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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lisakindberg
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93 Public Reviews Given
93 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Carry Me  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Three little letters to form one word which means so much; Wow!

I had thought I'd have a quick read whilst enjoying my afternoon cuppa but your story captured my attention and my imagination completely. First, you made me think about the lack of services and attention we give our veterans, then you put an amazing twist to the story by offering a female combat veteran and introducing a stranger who might better be able to help her return to a more active life. I know more is coming, I hope to learn about the others Gil has provided services for, and to see how Elly progresses with her rehabilitation and what life holds in her future.

Thank you so much for sharing your work. I cannot wait to read more.
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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Fran, I' Donating 50K, have no idea how this project works though! I'm slowly trying to work my way out of a personal fog-bank :/
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Review of Emoticon Fun  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Congratulations Sum1,

You've done what I've only thought about doing on WdC. Since childhood, I've loved reading rebus stories. I still have an old one, "The Art Of Making Money Plenty ~ in Every Man's Pocket" by Doctor [Benjamin] Franklin. It is on parchment paper and mounted on rolled tin. *Smile*

The only suggestion I would make is to take out the word "yellow" because it is a yellow duckie!

Thanks for sharing your work!

Be well and take care *Smile*
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Review of The Death Lady  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Excellent work Vance!

I was drawn into your story rather quickly. You provided detailed descriptions of what Cara saw, thought, and heard as she and her siblings approached the citadel and gained entrance through the black wall. I liked the way you incorporated the selection process with purpose of the four towers as various seekers for selection were identified and given their assignments.

I noticed no issues with spelling, punctuation, grammar, or POV.

I can't wait to read more after "...all hell broke out."

Be well and take care!
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Review of The Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Websterb,

Welcome to WdC. *Smile* I saw your request for a review and stopped by. Your title, "The Letter" caught my attention and made me wonder what sort of letter you were going to write about. If this is your first 500 words then you have a good grasp on how to get started; so, to answer your question, yes, I would be interested in seeing where the "letter" takes your character.

I'll share a couple thoughts I had whilst reading. I quote what you wrote and put my comments within brackets.

"I heard the violent clash of ..." [what made the noise violent?]
"...forming the each word with care." [likely a cut/paste issue]
"I read the short letter several times until my brain had absorbed the words and I moved from my state of uncertainty just a short time ago to accepting a new reality that as much as I wanted to struggle against, I could not deny." [Seems a bit awkward, perhaps punctuation would help?]

From my own experience it takes a certain level of courage to put our work out there; kudos to you for having the courage to share your work. Thank you!

Be well, take care, and keep writing!
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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Cazmae,

As I promised when replying to your post in Noticing Newbies, I'm here to offer a review.

First I'll confess that I haven't the foggiest notion about how to give an in-depth review of poetic form. I do hope that some of our poetic writers stop by to review on that particular form.

However, I can comment on the content of your poem. I like that you share feelings from your heart, rather than just the events from your life that caused changes. Many of us understand the strain that life challenges can bring. It is in our responses to those changes that we grow, and from what you've shared here, you are on a journey of growth. Thank you for sharing your work.

I wish you well on your journey!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Marvel99, I saw your review request on the Newbie Request page and the Dragon Tamer title caught my eye. Please keep in mind that I'm fairly new to this site myself. I'm not a professional reviewer or proofreader; others who are more experienced my review your work differently.

You have given the basis of an interesting tale. I've made a mental note to myself, if I see a review request for anything that says, Chapter Two, I should go read Chapter One first! This whole review process is as much a learning process for the reviewer as for the author!

Never-the-less, I read here an interesting piece of fantasy/action fiction. May I gently suggest, to help ease the visual eyestrain, you give your readers a little white space between paragraphs? One thing one of my reviewers showed me was how to revise a sentence (or paragraph) to highlight an important part.

For instance:
"Wait! What about the madness? I need to know what to look for." I halted him with a hand on his crest, my fingers working through the small holes to hold him back. In all the years he had taught me, he had never told me what the madness was, or how it manifested in tamers.”

Perhaps this might be a bit stronger by keeping like ideas together.
"Wait!” With a hand on his crest, my fingers worked through the small holes to hold him back, “What about the madness? I need to know what to look for." In all the years he had taught me, he had never told me what the madness was, or how it manifested in tamers.

Does it seem that the call to Wait! together with the action of holding him back, and continuing with the question, makes a stronger impression? I may be wrong but it seems stronger to me. Also, you may want to be mindful of word usage, i.e.,"...but thinner then[than]the jacket..."

Again, these are my thoughts only! Ultimately it is up to you to decide whether they make sense to you, or should be ignored.

