Well, this seems to be an easy read. But that's just another tricky appearance!
I think the idea of writing something as a complete monologue of a friend talking to another is brilliant! You managed to say horrible things, traumatizing things, in such a simplistic way, that one would expect the events to appear less terrible. In fact, the effect is just the opposite.
The first few lines are wonderfully catchy. One has to go on reading to understand who is saying what and why, and as one reads, there's the need to keep on reading, just to find out where's this all leading to.
I liked your humor and its winding sides; it can go from simply amusing description ( I think you are from the foundation. True? Yes, in that case, my brain must be having a good day; The other day in the dining room several of us lost our partials in the bread pudding. Victoria had a fit when they took her plate away with her dentures in it. She didn’t care for the dentures. She wanted her pudding. You should have seen it. It was so funny. . . ; etc) to a somewhat black humor, with its simplicity covering the sad, dark side of it (One day at dusk, I looked up and saw flashes of lightning with booming thunder. The big buildings in the city were going up in flames. As I chewed on a piece of bread, I imagined that God was trying to entertain the little German children and especially the boys, because they were the ones who liked noise. I also thought, since we all sang marches and raised our arms to salute, we possibly deserved that entertainment from Heaven.)
I loved the metaphor of the bread and how the entire story whirls smoothly around alluding to the 'dusty' beginnings, the harsh growing, and the inevitable ageing, yet the indispensability of it and its unforgettable nature.
Just watch out for the inevitable mistakes, like " as if I was one her many children" instead of "as if I was one of her many children".
Great read!
Joan
P.S. "Sometimes in this nursing home, the past seems irrelevant, as if it is just something you wake up from" - People need that kind of nursing. You made a brilliant point.
Well, you've got the rare talent of writing about something, that is, in fact, nothing concrete. Which is wonderful! Because people need to read about a nothing that they can turn into a something of their own.
Everyone can understand whatever they choose of your poem. That means there's a high chance that lots of people will enjoy it, because it's accessible.
Well done.
You used nice figures of speech, and you played with the words quite skillfully!
For instance, the lines ''It's too quiet. Too dark. Too still. Too nothing.'' and "This nothing that's something./It's nowhere. Everywhere./Deafening silence." are just beautiful.
But "The more it's not there, the more it is." just caught me.
This is great. It has it all: suspense, clever use of words and strong visual images. I can almost feel the desperation of the character, which is vital for a short story.
I particularly liked ''even the light cast far too many shadows''. It works well as a foreshadowing for the metaphor you are presenting later in the story. You could consider developing this idea even more, it's worth trying.
I also enjoyed how you intelligently ended it.
Nevertheless, there might be a thing you forgot to mention. Unlike death, when you fade away, you don't fade away for good. You can always try and come back. But that depends on what perspective you decide to adopt.
''When nothing you do matters any more, do you simply fade away?''
Who decides that what you do matters? You. [as far as I, personally, see it]
I am quite fond of poetry, in general, and I simply love yours. This poem is just so rich with honesty, and there's a bittersweet emotion pulsating inside it. I know it can be interpreted in many ways, but for me this is the loveliest confessing.
'with feelings of God-like
proportion
praying again for the
veins in our hands to be
running our good blood' - genius.
Also, it's inspired not to use any punctuation marks. It's like an endless sentence. The message is so strong that needs no commas, nor anything of that sort.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that it's got me fascinated.
There are some little things you should consider revising:
-Watch out for punctuation:
'Just do it?!” He ordered him.' It's an order, so I don't see the point in putting the question mark. 'Perhaps Just do it!" He ordered him' would be enough.
“Do you even KNOW what ‘walk’ means!' Here, on the other hand, it would have been better to use the question mark rather than the exclamation mark: 'Do you even know what 'walk' means?!'
Also, be careful. You must have wrote it quickly, during the 'inspirational moment', and that's why you missed some things:
'That’s it I had enough!' You forgot to end the sentence: 'That's it! I had enough!'.
Be attentive not to do any grammar errors: ' Steve’s wife looked worriedly over to WEAR her husband was wrestling himself.' It should be 'Steve’s wife looked worriedly over to WHERE her husband was wrestling WITH himself.'
When you said : 'you cry baby!”' I believe you meant that he was a CRYING baby.
Anyway, these are minor things, and you can take care of them easily.
Your story is intelligent and thought provoking, as well as original! Keep up the good work!
Ha! Yes, this was indeed so amusing, and at the same time, really well written. I noticed the sarcasm in some sentences; you've put it just in the right place.
You contoured this naive, yet smart and well-intentioned character, which allows the reader to empathize with him, and this way you convince people to 'stay with your character' until the end of the piece.
By the way, the closure seems to be part of the irony of the story and is so inspired!
This is a light, wonderful read. If you printed this out, I would be reading it sitting comfortably on my sofa, chilling on a rainy day, or whenever I'd be down and needed to be cheered-up.
I think you could also write some sort of collection of different short stories, but keeping the same main character and put them all in a book. Well, it's just an idea.
You should keep writing, anyway. I'm really looking forward to reading more of your work.
Brilliant!
Good work!
You almost got me scared of your mind, but actually, I am now more curious than ever.
Maybe it will help explaining a little why it is so dangerous, and how on earth someone could possibly end up in your mind.
This wee piece could be turned into a wonderful poem, perhaps you might take that into consideration. It has a lot of potential,
There are certainly some important things we need to learn. What you've wrote here is far from being impossible, it's compulsory that we learn to keep some sort of balance in life.
The reading was splendid! I was hooked from the first lines - simple and clear.
I also liked the fact that you didn't use too 'precious' expressions, or complicated wording, although you tend to use too simple words at times.
