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1
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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Elizjohn,
After reading "The Witch That Would Be Queen" , I offer you these comments: This is the first review I have written in months, so please bear with me.


First Impressions:
Wow! What an extremely dark, despicable tale. I really wasn't expecting it to go that way. I wrote a story similar to this one where The Devil held a contest for the ruby slippers. I went for the laughs and I guess that is what I thought you were going to do. Yours never got funny.*Pthb*

Characterization/Dialog:
You did a good job of establishing the personalities of the characters, of course The Devil and Witches are pretty established already. Even still your versions are particularly detestable. I like that they have no endearing qualities. It makes the story all the more gruesome. I'm not sure about the erotic insinuations. I don't know if it really works for me. Have you considered leaving Gaia an old hag? That would make the eroticism much more disturbing and still strangely appropriate.

Setting:
I think you could do a lot to establish the local with minimal effort. The bit with the throne was a nice touch, but I think you are missing an opportunity to really give the reader "hell" so to speak. I for one would like to know what your version of hell looks like.

Plot/Pacing/Originality:
The plot and the pacing were both excellent. No complaints.

Emotional Impact:
This is where your diabolical little fable really shines. There is nothing more horrifying than the torture and murder of innocent children. Good call on that. My only suggestion would be to take it even further with the kids on the carousel. I didn't think they were suffering nearly as much as the first bunch of kids from the basement. Maybe you could nail their feet to the stirrups or superglue their asses to the seats? I would have liked to see their heads flopping from exhaustion and maybe even some bones cracking or necks snapping. You might as well go all out.

Mechanics/Style/Voice:
Nothing to say about this. I love your style and voice. You know I am a huge fan.

Final Thoughts:
I think this is a beautifully disgusting classic fairy tale. I enjoyed it very much. I think you can write anything, but this is not my favorite of your styles. I think I like it best when you write contemporary urban horror. Your Falling Skies story is still my absolute favorite. I still say that is a masterpiece.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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2
Review of Monster  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Coffee,
After reading "Monster" , I offer you these comments:

Okay, let me start with what I like about this piece then move into my more critical thoughts. You use a very eloquent sounding prose for this writing which I like a lot. It is a much more formal voice than in most of your other stuff I have read. You pull it off quite well. I guess I just told you that you "clean up good" as us hillbillies like to say.

Anyway, the overall concept of the story reminds me of the animated movie "Heavy Metal." Have you seen it? If you haven't I highly recommend it. In the movie much like this story "evil" is personified but in that story/stories it is actually a universal not just global entity. You are probably wondering why I keep talking about this movie. Right? Here's why...

The movie does what your story merely touches upon. It takes the viewer/reader into each individual instance. The wars, the killings, and all the evil things that men do. That is what I would suggest you do with this piece as well. Make it much longer. Show the reader the Crucifixion, the coliseum, gulags and even Auschwitz, take them inside and make them live the horror. Don't just tell them about it. We have all heard these names a thousand times. Unless you show us the human pain and suffering this just reads like a laundry list of events.

Well that's all I have really. I hope I didn't come off too harsh. It is never my intent to offend but I am compelled to be honest. I think this story could be so much more. In it's current form I just feel you didn't do it justice. However, I know you can because I am well aware of the quality of writing you are capable of producing. I hope you decide to elaborate of this piece, and I can't wait to read it if you do.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Is it Real  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey Coffeebean,
After reading "Is it Real" , I offer you these comments:

I really like this bit of flash and I'll tell you why. I knew immediately that this was written about real people, real FRIENDS, because of the depth of emotion conveyed in the context. That kind of admiration can't be faked (at least not well).

The way you relate the importance of this man's friendship in this unique Scifi flare is just awesome. I love it. The idea of this hermit-ish type moon man embarking on an interplanetary trek to meet his "Writing Group" friends is quite frankly brilliant.

I have to say, considering I don't know any of these WDC members --other than yourself, of course-- I still feel as though I met them. And thanks to your colorful characterizations I like them. I am actually looking forward to possibly running into some of them now.

Great story!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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4
Review of My Dream Cloud  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Farnaz Delgosha,
After reading "My Dream Cloud" , I offer you these comments:

I like this poem very much. It is very childlike and whimsical. I think it would go wonderfully in a book of children's poems or stories. I particularly like how just as it starts to get "scary" with the lion... Mother wakes you up. That is what makes it so great for children. You should try to get it published. Thanks for sharing it.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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5
5
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hey again,
After reading "An Afternoon in Paris" , I offer you these comments:

Wow. I watched a documentary not long ago about the Reign of Terror in France. It was absolutely fascinating. The dang thing was like 6 hours long or something nearly as ridiculous and I just couldn't stop watching. I learned during that time that Marie Antoinette was one of the last royals executed. I was under the impression from the film that her case was more guilt by association than anything else.

It seemed to me the common folk so despised the bourgeoisie (The Women's March on Versailles epitomizes this) that they would not rest until, Marie --the symbol of French aristocracy, was dead. I find it incredible that by all accounts Marie never lost her noble bearing and faced her death with quiet dignity. She was truly a tragic and fascinating figure.

The bloodthirstiness of that time is truly amazing. The number of executions range in the tens of thousands and took place daily all across France. It is far bloodier and more terrifying than any horror movie I have ever seen. It boggles the mind to realize it actually happened.

