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Review of The winner  Open in new Window.
Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
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Review of
 The winner Open in new Window. (E)
about a life pursuing wealth
#1541688 by Bella Author IconMail Icon
for November Rising Star Peer Review

Title/Theme of Poem While the word "winner" is not used in the poem, the poem clearly connects to the title by describing a character who is consumed completely by winning the game he/she's playing. Each stanza of the poem supports the idea that the narrator dreams only of being worshiped and has no empathy or regard for those left in his/her wake. I’ll bling my way cross the street/And simply smile at the woman who did not eat and I want to hear them say my name/As they speak of my wealth and fame/I’ll pretend that I have no shame

What's also interesting about the way the title and theme connect in this poem is by the end the poet has chipped away at the armor of the successful narrator to show that enjoying the success with no conscience is a facade. In reality, the poem shows, the narrator wins only emptiness For all my greed and selfish ways/I win the prize of emptiness.

Imagery/Descriptive Language The language balances the selfish greed of the narrator with the plight of the world. I want to win this wretched game/...I want the money and the fame
I want to hear the music play/To hear it drown the screams away/Screams of people crying in pain
For loss of things that I have gained In this example the language is very clear, basic word use is put together to build the stark contrast of what the narrator wants — fame, power and the things that go with it — in comparison to what the rest of the world must endure.

You do use the word wretched twice to describe the game. What grabbed me about its use in this poem is it represents the conflict the narrator faces. By describing the game as wretched, we see the internal struggle taking place within the narrator. But he/she just keeps at it — even though the outcome Is not enough to heal my deep and lonely pain

Poem Construction
The poem is first person through the last two stanzas. Then it changes to third person. I wasn't sure about the shift in point of view at this point. Since much of the language up to that point is purely the narrator talking about him/herself and the impact of the role of the game on his/her life, I'm not sure why you change to the third person. In fact, right before you say And so he thought he won this game/How sad he’d feel if he could hear/That all they do is laugh and sneer. the narrator has already said he can't heal the pain of emptiness, even if he/she wins everything there is to win in the game.

Overall Impression
I liked how this poem used simple language and uniform stanza to describe a modern fact of life. There are some who are so driven to succeed that they don't even notice how many people are affected by the actions of one. The poem does not sugarcoat the suffering so many feel as just a few make it to the "top". What's also interesting is the game is never actually defined (although you say "wealth" in the description of the piece), because it doesn't matter. It's the ambition that's the main theme of the story, and how it blinds many people to suffering and need of the greater world.

Enjoy The "Rising Star" status!

Fallser Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Tree Arms  Open in new Window.
Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Melinda Author IconMail Icon
Another review of work in your port. So sorry for the delay in getting this to you!
Sincerely,
Fallser Author IconMail Icon

A Short and Sweet Review of
 Tree Arms Open in new Window. (13+)
When humans are big game, a girl struggles with nature’s imperfect balances
#1484585 by Melinda Author IconMail Icon


Things I liked What I liked best about "Tree Arms" is your theme. The idea of untouchables is one worth exploring, especially since it exists in society today in a blatant way in many countries and in a more nuanced way in a country like America.

After introducing us to Tanei, you frame the society where she lives, as well as define the theme of your story: Untouchables. The people without any natural abilities. Nature’s one mistake.
and
To her entire society, the sole purpose of Untouchables was as high-risk hunting game. Appearances did not distinguish them: they were the same as everyone else on the outside. On the inside, they had failed to develop the unique bond with organic materials that gives everyone else control over living and dead matter.

The story moves quickly and is engaging. You build tension well in two specific spots — when the group of untouchables led by Maruk is meeting and hunted down and later when Tani and Maruk meet. The tension in the first scene when the untouchables are hunted is definitely created by your word use: being torn apart, screaming like savages. The fear is visceral and the panic from a total lack of control these people have over their lives gets under the reader's skin.

Later, the quick sentences do the job when Tanei and Maruk square off. Maruk grabbed her shoulder. She would not stand for this. Tanei, who had fallen in the tussle, now brushed off her clothes and looked back. The Untouchable was restrained by the tree branches she had set on him. Perfect./Instead of arguing, Maruk sulked in silence.

This scene at the end of the story really gets the reader thinking what will happen next with these two? Tani could have killed Maruk right away, and doesn't, but will come back from him later. Will they learn to understand each other or will she become a hunter? Great dramatic questions to explore.

Things that could be improved
This seems like an extended outline of what you'd like to accomplish over the several chapters. There's a lot of information at the beginning (for example, was the girl Mare an Untouchable and that's why she's gone?).