For example : 'I felt sad that I couldn't answer her question.' and 'I felt sad that I couldn't answer the most pertinent question of her life.' It's brilliant that you used the same word, describing the same feeling in both situations, this way showing how your character gradually became aware, conscious of the increasing danger, but I felt like there was a need for a stronger word. 'I felt sad' loosens the tension of the plot, and seems to be to light for the situation.
Also, 'I had to shoot a man who came at me with a hatchet.' is the only sentence you built to describe the situation where your character killed a man. I think it would have worked better if you describe the feeling you got then, as well. I was waiting for disappointment, depression, desperation or anything except for nothing at all. I know, you can feel the anger and the terror in the situation itself, but that's not always enough.
Anyway, these are the only suggestions. Mainly, I think it's a great story, you have a wonderful style! I love your humor ' “I wouldn’t think so,” I said, wondering if my college diploma was authentic.' and 'I painted a thoughtful expression on my face and nodded as if I understood. I was thinking that if I stood on my chair, on my tiptoes, it would all still be way over my head. '
Wonderful piece, I enjoyed it all the way to the end.
Has this really happened to you?This passage is written in a strong autobiographical style, that's why I'm asking...
Your character is so close to reality; it really seems like a little boy is confused. We are never prepared for death, not even when we're grown up, intelligent people. So how can a boy be expected to cope with it, to understand it?
Still, it is remarkable that the little boy realized he was selfish and that his feelings of anger and hatred were not alright, if he didn't want his brother to see them even if Donald was dead.
Touching story. It's sad that we have to grow up and accept death, especially when we are young and vulnerable. I guess death just doesn't care about our age.
This is the kind of story I, personally, like the most- with unexpected endings.
You managed to hook the reader from the first lines. I wanted to know why were his wife and friend fighting, and why was he waiting in his room like a grounded child.
Lovely written. Your description in the first paragraph was so visual that I just felt I was actually in the room. It made me want December to come already!
However, there's a sentence where you say 'Her aroma [...] could only arouse memories this night'. If I'm not wrong, I think it should go like this 'Her aroma [...] could only arise memories'.
Anyway, good job and nice style.
You say a story in your poem.
It is touching, moving.
Everyone wants to believe in love beyond death, true feelings, deep emotions. It is a hard thing to believe, though, for many of us.
Nobody is really sure until he or she actually feels it.
Anyway, nice poem, nice wording, and beautiful metaphors.
The whole poem sounds, indeed, like a whisper.
Hello, there.
I read your story twice before I finally got the courage to write a review on it. I find it quite intriguing, actually.
Your story is really visual. As I read it, I was under the strange impression that I was watching the movie (it would make a pretty good movie, by the way).Your descriptions are captivating, you do have what they call "a way with words". You do have a nice way of describing and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work.
I particularly liked the way you joined "the smile with all sorts of adjectives throughout the story: from "nice smile", "simple smile", to "aloof and mysterious" and "sardonically smiling".
I also enjoyed the way you built your characters and the unusual relationship between them. The way he finds their small talk close to a background music, focusing on her like analyzing a painting, showed he didn't perceive her as a real, palpable human being.
The ending was brilliant. Simple, yet not clear enough. Anyone can imagine what's next.
It's the sort of undefined story that needn't be continued, so that the taste of uncertainty can maintain its charm.
Nevertheless, there is one thing I didn't find quite right:
At one point, you say "The paintings reminded him of the receptionist with the strange smile and it bothered him." Who's "him"? I doubt it's the artist you're talking about. I believe it would make more sense if you said "The paintings reminded ME of the receptionist with the strange smile and it bothered me."
Overall, I personally enjoyed it. You have a wonderful style. I hope I didn't bore you too much with my huge review.
My, it really does seem quite big, doesn't it?!
Well, at least I hope it was useful.
The way you described love in your poem is amusing and still realistic(well, as realistic as love can be described, because I was proven many times that love has a thin connection to reality). Nice wording, you've done there. Your poem is, indeed, classic and the way you repeated 'enough' highlights the need to feel complete in love.
But everything I've just written can have no meaning whatsoever, in your eyes.
All I think you should really know, is that your poem made me smile. And I mean it in the best way possible.
I completely understand, or anyhow, I'm under that impression.
But, tell me, if you don't like it here, and you obviously resent there, where is it that you find your joy not altered by that sinister touch?
We all need our 'own safe place', like you call it.
The poem is really amusing and quite charming, I could say. You must have a great deal of talent to say serious things in such a funny way. I had a very good time reading your work. Lis
'I was lost in a fog.' What a beautiful metaphor describing the love that haunts us all our life, and even beyond it.
The first sentence of your story practically forces the reader to keep on reading. I say it in the best way possible. I like the fact that you told a tale of the Greater Love in simple words. You didn't complicate yourself by using expressions which are hard to understand, and that is a great idea.
The manner in which you write made me think of the novels of eighteen century,though, which may confuse a bit the reader. In some parts, you used a lot of adjectives and adverbs, and that tends to tire people.
Your comparisons, on the other hand, were really inspired and cast a delicate fragrance of calmness on the whole story. That is a big quality, at least as far as I'm concerned.
The story is breathtaking, I couldn't stop reading it and was disappointed to see it ending. I honestly think you should not end it here. I see your story like the sketch of a painting, of a masterpiece. The theme of the sketch is not rarely encountered in literature, but the way that you put it in 'colors' is way better that good; however, I feel that it is not finished yet.
This could be the first chapter of a great book, you know. Maybe they would make a movie out of it, too.
It may be the next bestseller, who knows?
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