"Robert shrunk as far into the couch cushions as he could, praying no one in Edith’s family was returning soon."
...Should be "shrank", not "shrunk".
Your quote: “You’re giving her the money?” Christy exclaimed. “I mean, I want to marry you Robert...But what about finding someone who could actually talk to Sandra?”
Robert ripped the check out of the book and gave it to Edith, who took it with trembling, disbelieving hands.
“Yes,” He said, the tension gone from him body, “I had forgotten. But that’s Sandra all right.”
...What did Robert forget? In the very next scene he spins Christy around and tells her he's taking her to the courthouse, so he didn't forget about getting married. And he obviously didn't forget about hearing something from his late wife, since he just did and was paying the medium for her help.
Is it on purpose that what you call prose is technically poetry? Or am I the one mixing up terms?
Anyway, I greatly enjoyed this! It took me a couple of reads to understand what was being said, but I actually like that about it. It has a certain lyrical quality that made me WANT to re-read it, and it made me think.
The repetition of "let not" worked very well. It formed a connection with the different topics being discussed that collected the piece as a cohesive whole rather than a collection of individual phrases.
If I had one criticism, it would be to take out "Alas", because it really doesn't add anything. It's just an extra word. But it's a nitpick more than anything else.
Very interesting. I love your structure. It fits the "mystical" aspect of the poem quite well. I'm not quite sure what's going on, but I get the impression we're looking at some sort of dream world here. Going by the title, it seems like a trance. The language is very lyrical. It's hard to explain why - something to do with parts of it rhyming, I think. It just makes it flow nicely.
I like the bolded questions too. It gives it all a more urgent feel; the reader is left wondering with the narrator about what is going on.
Excellent work! I wish I had more to say, but I can't really think of anything in particular to criticize. 5 stars!
Oooooh, nice story. Very creepy ending. Kind of a cliche premise with the immortality angle but your writing was good enough that I was still curious about how the story would end. The ending was very good - I was trying to figure out what the catch was, and the one you came up with was clever and legitimately unsettling. Your narrator was characterized well; the small detail about the journal was very nice.
I'm not sure if it's good enough for five starts just because I've seen this sort of thing before and to keep it fresh I really think that cliches should be avoided, and you fell into that trap a bit. But your writing was good and your ending was perfectly creepy. Very nice job.
Oooooh, dark. My first thought was that the narrator tried to kill himself, but some of the lines actually seem to indicate hallucinogens. Very powerful ending. There's much for me to give in way of criticism. I thought it was psychologically fascinating and extremely interesting. I think your structure, particularly in stanzas 6 and 7, works perfectly.
I wish I could help you, but there isn't much to help. Five stars!
Very interesting, creative. The he/she pronoun gets very tiresome. If you want to make it clear a character is genderless just specify that at the beginning and use "he", which is an accepted grammatical convention. Or pick a gender, I'm sure people will be able to suspend disbelief.
"They were in a Divine Room, of course, since no universe existed at this time, and therefore it is not like any room that you can imagine. However, within this Divine Room, Khaliq had a number of things that he/she found comforting and fun."
Something about this paragraph bugs me, and I'm really not sure what it is. It's just worded awkwardly. Try this:
"They were in a Divine Room, different from any room that a human being could ever conceive. Inside the room Khaliq kept several pets for comfort."
Or you can even remove the room entirely and try this:
"Iblis looked around for inspiration and spotted Khaliq's beloved pets, a wolf, cat, fly, etc..."
Also, this sentence:
"...Did you have any suggestions?"
...Should be "DO you have any suggestions?", not did. Present tense.
Just in general cut down on unnecessary words. You're very wordy and instead of making the story feel more "epic", which I think is what you're going for, it just looks "stretched", like you're stuffing in words for the heck of it. It strangles your voice and looks awkward.
Otherwise, very good. I like the image of what are in my head Egyptian gods playing cards. I also like how you incorporated modern physics into a creation myth while managing to retain a mythical feeling. It's my type of story.
Kind of interesting. My sympathies tend to lie with Drew; I had this feeling nagging me the whole time, but it was definitely justified when she threw her degree in his face: That the main character is, basically, full of herself. She's arrogant.
But, that's not a criticism, just analysis. As for criticism, read your sentences over; you have a few grammatical errors and redundant words. I'd find each one and mark them for you, but unfortunately having this whole thing be computerized makes it a lot more difficult.
Otherwise, I'd try and work just a little harder at developing your main character's voice. I knew what you were TRYING to get across, but sometimes, particularly when she went through stories from her past, I feel like your main character was telling me her issues as opposed to having them shine through the narrative naturally. Integrating the information more seamlessly would help.
You have some grammar issues. Line 5, fixed should be fixing. Roofs don't have a low pitch, roofs are low pitched.
Your flow is off. Lines are rhymed, but the rhyming is forced at times, and thee isn't really a rhythm. Also, and this is more a stylistic choice, I would suggest adding punctuation. I'd also break it up into verses - it makes it easier on the eyes. On the plus side, your concept does have some potential for humor if you fix it up.
Not what I was expecting. I thought this might be a personal story about an organ donor, or perhaps even an argument for or against it (I have some reservations myself, but that's another story).
Interesting, but the style is...how do I explain it? A little juvenile, maybe? Unpolished might be a better word. It feels overdramatic, like you're trying too hard. You need to learn how to express the emotion of the piece without telling people and yelling about it. In your case, a little telling is fine. It's just the nature of the piece. But I think it would be better if you showed your emotion a little more subtly, and I used the word "showing" intentionally.
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