The Title

I have a thing for mice. Even though they are pesky lil critters, I am drawn to their strength to survive. We found a few in our garage this winter and I had to save a couple. Did I do them justice? Probably not, it was very cold out.

My First Impression

I enjoyed the personification used in this little story. The love for mice from a cat's point of view. My son's cat Nook found a couple this winter and she had fun. I can tell you that. She was so proud to plunk them at our feet by morning.

The idea of a cat eating a mouse kind of grosses me out. I thought they would just play with them til doomsday.

Great spacing which made for an easy read. I only really noticed a few grammar errors. Excessive use of and. The word "or" is a bit overdone. Otherwise, I enjoyed this story very much!

Over All Thoughts

The Title

Memory Calls on all of us I suppose!

My First Impression

This story held a great visual for me as the writer goes down memory lane. It started out as a beautiful experience. As I read on to the birds in the cove, I grew more intrigued. As the writer finds something unknown being eaten by birds.

Writing in Theory

Some writers stick to the module of Conflict, crisis, and resolution. However, I tend to lean toward the linear module. I don't think there is always a rule to a good story. This story portrays an epiphany for me. In the end out of now where he jumps. Something else to feed the birds. All memories rested on the damp sands of the cove. That got me! Nothing, in the beginning, would have made me think the main character would have done this. I loved the twist!!


Over All Thoughts

The Title


The Jester's Father really had me intrigued. A decision to be made that would change everything.

My First Impression

Oh if I knew I could make this choice, I would have done the same. Nobody should have to watch their child suffer through life. My son has had a disease for most of his life, and if I could change that I would in a heartbeat.

Quite emotional as the poet describes the ache in one's heart and the notion that if he could trade places he would.
Not expecting an unknown voice to answer his plea. He doesn't hesitate, knowing he made the right compromise.

The Muses That Inspired Me

I enjoyed the stanzas in couplets very much. Great word choices were made to convey the emotional trauma in the father's heart. I noticed Alliteration throughout as well as metaphor. It's amazing as we take a simple thought and it turns into art with the use of devices. I would consider this a blank verse type of poetry. Without the Iambic meter held within the stanzas. I read each line that held an 11 to 12-syllable count.

It held a good rhythm for the most part.

Conventions I Would Suggest


This is only a suggestion because this is your poem. I kind of stumbled on this line.

Home again, he hugged his wife; whispered, “I love you so.”

I suggest

He later hugged his wife 'n said, "I love you so."


This little change holds onto the meter you started off with and keeps in tune with the rhythm.

Over All Thoughts

The Title

So the title tells me about the story but as I read on I think a more suitable title could win the want to read. Remember this is your first hook to the reader.

My First Impression

The biggest part that stood out for me was the relationship between stepfather and son. They are moving to a smaller town but the story didn't really focus on that. The son seems a little bitter and it's probably the age. I think if you wanted to focus on the new town and being the new kid, maybe start the story with that in mind. Meeting new people, maybe finding a friend he didn't expect.

The module for writing doesn't always constitute the rise and fall with conflicts throughout. However, this story has a conflict but no resolution. The structure is more of a dialogue with some emotion. When writing emotion you want to choose valuable word choice so the reader feels this as well.



I could maybe see this as an introduction to a longer story. Maybe continue it through and into his adventures in this new town. I grew up in a small town and oh boy it could be fun or not so fun. You really could bring this story into a novella if you chose to.

These are only my suggestions as this is your story!


Over All Thoughts

The Title

I really enjoyed the title and the short intro. It led me to read on!

My First Impression

A very well-thought-out piece! Well done! I loved the spacing with decent paragraphs. Nothing worse than reading crowded words. The pace was great, and the writer covered everything that really mattered in this story.



Character building can be a struggle. I picked up on Chiho right away. Her emotions were valid and showed strongly throughout this story. It really reminded me of my niece. She is now going on seventeen and driving. She struggles with letting go of being a kid and having responsibilities. A very age-appropriate story that many could relate to.

Jenny is very insightful without a doubt. She comes through for her best friend's sister. I thought that was touching. Growing up is not easy and too many want to be there too fast.



For some stories, we hold dear to the module of crisis, plot, conflict, and resolution. This story; does have a crisis for a young girl losing her sister. The plot shows well as she reaches out for someone to talk to. The resolution is that she is willing to not focus so much on growing up.

The writer uses dialogue very well, as well as shows emotion. Written in the first person is not so easy and I didn't trip anywhere as I was reading. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes. The sentence structure is on point.

Over All Thoughts

Structure

I really loved this poem because it sends a vibe of deceit through a beauty of it's own. Well done!






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Very beautiful and simple. Not over done and quite catchy to the reader. I love nature and there aren't enough poems for me about it. My favorite part of this had to be



Thank you so much for sharing! Keep Writing!
~LL~

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I really don't have anything to suggest here. You wrote a poem that is quite real. I believe your wrote it from the heart and how our world has become a cycle of despair.





Thank You for sharing! I enjoyed reading it very much! Keep Writing!

The Title


Grandma's Lamp caught my attention because when it comes to grandmas, well it could be anything.

My First Impression

Very well done with the beginning. Right into it! Of course the mystery of this lamp had me. This story reminded me of a friend I had and she would come to visit her grand mother. We played there a lot and there were so many things I questioned. Looking back it is funny but back then, it creeped me out. I couldn't go into her basement at all. The house was so old. Dark curtains, old old furniture. You get it! So it kind of thrilled me to read this piece.

The Muses That Inspired Me

I enjoyed the twist in the end and it left me to wonder and that is what the other wanted. Great job there! Sometimes a story left to the readers mind are the best kind. Without saying it, you said it. Excellent. Reading this was easy as the format was smooth. Grammar and punctuation were great, or nothing stood out at me. I see why you won! What goes through a kids mind right?


Over All Thoughts

The Title

When I read the title I wasn't quite sure what to expect. The short intro though touched me.

My First Impression

Well to be honest I wanted to be right there. Very prose poetic. That's just my feeling. The writer captures a moment with great descriptive word phrases that enhance poetic conventions.

The Muses That Inspired Me

My favorite sentence here,
And the morning dewdrops desire the rose.


This sentence alone holds so much value. It holds Assonance, metaphor, consonance, caesura, deep image,

As through most of this piece it carries Enjambent, hyperbole, simile

Conventions I Would Suggest


This was a beautiful piece of poetry. The only suggestion I have would be the punctuation. If I could show you

You wrote
I swam sometimes in daybreak, below the white moon -
This phantom heart ever in embrace;
And the morning dewdrops desire the rose.
Dawn seems to breathe out honesty,
I will love the paralyzed devotion and withdrawal.


I only suggest as this is your work

I swam sometimes in daybreak-
below the white moon;
this phantom heart ever in embrace.
And the morning dewdrops desire the rose;
dawn seems to breath out honesty-
I will love the paralyzed devotion 'n withdrawal.

Over All Thoughts

The Title


Ok first of all this resonates with me so much. As I watch my son struggle with loneliness. I had to read and it hooked me.

My First Impression

I loved the visual of this as the writer walks through a crowd. I know exactly how one feels. This is how my son relates to me how he feels. The noises are louder, people are judging, The sweat starts to form. It is a horrible feeling to watch someone struggle this way. It's not the weird guy, it's society that makes them the weird guy. The title speaks volumes without a doubt. I felt the tension through out this entire piece.



The Muses That Inspired Me

So poetry comes from the heart for most, and for others it comes from paying attention to everything around us. Some are gifted in a sense that they can feel other's anguish. I liked the use of free verse in this piece. It flowed well with other uses of conventions that pulled it together. I found the use of Assonance, I would consider this to be Concrete poetry, Consonance, enjambment, nicely done.

Conventions I Would Suggest


As we know free verse does not need a meter count or stanzas, but it should still cover other conventions such as what I wrote and punctuation is quite important. I believe instead of each line holding a comma there should be some pauses. The Caesura is often used as a pause, a breath for the reader. It creates a whole other way of expression. If I could show you what I mean, you can judge for yourself.

You Wrote

Live target in the crowd,
shrinking from the light,
eyes fixed on the ground,
the better not to catch
the hunter’s narrowed gaze,

I Suggest

Live target in the crowd;
shrinking form the light,
eyes fixed on the ground,
the better not to catch-
the hunter's narrowed gaze.

I used an end stop here as otherwise you lose your breath reading. This doesn't make it a stanza, you just carry on as you would through the rest.

Over All Thoughts

The Title


The Title was a gripper for me to read on. It felt like quite an adventure.

My First Impression

I was quite taken by this story. Very well introduction to a main character and her background. You used dialogue very well through out and it held my attention. I felt as though I wanted to read more even at the end of this chapter. Susan has these rings and tickets to seek out the sender of the letter. You left many questions for me which I loved and the strategy you used to mold the past into the present and a questioning future.
I believe Susan to be a very delicate person but with a strong head. She will be a character to reckon with. I just feel that through the read.




Over All Thoughts

There are only a couple of typos and if you re read it carefully you will see them yourself. All in all this quite a story you have started. I can't wait to read more. I believe the time period to be very interesting. All characters so far hold a great role in the future chapters. The rings hold value to the maybe the rising plot.

Thanks for sharing!! Keep Writing! You are on to something!

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The Title

I love the title as it really captures the reality of the writer's maundering!

My First Impression

As I read this poem it screams the enormity of every living creature. I believe as humans we haven't been paying attention to such things. Our world seems to be most important. However it is not! The wonders of the world are made of the enormity of all living creatures and their own performance. I wish humans worked as well as the ones such as the coyote chasing the rabbit. They don't question why they do it, is there something better; no they do what they do and keep their world important. Maybe we could learn a little by those that carry on without questioning everything around them. I love the idea of this poem.