You have brought us into a world that has very specific rules that are different from ours. I would like you to slow down and show us how the characters live by these rules, rather than outlining them as you do in the story. Perhaps the list that follows this paragraph could be a discussion between Tani and her uncle or another character:
Amongst a few thousand children born, one would be born without the ability to move objects. Anywhere between the ages of eight and twelve, children normally show the signs of their talents. If a child cannot conjure any supernatural acts by age thirteen, one of three occurrences will result

Spelling and Grammar There were a few places where I'd do some copy editing, but since this seems like the first step in a longer work, I won't spend time on spelling and grammar now. Overall, the story is not hammered at all by these issues.

General Impression Great creative effort — the ideas are there and the scaffold of a larger story is established. As I read this I felt as if you were rushing through to get the ideas down. As I mentioned above, the lists you have, in particular, make this feel more like an outline of a work you'd like to expand. A short work with chapters would be very interesting, but use your gift for the story and explore the lists as a story teller.
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Review of Christa Nicole  Open in new Window.
Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Comments for
 Christa Nicole Open in new Window. (E)
A short modern myth for class. Tragedy, love, glory, hate, defeat+ triumph
#1556131 by Angie Harris Author IconMail Icon

July Rising Stars Member-to-Member Review

Things I liked This is an ambitious poem with a strong narrative and is told from different points of view. What I really enjoyed about this poem was its readability. Of course, I am partial to short stories, and this was close to a short story in a poetic form, and that may be why I connected with this poem.

The narrator's voice is third person — the narrator describes the events of Christa Nicole's life, but you are able to give us Christa Nicole's perspective by using the device of the letter so the woman's sons know what she's been going through. The shift happens pretty seamlessly between stanzas 11 and 12. Here is the theme of the poem as well.

The letter explained what they never knew,
It also told them what they had to do.

The letter seemed to tell the story,
of Christa Nicole’s loss of glory.

I also liked this stanza very much With heavy hearts, they went to the home,
where once as children they used to roam./To organize the mess and clutter/which now belonged to their mother. Later the narrator creates another strong image with what the boys find at their mother's house Pieces of their mother had carefully packed/memories and milestones neatly stacked.

The poet speaks beautifully of several universal themes: a mother's love and role in raising children; the transition of children growing into independent adults; and the loss of a beloved spouse. The poet pulls together these themes with the idea of "Voices", which can be both parts of Christa Nicole's life, as well as the madness she has entered because of her depression.

Soon small Voices fill the room,
two young boys, my loving groom.
and
The Voices are now aggressive and mean,
they want me to do things and be their queen.

As I write this review, I realized at first I just associated the Voices with the depression, but now I see they are more complex than that. The Voices represent all the people who played an important part in Christa Nicole's life. I feel this is one of the strongest aspects of this poem.

Things that could be improved Some of the rhymes sounded contrived. It seemed like you went for an easy rhyme rather than searching for a stronger word that still fit into the pattern you established. For example.She wanted to see them both so much;/
but they were busy, and all that such. I felt all that such didn't really say anything compared to the thoughtful detail in the rest of the stanza. This happens a number of times in the poem (two other examples: A happy home-life so makes sense and but the house was empty, I felt dumb), where the last line doesn't really support the rest of the stanza. It might be worth while to keep an ear out for this if you decide to revise the poem.

There were a few places when the boys were reading the letter where I was confused by the point of view. Specifically I got a little lost when the letter was describing Christa Nicole's relationship with her husband. The section begins with 12th stanza It seems to me so very strange... At first I thought Christa Nicole was talking about her boys, but actually she's talking about meeting her husband. One way you could handle this — and this is a creative issue so might not fit with the vision you have for this piece — is to start the letter with double quotes and then use single quotes when characters are speaking within the context of the letter. Also, it might be helpful to the reader for a transition from this stanza to the next one when Christa Nicole is remembering her sons as youngsters.

I personally didn't like the "Paging Mrs. Christa Nicole"/chimed his Voice within her soul I felt this was a bit comic in a very serious point of the poem where Christa Nicole was coming back from the brink. I am also not sure about the last stanza, where the boys know exactly what she lost. their choices demanded her very high cost. Their choices, clearly means as they grew up they drifted from their mother. I guess I am not sure how demanded relates to the natural progression of children to adults, and the complex relationships that exist between all family members. Did they demand so much as abandon?

Technical Elements
You do an excellent job with the narrative form. It has a plot, although I found it dramatic (the Wikipedia definition of a narrative poem is one that's nondramatic). The verse maintains a regular rhyme and meter scheme.

There are a few grammatical/word use issues that could be corrected during a revision. One is the use of single and double quotes to show who's speaking (I mentioned this above). Another is in the stanza that starts Phases past; I think you mean pass. Finally, you need quotation marks at the end of the letter (stanza 21).

