So I love the theme and the ideas in this poem-- and when I say that, I actually do feel like this could be one of my favorite poems I've read on this site. You've got a pretty basic (but honestly strong and there's nothing wrong with simplicity in this) rhyme scheme, and you've got that worked out really nicely. The one time it seems you're dancing through a hoop, as it were, to make it rhyme is in the third line-- and when you're going for the strength of repetition, that's something you want to avoid doing.
Your poem relies on simplicity in its meter and rhyme, and a very natural rhythm for the reader if they were to say it out loud. The first stanza is pretty much iambic, and there are a few scattered lines after it that stay in the same meter. Your problem is consistency with that, and it throws the whole thing a little of balance; your third stanza's lines have the same number of syllables, but the accents fall on different syllables than they do in the first, and the second stanza's different from the other two as well. If this were purposeful, then I'd be interested in why you made that choice, artistically, but I have the feeling it's not.
I would suggest reading this out loud and beating the rhythm on your chest or a desk or something that will let you get the feel of when the accents fall. I'd also recommend looking at the second to last line of the first stanza, where you break the pattern that you follow for the rest of the poem. I understand that you've got to make it fit in meter and rhyme, but dropping the I've and putting 'been' there instead is disconcerting for the reader.
With a couple of tweaks, though, I'm seeing an excellent piece here. Keep up the good work. :)
You've got some serious grammar to look over here. The first thing you've got to look out for are comma splices, a situation where you've got two complete thoughts separated by just a comma. For instance: "Life hasn't always been easy, not that I'm complaining or anything, everyone has rough spots." is a comma splice, as "life hasn't always been easy," and "everyone has rough spots" are both independent clauses, joined only by a comma. Also, make sure you're ending your questions with a question mark, like "Oh, sorry-- I'm ranting, aren't I?" would be the proper way to punctuate that sentence.
This is wonderful-- the composition, the use of homonym, the theme, I love it all. The only thing I can think of to improve this would be to change "and chill us to the soul" to "and chill us to the bone" or something like that, just so that you don't ruin your effect at the end. The lonely sole/ lonely soul thing is what I'm assuming you're going for, and the word play makes me so happy. Very, very nice.
This is a super promising start to your (I assume to be) novel! The world building seems solid and your exposition is carried across gracefully instead of in lumps like fantasy is wont to do. There are a couple instances where the grammar isn't quite right, or the world choice could be a little more appropriate to the situation, though. I think what you need to focus on here is finding your voice and sticking with one tone, you know? I love the idea of following a prescient child through their lives from birth, and I loved the balancing of childishness with the mature voice when they were first born. It looks interesting!
This has the interesting aspect of being told like a fairy tale, or a folktale, which I definitely like. It's a hard voice to capture, and though I think you've done a pretty good job of it, I think you need to work with what sounds casual and what would be in a story like this. It depends on what effect you're going for, but you've got a lot of colloquial phrases like "from the word go" that break the illusion that fantasy casts. Also, watch that you're using commas in dialogue and in general correctly. Try reading up on some of the grammar rules governing commas, and then reread the story.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lorwell
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.12 seconds at 3:41pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "