Your writing, though sketchy, is interesting and I could feel the emotion and the yearning in the writing for the other person.
Here are my suggestions:
1) The title "Where You and I Converge" does not seem to fit the writing. Converge means to find similarities in others. Diverge might be a better word.
2) Also, If I understand correctly, the author did not have a relationship with this person, correct? Yet, I get the impression that they did.
For example, you said: "It was yesterday when I was trying to cry. Your happiness stifles me,"
What did that mean? Were you crying and the other person was happy? Did they know you were sad?
3) I would like to see more details about the people, where they are (where is this hallway?), how they got to where they were,etc..
This was an interesting story and caught my attention. However, there were a few things that needed to be embellished and some careful eye for any mistakes.
.
Here are some suggestions:
1) "He was her greatest love in high school but reality caused her to prefer mystery over the sappy, unrealistic romances, even Shakespeare’s."
Here, you state: "He was her greatest love..." which refers to Shakespeare, and yet at the end of the sentence you repeat "...even Shakespeare's." You need to remove the redundancy of Shakespeare.
Also how did Shakespeare cause her to prefer mystery over sappy, unrealistic romances? It would be good to add another sentence to embellish that thought.
2) It would be nice to add a few more sentences about Michelle other than she liked Shakespeare and had blonde hair.
How old was she? Also, she was taking a chance calling a complete stranger. He could have been a senior citizen, for all we know. Maybe a photo of him might have helped, with the note written in the back of the photo, for example.
3) The abrupt switch to Adam and a gun was too quick. How many people do that because of a jilted love? That also makes him look a little unstable, I think. Not a typical romantic figure. Maybe soften him up a bit. Maybe instead of a gun, he was feeling melancholic and reading the same passage of Shakespeare and reminiscing of his jilted love when she called.
4)When Michelle called Adam, she did not give him her phone number. How did he know where to call her back?
Overall, this has a good plot. I could see this happening. The characters need to be more developed, and some details need to be added to make it more realistic.
I hope this helped.
Patty Apostolides
Author of Lipsi' Daughter
www.pattyapostolides.com
Your questions are quite thought provoking, intriguing and yet troubling. They focus only on the negative. As you know, life is filled with black and white, ups and downs. Your questions only covered the black parts of life, and not the white (like love, happy moments, etc), and that's all right. But where did you want those questions to go to? Are you planning to answer them, or try to understand them in some form? You did not go further, and that's my key question: Why not?.
One suggestion is to continue your journey of asking. Maybe take one question and develop it further. Right now, the questions are like a skeleton that needs flesh put on it. It is a good piece, and I think it will become a very interesting read if you progressed more on it.
It had some vivid descriptions that made me feel as if I were on the beach, and yet some words that didn't fit in. First of all, the title does not seem to match the poem. Am I missing something here?
Also, the first line of "Her sightless eyes" does not go along with the second stanza of "A mother on the beach with shielded sun eyes gazed"
Who is doing what? is the first woman blind? If they are the same person, then you could probably get away with leaving out the second stanza or reworking it so you didn't describe two people.
"Hunnie" in the third line is misspelled. Should by "Honey"
I really liked the fourth line. I could picture the hawk finding prey. Very good.
The ending was very good. I could picture the child playing in the waves. Just curious: did something (bad) happen to the child?
Hope this was helpful.
Patty
Her sightless eyes cried remembrance at playful splashing.
A mother on the beach with shielded sun eyes gazed at every sound.
“Hunnie, Don’t play too far out.”
Her hearing gauged distance like a hawk finding prey.
Her head never turned away, not once.
It’s hard to hear a playful splash crashing beneath other sound waves.
I read your poem and thought it was very interesting and thought provoking, but I did not feel anything...for love is an emotion, with feelings.
This poem skirts emotional words and it would feel more intense to me if you described what "sorrow" meant to you - tears maybe?
Also, what does "Love is to be treasured" mean?
If you embellished the poem a little more, with more descriptions, it would really make a difference from a - quick snack food style to a gourmet meal with "ahhh" feelings.. It all depends what your intentions were.
You can feel the tension rising in this poem. It flowed and was captivating. Your descriptive words capture the moment very well.
I have a few suggestions for the poem:
1) A final stand against loves potent pull, (should be love's potent pull
2)I would have liked it if the poem was staggered or broken up into short stanzas (2-3 lines each). This would allow the impact of each line to be felt more.