I really have nothing negative or even constructive to say about this piece, Coffee. I think you wrote a chilling depiction of the queen's last moments. It is very telling and poignant. I can't think of a single suggestion that would improve it. Unless of course you want to take historical liberties and have her spared at the end. (hehe)

Anyway, great piece. I loved it.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of King Tut  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hey Coffee,
After reading "King Tut" , I offer you these comments:

I wanted to review some of your short stories but I couldn't resist reading what Tut had to say. This is cute. I see why you like it. It conveys that childlike innocence that you would expect from kids this age but at the same time rings completely true. The ironic thing is that because of Tut's authority this could have been an actual conversation.

I see that it was written for "Dialog 500" but still it is only 163 words long. My only suggestion would be to lengthen it to the maximum or even further now that the contest is over. I would like to see some mention of day to day life for these royalty of Egypt. What do they do all day? Hang out at the palace all day playing with the cats? Build pyramids? Go tubing down the Nile? As the saying goes... "Enquiring minds want to know."

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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7
Review of Trophy Hunter  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Coffeebean,
After reading "Trophy Hunter" , I offer you these comments:

My first impression is awesome. You have written one hell of a good story. It is very well written and thoroughly entertaining. I enjoyed it immensely. It reminded me of one of those classic Master of Horrors episodes. I can totally see this being on tv.

There is something I want to comment on right off the bat that strikes me as odd because of how much I like it. Your opening paragraph where you describe barreling down the County Road. I absolutely love that! I think it is because I have experienced midnight rides like this myself several times (albeit not with a body in the back) but everything else. I can picture it so clearly and it actually makes me nostalgic. Not to mention it is just a beautiful example of descriptive narrative. I knew immediately after reading that opening paragraph the rest of the story was going to be good. No need to rely on gimmicks to hook the reader just good writing.

Okay, here is something I am confused about. Near the beginning you explain how Lester doesn't want the voices and tries to ignore them because they make him do bad things. But later when he goes to the psychiatrist and she gives him pills the voices go away, so, why doesn't he want to take the pills? This is a little confusing for me. Maybe if you showed him struggling to ignore the voices more while they try to persuade him to listen. They might even talk him into not taking the pills. Maybe that is what you are implying and I just missed it. Highly possible.

I'm not sure if you were working under a word count restriction or if you were just trying to keep the length down but something else I would have liked to seen elaborated on is the abuse Lester suffered. I would imagine it takes a lot of trauma to make a child commit parricide but the only real incident described is the zealous hand-washing in the horse tank on Christmas. What did his father do to him?

For that matter a reenactment of those killings would be pretty darn cool too. Why was Dad hung and mom beheaded? Was that just an opportunity issue? What was the final straw that broke the camel's back? Why does he only decapitate women? Did he kill his Dad because his father didn't protect him from his mother? Apparently, I have a lot of questions about the relationship with his parents.

Your dialog is outstanding and I absolutely love some of your colloquialisms:

“Lester doesn’t have the brains to pour piss out of a boot.”
and
“Looks like you're stuck tighter than a flea on a dog’s back,”


There is one spot though where the dialog sounds a bit off and I'm thinking maybe it is intentional.

Here:
“Transmission’s shot, too,” Charlotte said as she motioned with a wave of a hand. “I blew it up trying to get myself out of this mess.”

“You’ll be needin’ a ride then…or did you call for help?” Lester asked.

“I tried calling. Phone's not working,” She answered.

“Yeah, they don’t work out here half the time, not here in the hills. I could give you a ride to my place; it’s just about a mile on down the road. You can call from there.”

They rode the mile in silence.


It seems to me that Charlotte would be more upset about blowing her transmission and at least somewhat reluctant to go to Lester's house. Maybe I am just nitpicking OR given the true nature of both of them perhaps the transmission situation is just a ruse. Either way it works. It just stood out for me.

I want to comment on the part when Lester reveals his trophies to Charlotte and he remembers the co-ed who started singing Amazing Grace. I think mentioning that no one has ever reacted like Charlotte before and maybe even giving examples of how other victims reacted is a great idea, BUT when you actually insert the verse of the song it really slows down the momentum and distracts from the big moment, in my opinion.

One comment on mechanics, some people (not me) would chastise you on switching povs and putting us in Charlotte's head with the last line. I know because I have done the exact same thing and they really gave me hell for it. Personally, I think it's fine but if you want some suggestions on alternate endings.

How about when Charlotte says, '...but I like my own more,' she pulls a necklace made of ears out of her purse. Maybe instead of the voices commanding, 'Cut off his ears, Charlotte,' she just says, "Damn voices," like Lester did earlier implying they both suffer from the same condition. It's just a thought. I kinda like the pov change.

Well that brings us to the end. I have nothing but good things to say, Bob. I really liked this piece. I think it is incredibly well written. You have an excellent writing style. It is very clear, concise and easy to follow. You give beautifully detailed descriptions but no more than necessary to set the scene. Your dialog is colorful and natural sounding. My only complaint is that I would have liked to read even more. As I mentioned I want to know even more background info on Lester. He is a great character not to mention you totally leave the reader with a ton of questions about Charlotte. Is there a sequel somewhere? If not there should be.

Anyway, great story. I thought you wrote good scifi now I think you write even better horror. I'm glad you picked this story for your review. I look forward to discussing it more with you in the chat today.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Megaloblatta  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Coffeebean,
After reading "Megaloblatta" , I offer you these comments:

First just let me say, Sorry for taking so long to get this piece reviewed but it's been a busy first week for the group. I will endeavor to do better next time. That being said, Great Story! I really enjoyed it. A good scifi story is such a treat.