Be well, take care, and keep writing!
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Review of "Head Sled Dog"  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mandibis *Smile*

I saw your request for a review on the Newbie request page. Your title, "Head Sled Dog" and brief description caught my attention. My expectations from your title and description were fully met. Those of us who have held positions where we quickly moved up from within the ranks can fully appreciate your experience. When I read to review, the first thing I look for is whether or not an author made his or her thoughts clear. In this case you did so very well. Please keep in mind that I am not a professional reviewer so the thoughts I share below are mine only. Other reviewers may have differing opinions.

Issues I caught:

"Head Sled Dog" - that was my nickname at my job. It was given to me by one of the people who worked under me, [passive choice - perhaps stronger phrasing might be: One of the people who worked under me gave it to me)] and as soon as he said it, I knew it was both [not really needed for clarity] a compliment and insult."
I sometimes have trouble rewording passive sentences too.

"Six years ago,..."

"Looking back, I wish I wasn't so nae(typo?)..."

As you read through your work you may find other areas to strengthen.

Thank you for sharing your work and I wish you all the best as you continue to adopt more skills in people management.

Be well, take care and keep writing!





Thank you for sharing your work.
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Review of Call of the Void  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very nicely crafted Ashling!

I can easily picture this scene and the thoughts and feeling the emotions of your unnamed protagonist. Your writing here shows a firm understanding of creating a believable scene and developing an emotional response for your character that will engage your reader. I hope you received a very good grade for your work.

Be well, take care and keep writing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Aw, gee Lilith, I wish I understood more of poetic form to comment on your poetry from a poet's view. That said, I caught your main idea about the elements of life that we wish to hold onto, or wish to leave behind.

The sentences: "Along with time, and again my characters." and "Some make you feel, some make you realize." and A change for the better. seem to be sentence fragments, at least in my mind. Perhaps that is acceptable in poetic form.

I'm wishing you well on your poetic journey!

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Well said Elaine!

I love when experienced members share their insights!

Number 4 prompts me to go take a look at my brief descriptions! Thanks for the prod *Smile*

I'm particularly fond of tips given in numbers:

5. I can forgive some spelling or grammatical errors but if a piece is rife with them, I close it and move on unless the piece has a particularly good appeal to me. Then I'll use a few examples to demonstrate issues and provide links to resources for learning more.

6. Yes, as in speaking we need to take a breath, in writing our eyes need a break.

7. When an author responds: "Oh, I didn't have time to proof read first; I just threw it up there! *Shock* I'm left thinking, 'Oh, well thank you so much for wasting my time. When I've taken time to read and compose a fair review, it irks the daylights that someone would be so very disrespectful of his or her readers.

8. A little courtesy goes a long way to prompt me to read more of a person's work.

I'm so new I've not encountered whiners, and haven't a clue about sponsors!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Be well and take care, Lisa
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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is an excellent piece Grimoire!

"Sure enough, I sneezed.

In 1987 there were over two thousand accidental deaths by firearms. When the gun bucked in my hand and shot away the top of my father's head we must've ranked around fifteen hundred. That was in the middle of a hot summer night, July 5th, my seventh birthday."

Wow, talk about an attention getting capture, you sure crafted one there. I might have expected something tragic was coming, but this section still stunned me.

You have an excellent manner of expression and eye for sharing salient details with your reader.

Should you decide to write a book based on this, I hope to have a chance to read the full story.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*



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Review of One Flower  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Madeline,

I saw your request for a review in the Noticing Newbies Forum.

Since this looks like it is the very beginning of your "One Flower" item there isn't much to review here just yet.

However, I gently suggest you proof your work before submission.

Typo: "A young girl dicovers{/u) [ discovers ] her fate as a princess and finds a trustable talking flower."
Word choice: "...trustable..." seems awkward to me; perhaps trustworthy might be a better choice?
"There was [ were[/i} murmurs..."

I hope these comments help. Please remember, these are my opinions only. Other reviewers might view your work differently.

Thank you for sharing. Be well and keep writing!

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Just sending along a wee donation *Smile*
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Review of The man next door  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Megahns,

By describing the colored lights flashing into your room and the expression on your father's face, you let your reader share your memory. This captures the essence of your experience the night your next door neighbor passed away. You offered glimpses that indicate why this neighbor was loved and will be missed by neighborhood children. Well done!

I don't know very much about poetic form, but I do know a bit about correct word use, grammar, and punctuation. The following notes are about areas for improvement.

Example: "People wearing these black uniforms with a little shiny star on there [their] left shoulder." and, "...we all walk pass [past] the house..." and also, "I still wonder what cased [caused?] him..." By proof reading you may have caught these problems.

You may want to review Commonly confused words: http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/us/words/commonl...

Please keep in mind, I am not a professional reviewer, just another struggling writer just like you. Other reviewers might rate this item differently.

Be well and take care.
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi C.R.J.

