This has merit. The story is intriguing from the get-go, enough so that it draws the reader in. I like the way you’ve woven backstory in, but I’d caution you that too much at the beginning may make the piece read a little more abstract than you intend. Still, this is an easy fix.
You shift POV in several places, and this is a flaw you need to correct, but, again, easy.
I’ve made notes. Please disregard anything you disagree with as simply my opinion.
Betrayed
Moonlight danced on the ripples of the Estin River. The air was eerily still, unusual for this time of year. Shay Megar heard the sound of a smallthis is overwriting twig crackle beneath his soft leatherunless your use of adjectives adds something to the story, avoid them and show, instead of tell. boot. His mind was too distracted to care how much noise he was making. Nightmares haunted him no matter how tired he was. Whenever he shut his eyes all he could see were the faces of dead friends. Lack of sleep, the pain of many slashes to his body, and the one deep cut of an axe to his right thigh made the trek to the city of Mingtnel slow and agonizing.
Much of what I suggest cutting is simple overwriting. The thing is, if it doesn’t make any difference, be very wary of adding adjectives.
It had been three days since Corbin betrayed the orderOrder should be capitalized and still Shay could not believe his friend was a Bloodletter. Stumbling over a broken tree branch Shay fell to his knees. His right leg throbbed where the traitor's axe cut into his muscle. As he looked down at the wound his hand came up to his cheek to brush away dried blood and dirt. Realizing the blood quite possibly belonged to his familiar Kavick, Shay was overtaken by a fit of anger.rewrite as “a fit of anger overtook him.” He pounded the ground with bloody fists as if it was the cause of his frustration. He heard a loud scream, like that of an animal being torn apart. Gaining control over his senses, reality hit Shay in the chest like a hammer. By the time he realized the sound was coming from him, it was just a dull whimper. I think you are going to have a tough time convincing a reader that Shay was unaware the scream was his own. I’d suggest a slight rewrite here.
Shaking his head to clear his thoughts Shay remembered his objective. I must gain control. I cannot rest until I talk to Landis. Their deaths will not be in vain.
Propping up against a tree, Shay caught his breath and looked around to ensure no one was near. Rewrite this as “Shay propped himself against a tree to catch his breath. The reader will get the rest without you telling them. How could I let my self lose control so violently!
Shay gritted his teeth, angry at how foolish he had become. I have to assume someone heard me. This is telling the reader. Let them figure this out. Most will probably assume this anyway. I must be more careful. It’s not safe; one of the Bloodless may have followed me. Shay looked around once more and stared down at the offending branch.
Shay knew his limp was getting worse; he began to wonder if he would ever see the Magi Tower again. Don’t think just keep moving, one step then another. I need to focus. I need to reach the city; perhaps there I can rest.
The city of Mingtnel is a rough place, built in a hostile environment with few friendly faces. The city is the last line of defense against the many Bloodless living in caves and the underground tunnels of Ragor Mountains. Beyond the peaks of Ragor Mountains lays the Valley of Soulless; a vast, desolate plain of the walking dead. The mountain range forms a natural barrier against the Bloodborn. Once a peaceful people, their lust for immortality has resulted in the creation of the Bloodless; men and women who were sacrificed for there spirit energies, leaving nothing more then an empty, mindless body controlled by the Bloodborn, and there lackeys the Bloodletters.
This is one of the places you shift POV. It makes for a very confusing read. You go from Shay’s POV, to the omniscient, with no discernable segue. Also, all of this is telling, not showing. I’d suggest writing this in later.
About two hundred feet from the north wall, in the dense forest, Shay looked upon the city. Leaning against the branch which served asunless it’s necessary or important to mention his stick is a branch, leave it out. his walking stickcomma here he started to remove his Ranger garb. Shay removed his Shaded Cloak; its dark colors make the owner seem to be more a shadow then anything else. Reluctantly Shay tucked The Mark of Nature inside his mud stained tunic. It was in the shape of a wolf, his fallen familiar, he tried to picture his guide was still beside him. The mark was a link between the familiar and the magi. This talisman is the first item a student of a Magi Tower receives after finishing the seven challenges of Wayward Forest. The bond between a Magi and their guide is very strong. Once lostcomma a Magi can choose to link with another, but rarely does. After donning his dirty brown travel cloak from his pack Shay continued to tread through the forest toward the nearest gate.
Shay looked down at himself then slowly raised his gazegazed toward the citycomma defiantly. I should be greeted as a guest of honor, not hiding who I am.
The lack of companions and friendly banter reminded him of the sacrifice his friends made and the danger he was still in. I must talk to Landis; no one else can know I’ve survived. Too much is at risk. The wound in my leg is reminder enough that I can trust no one.
Rubbing his hand over the blood soaked cloth Shay used as a bandage, his thoughts wandered to questions left unanswered. Why would Corbin betray the guild? More importantly what was the Bloodborn planning? Corbin Mordikai has always been very ambitious, but to become a Bloodletter is a bit much even for him.
The wound throbbed even harder as all the questions raddled inside Shays head. Once again he wondered why he was alive when so many others were dead. I only hope Landis is at the inn waiting for me as we planed so long ago. all this adds nothing to the story. Also, the foreshadowing kills the suspense.
Looking down why is Shay always looking down? at a small flat rock with the shape of a skull engraved on its surface comma Shay wished the guild had never heard of the rune whose power, if the ancient texts are correct, willwould enable the owner to control the Bloodless when correctly evoked. With the rune of death in my possessioncomma the entire valley of soulless will want my head. I need to hide my identity until I can figure out just how far the guild’s corruption extends. Landis will be waiting for me, if I can get to the inn, he will know what to do.
