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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lilliesofglass
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28 Public Reviews Given
28 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ha HA, this is LEGITIMATE! Action and mystery to hook the audience, but no irritating info dumps to put us to sleep. I especially like how you pulled all the stories together in the end. Well played, my good... man? Woman? Haha, I have no idea. Well, whichever it is, nicely done.
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Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow.

This is... a very beautiful piece. Its tender message outshines the few rhythm and grammar errors I found. And you know what? When someone bears their heart the way you have, only the pettiest person could be perturbed by simple technicalities.

It's nice to meet someone with such vibrant faith. :)

-Kleo
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Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow.

This is... a very beautiful piece. Its tender message outshines the few rhythm and grammar errors I found. And you know what? When someone bears their heart the way you have, only the pettiest person could be perturbed by simple technicalities.

It's nice to meet someone with such vibrant faith. :)

-Kleo
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Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Aw... this is very sad.

I like this poem because it is personal and thought provoking. Not only that, but you've done a great job with the rhythm and rhyme, which I appreciate :). There are no dumb spelling or punctuation errors- very nice, very nice. I would love to see you expand this, though.

Maybe add some description about the river, before and after if became polluted. Make it seem powerful and serene at first, and tell us how it made you feel. Maybe enlighten us on what the "glorious stories of its past" are. Then, shoot into the future- tell us what happened to the river exactly, tell us what it looks like, smells like, how it makes you feel... Now, THAT would be a five star poem in my book.

Overall, though, very nice work! And feel free to ignore my comments, if you want. They're just my opinion, and since it's your poem, it's your opinion that matters :).

See ya 'round! -Kleo
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5
Review of Absorbed  Open in new Window.
Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
K, I think the person who only gave you two-and-a-half stars for this was being a little hasty. It's actually quite thought provoking, if you read it closely enough.

What inspired you to write this?

-Kleo
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Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is absolutely beautiful. The sweet, melodic rhythm contrasts nicely with the piece's forlorn message. It's very thought provoking.

Thanks for the lovely read!

-Kleo
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Review of ROSE: a ghazal  Open in new Window.
Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am reviewing this item, ROSE: a ghazal, towards my entry fee.

May I just say, what a lovely piece. My favorite stanza is the second, the one that says:

The one on which you chose to swing,
How lucky is that bough, O Rose!

The inverted sentence structure gives this stanza an especially melodic feel, which I love. My favorite thing about Shakespeare's poetry is how song-like it is. That's probably why I like this piece so much :).

So, quick question: is this meant to be iambic? Just curious.

Thanks for the stunning read! -Kleo
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Review of The Drowned Lover  Open in new Window.
Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow. This is... gorgeous. It's sirenic- in every sense of the word :).

First of all, welcome to the WDC Power Reviewers! I've only been a member myself for a few days, but I'm thrilled to be part of such a helpful group. I hope you like it, too :).

Anyways, back to your piece. I ADORE the setting. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna have to steal the weeping willows and wild roses by the river scenery, because I can see it in my mind, and it's stunning. What an enchanting place... It contrasts beautifully with the eeriness of the whole situation, the darkness of the man's fate. I think this was my favorite part of the piece.

I really like the beginning, too. Would you mind, though, if I showed you how I would reword it?

Here's what you have: "All love and beauty must wither and die. It is not the tale that we teach the young, but the bitter truth we come to know in time."

And here's what I would say: "All love and beauty must wither and die. This is not a tale we teach the young, but a bitter truth we come to know in time."

As you can see, I've only made a few changes. Please don't feel obligated to use them, however. The reason I wanted to change this sentence is because when I first read it, my mind stumbled over the words. I could just be an idiot, but here's what I think is wrong:

Now, the first sentence was perfect. That I didn't touch. The word "that" in the second sentence, however, hinders the sentence's flow. So I took it out. I also changed the "the's" to "a's", because for me, this improves the sentence's overall comprehensibility. The last change I made was the first word; I changed it from "it" to "this". I can't quite explain why I felt the need to do so, except that I've heard starting a sentence with "it" is a writing no-no. Plus... I don't know. It just sounds better to my mental ear, you know? So, anyway, those are just my thoughts. Feel free to ignore them if you want :).

