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9 Total Reviews Given
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1
Review of Society  Open in new Window.
Review by Liza Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
The story is a good start. You have three characters that have an excellent jumping off point to become absolute

fascinating. I like the dialogue: it's to the point, realistic and lively. In addition, there were no spelling or grammatical errors that I could find. So,

well done!


I do have a number of suggestions and thoughts, but this is meant to be purely constructive. I want to help you make this

story greater, so I have listed several things below that, with some work, could really cause this story to stand out like

a fist punched up into the air.


I will take you through the story step by step with suggestions and questions for each part. I read the story 3 times to be

sure I was being as honest and thorough as possible.



1. You make it sound like Heather has been in the apartment before - "for the first time in a long time". She wouldn't really be surprised then by

the mess, right? Nor would he be making excuses for it like it was the first time she's seen it. Perhaps it might be more realistic if instead, she

makes a comment to that point or he does. Or you remove the concept that she has been there all together.


2. Her job is confusing. Why is she in L.A.? Are they originally MEANT to work together? Why is she on the set at all? Or was she working on

something completely different and just happened to get invited to do the re-writing of the story for that movie? Also, what about

the reference to the original author's work? How does her re-writing it affect that person? And if she is a book editor,

why is she on his set? It's a movie.


3. Theresa's and Heather's characters are somewhat developed. Jack is a very confusing and static character. Not really

sure what he believes in, adhere's to, what his values are, etc. It's not very clear. He seems to move from heart-throb, to

sweet, shallow, kind, caring, playboy, etc. Who is he? Being a central character, he needs to have more of a definite

personality. He also seems spineless, whiny and wishy-washy. If that's what you want him to be, bring that out of him more.

Emphasize it.


4. They obviously have a history (Heather and Jack). I would recommend making more references to it. In addition, Heather

is obviously a very secretive person. Bring that out of her more. Entice readers to want to know more about her and that

side of her. If she is the most important character, focus on her more than Jack. The action and events tend to move

equally between Jack and Heather. There doesn't seem to be any focal character. Show more scenes with her in private. Bring

her character more to life. Does she have a past that she is afraid of being brought to the forefront by the media? Did she

have an experience that made her gun-shy of media exposure? Who is she? In addition, if this is a movie, inner voices

cannot be said, they must be demonstrated. A few times, you say how she is feeling: overwhelmed or not sure how she is

coming up with this dialogue, but YOU say it, she doesn't show it or say it herself. In a movie script, you'd need it to

come from her. She strikes me as being rather reserved and hidden. Perhaps her character might be better off writing the story on the side-lines,

with Jack and Teresa acting it out. That also could be a place where Teresa could lord her power over Heather (read on for suggestions for

bringing Teresa's character out more).


5. Jack's comment, "If it's a paycheck, I will" gives the impression that he really doesn't care about his job and what he

is doing. In other words, he doesn't really believe in what he is doing for a career. He's only in it for the money. I'm having a hard time, based on

these facets of his character (including the ones mentioned above), why Heather even likes him. Seems improbable, unless perhaps, he has

changed since she last knew him. Maybe she was younger when she first fell in love with him, and after years, still holds a candle for him. Or

perhaps, he did something that she feels permanent gratitude to him for. There's got to be a reason for why she likes him if his character is meant

to be spineless, whiny, wishy-washy and shallow. Or you need to rewrite his character.


6. And if Heather is writing for the movie, how come the director doesn't know who she is? How did she get on the set in

the first place, then?


7. And why is Teresa mad at first? If Heather is only stepping in for her, it's supposedly temporary, right? Just to help

her character become more realistic? Perhaps, she might be miffed and slightly offended, but does Teresa have no grace at all or

understanding of reality? She completely over-reacts to the fact that Heather is going to benefit her character. Perhaps,

Teresa could be more of a vixen and use it as an opportunity to make a reference to the 'help' - she knows she is the star, not Heather. Heather

is only a book editor - a nobody in Teresa's world.


8.. And if Heather has never done any acting, wouldn't she be somewhat nervous and unable to resist looking at the camera as

she speaks? It's more likely that she would freeze in the moment then fluidly and naturally fill the role, with lines pouring out of her without

hesitation. If you do want her to take it over, then you need to provide serious background to why she is able to suddenly take it away from

Teresa, an apparently famous and well-entrenched star in the movie world. I don't care how good a writer she is, it's unlikely that

would ever happen without some SERIOUS mitigating circumstances.


9. Or you could take that conversation between Jack and Heather in the movie studio and turn it into a personal one. Keep

their two worlds separate. It would add to the believability of the story and emphasize the fact that they live in two

different worlds, and make her stance that much more believable too. Her working the opposite role to him in the movie that is going to become a

big hit, would completely belie any complaint she has that she cannot live in the world of flashing cameras and media mobs. If she is able to take

that role from Teresa so easily, she obviously has some skill (a great deal of it, because in reality a no-name writer would NEVER

take the major role from a star - they are in two completely opposite worlds!) and willingness to be a star with all it's good and bad. This, in effect,

ruins the entire premise of your story.


