Hi carlton607 ,
I've just finished reading "Annie" , and would like to offer the following comments.
Please Note: I am not a experienced or professional editor of any kind. Below are my personal opinions as a lover of books and words of all sorts and as a fellow writer seeking to express my inner passions.
Special Note: I would like to start off by congratulating you on your short story. It takes great strength and courage to begin a project and see it to completion. Writing a story of any kind is thought up by our inner wills and passions.
Now, I will begin my review of your story. I ask that you keep an open mind and believe that my only aim here is to help and encourage you as a writer. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.
My Initial Impression:
Annie seemed to have some psychological issues, possibly because of something that occurred to her in the past-(this was hinted at, but nothing was told) or maybe some unseen forced dredge up in her mind. It was difficult to tell, because she would cry one moment, laugh the next and be afraid at the same time. My impression is still being determined.
Your Characters:
Annie was a bit wacko, which could really be a good thing, provided the story is told the right way.
Buster, however was a great companion character used to help keep Annie comforted. Great Job
Your Story Dialogue:
I read the story several times and was still Left baffled and confused. I am going to give several examples, maybe even a line by line critique to help you in creating a flow that is easy to read. Please be advised, these will be my personal opinions only, it does not mean, nor will I imply that you must use my ideas. As they are just that. My ideas.
Your Setting
Was located in Annie’s bedroom. You stated a window was located inside, but did not go into the room’s surrounding. I would have liked to see the coloring of her walls. Did she use a quilt or comforter? Did she have hardwood floors or carpet? Did Buster have his own doggie bed? Was there a TV inside, books, candles? In what year did this take place?
Your Plot:
Lead up to Annie’s death, but did not give a reason as to why. Was it natural causes? Did she kill herself?
Your Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
sole- should be soul
waste- should be waist waste=to throw away waist=a person midsection
sobbed and wailed means the same thing and should not be used together and in the same sentence.
Pieceful- should be peaceful
Mut- should be mutt
Passed- should be past
My Favorite Lines:
In the murky darkness of her protection she hummed a song that she had sung in days past. It’s always nice to revisit past situations or in Annie’s case a tune.
My Suggestions/Critique:
It was a stormy and dark night and Annie screamed out loud. "Why?" screamed Annie? It was a dark and stormy night. “Why?” Annie screamed.
She was popular and she liked to knit socks in her spare time. I’m unable to add anything in place of this sentence, as I’m not sure what it has to do with the plot or Annie screaming.
Annie worried and was alone in her house. She was alone in the house and that worried her.
Annie was frail. But she screamed out loud in that dark and storm. (It seems you are attempting to give face to Annie’s person.) She was not that old and her hair was blonde turning brown and her waste was small.
Annie worried about something. (What was the something Annie worried about?
Her dog barked. Then suddenly her room was brightened by clashes of lightening that bit into her sole in a way that deeply gnawed at her and sobbed wailingly At her Buster’s bark, a sudden clash of light brighten her bedroom. The flash caused a deep fear that gnawed deeply at her soul and she sobbed. Teardrops moistened her rosy cheeks as she thought of a time, long ago. the teardrops moistening her rosy cheeks and she worried about that time from long ago when it had happened. Annie was a frail woman, with a thin waistline and blonde hair turned brown in a few areas.
(You can make your beats and tags flow better with simple wording and descriptions.)
(This would be the time to go into the past. Give a view of what occurred to her that time long ago.)
Outside her house she knew someone was trying to hide in the bushes and she sat up in bed in a panic state and worried. She had a feeling of being watched. Was someone outside hiding in her bushes? She sat up in a panic and raised her head to the window. She gasped, and Buster barked again. Her breathes came in deep gasps. Her dog barked again. She extended a withered arm out to comfort him, but was too weak to do so. He looked at her with soulful eyes and that helped to lighten her mood. She laughed in an uproarious fashion. “It’s okay, Buster. There’s nothing to worry about,” she cooed. himAnnie tried to comfort her dog but she was too weaked to do that. Her withered arm reached out but it didn't work. Her dog, Buster, looked at her with soleful drole eyes and Annie laughed out loud in an uproarious fashion and said,
Buster must have been able to feel Annie’s fear, for when the loud thunder sounded, he barked and pushed the blanket toward her with his nose. She raised it over her head and shook with fear. knew that Annie needed help. He barked again when he heard a flash of thunder and Annie pulled the blankets over her face in a quick and scared way. Buster was a mix breed dog and he liked to play. (Somehow, add this last part at the beginning, at Buster’s introduction.)
With the covers over her head, her mind drifted back to her youth when the incident happened. She was so young and beautiful. Then she thought of the time when she’d first gotten Buster as a puppy. She giggled and turned onto her side, and groaned in pain from the sudden movement. She wanted to clutch her heart but could not raise her hands. Her sea blue eyes filled with tears. Before Annie pulled the blankets over her face she thought about how young and beautiful she was when it had happened. She giggled and remembered the time when Buster was a puppy and turned sullenly onto her side. Annie groaned at the pain she felt and tried to clutch her heart but her hands didn't move. She gathered up all her strength to pull the blankets over her.
In the murky darkness of her protection she hummed a song that she had sung in days past. It brought her comfort and she sighed in relief, her teeth shined in the darkness, (this is not necessary) but her condition prevented her from feeling safe. Her blonde hair reminded her of that time long ago when it happened. She looked at her long strands of hair, the still visible blonde coloring reminded her again of that time long ago.
At Buster’s foot falls, she lowered the blankets and watched as he strolled out into the hallway. He curled up into his favorite ball and went to sleep. rolled over and went to sleep out in the hallway. Annie wondered why Buster did that even though she couldn't see him. Her sky blue eyes moistened with tears that threatened to spill out unannounced and stain her pillow. Her once apple red cheeks turned pale like fresh coconut flakes underneath her blankets and Buster knew he had to do something to help her. He knew that Annie never referred to him as a mut mutt. (I’m not sure how all this fits in, but you can take and add her cheek color to her description above)
The high winds caused Annie to fear a hurricane or a tornado.The winds outside her window had her fearing a hurricane or tornado. Again she lifted the covers over her head. She was petrified like a peace of old wood. Her face froze in the heat under her covers and she sweat,(How does her face freeze in heat?) She remained calm in spite of what had happened in the past, a past she wanted to forget but she couldn't stop remembering. (The wording is not bad there, but again, what past?) With those thoughts in her mind she drifted off into a pieceful peaceful slumber.
She dreamed of what had happened and several times she woke up in a chilling puddle of worry. (Please, I beg you. Share the occurrence)
The next thing she knew, was the sun was shining in through her bedroom window. It was bright and cheery and she felt that she had survived another night of distress despite what had happened to her. Buster barked. She lifted the blankets covering her tear stained weary face and was suddenly blinded by the brilliant light of a new day, a feeling of hope filled Annie. (Not bad)
She laughed and reached out for Buster and was surprised to see that her body had been rejuvenated. Buster barked loudly at seeing her resurrection. She knew he was happy because of his tail wagged. Her arm that had been paltry was now as plump as a chicken ready to be roasted.
Annie hugged Buster and thought how lucky she was.
Buster licked her face. and Annie said, "Oh Buster,...my passed past is gone." She laughed and he licked and her once ash cheeks, now turned red like a cardinal in flight seeking it's freedom.
Later that morning Annie died and Buster barked sadly at her. (Okay, I have to admit, I felt extremely cheated by this end. Please explain her illness, what happened to her?)
Please Remember,
Again: This is my personal review. Please keep an open mind and understand I only aim to help and encourage. Please disregard anything not deemed so, as that is not my intention.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Keep Writing! You can do it!!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
|