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Review by leoandromeda Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The positives:
The character's voice is strong. I'm immediately thrown into his head and care about him. There's no reason for me not to root for him or questions as to why I should.

Your sentences and paragraphs are cohesive and pull the reader in through most of it.

I'm not sure if this was on purpose but it seems obvious that Cole is into Cal but he won't look for those signs out of fear of being out.

Things to work on:
The blocks of texts as the intro is a bit much. I found myself scrolling and then forcing myself to read them. A lot of it could be conveyed through action, dialogue, and subtext. Honestly, I'd scratch the beginning paragraph and instead sprinkle bits through the chapter.

College feels like high school in this and I wonder if boarding school would be a better setting for your characters.

I like the feel of the "Life sounds pretty easy...." paragraph but then it kept going and going. I think it could be more concise and still get the point across.

Remember chapters should rise and fall like the novel itself. Add more between Cal and Cole and then you won't have to end with the trailing sentence. We'll already know it!

Keep writing and I hope to see more!


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2
2
Review by leoandromeda Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your sentence structure and word choices in this piece are solid. I especially enjoyed the build-up to the meeting. I didn't feel confused at first but was instant thrown in.

What I was confused about was what this piece was made for. Film? A short story? The beginning reads as a short story but a quarter of the way in, you begin putting names in upper case as a script does, and you're final scene lends to film instead.

Going that direction is fine, but if that's the point, I would find a different way to convey feelings and hesitance from Camille. Consider what viewers will be seeing and use physical movements or expressions instead of walls of thought.

Keep writing!


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