General Impression This poem has so much going for it that I hope you continue to revisit and tweak it to develop its themes of love, family, loss to the reader.

Fallser Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Sassy  Open in new Window.
Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Review of "Sassy" Open in new Window. for Rising Stars

Theme: A story on the joy and pains of adoption.

Strengths: I love the final paragraph and would like to see that sooner in the story (or perhaps tease out another thought on the same theme at the beginning and then conclude with the existing paragraph.) This is just the beginning. Her life would take many twists and turns in the years following her adoption, because that is the way real life is. Life is happy and sad. Life is easy sometimes, but mostly hard. Tell us more about the idea of how life is "hard" but still filled with happy moments. That's the heart of this story, as shown through the adoption, and then, life with Sassy.

You do a very faithful description of the emotional issues surrounding adoption, from both the perspective of the parent who must give her child up for adoption, as well as the child herself and finally the adoptive parents. The triangle of this relationship is inherently complex: the feelings and emotions associated with parenting are only heightened when a parent sees, either on her own or through a state agency, that she may not be capable, at a certain point in her life, to handle the parenting herself. You address the feelings of each person involved in the process: Jeni and Buddy thought a lot about Sassy's visits with her mom...They understood how painful it had to have been for her to not have Sassy with her. They truly wished that Susan had been able to do the things she needed to do to give Sassy a safe place to live. But Susan had had a hard life, too. She had been through a lot of struggles herself, and they had left their scars on her as well. The empathy the narrator has for Susan is key to piece: If only she had family members who could have helped her and been supportive of her, she might have been able to work things out and keep Sassy. It just didn't work out that way.

Technical Points: It would be good to read the piece out loud to catch sentences that could use smoothing He knew that it would be hard for Susan to not be able to see her anymore, but he was concerned about Sassy.

You don't need the quotes and explanation points. "No wonder it's my favorite number," she replied. "That is so weird. I didn't even know that!" . Your language gets the point across.

Areas for Improvement: It might be helpful to clearly define the audience you're writing to. Adults? Children? The narrator's voice seems to be Sassy's mother, but you write it in the third person, and then mix using Jeni and Mom. An example where this is confusing is in the next to last paragraph Years later, when Sassy was a teenager, she commented one day that "5" was her favorite number, and that it had always been her favorite number. Her mom was surprised by this comment,and asked Sassy if she knew what happened when she was five years old. She shook her head, "No." When Jenitold her that she had been adopted.... It becomes clear later that our narrator is the child's adoptive mother, but I found the point of view at the beginning to be vague and by sharpening the narrator's point of view earlier, you'll make it easier for the reader to understand where you're coming from in describing the story.

I think you need a stronger opening paragraph that introduces us to the dramatic question without so much detail. You can get into the detail in the following paragraphs once you have the reader hooked. For example, I think you could start with the second paragraph They both loved Sassy more than life itself. They wanted her to feel safe and loved and happy. She had come into their home and hearts when she was 22 months old. She was in foster care at that time, and they had no way of knowing how long she would be with them. This draws us in, and you can certainly talk about the the love Jeni and Buddy have for each other as well as Buddy's relationship with Sassy as well.

Overall: This story, although about Sassy, covers an important topic as well as the joys and complications that go with the process. Once you clarify the point of view the story will be very strong and a very good stand-alone piece (I know you said this is one of many stories you want to write about Sassy).

Please keep me in mind if you do a revision and would like the story re-read.

Fallser Author IconMail Icon
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5
5
Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Review of:
A lone Man Walks A Dark Road Open in new Window. (13+)
An epic poem of fear, love, revenge, and a demon hound.
#1231907 by kip Author IconMail Icon

for "Retired Founder, Rising Stars Program" Open in new Window.

Theme: A story of the consequences of a lone rebel's actions that leave a generations-long curse on the village and its people.

Characters: There are a number of characters who drive this epic-style poem. Gregory Hardboughs is the first character we meet who comes to the town called Lorraine to take his land granted to him by King Vladimir. Father Rainer is a religious figure in the town who tells of the curse on the land and speaks for the village when Loren Blackwell, a pious man and a witch hunter, arrives to save the town. He later falls victim to the evil created by Gregory's first betrayal. Finally, Pierre Lavec goes to avenge his father's death at the hand of the beast. He learns of the legend left by Gregory and the birth of Gregory's son Victor. Pierre goes to kill the beast, who he suspects is Victor, only to be caught up in the twisted magic of the curse.

The poem's form allows for other voices to come through, including the refrain, or chorus, of the magistrate, the judge, a nursemaid and servants, and Pierre's mother, among others.

