Hi, my name is Louis. Please be aware that this review is based solely on my own opinion. Please understand that my review is not cast in stone, and is merely here to guide you in your writing.
ABout this STory
I was drawn to this piece because of the title. The Black Cape and Top Hat. It holds innuendos of darkness and Jack the Ripper. Little did I realise before I started reading, that the similarities are strong. In a nutshell, this story tells of a man who is haunted by the death of his best friend when he was a young lad, either by dogs, or a person in a Dark Cape and Top Hat.
General
The story is well written and polished. It is by nature, a fast paced read and you have been true to that principle in order to engage the reader and invoke in him an emotional response.
POV
POV is omniscient, and well written to capture Corry's scene, then the discussion between Ben and his wife, and the meeting with the man in the Dark Cape and Top Hat, and eventually, Ben's own mauling. The POV, I feel, is consistent and appropriate for the tale.
Settings
The settings include graphic descriptions of Correy's death, as well as Ben's death. However, I felt that there could have been a little more even though I could vizualize the incidents. The discussion between Ben and his wife takes place over breakfast and the scene where he meets the killer is also quite vivid.
Characters
The characters are well known to you, as the writer. You don't really describe Ben and Mindy. However, the way they speak and act are enough of a description for me to know that they are middle aged, that Ben is a cop so he must be law abiding. It made me think that he became a cop in order to solve this case. When I read a story, I don't want to read about just any somebody, I want to read about an interesting somebody and Ben is interesting because you have given him a major problem. Viz., the vision. How will he cope? How will he react? All of his actions must relate to this man in the Dark Cape and Top Hat. And the killer is as homo fictus should be; larger than life and larger with everything. The fact that he rips his victims, and that he appears only as a shadow at times, is also large in my eyes.
Dialogue
Dialogue ius used to describe characters and ultimately to move the story on. You have used tags well, and you certainly don't overdo it, I have seen many a writer overdo dialogue tags and it spoils and even halts the flow of the piece. Yours was well paced, therefore the dialogue would be well paced and thought out too.
Mechanics:
The story works well because you have taken the nature of a short story and used it's natural brevity to capture what could have been written in over two or three chapters. The brevity of short stories meaning that there is only room for one plot really, whereas a novel might have several subplots. Alsao, with the short story comes brevity of character. You must describe the character by using one aspect instead of a dozen smaller aspects. You did this well.
The Hook:
The first line should have contained a hook, but sadly it didn't, however, by the end of the first scene I was hooked through the dialogue. I felt that the hook could have been stronger.
Before I go onto a line by line commentary: I would like to say that some of the story could have been SHOWN a lot more than simply telling. Especially the scene that begins: "When Ben was seven years old he witnessed a terrible sight...when really they don’t." I felt this scene could have been expounded on with more weight. I didn't feel involved. I was like an outsider, where I would have liked to have been on the inside.
I loved the line that ends...he continued, baring a mouthful of long, yellow pointed teeth, “your imagination.” For me, this was the crux, the entire point of the story. Imagination can kill, imagination can live. Imagination can create its own life.
A couple of line by line gremlins:
“A dream?” Mindy asked. (no tag required)
And since they didn’t, he did. (this line is not required)
He was sure it had to be Corey, but it looked too big to be Corey. (no need to use Corey's name twice)
But Corey didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. Would never answer. (Loved this)
The seven-year old’s body had been violently ripped apart, his blood still dripping (delete STILL)
When Ben finished his story, sans the gory details, Mindy just shook her head. (Delete JUST)
He was trying to think (WAS TRYING why not TRIED).
All in all a great little story. I thoroughly enjoyed it
Thank You
Respect
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