formatting. Such a large block of text with no white space will overwhelm a lot of readers. This piece needs to be put into shorter paragraphs, with a white line in between each paragraph (press enter at the end of each paragraph) or else a lot of reviewers will not take the time to read this. It's too difficult to read. And I believe this piece should be read by as many as possible.

And in formal writing, capitalize I and don't leave out apostrophes, for example - don't and wouldn't

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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
You are a writer. You have a way with words. This flows and evokes emotion. You have something important to say. I quite enjoyed reading it. I think you have a natural talent.

It would have made a bigger impact had you gone to the trouble to properly format, i.e. capitalization, etc. It's just lazy not to, and it isn't fair to your reviewers.

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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your writing reveals that you are a deep thinker with questions, and have something important to say. You are reflecting on the human condition, and human nature, and to me these are the most important things we can write about.

Mostly, your writing is good. The first paragraph is a little long. Might be a good idea to break it up into two paragraphs, for better readability.

Also, your opening about the Universe is a little inaccurate and confusing. The Universe is not the use of existence, it is all of existence. And the Universe is not bright, starlight, condensed matter but all energy and matter, some of it dark.

And I don't know what you mean by "matter of energy". Everything that exists everywhere is either matter or energy.

A little bit of research about what makes up the Universe would have been helpful, if you are going to write about it.

Keep on writing!
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Review of A story  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is not a story. It is a stream of consciousness. Or possibly an essay. A story must include some elements, like setting, character, conflict and resolution.

Do some research. Start by reading this article:

https://www.masterclass.com/articles/complete-guid...

Your paragraphs are too long. Break it up into smaller readable pieces. And leave a white blank space in between paragraphs to increase readability.

But it is apparent you have something to say. Keep on writing.

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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Yes, keep writing. Good writing evokes emotion, and that is what your writing does. You have something to say and you should say it. You are good with words.

Try writing a story. Do some research on story-writing format. A good story includes a setting, characters, a conflict and a resolution.

There are many good story-writing contests on this website. Investigate them.

Start here with this webpage:

https://www.masterclass.com/articles/complete-guid...

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Review of Death  Open in new Window.
Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
Always an interesting topic. Not sure anything too new is added here.

I do like that it was written from the POV of God. Lends itself to more insight and creativity. Would have been interesting if you had got more inside the head of God. That's the beauty of 1st person POV.

Difficult to read because of the block nature of the text. Know when to begin new paragraphs.

You need to brush up on how to format dialogue in a story. Please read the following article.

https://www.masterclass.com/articles/how-to-format...

Keep writing! You are definitely have something to say.

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Review by LouLearning Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Good build up of suspense! But I am not sure what this little story is about.

I like the POV speaking directly to the reader. Works well here.

A couple of mentions:

Roman is capitalized.

How do you "hold a craving to eat"?

End sentences with a period instead of a semi-colon.
...in a near 24 hours. You approach the kitchen....

Omit unnecessary words to increase readability.
...the sense of hunger and playfulness turned to dread and panic...

Thanks for sharing!
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