Main Points/Plot: The overall story of the poem is divided into three sections to follow the efforts of the men who come to town. The story begins when Gregory Hardboughs, who comes to Lorraine to take land that is owed to him. He picks a place that Father Rainer warns "to go beyond the Hanging Okay, it's every bit a sin,/for there beyond an evil waits with sharp and deadly eyes/to fill the heart with wickedness, to mislead the soul with lies." Gregory laughs at this prediction and continues on his journey. When he comes back many years later, with a child, the town turns from him. From this point on, the town suffers great misery.

The poem continues with the storyline of Loren Blackwell, a man who's "High boots have traveled many a grim and moonlit mile/set forth in righteousness to bring wicked souls to trial." who arrives to save the town, and warns them when he sees what is happening "He will devour you, and all your precious kin./So beware the changing of his skin."

When the town folk rally along side of Loren, we meet Pierre and his father. Pierre watches in dismay as the beast kills Loren, the magistrate, and Pierre's father. It is Pierre who then goes on to try to avenge his father's death, only to fall himself into the trap of the curse.

Editing/Grammar: In the first stanza you have its’ and it should be its.

At the very end, you say and Father Ranier's words were fulfilled of dreadful, bitter end . Do you mean in the where you have of .

In the stanza where Pierre remembers the words of Loren Blackwell (near the end) you need to add " at the end of the line and if you know to notice all of these, you may see through its disguise."

The next stanza seems to have an extra " at the end of the last line. then thought perhaps his vengeance should at last, now be forgot."

You might want to put a comma in the line You must avenge me son, our lives are now at stake and a you in What brought you to the door, before the cock crowed the rising of the sun?

I did notice there was repetition in word use. In some places this was part of the poem's form (the clear example being the refrain that starts the piece "A lone man walks a dark road into the town they called Lorraine/below the jagged snowy mountain along that cobbled lane." In the third stanza you use the adjective "cobbled" again but this time with road, and you had used it with way in the stanza above. I found this distracted from the refrain that you use to connect the different scenes in the poem. In the stanza introducing Loren Blackwell, you use "righteousness" twice, which is okay, but with the kind of effort you've put into the poem, I think a different word to show his personality would add more to the story and his character. I also noticed the use of "please" twice in one stanza and "bloody" in the fight scene. Since it happens regularly throughout the poem I assume you do this for impact. My feedback is a variety of words would show your range as a poet more effectively and give more depth to the poem's dark subject matter.

Strengths: Your poem's greatest strength is its structure around the main characters' roles in the curse that threatens Lorraine. By repeating the first two lines of the poem the reader is able to clearly see you continue the saga with a new "chapter" or set of events and characters.

Your descriptions of each of the main characters are very well done with specific details that define each one. For example, in the beginning when we met Gregory: He wears a clock of Black Bears’ hide, about his neck hand its lethal claws. What a wonderful way to show us his character rather than just telling us, this guy is tough!

One of the best stanza's in the poem is when we finally watch the townspeople fight beast. The demon's teeth crunched into his startled head/now the brave Magistrate lies still, so very dead./As the blood spattered in Pierre's teary eyes/the warm urine ran down the young man's thighs./Then he turned in fear and quickly ran away/an act he will regret until his last dying day.
What's brilliant here is the use of crunched to describe the beast killing the magistrate (like eating a cookie) and then Pierre's reaction, which shows us about his character.

You do a good job of pulling Pierre into this village's epic battle with the beast when Pierre's mother tells him the story of Gregory. Kill this thing that slew my man, by your own vengeful hand/and you will be a legendary hero in this rumor-haunted land."/Now as if in a dream, he saw Gregor Hardboughs and his swaddling son/and bethought of himself to retrieve Loren Blackwell's musket gun.

Finally, the end of the poem is both sad and fulfilling (at least to the reader). To have the curse transferred to Pierre is tragic, but appropriate to the tone of the poem. and Father Ranier's words were fulfilled of dreadful, bitter end./For what the townsfolk of Lorriane could never ever have known/the demon entered Pierre; and oh my...how the fangs have grown.

Areas for Improvements: In doing a little research about epic poems at Wikipedia, the one thing I think would help the poem is if it had a single hero or main character who we followed throughout. You do address a serious subject and heroic deeds (source, Wikipedia), which are two hallmarks of an epic poem. When you introduced Gregory Hardoughs, I assumed he was our hero, not the figure who would create the curse. And while it seems that Pierre is our hero, I feel we meet him far to late in the poem's narrative to connect with him.

Some of the language you use is too casual for the epic style you introduce in the first stanza. For example, you say Let's put our heads together and come up with something new. I found this to be very light in comparison to The dead men's bones were found bleaching, beneath the noonday sun. Also, you write I have not come to hear your speeches, so do not tax your brain. This, while probably fitting your rhythmic pattern, did not sound right coming from Loren Blackwell.