See below my example:
Eyes meet for but a moment, entranced,
Time's relentless pursuit lost in their gaze,
Vulnerable to eternity's dance,
Innocence fades. Natures primitive game,
Tentative fingers of two souls entwine,
Gentle, subtle caresses grace emotions,
A warm summer breeze felt without a sign,
Fanning the flames of the building tensions,
A silent groan from the changing shadows,
Pleasures manifest as tortures so cruel,
Two anxious bodies, trapped like stone statues,
A final stand against loves potent pull,
Violent passions exalt colliding hearts,
Bodies of skin and flesh embrace at last.
Hope this helped!
Good luck in your writing.
Patty Apostolides
Author and Poet
www.pattyapostolides.com
This was an interesting poem, and full of vivid images of a birth. However, if you hadn't mentioned that it was from the bible, I wouldn't have known.
Here are my suggestions:
Maybe you could make it a longer poem.
Maybe compare the birth to the birth of the spirit?
Maybe add a spiritual element to the poem (I Am is the only indication that indicates God).
This is a captivating poem that has to be reread several times and savored. Each time I read it, I gained more insight, and each time I gained more insight, I wanted to read it again. What a poem!
Below, I have a few suggestions for items that seemed to take away the impact from this powerful poem:
1) You wrote:
But sooner or later comes the day,
obscure to all but me,
when my heart is eaten by a monster
that only I can see.
I would suggest you consider using:
But sooner or later came the day,
obscure to all but me,
when my heart was eaten by a monster
that only I could see.
The reason I suggested this change, is because your poem is in chronological order. You mention 9/11, which is in the past. Then something happened after that incident, which is still in the past, causing you to write this present poem. Does that make sense?
This is beautifully written, and very touching. I felt the love for the willow in this writing. I can relate to this, since we live in the Northeast and have a lot of trees in our area. The weather has been unusually cruel to them this year.
This was an exceptional read, and read like a story!
I really liked the girl's determination to race, even after her accident.
Your last line was a winner:
only my body was crippled, not my mind or spirit…”
The only thing that stood out, was the rhythm. Somehow it didn't flow as I expected it would, which made the reading a little choppy.
Otherwise, very good writing. Keep up the good work!
Smiles,
Patty
I read this poem and had to reread it a couple of times to try and understand what it meant. I gather that the "heat" was symbolic and that one person was content with it, while the other wasn't - and wanted to get out (get out of the home or the relationship?)
Was this a husband and wife situation - divorce?
Overall, I felt the tenseness of the poem and would suggest to add a little more to it to describe the situation better.
This was quite a touching poem. I felt the essence of your love for your wife.
I really liked this part:
And, should we be reborn upon this earth, within I know
that we would reunite during that life, to marry once more,
to share another golden lifetime of a love so perfect, so
true that its fulfillment Fate would be unwilling to ignore.
You wrote:
("Soul mate' may be trite, but for us it's so right!)
This took away from everything else. Somehow it didn't fit in. Maybe you can rethink this part.
The only other thing I would work on is your flow and rhythm. You ended the lines with good rhymes, but the rhythm was lacking. One way to do this is to remove a few commas and this will also make it flow better.
It's amazing how an occurrence like that can trigger a whole discussion about Jesus. What's more remarkable is the child making that observation about the painter.
You wrote:
"There was just something more comfortable about it that way.
I think there's an apostrophe missing at the end of the sentence. Also, this sentence sort of hangs in the air, and doesn't quite fit. How is it more comfortable? I get the impression that you try and explain it in the next stanza, if so, then you don't need the apostrophe for "Somehow if... because it is a continuation of his speech.
This was a very nice poem. I enjoyed the vivid descriptions of the leaves and the maple tree.
The only thing that stood out was that you used the word "leaves" a lot.
Also, I would have liked to see the effect on you as you walked down the street. Did you shiver from the cold? Did a leaf flutter before you, caught by the moon's light? If you could, employ more your point of view and how it affects your senses.
Good writing,
Smiles,
Patty
Hi Harry,
I'm glad you wrote this. People need to be aware of what's going on around them. I really liked the way you portrayed the situation in your storeom format.
Just one suggestion:
You wrote:
In Nigeria, the Supreme Court may later this week
decide the fate of Amina Lawal, who's a meek
thirty-year-old divorcee arrested days after birth
of her daughter. How much is world opinion worth?
My suggestion would be to remove the last sentence.
How much is world opinion worth?