Though finding life on other planets is a standard scifi theme I really like your take on it. Roaches are the most resilient life form on Earth so it makes sense that this type of creature would evolve to survive the rigors of space. I thought adapting them to eat the iron oxide dust and metal deposits was genius.

Your characters are developed and their individual personalities are well defined. McLaren --the fatherly commander who understands the importance of the mission but not at the expense of his crew. Wheeler --the female no-nonsense science officer who excels in all things academic (possibly because she feels being a woman she must prove herself). Davis --the smart-mouthed first officer who hides his dedication to service and determination to his crew by cracking jokes or making light of the situation. Each of them is a valuable and more importantly likable part of the crew. The reader establishes a connection with them right away thus ensuring a gut reaction when danger befalls each of them.

I feel your dialog and knowledge of mission procedures is very convincing. It is obvious you know quite a bit about Mars and space travel. It lends authenticity to the writing and cues the reader to the fact this is a serious piece of scifi.

There are a couple of things that I take issue with as far as suspension of disbelief goes. One is that since this is the first Mars landing ever and Christmas to boot, I find it hard to believe there is no mass media coverage of the event. I remember watching every step of the lunar landings on television and that was decades ago.

The other thing I question is character reactions, which is subjective at best so I almost hate to mention it. One example is when the crew first land and Lucy thinks she sees something on the outside camera. I understand that she might question herself but I wonder if they all would be so quick to dismiss it. I mean surly they have at least considered the possibly of finding life, right?

I also wonder about the Commander's reaction to the situation. Let me explain. I assume that this crew is made up the best, brightest and most capable people on the planet. They are trained relentlessly to adapt and overcome virtually any challenge. These are the same type crew that when faced with running out of breathable air (during the Apollo missions), fabricated an air filtration unit out of ink pens, duct tape and a clipboards. I have a difficult time believing that McLaren would be reduced to a babbling madman in two days despite the horrific circumstances. Unless of course there is something I have not accounted for like space dementia. That would certainly do it, I suppose.

On a side note I think your portrayal of the Commander's psychosis is brilliant. I love how you tied in the holiday with what he witnessed. The surreal dream sequence is incredibly creepy and well done. I am rather confused about the ending however. What is the deal with the two messages? Did the commander send them both because of his delusional state? Or are the Megaloblatta actually some how responsible for the second transmission? That is the impression I got at first. The bugs sent the message like when the zombies in Return of the Living Dead radio for control to send more paramedics. Maybe not. *Pthb*

Overall, this is an excellent story. I think with a minor tweak here and there it could be a five star piece worthy of publication. I found it very entertaining and it easily kept my interest from beginning to end. I can even see this plot being expanded upon with a possible Earth invasion occurring in a subsequent series of stories. I would read it. Thanks for sharing your work and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Cold Winter  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Storytellers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hey Joe,
After reading "Cold Winter" , I offer you these comments:

I am such a fan of your writing it is really difficult for me to find fault with it at all. I enjoyed this piece just as much as I do everything else you have written. It was very entertaining and kept my interesting from beginning to end. I couldn't wait to find out what happened next. It read like a cross between Spy Games and the second Resident Evil movie where they have to rescue the scientist's daughter. Okay, maybe not. But it was that entertaining. Bearing in mind how much I liked it here are a couple of things that made me wonder.

The first is just a matter of logistics when Dominic approaches the phone during the second section. There was a moment there where I became lost and had to go back to the beginning of the section to find out where this was taking place. There is only a single sentence vague description of the shadowy surroundings before several sentences devoted to what he is thinking. If you could give a little bit more detail about the "derelict street" I think it would help to better orientate the reader so they can more easily visual the scene.
"Dominic considered these things as he stood concealed amidst the broken shadows of a derelict street waiting for his contact to call."


The second thing I noticed is that the ending seems a bit rushed to me because the credibility starts to break down. Here is an example:

“Where is Ana?” he asked with sudden enthusiasm.
“Safe. I have her outside in the car.”
Sergei smiled at the news and ran directly out to greet his daughter.
Dom smiled. Sometimes the job had its upside and reuniting a father with his little girl was one of them. He searched around for a phone before finding one in the hallway. Allowing himself another smile he picked up the receiver and began to dial.

These actions and attitude seem so out of character for Dom since you spent the entire story establishing him as extremely cautious, overly suspicious and possibly even paranoid. Now suddenly, he allows the target to just run outside alone, unprotected to meet his daughter while he phones HQ, when the deadliest assassin ever known is unaccounted for and probably on their trail? The mission is not over, right? He still has to get them safely out of East Berlin.

Another little thing that seems out of character for a secret agent is the actual phone conversation with Gus at the end. Dominic keeps cutting Gus off instead of listening to his handler. Gus tries three or four times to get through to him and he just doesn't comprehend the danger. That doesn't strike me as a believable reaction. Dom is a highly trained operative practically programmed to adapt and overcome. I think he would realize instantly something was wrong.

Well that's it for my criticisms. Now let me just say I think making The Tiger a kid was freaking awesome! I love that. I hate to say it but she is by far the cooler character. I would really love to read more stories about her missions. Find out who she is working for and how she came to be. Let me know if you decide to do anything more with her.

Anyway, great story. It's dang near there in my opinion. This will be a perfect five star piece worthy of publication with just a couple of tweaks. Of course, it is already better than a lot of stuff in publication so you're good regardless. *Wink*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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10
10
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Mike's Amazed!,
After reading "The Valentine's Day Arrangement" , I offer you these comments:

First Impressions:

What a fun holiday story. I like how you build suspense with the arranging of the boxes. I don't know why but this reminded me somewhat of that movie Seven. The last thing I expected was a dozen rose-heads. It definitely wasn't predictable.

