Sometimes, repetition works and really re-enforces your work and makes it more potent and more interesting. This was not the case here. 'A Sad Faced Clown' got so redudant after the first two times you said it and the poem was so jumbled and badly punctuated that I had a hard time even reading it.
In the first line "Tears, cascading down" there shouldn't be a comma. And the way you phrased it made it sound like the tears were going all the way down his body, which I'm sure is not what you meant. I think you might've meant "Tears streaming [which is a better word in this context] down the sad face of a clown."
Why did you saw 'a smile upside down' instead of saying frown (clown rhymes with frown.) I found that your constant repetition of the word 'down' made your poem unimaginative, and hard to swallow.
The next two lines 'so alone, feeling down' and 'once loved, now cast down' are fine. But there are SO many words that rhyme with clown: frown, town, brown.. you have so many to choose from. Go for it. Go wild with your writing.
'Time stopped, clocks run down' does not mean anything. I see where you're going (the clock's running backwards?) 'run down' means used and shoddy, but I'm sure this isn't what you meant.
In the last line you say 'I' -- are you the sad clown? And if so, since you're dead, how are writing this poem? And why did you use the third person until the last line? You don't say 'top down' about a casket, you say a casket is closed.
A suggestion for the last line would be "Goodbye to the sad faced clown." Gone just doesn't sound right.
All in all a very weak poem that needs a lot of work and revising to be salvaged.
Hey Maddie, it is I. I'm leaving you an actual comment that isn't: "OMFG. You whore. I love this." Even thought that totally came from the heart.
I really loved this, I just thought I'd tell you once more. It's your best work so far. It made me laugh and go: "Godfreakingdamnit I wish I'd written that!" I mean, I can relate. It was witty, clever and homosexual and substance addicted memoirist to the max. Pardon the horrid expression of "to the max."
I'm trying to decide on one part of your story that I liked over all, but it's tough. I'm gonna have to say that it's the bit about the teacher. I could actually see myself in your shoes
Very good.
Something that made me cringe was the word "crap." I dunno why. I can deal with f***, s***, asshole, cunt and all of that, but "crap" just sounds so ick. I never use the word crap, because I'm a very dramatic speaker and "crap" just doesn't have enough...
Hey Mads, t'is I. I've decided to read this for the fourth time, because I'm just like that. I laughed, again. I seriously think this is hysterical.
I just have a few things to say. First of the expression "universal 'children making you miserable' tune." It just rubs me the wrong way. I can't explain but it just pokes me. If I were to say it, I'd say it: "These three words, chanted over and over to the caustic, mocking tune that children worldwide have adopted became the bane of my eight-year-old existence." I'm not you, I can't tell you what to write, it's just a suggestion.
Another thing is that in some places you shold omit words, or make your sentences a bit more trim.
Example: "I paid little attention to the housekeeper, since I was nearly permanently glued to the cook's side." It's like saying: "I was eight years of age" instead of "I was eight years old." Omitting words is crucial to success of your piece. Luckily, you're gifted with talented, you just need to pay more attention to where you can get rid of excess words.
That wasn't funny at all. It was cruel and mislabeled. You should be ashamed for thinking that something like that is even funny in the first place.
Oh, look, 158 people died, how uproarious!
Well, as insulted as I am that this is under "comedy" I must say that you did do well in describing the accident. Most of the time it's extremely difficult describing actions sequences (fights, accidents, crashes, wars...) but you pulled it off admirably and for that I must salute you.
Just make sure that next time you don't put something this awful under comedy. It's not exactly the right classification ;)
I just recognized you. At first I thought I'd recognized your style, then I remembered! You were the girl who translated all of her father-isms. I remember thanks to the expression "mark that down in your little daybook."
How funny.
Anywho, it was cute. I liked that you ran with the same theme for so long. It was as if the men in your life were totally disposable. Like cameras that you get from behind the counter in a pharmacy. Most women take that as a hint from destiny, but not you, you're fine with your husbands shifting constantly, you seem to enjoy the ride.
A fun read and a new perspective on something that is much too obsessed over.
Yes, clichés are pesky. You always think you're writing something fresh, new, innovative and provocative, when you're really writing something that's already been written a thousand times. The key is to remember that EVERYTHING has been written. We've had thousands of years to explore everything from love to hate, from music to movies, from books to sports, from sex to abstinence. You just have to find a way to put a new spin on things. Instead of writing about a love as an omiscient narrator, write about it from the point of view of the butler who sees everything happen through clues and specualation.
Writing in a world with no boundaries. You set them yourself, therefore you can break them yourself.
Hah! That was great. Yes, I'm quite sick of reading things like: "If only our love could outgrow our passion." I'm sure those people have talent. But sometimes you need to read something funny to differ from all the generic crap you've been reading.
I really enjoyed your piece. It really was funny. I've had trouble with toilets my whole life, finding time to go to them, fear of clogging them, fear of falling into them, fear of contracting diseases. I understand your daughter's paranoia entirely. I'm especially horrified of airplane bathroom. They make a noise only paralled by a sonicboom. The toilet in the airplane wakes people from comas.
I adored your comparison to a space shuttle taking off. Right now, when I was trying to find something to compare an airplane flush to, I was very tempted to lift in, in hope that you wouldn't notice. I also loved how when your sister and daughter were in the bathroom and they flushed the toilet it was as if they were being sucked into an alternate universe.
I think you could've lengthened it a little bit. Once you've latched onto a good storyline, run with it. Flesh it out a bit. Tell us other anecdotes, make sure that the reader leaves smiling and satisfying, wanting more of your writing, but not more of your story. That's very important.
Good work overall, it provoked giggles.
Lucas.
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/loodish
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 6:50am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