The Muses That Inspired Me

I enjoyed the personification used in this poem. This being a free verse poem with out meter or syllable count has value of it's own. A great message.

Conventions I Would Suggest


A couple of things I would suggest but are only suggestions as this is your poem and yours alone.

Every life is
Enormous to itself
No matter how small,

suggestion


Keep in mind that even in free verse we should hold values to some conventions. Punctuation is quite important in free verse in my opinion.

you wrote


I suggest



I suggest changing some wording here as I stumbled in the read. These are just a couple of suggestions to enhance a wonderful voice to the reader.

Over All Thoughts

The Title


This title really drew me into read. Broken Benches is quite a great descriptive piece!

My First Impression

As I read this I really thought of my own home town which I still live but the destruction and lost feeling of "home" has left my very soul. I am not sure if it is caused by neglect of the government or the free for all of the community. There is less and less of pride of where we live. It's very sad indeed.

The Muses That Inspired Me

The writer uses seven line stanzas without a formed syllable line count, yet it flowed very well. The rhyme scheme flowed easily with great word choices to enhance this image. I could smell the ground and see the fall leaves with closed up shops. It took me too memory lane which I enjoyed very much.

Conventions such as in line rhyme, couplet rhymes through stanzas of seven. I enjoyed the tone that set a mood for the reader. Figurative speech was well placed as well. Alliteration, Assonance, concrete poetry creating a visual image of a topic. Well Done


Over All Thoughts

The Title


Love the title and after reading this poem I loved even more. The intro really intrigued me to read on.

My First Impression

What a beautiful painted piece you have here. Very inspiring as the writer uses soft sounds through out to convey the beauty of her detachment of reality.

This would have to be my favorite stanza of all.

Her heavy heart beats to the rhythm
of the Healie Bird's warble,
whose sensuous song draws her closer
with its soothing sound.
She fears neither ghosts, nor the living,
in this place of safety
created by the image displayed
behind her half-closed eyes.

The painted image of this woman who takes herself away from such horrible circumstance engaging in another world of fantasy. Her half-closed eyes really allowed me to feel the emotion here. Wonderful!


The Muses That Inspired Me

So many conventions in this beauty, I don't know where to begin so I will name a few that stand out to me.

Hyperbole

As their delicate branches,
caress the earth in a kiss,

Alliteration
Her heavy heart beats to the rhythm


Imagery

Well the whole thing paints a picture with finesse.

There is personification and Ambiguity, Anaphora, Assonance and so much more that brought me to this beautiful place!


Over All Thoughts

The Title


I was intrigued by the title and after reading the intro I was even more intrigued. As we all have our thoughts and references to God.

My First Impression

This was indeed a dark to light poem. Written in free verse and words that were intertwined like a vine bringing hope from the writer. Maybe a bit of confusion as to where they stand.

The Muses That Inspired Me

There are so many conventions in poetry that allow us as writers to paint a picture for the reader and hold interest. Writing from the heart is the best way to write and I find when I do the words are there for me.

Assonance is used frequently through out this piece allowing a beautiful flow.

Consonance is also seen through out and allows for a beat in even in free verse with out a syllable count or rhyme it flows.

In line rhyme is a nice way for a poem to give that nice up beat when reading.

I’m as confusing as the grape vine to many
Great use of Metaphor here. I think I would switch it to I am instead of I'm. It seems to lose a bit of power there. This whole verse was intriguing as to it's meaning.

I wonder what the writer means when saying "Like my former bullies, as a kudzu vine. I have to ponder on that one. Quite deep.

My favorite stanza would have to be the last!

Can I see clearly now that the rain is gone?
But there’s still mud upon the Earth.
But there’s a sunshine flare.
There’s lots to know and lots I won’t know,
But it’s all okay.


There will always be mud on the Earth and at the end of the day the sun will always shine. As humans we grasp to hope and it's an ever day practice. So true in saying we will never know all of it or how it works. Faith is something we choose to see even when it can't be seen right before our eyes.


Over All Thoughts

The Read

The Title


I was very intrigued by the title and being Chapter One I can read as you right.

My First Impression

I don't usually read fantasy but this was really good. Great introduction to a story I believe will have many conflicts. This first chapter introduces main characters very well, giving a back story and it's first conflict. A great imagery here as well that allowed me to be on that balcony. I love the idea of the two sister moons.



The Mother was introduced in a beautiful manner. This is a wonderful start to what I believe will be a great story.

Very easy to follow with great spacing and dialogue was not overdone. I believe this was thought out very well as it shows. I didn't see any errors as far as punctuation or grammar. It's written in first person which is hard enough to carry through but done well. It is written is present tense which is also not an easy task.



Quite impressive! Well Done!!
Keep Writing!



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The Read

Structure

First Impression

Conventions That Inspired Me

Conventions

The Read

Structure

The Read

Structure