I had to pop down here to the review section to say straight out, I literally laughed out loud before finishing the first stanza! *Delight* I shall now put down my sandwich and drink and resume reading... *Wink*

"Their first thought would be: He could have just said it was raining." How utterly boring folks like they must be! "But if you don't want to share, because you think people won't care, You could be making a mistake you'll regret deeply." Ah-ha, here the dreaded dung beetle of fear creeps in! *Poison*

Please understand I am not a professional reviewer, others may read this piece and think differently; that said, here's what I thought whilst reading:

First impression: Forget that, I'll be succinct -- this was a charming bit of writing! Do you suckle a chip from the Blarney stone? IMHO, you can just stop with the "aspiring" bit. You are a gifted author!

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*
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Review of Billy Goat Danny  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jerry,
What a delightful story. You have a true knack for drawing your reader, young and old alike, into the story. Your character names are charming too. A well told tale, left me wishing that Billy Goat Danny finds another dictionary soon. *Smile* Will these characters be recurring with future stories?

I only noticed two typos: It's a book with a bunch of words in int. [in it?]
and: "You need to go outside and show Farmer John was[what?] you can do."

Thank you for sharing your work. These comments are my thoughts only, another reviewer might think differently.

Be well and take care!
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Review of Fear Not the Dark  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Dang Sharon,
I'm impressed! Your short story had all the elements needed: POV, characterization, imagery, (I loved the use of green for the alarm panel) building suspense, conflict, climax and resolution. Your story was easy to read, flowed smoothly, and left this reader satisfied. I'm not talented enough to comment on punctuation but it looked great to me.

Since I wrote one very brief POV piece based on a picture I now see how totally inadequate my tempt was. Here's what I learned from you. *Smile* Next time I will use the given assignment to construct a more complete story.

Thanks for sharing your work!
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Review of Lady's New World  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nicely done Cornhusker!

Overall impression: You have a talent for descriptions that can easily capture the imagination. I liked the pacing of the story as it told of Lady's adventure exploring the yard and meeting her neighbors. Could there possibly be a future story where TomCat Teddy learns to get along with others?

Any issues: One small typo - in the squirrel section ...paw "onn" That's all I saw.

Thank you for sharing your work, be well and take care!

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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fantastic! Setup, flow, slowly revealing the nature of your affection for Ralph; even the bit of jealousy over Ralph's relationship and possibly drawing closer to your wife -- priceless. I admit, I for a while I thought Ralph was your dog (with old Yeller.) To hold the truth until the close was sweet release.

Thank you for sharing your work! Be well and take care.
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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Okay, I'm grinning, thank you! I'm old enough to remember iceboxes (and darning eggs, washboards, outhouses, well pumps, zinc wash tubs...) and had a mother and aunts, fathers and uncles who "saved" everything. The ladies saved home canned goods that eventually turned so black the contents were unrecognizable. The gents saved rubber bands, screws and nails of every shape and size, rusted tools.... but hey, you'll never know when you'll need it! I'm not going to say a thing about remembering where it was put...

Your humorous satire was well written and offered many chuckles. You have a fine ability to take your reader with you during this task. Thank you for sharing your work.

Be well and take care!
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Review of To Save a Patient  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a nicely told tale Magicmama! I loved the way you set the time frame, "...accepted the hand of the groom who assisted her in exiting her steam car..." and "It was obvious that her sister had been bled." Spooky, spooky, spooky, and closed with a lovely ending, "...and Dr. Elizabeth Newcastle, vampire hunter, smiled."

In your writing I see you have a clear grasp of spelling, grammar and punctuation. You fully employ the elements of setting, environment, building your story, reaching the climax and closing with a solid ending.

Thank you for sharing your work! Be well and take care :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of The Birdfeeder  Open in new Window.
Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Cute story Cornhusker! Your set-up and delivery played well all the way to the end. Poor Samantha, always the chick caught by the bright ideas of her male friends... that's never happened before, has it? :)
The only suggestion I would make is for you to read your work again, there are a few typo's I'm sure you'll catch when you do.

Nice job, take care and keep writing!
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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a well told story Neon. You effectively captured the sights, feelings and the utter exhaustion of walking a long hot desert trek. The interaction of the outlaws and the new guy seem very similar to gang initiations of today's world. I am wishing you well as you continue to write. Thanks for sharing your work.

*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" Open in new Window.! *BalloonR*
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Review by MerryAntique Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very well written MM! I found the tale to be captivating and entertaining. I don't often suggest revisions but with the line: "Santo San nodded. All the men stared in consternation at Naochi, and the women gasped." Perhaps you would like to put the emphasis on the male villager's consternation? An easy reversal might put the focus on that element. Example: "Santo San nodded. The women gasped and all the men stared in consternation at Naochi."

I look forward to reading more of your work :)


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lisakindberg