I didn't really understand how Pierre knew Hardboughs' son Victor, nor did I find the conversation they had with each other to be believable. When you describe that Pierre watched Victor like a sharp-eyed hawk,/and everywhere that Victor went, Pierre was there to stalk it's not clear how Pierre is so sure that Victor is the beast.
Victor said, "I love you dear, you are my very heart,/and I would surely die if we should ever part."/Pierre began to question all that he had thought,/and wondered how Victor could be the evil demon misbegot,/then thought perhaps his vengeance should at last, now be forgot."
Since the town turned its back on Gregory when he came back with the child, how would Pierre even know who he is? I know this is what what the legend predicts, but the way the characters are introduced, and specifically the Victor is introduced, I had to suspend belief to see what happened.

You do a great job of weaving the other characters into the legend, that it would be worthwhile to give Victor the same treatment.

Also, a few of the details introduced don't necessarily fit in with information we've been given earlier in the poem. For example, you use your refrain to begin the section on Loren Blackwell coming to town, and then say Now as the carriage pulls into the little town. I know that Loren is a man of stature, and thus the carriage, yet it seems as though he's walking into the town based on the stanza that introduces him as a {c:green A pilgrim's soul he hides beneath his steely mask.


Overall Comments: This poem is an extremely ambitious undertaking and I admire you determination to explore the epic form of poetry (not something we modern readers experience very often). I was engaged for the entire poem and was surprised by the dramatic ending. You clearly thought a great deal about the characters and the plot, and were able to express these through the constraints of the poetic form. Congratulations on this creative piece of work!

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6
6
Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Rising Star Peer Review for:
A Shift in the Universe Open in new Window. (18+)
When one knows better, one does better.
#1397787 by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon

Things I liked This is a human story. In two pages you are able to show how a regular day that's familiar to many people can be blasted open by bad news. What adds to the tragedy and
emotional intensity of "A Shift in the Universe" is the pain Nina has experienced from losing her best friend and cousin as a trusted confidant. The emotions you're exploring here are generally left for romantic relationships, but it happens all the time in same-sex friendships and leaves the same broken heart. People don't talk about this very much and I applaud you for taking it on.

You do a wonderful job with details to show how different Dani and Nina are. Nina - "Her tidy apartment was flooded with early summer sunlight. She kicked off her shoes, then nudged them carefully with a stockinged toe until they were perfectly aligned under the entryway bench." and Dani - writes in her "loopy penmanship" . Also, the content of the card gives us a very good look at Dani's personality "I miss you still...F**king call me." The reader understands that while these two women are very different, they shared a friendship that was a major part of Nina's personality. The reader does wonder, though, if Nina isn't better off without a friend who could betray her so easily. This is the dramatic question and the core to the story. It makes the scene later at the hospital that much more heart wrenching.

This sentence in Paragraph 19 tells us a lot about Nina: "Her methodical mind fought to bring order to her chaotic emotions..."

A final great detail - after all these years, Dani's number is still in Nina's cell phone. Dani's phone message is a perfect way to end the story.

Things that could be improved The biggest area where I see a need for improvement is fleshing out some of the very specific details you offer the reader. I did notice the word count at the end of the story and assume you had a word limit you had to meet. Here are some places where I'd like to see more:
• Paragraph six: "The shock of learning Dani's deceit had thrown her into a tailspin she could not recover from. Nina's world had bottomed out when she was told the painful details." Please show us, even briefly, the details, or at least the conversation where Dani lies to cover up her deceit.

Another place for a detail is after this sentence "Dani was present in every one of Nina's childhood memories." Maybe you could show as a memory rather than just tell us this? For example, Dani was there to hoist Nina from many a twisted bike, crashed during a Saturday afternoon trip home from the pool.... Whatever. You know what Nina and Dani would do together.

In this sentence you give more detail about Nina, but I would like to know where the character trait comes from: "Self-righteous resolve comforted Nina as she shoved the card back into its envelope." What attracted the organized, faithful Nina to the foot loose and fancy free Dani?

Paragraph 13: I would like a transition from the phone call from the doctor to when Nina is back in the oncologist's office. This could be another place for a flashback to the broken friendship. The arrival of the birthday-card would easily be the realistic reason for Nina thinking out the past.

Spelling and Grammar I did not see any specific spelling or grammatical errors.

General Impression There is a lot of good stuff here. I want more! In my opinion you could really develop a rich story here with some more specific details about Nina and Dani's relationship. You hit the right emotional tone without going over the top when Nina gets the news about the cancer. Overall a well crafted short story!
Best,
Fallser
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7
7
Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of:
 Lemons to Lemonade Open in new Window. (E)
A young woman writes to her uncle about a life-changing experience.
#1372626 by NickiD89 Author IconMail Icon

By: NickiD89 (4)

Theme: A niece writes her uncle to let him know she's turned lemons into lemonade after a really, really bad day.