Characterization/Dialog:

I think you do a nice bit of characterization with Tucker. His dedication to doing a good job and following the customers instructions to the letter make him very likable. Of course, if you stop to wonder if he knows the contents of the boxes it gives him a whole new sinister aspect. I prefer to think he is completely innocent.

Ms. Tanner likewise is characterized very well. The reader immediately gets the impression she is very intelligent and doesn't tolerate a lot of nonsense. She too is very likable from her demeanor.

Dialog-- in my opinion is very good. It is crisp, clear and very natural sounding. I think the dialog is really what brings these two characters to life. Their conversation is believable and real. I think the dialog is this story's strongest and best feature. Which is fantastic since good dialog is so difficult to write. Great job.

Setting:

You do a great job of orienting the reader geographically to their location first in the house and then in the room. The setting up of the boxes quickly overshadows everything else so the reader really only needs the vaguest of ideas about the physical surroundings to fill in the rest.

Plot/Pacing/Originality:

The story really doesn't have much of a plot. Please don't take that the wrong way, I don't necessarily mean it as a bad thing. I just mean there is a lot of room left for development. I personally would like to see more of Caroline and Alfred's relationship. I am curious as to how they interact with each other. That bloody Christmas card for instance, I would love to have actually seen that take place and be able to gauge Caroline's reaction to it.

The pacing was very good. I was completely engrossed with the setting up of the boxes. That is novel way to build suspense. I loved it. Well done.

Emotional Impact:

I definitely think you could have played on the reader's emotions more had you not ended Caroline's reaction with just a scream. This is an instance where I think the reader needed to see and hear the horror she is feeling to heighten the dramatic impact. There is no doubt that this is a traumatic event don't cheat or shield the reader out of the big emotional payoff.

Mechanics/Style/Voice:

Grammar and punctuation are always secondary to storytelling so I only mention things that stand out or distract me from the story.

The only thing that distracted me in this piece is the part about shadow being created by the lids. This isn't really clear to me. I had to read it over a few times before I got it and it's still hazy at best. Perhaps you could make it a little clearer for the reader I think it could really add some creative color to the story. This is the kind of detail that leaves the reader in awe, but they have to be able to picture it clearly.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I thought this was a entertaining short. I enjoyed it very much. It was unique and unpredictable. I would really like to see it expanded upon and more background setup given on the lovers.

Thank you for entering our new The Bloody Quill contest. I look forward to reading more entries from you in the future. Good luck with the contest and don't forget to give some of our others a try as well.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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11
11
Review of Nothing  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Angus,
After reading your poem "Nothing" , these are my impressions:

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):

I will be the first to admit I don't know much about formal poetry styles as such, but I do like to think I know a thing a two about what makes for good writing. This in my opinion is an example of excellent writing.

The format that you use builds not only suspense and intrigue but actually makes the reader want to look over their shoulder as they read. The 'nothing' you describe is so oppressive it feels like a true presence. I felt as though there were eyes upon me watching me just from the language you use. It is a terrifying experience. You manage to do in a poem what every horror writer strives to do with entire novels. Bravo!

Artistic Voice and Imagery:

You have a powerful artistic voice. One that is clear concise and beautifully dark. The images and you conjure are most unsettling and your voice is truly sinister. You weave a very frightening and suspenseful atmosphere. I love it.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:

Grammar and spelling are always secondary to storytelling in my opinion, but that said, your grammar and spelling seem impeccable to me.

Suggestions:

I like this piece so much I wouldn't know how to improve it. In my opinion it is a perfect 5 star poem. I guess one minor thing I could suggest would be to make the NOTHING title font color black instead of purple. It may give it a gloomier more shadowy impression.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:

I can't sufficiently express how much I enjoyed this poem. It literally gave me chills. I am not generally a big fan of poetry so that is saying more than you know. I am however a fan of good horror and this is awesome.

It conjures of images of dark, foggy nights with nothing but the moon and stars to witness your horrible demise. It is every child's nightmare alone at night in the dark just waiting to be-- what? Murder? Kidnapped? Eaten alive?

You can practically hear the dramatic music playing as the nothing gets closer and closer. Then the silence is pierced by a scream. Oh that was me... sorry.

Seriously, great poem. I had no idea you wrote such exceptional verse. I still have your short story Procession half reviewed that I intend to finish asap (sorry it's taking so long, I've been ill) but this makes me want to read more of your poems.

Thank you for sharing your poem, Angus. I look forward to reading all of your stuff in the future.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Laura  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Joe Nelson,
After reading "Laura" , I offer you these comments:

First Impressions:

My first impression whenever I read your writing is always that you write so well. I have never read anything from you that wasn't thoroughly entertaining. This story is no exception.

Characterization/Dialog:

I absolutely love the street-smart wisecracking Detective O'Hallorhan. He has personality for days and the fact that he doesn't take any guff off no one is an admirable quality in my book. My husband and I both like to fell out of our chairs when he told the nun, "I am not a man you want to fuck with.”

That is priceless and I would also point out this is an instance where the foul language is well used and believable. It is not just thrown in for shock value. It has been though out and well written. Good job.

Laura is substantially creepy for no longer than she is present in the story. It is obvious she is in complete control and has no fear of retribution whatsoever. As a reader, I would have liked to know more about her true nature.