Shay wrapped his dirty cloak tightly to conceal his weapons, and pulled the hood over his face. As he walked toward the nearest path leading into the city comma he attempted to blend in with the peasants heading to the market. Two guards with pikes were standing stoodat the gatecomma casually observing the flow of people into the city. Mingtnel guards are outfitted with heavy plate bearing crossed hammers on the chest. A city constantly at struggle with the Bloodborn to the north, Mingtnel has a well-known reputation for being vigilant. UnderDespite the scrutiny from the guards, Shay succeeded in making himself as inconspicuous as possible, acquiring entrance to the city with no more than a glance. Shay had a hard time with the thought that his current surroundings had remained so much the same, when it seemed that everything in his own life had changed completely overnight.
He tried hard not to rush down the cobblestone street were filled with merchants selling their wares, and urchins looking for easy pray. Short, sturdy stone buildings were spaced out, more for defense than accessibility. Finally coming upon the street he was looking for, he turned quickly. The street was practically empty compared to the bustle of the main road. Shay walked up to an old wooden sign with the image of a boatswain whistle just barely visible from years of exposure. First making sure he was not followed, Shay quickly slipped into the inn.
The inn looked well kept with a short, plump, rather plain woman, working the bar. Shay made his way to the open table near the back of the smoky room. Off-duty guards and a few regulars played a game of dice in a dimly lit corner.
A young girl with curly brown hair and deep brown eyes approached Shay. "Hello Mister. What would you like?"
Shay looked up and tried to remember the last time he ate. His stomach started to growl, as he said, "I'll take a pint of ale and whatever food you have to offer."
The young lady looked at his dirty clothing and unkempt appearance. "I’m sorry but I’ll have to ask for the three coppers now."
Before he could pull his coppers out of his money purse comma a silver piece was tossed on the table from behind the serving girl. "I'll pay for his meal period. Don’t don’t worry, just bring anything he asks for." A tall fellow pulled back his hood to reveal pointed ears and intelligent, gray eyes. After a quick glance toward the table of dice players he sat down across from Shay.
Shay started to relax "Landis, I knew you would make it." as he reached over the table to give his friend a hard shake, he could see his friend was worried about something.
Landis looked around as if expecting someone to enter the inn any moment. "Where are the others?"
Looking into Shays eyes, Landis did not need the answer. "Never mind, don’t answer me now. We can talk upstairs. It seems we both have bad news to share."
The serving girl put a crude plate in front of Shay. She looked down at the blood soaked cloth used as a bandage on his leg and was about to say something when the dice players called for more ale. She looked once more over her shoulder at the two strangers and hurried over to the other table.
After a few bites into his meat pie Shay looked up at his friend and said, "Bad news you say, what more could have gone wrong?" with a sigh, Shay continued eating, thankful that he was at last able to rest.
Walking up the stairs to Landis’ room was slow going and painful for Shay. At the end of the hallway they turned into a small, dark room of which had no windows. Landis lit a candle and stood in the southwest corner of the square space while Shay painfully sat down on the bed, which centered along the north wall.
You go from Shay eating to him immediately walking up stairs, with no seque. You’ll need to fix this
Looking over at Shay, Landis could tell he needed time to sort out his thoughts, so he began to speak. "Shay, Aston has put a price on your head as well as the rest of the expedition."
Shay’s leg began to throb as he glared at his friend "WHAT! Why would he do that?" he pressed down on the wound hoping the pressure would relieve some pain.
"Do you remember Cawdel Lok?" Landis replied.
Shay took a deep breath as he tried to remember what he knew about Cawdel. "If I remember correctly he's The Guild Treasurer."
Landis nodded. "Yes, he used to be in charge of the finances." Taking a quick breath he continued, "When Aston became The Bearer of Marks he appointed Cawdel as his advisor."
Adjusting his leg on the bed Shay felt as if the world had gone crazy. "What does that have to do with Aston putting a price on my head?"
Putting both his hands over his leg and pressing harder Shay’s vision started to get foggy. Bracing himself against the bed he tried to steady his breathing.
Quickly placing the candle on a stool Landis moved to his friends’ side. "Your leg looks awful; you need to see a Shaman."
Again, there is a disjointed shift in action here. You’ll need to fix this. Also, you again shift POV, from Shay to Landis. Without discernable breaks, you need to keep the entire chapter in the same POV.
After helping Shay lay down he tried to remove the blood soaked cloth Shay had used as a bandage, "I'm not sure but I presume Cawdel is a Bloodletter. Aston listens to him and well, I don’t think it’s safe for you to return to the tower."
Landis could tell Shay was about to collapse. He wished there was more time to talk, but knowing how much his friend had gone through, he gave up and called forth his familiar to cast a simple sleep spell. The spell would allow Shay to rest while he called for a Shaman.
The spell did not require the full presence of his familiar, so only a misty outline of a hawk could be seen perched on his shoulder as he whispered the ancient sleep chant. As the hawk’s form began to illuminate slightly, Shay became noticeably drowsy.
Now you’re back to Shay’s POV
All the sleepless nights seemed to catch up to Shay all at once. The loss of blood from his leg made his mind sluggish, and he was unable to utter any words to stop his friend from putting him to sleep. No Landis. I can’t sleep. Not yet. There is too much to do. Too much to discuss, I can’t rest. Not yet.
Landis placed Shay's sword and backpack against the wall next to his own. Shay was fast asleep; too exhausted from the loss of blood and the incantation his friend had cast to stay awake.
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