This seems to throw off the story and leaves me wondering what you meant by it. It might be better left for the end, after you tell her story.
You used the senses wonderfully, the sound of the frogs and crickets, and seeing the moon's glow and dew drops, it wouldn't hurt to add even more - make it even more spicier - like the crunching sound of your footsteps, the smell of a skunk scurrying by, or seeing the lights from someone's windows still on.
Below are my suggestions:
You wrote:
to suddenly sparkle and fade
as I so serenely walk past.
Interesting story, filled with the classic good vs evil theme. I felt sad that the knight's fate turned out so.
It wasn't quite apparent from the beginning that the knight was religiously inclined, just that he was good. Towards the end, when he communicates with God, do we see it. Maybe you can slip in a quick prayer underneath his breath before he goes to battle?
Also, when you deal with religious themes, remember that in the Bible, it emphasizes to beware of not those who can kill the body, but those principalities that can do damage to the soul. In this case, although the knight's body was dead to this earth, his good soul was untouched, so evil didn't really do him harm, just sent him faster to his saviour.
This was a superbly written and touching story. I particularly liked the way you italicized to emphasize you were under the affect of anesthesia.
I empathized with the part about doctors not having bed-side manners - yet were top-notch. I had a similar experience recently with my surgery for carpal-tunnel syndrome. When I was wheeled into the room and my arm draped, my anxiety rose. Then, this "top-notch" doctor entered the room and performed the surgery. During that time, I could hear him making small talk with the operating nurse about scheduling, down to the nit-picky details as to why someone wasn't there today. They were talking as if I weren't there. But the surgery was sucessful and I'm going back next month for my other hand....
By the way, was this a true story? Just curious. It felt like it.
Overall, a deep, powerful poem that read well. I was left wanting to read more.
Below I have only one suggestion:
1)You wrote:
Give me light, give me darkness.
Do not give me both.
These two lines contradict each other. You ask for light and darkness, yet the second line says not to give you both. Maybe to make it more clear, you could say:
Give me light or darkness,
But do not give me both.
This is a wishful, hopeful poem that depicts life as it is now, and yet looks forward to the life ahead.
Below are my suggestions/comments:
1) You wrote:
We shall run nimbly
as children do,
jumping, skipping
across seas of cloud.
The first stanza showed lines two and four as rhyming. However, in this stanza, you lose the rhyme. For example, you might want to change the "of cloud" into "so blue" to make it rhyme with "do".
We shall run nimbly
as children do,
jumping, skipping
across seas so blue.
2)You wrote:
I’ll touch your face
with fingers
no longer gnarled
or twisted with age.
Again, watch your rhyme. Here's my suggested change:
My fingers will soon
touch your face,
no longer gnarled
or twisted with age.
The rest of the poem continues to have a rhyming issue, which affects the flow.
I particularly liked your last four lines - which wraps it up nicely.
When I read this story, I felt the sadness, depression, turbulence in this teenager's heart.
Below, I have my suggestions and comments:
1)You wrote:
With the death of her mother, it seemed no cared if she was alive or dead.
I think you meant:
With the death of her mother, it seemed no one cared if she was alive or dead.
2)You wrote:
“I’ve just began under a lot of stress recently because of the death of mother”
It probably should be:
“I’ve just been under a lot of stress recently because of the death of my mother.”
3)You wrote:
“I was wrong, I’m sorry” tears began to swell in her eyes again.
You need to watch your punctuation:
“I was wrong. I’m sorry,” tears began to swell in her eyes again.
4)You wrote:
“Samantha”
This needs a period. "Samantha."
5)You wrote:
“I wish I was a free as the seagulls, able to go anywhere I wanted to”
You probably meant:
“I wish I was as free as the seagulls, able to go anywhere I wanted to.”
6)You wrote:
The test results broke her heart she was pregnant.
This should be in two sentences.
The test results broke her heart. She was pregnant.
7)You wrote:
At first she couldn’t make out who it was, but when she saw it was Darwin she ran away her eyes filled with tears.
This would be better with a comma:
At first she couldn’t make out who it was, but when she saw it was Darwin she ran away, her eyes filled with tears.
Overall, I felt that this story needed some work on its punctuation. Also, the swearing words could be used less. They seemed to detract from the story.
Although I liked the ending, and am glad that Darwin turned out to be a responsible young man, how is he going to take care of her? Does he have a job?
Keep on writing!
Patty
This review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds... Go Noticed".
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/liendou
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:10am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