Setting:

Your talent for description is such that you set the mood beautifully. This entire story had the most sinister atmosphere from the second you gave the description of Trinity Hall. I admire how you don't even give detailed descriptions you just suggest things and let the reader fill in rest. That is the secret to great writing in my opinion.

Here is an example: The orphanage’s religious connotations brought back unwanted memories from his own childhood and sent shivers down his spine.

This line doesn't really describe what the orphanage looks like but the reader can easily picture the place with it's statues of saints and dark hallways filled with hateful nuns and demented priests. We know immediately the place is harboring evil.

Plot/Pacing/Originality:

The plot is a good one. I know you didn't have time or words to develop this story to its fullest so I will just give you a few of my thoughts about what I would like to know/see addressed if you decide to expand on this piece. Which I think would be a great idea by the way. I really think this could be worked into a phenomenal longer piece maybe even a novel.

First off, I'm not a fan of the cop being killed so fast and easy. It is very reminiscent of that scene in Deep Blue Sea when Samuel L. Jackson is giving his great moral boosting speech and the shark jumps out of the water and eats him. It was funny for about half a minute then I wanted him back.

I believe that O'Hallorhan would be smarter than to be killed like that. I would have liked to seen more of a connection between him and Laura. Maybe he could start to win her over or at least fool/stall her long enough to come up with a plan how to defeat her. Especially if she is just a little girl with superpowers, how smart can she be?

Which brings me to my second point, I would really like to know more about Laura's origin. Is she a real girl with incredible mental powers? Or is she possessed by a demon? Maybe she is some evil demonic entity just pretending to be a little girl. Inquiring minds want to know. :)

Pacing was great. My only complaint is that the story ended too soon. It unfolded at a nice and natural pace. The reader never had a chance to get bored or even wonder what was coming next. This is just one of those stories that I would have liked to seen written for a longer format. In this case the abridged version is just a tease.

Emotional Impact:

The atmosphere of this story is so dark and sinister it creates and air of tension that runs throughout the entire piece.

Let me give you an example: The old wooden doors swung open to reveal a hundred faces all staring at Jimmy. All the children and all the nuns sat in the candle-lit hall as though a service was in session. The combined force of all their eyes on him was unsettling to say the least.

This is so well written it actually gave me chills.

The other big emotional impact from the story is of course when O'Hallorhan gets shot. I don't think it has the exact effect that you wanted however. I am more angry than sad to see him go. I really liked him and I think if you MUST kill him off if you spend even more time building up to it and give the reader even more time to like him that the impact will be even greater.

Mechanics/Style/Voice:

I think grammar and punctuation are secondary to storytelling so I only mention things that really stand out to me as incorrect or problematic. I didn't notice anything with this piece.

I have said many times how much I love your style of writing. Your voice is so witty and clever I find it incredibly entertaining. I often find myself smiling or even chuckling out loud at some of the humorous things not only that your character say but are found in the narration as well. You almost remind me of a foul-mouthed Mark Twain (one of my all time favorites).

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I really liked this story a lot. As I have said many times already I would like to see you expand it even further. I would like to read more build-up to the initial meeting and maybe even an alternate ending. If you do decide to do a revision please let me read it. This is one of those stories that will stay with me for awhile. Congratulations on your win. It was well deserved. I am so glad you are writing again. :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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13
13
Review of Damon's Lilies  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with Horror, Inc.  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Trevor Prescott,
After reading "Damon's Lilies" , I offer you these comments:

First Impressions:

This is so sick and demented it is uncomfortably disturbing to read. This is one of those rare pieces that is so convincing that you start to question whether or not it goes too far. Fortunately, here at Horror Inc that is a quality of good psychological horror. So bravo!

Characterization:

Damon is off the charts deranged. He has "creep" at home in boxes that he hasn't even used yet. This guy is a mixture of Ted Bundy, Norman Bates and a Time-Life photographer. You do an excellent job of selling his psychosis. I would like a hint of physical description however, some bare basics would be nice, size, eye color, maybe his age.

Lillian is a prominent and dramatic character in spite of lack of life. Her name makes me wonder if that is why she was chosen. It seems much too good to be a coincidence.

Setting:

You set the scene very well. You give the reader just enough minor details for their minds to fill in the rest. This is a typical young woman's bedroom complete with bed, digital clock, night stand and psycho killer.

Plot/Pacing/Originality:

The plot is a bit worn out but you add a new flair to the standard serial killer while staying true to the flower prompt. The story unfolds naturally and is not forced. It is not too rushed and has in fact an almost leisurely pace from the middle to the end. The reader is lulled into a sense of calm serenity.

Emotional Impact:

The reader can't help but feel sympathy for Lillian. The desecration she is subjected to is agonizing to read. It is so startling and prolonged that the reader has to become numb to it in order to keep reading.

I think you could give the reader and story a jolt if perhaps Damon heard a noise or something during his photo shoot to imply there might be someone else in the house and he is about to be discovered. The story lacks an element of danger that would make a huge emotional impact.

Mechanics/Style/Dialog:

Grammar and punctuation are secondary to storytelling so I only mention things that jump out at me as problematic or incorrect.

The woman was supposed to think about the one between Damon’s legs on her own, as she had demonstrated done many times.

There is something wrong with this sentence either missing or incorrect words. I am not sure what you mean to say here.