10. Another suggestion: make Teresa more conniving and underhanded, but with class. To have succeeded (even with her dad as

a producer), she would have to have some smarts and ability. In reality, if her dad was giving her all the roles, and she

wasn't really able to deal with it or was impossible to work with (childish), he wouldn't be successful enough to produce a

box office hit. Therefore, Teresa might be a more convincing character if she was mature, conniving, classy, even pleasant to others, etc. But

something like a venomous snake in the grass to those she deems her enemies or competition. And Heather is apparently competition both for

her work and her man. That's a lot for any woman to accept with only a tantrum.


11. The after party seems more of an intimate affair. A small production company with a small group of people celebrating

the release of their movie. They are playing charades, which is fine, but it only focuses on them, without noticing or

including anything else. That simplifies the scene, and creates the idea that they are possibly the only people there that

matter. Is this a posh apartment? Is it in a famous part of town? Lastly, if it is so small and intimate, why is George

Clooney there?!


12. And when did she tackle him to the ground?! Why? Recently?


13. Finally, two more things. Detail! You need more detail to bring this story to life. Backgrounds, histories, settings,

describing the characters and their small ideosyncracies and habits - make them real!!! And this last one, I touched on indirectly, but now

I will say it point-blank. For any story to be accepted, it needs to be believable. It needs to be firmly rooted in

reality. Even fantasy or horror has to be believable through the characters actions and how they react to things. This

story is neither fantasy nor horror, etc., which means what happens to the characters needs to be even more connected to

what would really happen in reality.



I only offer these because I think this script has amazing potential. These are all just my suggestions and ideas. You do NOT have to listen to any

of it. I recommend doing these things or others to make it that much more exceptional. It's not perfect, but with work, it can be great. A story

needs to have something that will intrigue and entice readers, whether that enticement is psychological or for pure entertainment. Find the hook

you want to use to reel readers in, and you will find it becomes that much more engaging for you to write and for readers to read.


You have an excellent beginning here, and I would love to reread and re-review it after some changes and some more story is

put into it. Hope you don't mind my honesty.


Please write on!

Liza
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Review of "Perfect"  Open in new Window.
Review by Liza Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I like the simplicity in the writing. It is very easy to follow and understand that you had problems with weight and have learned to overcome them. You also have a very clear voice in your writing and you are able to stay on your topic without flowery deviations.

I do have a number of suggestions, however.

If this is a college essay, you need to make it less casual and more professional: think about your audience. It would be a professor. They are used to reading many papers, and this one would be just too informal, without enough data and evidence to back up statements. Unless it is a personal essay you are writing, you need less personal and more outside content. Even if it is a personal essay, I recommend adding more information and data that can be proven into it, if you can, with the personal opinion. You need to research your topic, even if it is as familiar to your heart as your family is. There needs to be evidence. You also need a thesis statement. You do not include what the purpose of your paper is about. Are you trying to express the downfalls of societies definition of perfection? Or are you expressing your own ability to overcome that definition? Or is it something else all together? In addition, at the end you jump from how you were drowning (so to speak) in your own fear of gaining any weight to how you are free of it all and can now accept yourself. This begs the question: How did you achieve this monumental insight? Did it happen overnight? Did it take months or years to achieve? Did you see a therapist? What do other's do? How do you use your experience to help others?

Do your homework, flush the paper out with evidence and more facts, think about what you want to say specifically, and then go nuts. You have an excellent start to a paper, now feed it all you can to flesh it out. Pun intended. ;)

Keep writing!

Liza



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Review of In Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Liza Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
This review is only from a fellow writer interested in improving her own work through reviews, both given and received. I am not a professional writer nor editor by any means.

This work is very engaging and evokes many emotions, creating a connection to the character and drawing the reader in. The style is to the point, with the story flowing smoothly without long descriptions or delays. However, you do describe the scene and the events extremely well nonetheless. The short sentences by themselves are interesting. Can I ask why you chose those particular sentences to remain isolated?

My only concerns are: when I got to the end, I wound up confused. I wasn't sure what had happened. Was he already dead then from the start? Did she come in and then kill him? How did the friend downstairs have anything to do with the story? What part he had isn't made very clear. In addition, the actions of Matt's wife at the end seem so at odds with what the character is describing and experiencing throughout up until that point. It is almost like he has this idea of what their life is like that is obviously completely at odds with what his wife obviously feels. Left me feeling very bewildered. Don't know if that was your intention or not.

You are a very descriptive writer and I enjoyed the use of language up to a point. At the beginning, it seemed forced and overly descriptive with a great deal of flowery, BIG words. By the end, however, the language had smoothed out and I no longer was overly aware of it - rather, it fit the story and made it flow nicely.

Thank you for this, though. It is nice to read the work of someone who cares about the language they use. Definitely keep writing!

Liza
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