This review is from your Secret Santa! (Which is not me btw. LOL) I hope it’s helpful to you and your work! (I also mean no offence to you or your work, my opinions and suggestions are just that, as I’m no professional. Please do as you see fit ^.^ And as a side note for ya, I’m doing this as I read so I don’t miss anything.)
Hm, in paragraph 2, where you first introduce a boy named Chris, but I’d like to point out that you have a comma after his name, when it might be better to not have one there at all. Also, I think instead of “has fallen in love with.” Should be “had”, I think this would make the sentence flow more and make more sense.
In your third paragraph, you talk about Graziella’s mom calling and telling her about Chris’s arrival, you have arrival as “arival”, just a spelling error.
In paragraph 8, where you talk about Chris’s phone message, I’d just like to make a small suggestion. Your sentence makes sense leaving it as: “It was evident he worried about her. But that was probably because she was like a little sister to him.” However may I point out a few small changes in this next sentence: “It was evident that he was worried about her, but that was probably because she was like a little sister to him.” I added two words to your first sentence, and replaced the period with a comma, lol, a sentence should never start with ‘but’, or at least that’s what I was taught. Just see if you like my suggestion better, if not then there’s no need to worry!
After the three months had passed, in paragraph 2 you should put a comma before the ‘but’ I think. “Graziella asked her what she was happy about, but she said it's better if they talked about it in person.” That way there’s a break in between.
Um, I think there in the car ride home part, where they were talking about Chris’s heart problem (I’m finding myself not liking this guy more and more with every paragraph I read!!) Anyway, in paragraph 5 you have “Her heart was breaking for her, for him...” Maybe it should be “Her heart was breaking for her… And for him...” Or something to that effect, either way an ‘and’ may make a bit of difference. See what you think about it.
In paragraph 6 you have: “She gave Graziella a small smile and said... "By the way, his brother's hot too!” I think the “…” should be after the quotation mark, so it’s not pausing between what she said, but rather her giving the pause.
Two things in your last paragraph for that section, the first part about the smile not reaching her eyes was a bit confusing until I read it over again. Maybe trying a different approach with describing it. Maybe: “Graziella smiled, but it wasn’t one to be remembered.” (Oh, also put the comma after the ‘but’) Or desired instead of remembered… That one’s a little tricky I think.
In the first memory that she’s reflecting back to, in paragraph 1 you have: “ I hope you still remember me." he said, hope in his voice.” I think this should be: “I hope you still remember me." He said with hope in his voice.”
In paragraph 2, after smile should be a comma not a period I think.
In paragraph 4, the ‘h’ in he should be capitalized.
I think paragraphs 5 and 6 should be together in the same paragraph (are you getting sick of that word yet? ) because they both have her ‘speaking’, weather to herself or out loud, it’s the same person so it should be the same paragraph.
You jump from 6 to 7 with no indication that anything changed until after we read her screaming. I think giving a bit of an indicator to the change would be more beneficial. Such as: “At the movies, she found herself screaming along with many of the other people there.” That way the readers will know straight off what’s going on with the change.
In paragraph 8, again after Chris speaks, the ‘h’ in he should be capitalized as it falls straight after a period.
Maybe start paragraph 9 off as: “After the movie, he drove her up to a place he said was secret, and he waited until the right time to show her his secret.” Then have her speak. Again, just indicating the change before hand helps the reader visualize what’s going on.
In 10, “she heard him say.” The ‘she’ should start off with a capital s.
Ok, I won’t point out anymore scene changes, as it’ll make this review more annoying than it already is!
In paragraph 14, again a comma should be before the but. And in 16, after she speaks you need to capitalize the She part and again the comma before the but thing. And same with 17 with the ‘he’ after he’s done speaking about coming back. It should be capitalized. I also think the sentence should be: “He said, looking at her tear-stricken face, he kissed her gently on the forehead...” And in 18 the s in ‘she’ should be capitalized. And in 21 you have another ‘but’ with no comma. And in the same line, instead of sad, maybe you meant bad? Or perhaps the sentence was worded differently. Also in 22 you need to capitalize the s in ‘she’ again. (I know I’m getting really annoying, but I just want to point out all I can.)
In your next part, back in the present, in paragraph 3 asking about the rehearsals, instead of “how” I think you meant “what”.
In paragraph 5, you have: “I guess it can't be help then. I was even very excited in seeing the brother."” I think you meant: “I guess it can't be helped then. I was even excited about seeing his brother."” Maybe?
At the wedding section, in paragraph 2, the she should be She. Lol! Love paragraph 4, but after she stops at the sure that got cut off, the she should be capitalized again, and there should be a comma before the but again. (Please don’t kill me >.<) Paragraph 5, same thing with the capitals. (*is writing her will now* lol) Paragraph also with the capitals. But in the same paragraph the period before the “And” should be a comma and the “And” should be ‘and’.
Again with the capital letter on paragraph 8.
In 17, there should be no punctuation mark after “guess” I think it’s fine without one
In 18 you have: “Sorry for making you remember that. And I guess that's the reason why when I came back you seemed quite aloof at first."” Try this: “Sorry for making you remember that. I guess that's the reason why when I came back, you seemed quite aloof at first."” It might sound better that way.
23 needs a comma before the ‘but’ again. I think in 24, after the word “thrown” you should have a comma before the “and”. As for 25, try this: “Monique said as she hugged her.” And lastly in 27 try “and her to him.” Instead of “she”.
Ok, now that you have your “Wanted” posters posted all around WDC, I can give you my over all opinion. Personally, I’m really glad I chose this work. It made me hate, laugh, and cry! (And not just because of telling you about the errors I found! ) However I must hand it to you, I am no good as a reader, and I usually dread reading longer things, but you managed to create a story that kept my interest and actually made me read ahead of the review!
I really loved the twist in this story, and in all honesty, the speech only made the surroundings an endless possibility for each reader, but maybe adding a little bit of meat in there won’t hurt. I’ll agree with the others who have rated this work, 4 stars, as this is a fairy tale type story (which I love those btw), but it’s not yet perfect as I did find… A few errors… (*Keeps head down and doesn’t look up above this text*)
I know my review must seem annoying, but I hope it ends up being helpful at some point. Also, if you ever get done reading the review (without smashing the computer lol) let me know what you think of it! (To be honest, I’m proud of this review, I think it’s my longest yet! XD)
One last reminder that this review was gifted to you by your Secret Santa! So Merry Christmas and I hope you liked their gift!!
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