Characters: Nicole is our narrator. She is a young urban professional working in a job that isn’t inspiring. Other characters include her uncle Aiden, her apartment building’s “cat lady”, her boss, and her neighbors.

Main Points/Plot: Nicole is unhappy with her job, crunching numbers as an accountant. She gets home from work in this story and wants to relax, but deals with her grumpy “cat lady” neighbor. Just as she’s starting to relax in her fourth story apartment, she faces a life-altering moment when she must jump to safety from a fire raging in her apartment building. At this moment, we learn Nicole is afraid of heights and she must jump to safety.

Grammar: Mechanically I found only minor items, such as “try-outs” , which should be one word tryouts.”.

Strengths:
You obviously had fun working in the puns throughout the story. Here are a few of my favorites: “dilemmatic squeeze play” in the opening paragraph; “My sourpuss boss” in the second paragraph.

The conversation with Mrs. Boswick, the Cat Lady from 2B ( love that! Doesn’t ever building have a “cat lady) does a wonderful job of weaving some character into the story as well as letting a plot element get up to the fourth floor.

This is an original metaphor as well “From up there, the noise of the city’s distant commotion was as soothing to me as classical music.” I like how much this tells us about the character and makes a insightful observation about urban life.

You do some fantastic writing in this sentence: “I took in my bird’s eye view of the world. Looking out from that height, a new perspective filled my consciousness, and for the first time I realized life’s intrinsic choices were mine to make.” You’ve put in a piece of truth in a piece that seems to be just about puns. This description gave me a moment to pause and go, “yes!” I really related to Nicole at this moment. The sentence also answer the dramatic question of whether she’ll jump completely believable.

I both really liked this sentence and was also a bit put off by the use of the word deciduous. In those deciduous moments I became free from the bondage of fear controlling my life. It was a new beginning. The narrator’s voice has been casual, even at points comedic, and there are several points during the fire when her tone changes to becomes more formal and sophisticated. Perhaps this has to do with the change she experiences on the ledge? I found it a little out of character based on her voice earlier in the story.

Your use of language is excellent. For example, describing the boss as ascetic! Good intellectual fun and telling of the character’s educational background.

Areas for Improvements: I know this was for a contest, so you probably had a word count, but I would like a little more background on our narrator when she’s home and before the fire starts. What sort of job would she like to have rather than accounting? Perhaps she could check the mailbox in the building’s lobby for a responses to résumés she’s submitted for her dream job? This would add more complexity to her character and still allow her to meet the cat lady.

After such strong writing during the crisis, I didn’t like how she was fired. I thought it was a bit too glib considering what she just went through. It also doesn’t fit with the character of the boss based on the beginning of the story. (my opinion of course!)

Overall Comments: I found the story entertaining and you definitely did a good job with the prompt, filling the story with puns. I would like a few more details about how powerless Nicole feels before she reaches the ledge. This background would give more meaning to her epiphany. What I especially enjoyed, though, was the way you put a serious moment in the midst of humor. How often this happens in real life.

Best of luck in the contest and with the writing process!
8
8
Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Review of "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. for the Let’s Review Forum

Things I liked This is a nice take on the personal memoir. Sharing the details of your 11-year-old self writing, and sending, the letter in the bottle, is poignant. How often have many people sat under a tree in the summer wondering what life will be like when they are “grown up.” Writing the letter takes this idea one step further.

I also like how this happened during the cruise when the narrator has so much freedom from her parents. It’s a safe environment where risks can be taken and also gives context to the narrator’s life.

Also, as heartbreaking as the reality of the narrator’s current life is, you share the information in a way that doesn’t allow us to feel sorry for the narrator, which is important. Your overall theme here is one of hopefulness. Even when your life seems to be taking bad turn after bad turn, a small moment can happen, such as the bottle being returned, and it adds perspective and hope to your experience. “As I said before, I had to answer ‘No’ to most of the questions that long ago I had asked. But on one I could truthfully say that I was, over all, very happy with my life.”

Things that could be improved I would love to see more of the interaction between our narrator and the navigator. I read that paragraph and wanted to see what he looked like (old, young, American, foreign?) and hear how he spoke to the optimistic 11 year old. Even if you just gave us a little more detail with this sentence “He said that was a wonderful idea and wished me all the luck of the sea, since he said Neptune would have to help me get my wish.” Did the navigator tell a story about Neptune? The entire memoir has a magic feel to it, and I would like to see you flesh out the conversation with the navigator to add to the narrative.

A little point, but I think more paragraph breaks would help the flow of the story and make it easier for the reader to stay with your writing.