Overall, a beautiful piece. I'm surprised it only has four stars. I would LOVE to see you expand the idea, though. Ooo! Write a fantasy novel with a siren protagonist who wants to fulfill her siren duty of luring men to their deaths but falls in love with some human dude and is torn between loving him and performing her sirenical responsibilities...!

...Ahem. Or something. *nervous chuckle*

Anyway, I'll shut up now. Just... keep up the good work.

See ya 'round! -Kleo
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Review of Voi-284  Open in new Window.
Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This... is VERY cool.

I like the overall structure of the piece; the beginning hooks the reader's attention nicely. You've done a great job creating suspense, and I could TOTALLY FEEL the weightlessness when the escape pod left the ship's artificial gravity... It tickled. Not only that, but I LOVE that you seem to know a things or two about technical stuff (i.e. guns and things.) This gives the story a very realistic feel, you know? It's as if what's happening in the piece is actually happening to reader as they read.

A few suggestions:

1. Careful with commas. Only use them to join two dependent clauses (this means two phrases that wouldn't make sense if you just said them by themselves, but if you joined them with a comma, they would make sense.) Don't use commas to link two phrases that could just begin with a capital letter and end with a period. Does that make sense?

2. This isn't necessarily something I saw a TON of in your paper, but it might be helpful to you when writing your second draft. Don't say something in ten words you could say in five. For example, the sentence "The well dressed fat man ran speedily across the field of wet dirt" would sound much better if you said, "The pompous man bolted across the swampy field." The sentence keeps its same basic meaning, but it flows more nicely and is much easier on the "mental ear." It sounds more natural, more intelligent, and by shortening sentences this way, you force yourself to use more slick, colorful verbs, as well as more descriptive, interesting adjectives. Do you see what I'm saying? Oh yeah, and don't use adverbs- editors HATE to see adverbs in manuscripts. Just think about it this way: if a verb has to be modified by an adverb, what does that say about it? It says that the verb must not be very interesting, and you would be better off finding a more descriptive one to replace it. Do you see what I mean?

3. BEWARE of "to be" verbs! No was's, being's, becoming's, were's, are's, is's, etc. ...Well, no, actually... I lied. You can use them, but SPARINGLY, and I'll show you why: look at this example sentence- "I was cold." This is boring. This is a sentences everyone and their dog hears and uses every day without giving it a second thought. A reader would skip over this sentence in a heartbeat because it isn't interesting, descriptive, or thought provoking. It's white noise. But, say we took out the "to be" verb (was) and created this sentence- "I trembled in the frigid air, my skin crawling with goose bumps." ...Yeah, I know that sounds kinda dumb, and I'm sure you'll be able to come up with much better sounding sentences, but do you sort of see what I mean? Isn't the sentence just a little more interesting? I don't know. But I hope you understand what I'm saying, anyway :).

4. Last note: No that's, just because they tend to clog a sentence and make it less natural sounding. But I didn't see many that's in your story anyway. Just... FYI.

I'm still working on mastering these rules myself, but I hope they help you. Just remember: this is only a review, and in the end, your own creative opinion is superior to my advice. This is your story! Do with it what you will :)

Anyway, WONDERFUL job. I look forward to coming back and reading more :D

-Kleo

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Review of Guardian Angel  Open in new Window.
Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is so sweet... I adore the ending :) Its overall flow and structure is very natural and easy to process, which I also love. I'm come back and give you another star if you clean up some of the spelling and grammar issues. Other than that, very touching :') Write me more!
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Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
You've got a few basic grammar and spelling issues, but I REALLY like this idea :) cool
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12
Review by Kleo Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Aw! This is VERY good (and sweet :) )! Did you write it with anyone specific in mind?
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