I like your writing style it is very clean, clear and concise. Your voice in this piece is very aloof and detached which works brilliantly with the subject.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I found this a thoroughly disturbing and frightfully distasteful story of horror. It works on so many levels. I know it will stay with me for quite sometime. Damon is such a despicable character that I would love to read future stories about him in the hopes that he gets what he deserves or at the very least caught by the police.

You have created a memorable character and left the reader wanting more. You have played with the reader's emotions and made them feel things they normally would not. These are accomplishments of any great writer.

Thank you for entering the Daily Slice and good luck. I look forward to reading more entries from you in the future.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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14
Review of Taking a Stand  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Steampunk Authors' Gui...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello SoCalScribe,
You are being reviewed by a Boiler Room Review Raider. After reading "Taking a Stand" , I offer you these comments:


First Impressions:

I hate cliffhangers! This is a great set up for the real story that is to come. I am definitely hooked. This initial lead in is very PG and wholesome. I can't help but wonder how hardcore it will get once the shat hits the fan so to speak.

Characterization:

Ellie is an endearing character. I love that her real name is Ellington. That is a steampunk name if I ever heard one. I would have liked a bit more physical description or maybe a better idea of her age.

You do a great job of portraying Ellington's stubborn independence and courageous attitude. The reader cannot help but admire her unwillingness to compromise her principles or give up her freedom even when faced with threat of death.

Mrs. Claven is likewise a great character. I don't know if you were under word count restrictions or not but I would have liked to seen even more interaction between Ellie and her parents. A mother that can intimidate a constable is something else.

I find the character Governor Rourk very intriguing. Is he insane as well as evil? What is with all the ridiculous rules? It is amazing that he is such a prominent presence without any actual interaction. Well done.

Lastly, Josiah is absolutely great! It is so funny that the reality of Josiah is nothing like the larger than life perception that Ellie has of him.

I love that you portray him as a ordinary man and not a superhero. It makes him not only more likable but more interesting as well. The reader can immediately relate to this individual. You care about him and want to see him succeed.

Setting:

You do a good job of orienting the reader by always making them aware of the location. The minor details of the boarded up entrances and labyrinth of tunnels under the city are nice touches. It is easy to envision the dark catacombs especially after your in-depth rendering of Ellie igniting her lantern. Excellent job.

Plot/Pacing/Originality:

The story unfolds at a comfortable pace. I was never bored or tempted to skip ahead. As I mentioned before I would have liked to linger on certain points and delve even deeper into the story.

Emotional Impact:

The emotional moments for me at least are when Ellie first meets Josiah. He is in such a desperate situation and had she not taken pity on him at that time his mission would have failed. That for me at least is a defining moment in not only their relationship but the turning point of the whole story. There is one minute there when I think she might not trust him and just leave. It is a very suspenseful moment and great exchange.

The other big dramatic instance is when Ellie finally expresses her frustration at the world Rourk has created and tells Josiah that she is going to with him to do something about it. You can feel the raw emotion in her words. This is more convincing dialog.

Mechanics:

Grammar and punctuation are not my strong suits but these are a couple of things I noticed.

...in Capitol City new knew Dictator would have been more appropriate.


Josiah patted her on the shoulder and moved past, climbing the stairs and pushing the door open a crack so he could peer outside. When the coast was clear, he slipped out and into the courtyard of the Citadel. As he crept along the wall, he felt a presence behind him and whirled around, ready to strike.


You change point of views here from Ellie to Josiah rather abruptly. I would try to rework this from Ellie's point of view or at least just leave out the "he felt ..." part of it.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I enjoyed the story very much. The characters are engaging and real. The plot is solid and the writing is very well done. You do a great job of setting up an epic confrontation and leaving the reader on the edge of their seat. I am dying to know what happens next and how our heroes fare.

Thanks for sharing your work and I look forward to reading more from you (especially the conclusion of this story) in the future.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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15
15
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello percy goodfellow,
After reading your poem "When I was Young and Foolish" , these are my impressions:

Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):

I know very little about this stuff but I think the rhythm and rhyme of this poem are excellent. It has a nice little bounding rhythm and the lines flow easily off the tongue. It is actually quite fun to read.


Artistic Voice and Imagery:

I love the nature and voice of this piece. It is humorous and playful. It made me laugh out loud. I can totally picture a kindly older gentleman shaking his head fondly as he reminisces on the past. Well done.

Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:

These are not my strengths but I noticed nothing that looked in error.

Suggestions:

I wouldn't dare make any suggestions for this poem. Anything I might say would be a determent I'm sure. I think it is absolutely great the way it is written and can't think of any way to improve it.

Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:

I think this is a happy feel good poem. I enjoyed it very much and I am still smiling as I write this review. That is how I know it is something special.

Thank you for sharing it and I look forward to reading more of your work soon. I am officially a fan!




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16
16
Review of Demons  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Melfiina,
After reading "Demons" , I offer you these comments:


First Impressions:

Great story. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Your writing style is clear, concise and easy to follow even when depicting the chaotic thoughts of the extremely insane.

Characterization:

You do a phenomenal job of showing the reader the depth of Callie's psychosis through her thoughts and inner dialog. I love the fact that she manages to maintain a childlike innocence even though her actions and memories conflict with that personae.

Your use of dialog and most especially the barrage of endless questions Callie fires off in the last paragraph of the first section are a stellar example of character development. The reader knows immediately where Callie is coming from and that she has serious issues. She is real and vulnerable and CRAZY!

Setting:

I love the way you set the scene through the observations of the Callie. It lends credibility to the story and orientates the reader geographically without sounding like an info dump or boring description of the surroundings. Well done.