Finally, in the paragraph describing how life turned out as compared to what was imagined is difficult to read, but fully understandable. How often our dreams don’t match our reality, and not because of any specific choice we’ve made? In this paragraph I would find it very helpful if you could review how you carry out the chronology. You mention that at age 33 you could no longer have children and then go back to something that happened when you were 24. I found it difficult to read and would prefer to have it more organized for me. This is a really important paragraph too, since you are showing us the impact of the message in the bottle reappearing.

In the sentence “So I started studying bookkeeping and I did that was my career until I…” do you mean as rather than was?

The last sentence of the paragraph is confusing and switches tenses. “I still have an open claim for SSI but since they lost my folder last November I have to start all over again a zero.” I understand you’ve moving from the past to the current day in the telling of your story, I just think this can be done more elegantly to fit with the writing in the rest of the piece.

My last question is how Mrs. Cox tracked you down? Earlier in the story you mention you put in your father’s office number in the letter. Perhaps it’s not that important in the overall scheme of the piece, but I wanted to know how she found you.

Spelling and Grammar In the first paragraph you have few months within a few lines of each other. In the second paragraph you have some one as two words. I believe it should be one word. In the last paragraph of the story there is the world girl friends’ and that should be one word as well.

General Impression I agree with your nephew and girlfriends’ children — I do think it’s wonderful you wrote yourself a letter, sent it and it came back to. How exciting and what wonderful fodder for a memoir. Your style is appropriate for this piece, at once factual and uplifting. I finished reading and was thinking about the various aspects of your story. Thanks for sharing all this about your life with us here at WDC.

Best, Fallser
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Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of:
 Game of the Gods - Prologue Open in new Window. (E)
The gods of Caldoria have a new game to play. But is it truly just a game?
#1291458 by Taraib Author IconMail Icon

For Reviewing Forum "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.

Theme: Setting up a world where gods have forgotten about mortals. Good and Evil battle each other across a game board in the Great Gaming Room. “At one time the gods of Caldoria had watched over their respective flocks from this balcony, but now that they did not care, the lives of men were just a game for their enjoyment.”

Characters: In the prologue, the two major characters are Now'chi, Lord of Chaos (representing evil as we know it), and Elohim, Giver of Life (representing good). Two other gods come into the action, Fendria, the goddess of Impartiality and Justice, and Edrick, the god of magic.

Main Points/Plot: The gods have lost interest in the mortals who still worship the gods. The gods play games now to pass the time, and mortals serve them without realizing it.

Dark comes before light, yet Now’chi finds Elohim a true adversary. Now’chi and Elohim engage in a Game of Kingdoms. The game is interrupted by Fendria who has come back from her time at a trial among the mortals. Finally, Edrick appears and presents a new game to the gods. Now’chi and Elohim immediately begin playing, and Fendria is left to referee.

Grammer: The story is technically very strong. I did not find any areas for revision here.

Strengths: The attention to detail in creating this gaming room is the piece’s main strength. As a reader I could see the large room filled with larger-than-life characters hunched over game boards, idly passing the time. For example, in the third paragraph “Aged ivory and polished gold adorned a large portion of the hall, silver being the second most abundant metal. Dark mahogany tables, beautifully carved with ornate figures of the land below, were surrounded by chairs made of precious cherry, a plush silk cushion adorning each.”

The prologue does a good job introducing our main characters and themes in the piece: ”These were the gods of good and evil, light and dark, the giver and taker of life, peacefully playing a game of kingdoms together.”

The prologue used analogies well to explore the ideas and relationship that good and evil share. “The mortal plain lay far below, the daily occurrences of the mortals laid out before them.” The picture of mortals as pawns on a game board is clear with that sentence.

Comments and Observations: My main suggestion for improving this prologue is to tighten it up so we get to the action, Endrick coming in with a new game, sooner. I would also like to understand how the Game of Kingdoms is played, and more fully understand the new game proposed by Endrick. I understand your point that mortals think the gods are watching over them, but really are just playing their own games. What I’m not clear is if the Game of Kingdoms is just a game, or a representation of how the gods make decisions in the mortals’ lives. To clear this up, it might be helpful to show the reader the rules of the games.

There is obviously tension between Now’chi and Elohim, but the story says at least twice in the prologue there is no anger because there is no conflict. These gods have no cares. “Strangely, there was no animosity present within the Gaming Room, the gods did not bicker or fight for power, setting good against evil. It was not as if Now’chi cared for the man across from him, quite the contrary, but since he had no concerns, there was no reason for hostility. No, there was plenty of complacency within the room.” I wasn’t clear on why there is complacency based on what I read in the prologue. This was frustrating as a reader.

