Hi! I'm Jeffrey, a Paper Doll in training with the "Invalid Item" . I found this piece through the WDC read a newbie tool, and was captivated by the title. I'm a newbie as well, and any reader's opinion is, of course, only that reader's opinion. All of that said, let's get started!
General Impressions:
This piece uses very powerful, if not cliche, imagery throughout. Lines like "He would free all of God's people from the chains of His great Enemy" help illustrate the scale and importance of the conflicts depicted in the story. All-in-all it's a pointed synopsis of Christian doctrine.
Grammar/Punctuation:
There is an amount of unnecessary capitalization, as per "the Beginning," "the Time came," "Beloved from her Fate." This is not bad in itself, especially with the mythological tone the narrator holds. The problem comes from consistency. There are similar occasions that are not capitalized, as per "But in the darkness, a promise was made."
This is the only grammar/punctuation issue and it's something most would never notice, but I do recommend taking it one way or the other. Of course "His," "Messiah" and words denoting the Christian deity are fine remaining capitalized either way.
Suggestions for improvement:
There is a stark contrast between the last paragraph and the rest of the story. Perhaps you should consider building more to it, or hinting at this final message/theme in the earlier parts of the story? You final extrapolation about being a masterpiece of God could use more context to really fit, even if the reader understands what you're saying by that. Perhaps find some way to tie the events you detail in the rest of the story to your own life, or lay in some kind of parallel between your life and the trials of man in Christian mythology?
To consider- If the deity has presented itself to you personally, is it a matter of belief at that point? If a unicorn told you you could never ride one, would you still believe in unicorns?
The flow of this piece is very interesting. There is "motion," right from the beginning, moving the reader forward through life... And in that life, hardship which builds on itself. Right at the line "Trials teach" (the only two-word line, excellent queue) the poem changes direction. After plummeting down a "tunnel" of hardships the reader begins to climb... like a reverse roller-coaster. Save that on the trip back up, the reader is given to contemplate the fall he just felt and learn from that experience :P
You convey a very positive message of taking strength from hardship, but at the same time it doesn't gloss over or mitigate the trials themselves. In fact, true to reality, the growth that comes from "pain," "darkness," and "sorrow" appears as a challenge of it's own. The writer grows, but it isn't easy.
I love it! I think this perfectly captures that moment when a relationship turns bad. It's the moment when you realize that whatever you felt, whatever you had with that person has shifted, changed into something less. "I taste your lips/Where is your heart?" In just two little lines you convey the full weight of acknowledging the space that collects between lovers as they turn into... something else. I think the feeling of uncertainty throughout the whole piece is what makes it most compelling. I'm reminded of dealing with those very same questions, of hoping that the spark can be salvaged. Thank you for sharing.
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