Plot/Pacing/Originality:

The pacing and plot are good and solid. I like that you start the story after the trauma has ended but don't really let the reader privy to that fact. Because of Callie's deranged state the reader is not sure if the confinement is for actions she has already committed or to prevent her from committing such actions.

This order works really well for letting the story unfold naturally while keeping the reader's interest.

Emotional Impact:

I think as I mentioned earlier the last paragraph of the first section gives the most dramatic impact of the story. Even more so than the revelation of what Callie did.

The entire story is charged with tension and Callie's mania crackles throughout the piece like static electricity. Her chaotic behavior actually sets the reader on edge. I was constantly waiting for the proverbial other shoe to fall so to speak.

I think the 911 call could have had a much greater emotional impact if you had used more dialog between Callie and her mother instead of mainly the operator and the mother. I would have liked to hear the actual terrible deeds being perpetrated in more gruesomeness.

That whole exchange of dialog is between the mother and the operator is just not very convincing for me. At one point the mother tells the operator that Callie is coming towards her and the operator replies, "Ma'am, try to keep yourself safe and stay clam."

I think a much more likely response would be for the operator to tell the woman to hide or try to get out of the house or maybe even to defend herself. In any case that exchange just seemed very stilted and fake to me.

The final act with the news report however was a great addition to the piece. I love the sense of conclusion it brings to the story and you did an excellent job of making it sound like an authentic bit of journalism. Bravo.

Mechanics:

Grammar and punctuation are not my strengths but I saw nothing that stood out as incorrect.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I thought this was a great story. I found it very entertaining and horrific. I like your writing style and unique voice. Callie is a truly delightful character in her dementia. Thank you for sharing your work and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.


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17
17
Review of A Christmas Carol  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello bob county,
After reading "A Christmas Carol" , these are my impressions:

First, let me say I know next to nothing about writing poetry styles or structure so I can't speak confidently about mechanics. Sorry.

This is another one of those pieces that I like without even knowing why. This is very often the case with poetry now apparently with flash fiction as well.

If there is a meaning or lesson hidden within this tale I can't fathom it. It just strikes me as bizarre. Still I felt almost compelled to read it and find out what happened next.

Anyway, thanks for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.




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18
18
Review of Bricks  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Thomas Seeker,
After reading "Bricks" , I offer you these comments:


First Impressions:

What a charming rendition of a truly wonderful philosophy of life. I absolutely love the lesson. Put down your bricks. Don't build walls. Set the good bricks free of corporal bounds and they will become part of you so that you can expand and grow. Wow.

Profound doesn't begin to describe this piece. Enlightened is better but still in my mind doesn't do it justice.

Characterization:

I feel because this is written from a rigid first person perspective that characterization is inevitable. The reader just naturally puts themselves into the story when constantly reading... I and I'm. Well done.

Even so I find the other brick layer quite endearing with his well timed and scholarly cameos. It is easy to feel affectionate towards him.

Setting:

Honestly, I didn't get much of a sense of setting. The whole story took place in the vast whiteness of cyberspace for me but it still worked.

Plot/Pacing/Originality:

I think this is such an original story and the pacing is excellent. The story unfolds at a leisurely pace like a pleasant walk. I never felt bored or tempted to skip ahead or rushed to the end. It was just right.

Emotional Impact:

This piece had a huge emotional impact for me. I experienced an actual epiphany upon completion of this tale. The concept was so clear it all just made perfect sense. I literally felt joy from understanding. It was awesome.

Mechanics:

Grammar and punctuation are not my strengths but I did notice a couple of typos.

sitting one on my brick pondering were I was going to go,


Isn't that were where you were when I meet met you last time?

Final Thoughts:

This is a lesson that I never want to forget. I believe this tale will stay with me for life. It is such a valuable truth. This story is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing it. I really look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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19
19
Review of Insert Title Here  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dr. ET,
After reading your piece "Insert Title Here" , these are my impressions:

This is a great piece of flash with an important message. I enjoyed it very much. I like your writing style. It is very clear, concise and easy to follow. The voice is vibrant and pleasant with the hint of youth that adds great charm.

I love that this is a story about writing. I am sure every reader here can relate to it. The fact that the tale is set during a competition makes it even more dramatic. I felt an instant affection for Deus and thus had a vested interest in the outcome. Well done.

Overall, great story with a sound lesson that every person should know. Thank you for sharing your work and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.



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20
20
Review of AN ODE TO WOMAN  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dr. M C Gupta,
After reading your poem "AN ODE TO WOMAN" , these are my impressions:

First, let me say I know next to nothing about writing poetry, styles or structure so I can't speak confidently about mechanics.

What I can say is that I like your poem very much but I like your defense of it in your review response even better.

The idea behind the poem is not only intriguing but valid as well. I believe that the purpose of poetry, of all art in fact, is to set the mind in motion. Your poem certainly does that.

It allows the reader to look beyond the prescribed and into the possible. I believe if your words open the mind of even one individual they must be divine inspiration.

Thank you for sharing your work and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.


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21
21
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello HuntersMoon - RIP Sticktalker,
After reading your poem "Covenant of Dreams" , these are my impressions:

First, let me say I know next to nothing about writing poetry styles or structure and this particular one is way beyond my comprehension.

That being said, I find this poem amazing. The tone of it is lovely. It literally sings of autumn. You have truly captured the essence of the changing seasons. I can feel the poem move. It reads like watching a movie. It really is quite breathtaking.