Now’chi finds Fendria an “annoyance” (the descriptive word is used twice), and that doesn’t fit with the over all feeling of complacency that is described. Now’chi seems to actively dislike Elohim. Elohim’s feelings for his opposite are not as clear to me based on what I read in the prologue, except for the comment “Those red eyes burned of flame, hinting at the vast amount of power at his disposal, intimidating to most of the lower gods of Caldoria, yet to Elohim this power was what made him a true adversary.” I do see an inconsistency here, though, since the hall is filled with complacency. Of course, the statements about the complacency could be said with the idea that this is what the gods would like to think. It would be easier for me as a reader to accept this if the gods themselves showed us more specifically the tensions that are under the veil of complacency. I find this missing at this point in the prologue.

This is a small item, but important since it does undermine the creative effort put into making this world, which is the use, twice, of the word “boom” to describe the voices in the hall.

Please give me an example of what happens in a game of Kingdoms! How does a god win a game? How long does a game last?

In the paragraph that begins “How are we to be saved from the torture of your incessant babble” has a different tone than the rest of the piece. Now’chi appears to be a very noble character, and that quote did fit into the character that you carefully describe earlier. The sentence “He never let anything slip by him” didn’t ring true for Now’chi’s character either.

I’m not sure about Fendria. She seems to be meddling in the mortals’ lives in a way that Now’chi doesn’t approve of. Why does she do this? How is she different from the other gods? Why does Now’chi, who doesn’t seem to be bothered with any of the other gods become so fixated on Fendria? Is there is a history between these two gods that will be explored later?

Finally, Endrick’s game pe-tok sounds fascinating, but I had to read that paragraph several times and I’m still not sure I really understand how it works. I do like the idea behind the game “This is a magical game of mind and chance.” How can one win, though, if the color change is completely up to chance? Would the gods, who spend all their time playing games, want one that doesn’t appear to depend as much on skill as it does on pure luck? Again, great idea! I do think it can be explored, or explained to the reader, more specifically. Maybe this is a trick on the gods? The game is luck. Does it really matter what they do to win, just as it does not matter what the mortals do since the gods have lost interest in them?

Overall Comments: I found this story really engaging. As a prologue, it does hook me as a reader and inspire me to read on to chapter 1. With that said, I also found that this was on the long side, and at times I wasn’t sure where all these descriptions were talking me. What I really loved was the author’s creative take on religious themes through the use of the gaming room. The analogy is well executed thanks to the thoughtful amount of detail. “The dark did not swallow the light, and the light did not blind the dark, there was simply a shadow.” If fiction is supposed to shed light on the human condition, then this sentence clearly gives a view on an idea many people struggle with in life. How many times do we face a clear choice between good and evil? Many times a good person makes a bad choice. For example, murders rebuild their lives and leave prison and get married. We are all filled with shadows. I found this to be what drew me into the story. And life is full of random occurrences and luck. Endrick’s game fits into this idea “When two different colored tiles occupy the same square, magic will change one tile to the color of the other, completely by chance.” How often does this happen in our lives? You run a red light and don’t get a ticket one day, the next you’re pulled over. This is a simple example of that chance. There are larger, more important ones, and the prologue does introduce that this theme is going to be explored in the novel. Well done.

This is a big project, so I hope some of these comments are helpful. Thanks for creating this world and this story. Good luck with the project.

Please note: I read this story during my vacation in August. I see that you have updated it since I read it, so it’s possible some of these comments aren’t as current.
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Review of To Ridinghood:  Open in new Window.
Review by Fallser Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Review of "To Ridinghood:" by em at gov school til the 28th
"To Ridinghood:" Open in new Window.

Theme: A poem dedicated to writing.

Comments: I'm not an expert on reviewing poetry. So here are my reactions this this piece.

The idea of opening the door to a story is excellent. Using the character of Little Red Ridinghood is a nice metaphor for the uncertainity that writers have when they first start a piece.

This part of the poem is the theme:
Writing opens the soul/and spills the yearning heart;/through patterns of words I/Learn You.

I like the references to the classic stories we hear as a child, and read to our children in turn:
Moon, spoon, mermaids and weather/
and
Little Red Ridinghood/went through the woods;/Tempted by a fox,/She said hi to Goldilocks—
Wonderful nod to the literature that is the bedrock of our fiction-telling selves.

At the end of the poem, the flow from "And this is my tribute to you:/Though/You are a stranger is wonderful and very true. We writers don't know what the story is going to be until it's on paper.


My one question about the poem is the "Life—three/of cups: Life overabundant and overflowing. There are two items here. Perhaps "three of cups" refers to something I'm not familiar with.

Overall A wonderful piece of writing. Thank you for giving me an inspiration not only to write but also to read more poetry.
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