hi purpleprincess! sorry for the delay in the review - better late than never!
i liked how you used the prompt: it shows the couple active together and playing around. it was very sweet and made me like both the characters.
the build up is very good. the story does not rush into the action and has good pacing. it is a shame about the character limit, because i want to read the rest!
i really liked this! good job! since there were only two entries there is no winner, but i am including 2000 gift points for your participation!
hi purpleprincess! i read your story "The Waterfall" and i have some thoughts to share!
first of all, i really liked your story! i thought it read smoothly and was well-written with a good balance of prose and straight-forward action. i also thought it was an interesting concept with lina missing her lover and him returning in some form to her. was it a dream, is he a ghost? the reader does not know for sure and the mystery adds an interesting element to the story as well.
i felt really sad for lina and really wanted it to not be a dream. writing is supposed to take the reader into the story and i think you were able to achieve this.
overall a very lovely, well-written story with an interesting plot and a character the reader can empathize with. great job!
hi walkinbird! i read your story and wanted to share my thoughts with you!
first of all, i really liked you story! I thought you were able to evoke a lot of emotion with little words. I found myself feeling nostalgic and a little sad, despite not knowing exactly why. you captured some really lovely moments, too. i especially like the sentence where you compared his kiss to pepper - it was really creative and just a great discripton.
overall, I just really liked this! it flowed well, had great moments, and evocative prose. great work!
hello! i want to start off by saying i am a little new to reviewing. critiquing others is not something i am necessarily comfortable with, but i also was never comfortable with publishing my drabbles online, either, and here i am! anyway, i want to contribute more and try to help other writers, so hopefully i am able to accomplish that here. to the review!
first i just want to praise you on your ability to tell a story. the descriptions were wonderful. the opening sentence was such a great hook and dug right into the story, which is important in short story writing. i was blown away right away!
i thought the plot was very clever. the "prophets for profit" line is very memorable and creative. the dialogue flowed nicely, and i felt that you were able to build a world that, despite being fantastical, was still quite believable.
there is a part of the story that i mulled over in my mind and that is when it switches perspective from tergon to the innkeeper, jordi. i really like how that part is written, but part of me wonders if it would flow better in the overall story if it was told from tergon's perspective or if it is entirely necessary at all. either way, it was still enjoyable to read - just trying to give you some things to think about!
i guess i just want to conclude by saying this is a very good story and a very good, well-worded piece of writing! i hope this review helps you in future endeavors! thank you for sharing!
hello! you may have to bear with me as i am about to attempt something i have never done: give a review.
i just do not feel like i am very good at reviewing, you know? it sometimes requires being critical and that is just not something i am very comfortable with, but i also know that reviews help us become better writers, and i want to be a part of that so here goes...
for starters, i think your story is very fun so far! i assume there will be more to come, since your description mentions a king, but there has not been one introduced to my knowledge. i love stories about kings and i also really love westerns, so i am pretty excited to see what else you do with it!
the next thing i wanted to comment on was your voice. i thought it flowed rather well. i do not personally use first person, so i really appreciate those that do! i thought steele's voice seemed to match the sort of billy the kid type of personality you created.
some areas i might recommend you revisiting are where the story-telling seems to be disrupted with more conversational language. for instance where you say: My eyes dart to the customers, hoping somebody will be supportive of me, but unfortunately, everyone is lookin’ pissed.
instead of "lookin' pissed", you might want you use more descriptive language, like "scowls fiercely" or something like that.
another spot: Wincing, I close my eyes, stopping the struggle for a moment as his rotten breath wafts into my nose. Gross.
instead of "Gross" you could say "my lip curls in disgust" or "the foul stench biting at my senses". Just a few thoughts!
I just want to end the review by encouraging you to continue your story! the dialogue is sharp and the plot is intriguing. i really want to know how those silk pajamas tie in to all of this! hopefully this review was helpful!
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