I have heard it said that a completely gushing review serves very little purpose since it lends no opportunity for improvement but sometimes they can't be helped. This is one of those times.

I have only one small criticism: eburnean? Really?



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22
22
Review of McNASTY  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Oldwarrior - Disabled Veteran,
After reading "McNASTY" , these are my impressions:

I certainly like your attitude. I'm not really sure how to review this piece other than to say that I really enjoy your writing style. Your voice is clear, concise and easy to follow with a hint of humor that keeps it pleasant.

That bit about the canned goods being dress right dress is priceless. I actually catch myself turning cans quite often, much to my husband's chagrin.

I found myself agreeing with everything you said and nodding affirmative the entire time I read. My philosophy has always been to treat others as you want to be treated. In my mind it is all about respect. You have to respect others if you want to gain theirs.

Anyway, I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts. Thank you for sharing them and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.


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23
23
Review of Duty  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Coffeebean,
After reading "Duty" , I offer you these comments:


First Impressions:

What a great piece of period flash. I am a fan of historical fiction and this is refreshingly well written. Well done.

Characterization:

You characterizations are great. Father and son are both well developed rich characters with defined personalities. The depth of character is impressive considering the brevity of the piece.

I found the description of the father particularly remarkable. The precision detail of his attributes and moral fiber are outstanding. The reader can't help but admire the man.

The son has enough of the father's qualities and faith in his own conviction to be instantly likable. As a reader I felt an instant connection and interest in his well being.

Setting:

You do an excellent job of setting the scene with minimal description required. The reader can easily picture this conversation by your simple mention of the Civil War and the physical descriptions of the characters.

Every reader has seen representations of this time and these characters enough in books and on television to imagine them and their surroundings.

Plot/Pacing/Originality:

The pacing of the story moves right along. Since it such a short piece there really isn't much chance for a lull or opportunity to drag. If anything it may have ended too soon. I would have like to seen the good bye extended.

Emotional Impact:

I found this to be a very emotional story simply because I liked the characters so much. I have a vested interest in their happiness.

I do think the emotional impact could have been heightened even more though if the conversation had been more heated. I thought the initial description of the father was leading up to a more vehement confrontation between the two.

I think you may have missed an opportunity to make this an incredibly dramatic piece if the father and son had not parted as amiably. Granted it would have made for a much sadder ending as well. Now that I think about it I'm glad they didn't part fighting.

Mechanics:

Grammar and punctuation are not my strengths but I saw nothing that appeared in error.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I think you did a wonderful job with this piece. It is a pleasure to read and I enjoyed it very much. Your writing style is clear, concise and easy to follow. Your characters are colorful and real. The setting is interesting and well portrayed.

I would love to read more with these characters and I would recommend this piece to others. Thank you for sharing and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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24
24
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Joy--in snowball fight!,
After reading "CUTTING THE TURKEY" , I offer you these comments:


First Impressions:

This is a very well written heartwarming romance disguised as a comedic family piece. Not normally my cup of tea but I ended up really liking it.

Characterization:

You do a phenomenal job with characterization. I can picture each member of the family perfectly.

Bettie is such a downer I find her most unpleasant. She strikes me as the typical Ice Queen arch type and initially seems to be without a single endearing quality. It works out well in the end but by mid-story I found her constant negativity and complaining actually annoying.

Her family members on the other hand seem to me to be quite normal and possess a familiar charm reserved for other people's families. They are very likable. Especially, the Dad and the sister.

Pete is instantly recognizable as an obvious good guy on the mend. He is nice, polite easy to like and trust.

Setting:

You do a wonderful job of setting the scene with little or no description by detailing the characters actions instead.

Dad and Gary watching tv, Dinah and Marian helping in the kitchen and Bettie taking a walk outside among the autumn trees.

The reader can easily picture themselves and their families in similar situations, thus creating their own images of the surroundings. In my mind this story is now taking place in a version of my grandmother's house. Well done.

Plot/Pacing:

I think you do a good job of moving the plot along. I was never bored or tempted to skip ahead in the reading. I enjoyed watching the events unfold.

In truth I wish the dinner scene had lasted even longer. I would have loved to see the interaction of ALL the family members. I think that would provide a great opportunity to inject even more comedy into the story. Which is always welcome in my book.

The ending felt a little rushed to me. I suppose that can be chalked up to a whirlwind romance but it certainly seems out of character for Bettie. Then again I guess that is the point.


Emotional Impact:

As I stated earlier this type of story is not what I normally care to read but I really enjoyed this. So I feel the emotional impact was pretty good. I credit this mainly to the fact that Pete is such a likable guy. I was hoping for a happy ending for him.

I think you can increase the dramatic effect and the emotional impact greatly by revealing more of Pete's story about the relationship gone wrong. The reader already likes him let them sympathize/empathize with him too.

Mechanics:

Grammar and punctuation are not my strong suit but this looks very clean to me. Nothing stood out as even suspicious.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, I really enjoyed this story much to my surprise. The characters are well developed and endearing. I would gladly read more about any of them. I feel this cast could easily support a book and I would recommend it. Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

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25
25
Review of My Canvas  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Dennis Cardiff,
After reading your poem "My Canvas" , these are my impressions:

First, let me say I know next to nothing about writing poetry styles or structure so I can't speak confidently about mechanics. Sorry.

What a vision. It really does read like a water-colored painting. The verse literally flows. I feel as though I have just taken a ride through a psychedelia dream world of words and colors. It was beautiful. Thank you for that. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.




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