It's hard to evaluate what really amounts to just a teaser of a story, but it was certainly interesting and left me curious to know more -- both good things.
The opening line, "This place, I knew not." seems a bit stilted. I was happy to see that the disembodied voice that greeted our hero didn't belong to the stereotypical gorgeous woman. That would have been an easy out. Instead, her curious description, "She was short and plump, with piercing blue eyes. Her dark black hair was pulled tightly back into a bun. She wore a bathrobe and slippers,..." only makes the story more interesting.
Overall, well done. I would be interested in reading the entire story if you ever write it.
This is my review of your piece entitled, "I am Providence."
First, let me say, what an interesting glimpse at what appears to be an intriguing story! Excellent use of imagery; you do a good job of painting the scene for the reader. Excellent pace as well. You slowly bring us into the scene: 'Rain petered down, splashing against a smooth granite stone. The soil slurry begging for discourse was given order, shoveled left and shoveled right over shoulder. The words “I am providence.” Had become eye level' Like all good works of fiction, the reader is able to watch the "movie" of your story play out in their mind's eye.
One thing you might want to consider: some of the language seems overly complex. For example, "A raucous cacophony resounded and inundated the world with its crescendo, all around crystalline droplets pelted his body" For me, that sentence briefly stopped up the flow of an already good story, and may send some readers scrambling for the dictionary. The "all around crystalline droplets pelted his body" was fine for me, and a pleasingly different description for rain, but "A raucous cacophony resounded and inundated the world with its crescendo..." seemed overly stilted and clunky.
Other than that, an excellent read for me. I'm curious to read more and find out what lead up to this scene. Thank you for writing this!
Wow, Fifi Jo had a rough night and day! She seems to be stuck in a rather amusing, if punishing, rut.
You paint quite a picture, and that's half the battle in writing, imho. It leaves me wanting to know more about Fifi Jo, especially how that tyre mark got there, lol. I love the way her self image changed in the first paragraph.
Very amusing piece. Keep fleshing her out, I think the whole story would be a real riot.
Hello. I'm not a professional writer, but I enjoyed this piece. I think most women can relate to a purse filled with mementos. It's also amazing as you read this piece how each object mentioned could be an article or story on it's own. It's like having a purse filled with writing prompts, lol.
Some minor spelling/proofreading issues, but really a nice "voice" to the piece. Keep writing!
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lilacorftw
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:08am on Nov 08, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
